AIBU re other mother

[MrsDylanBlue]

I have a good relationship with my DD I adore her and she’s always been really sensible and worked hard at school and got a paper round at 14 and has always had PT jobs around school.

She is about to sit her A levels and has been offered 4 Uni places, and has been offered a place where she had her heart set on going on the course she wanted.

Her relationship with her girlfriend has got a bit more intense recently. I am not overly keen on her tbh, she is a bit needy, I have tried to make an effort with her but she won’t eat with us when invited.

Two weeks ago I got the feeling DD was stalling a bit over a day she had asked me to take of Work to take her to look at a Uni so I asked and it transpired that she doesn’t want to go and she wants to move out with her girlfriend/go travelling etc. I was disappointed and a bit concerned as for the last two years she has worked towards it and been adamant about what she wanted to do but it was DD who wanted to go to Uni I had never pressured her.

I said that’s fine but she will have to get a full time job and pay rent (like her brother does) as her dad will stop paying maintenance.

DD gf mum has now said DD can live there for £50 a month (I could not afford this and don’t think it’s teaching her anything about being an adult) this was a week ago and I haven’t seen DD since (we have been texting and I have said she can always come back here this is always her Home etc and I have offered to help her sort out her stuff and take it over for her).

Underneath though I am seething that the other Mum has done this - it’s just given DD a much more immediate, attaractive route to instant what she she sees as “adulthood” and to not leave open her option to go to Uni.

I am getting emails from college telling me she is missing college and I’m worried she won’t even sit her A’levels (meaning she can change her mind later) but there is nothing I can do about it.

I just feel it was a really underhand thing to do

@MrsDylanBlue I'm so sorry you're in this situation.. I really hope your daughter comes to her senses.

I'm sorry to say, almost identical to the situation with my brother. When he was 17. This was a long time ago now and unfortunately and extremely upsettingly, he's NC with our family. His choice.

I'm not saying it will go the same way. Not sure if I have any advice but I'm happy to for you to message me

This is why I am treading carefully.

I feel like I have lost an arm as I haven’t seen her in over a week and feel so sad she feels she “needs” to live with her girlfriend immediately.

I did much worse in my teens but I want so much more for DD and she was so focussed on Uni and the career she had chosen.

I know myself how hard it is to progress in life without a degree but I also know you don’t learn from other peoples mistakes.

notreallysanta

Thanks.

No you’re not. You think the other mother is frightened her dd would move out. If this is true, she isn’t acting in your dds interest and for her future. That would make me feel upset. I know if your dd is 18 she’s an adult so it’s very tricky both for you and for the other mum. That is why I think it’s important you meet up with her to try to assess the situation.

I know you only want the best for her and you're thinking about her future, but I would advise you back off. She's probably been thinking about this for a while, so although it's a massive shock to you, she was already sorted in her head. She's exerting her independence - my life, my choices, etc - and unfortunately even if she's making a massive mistake, it has to be her choice! She didn't say anything to you because she knew what your reaction would be. On the plus side, exams can be completed or retaken if necessary, and when I was at uni a lot of people had done a year of work/travel before attending, and it certainly didn't put them at a disadvantage. I would say try and keep the door open, and if she contacts you don't try and change her mind - just ask how she is, general stuff. I know you want this sorted out asap but I think it would be best to try and bite your tongue and play a waiting game, so to speak. Living in someone else's house with their rules - and living with a needy partner: it may seem grown up and cool for a while, but I bet it won't be long before it starts feeling claustrophobic. The money thing is a separate issue - even though they are linked - and unfortunately I think you may have to work on the assumption you're not going to see any of it. Good luck x

DD is coming home on Weds, so hopefully we will get a chance to talk then and I will at least get an address from her

I would say try and keep the door open, and if she contacts you don't try and change her mind - just ask how she is, general stuff.
This is good advice from Piffle

It's good news re Wednesday* and it gives you time to get your ducks in a row.* Is she coming on her own or with gf/gf's mum?

*Ducks in a row thing not supposed to be bold

She’s coming on her own as I think it’s all a bit awkward with GF and me atm as DD said she thought I had a problem with her (I don’t I just haven’t had the opportunity to get to know her) and then there was the whole stupid FB post which I know was designed to hurt me.

I get on really well with DS1 g/f and I think DD wants me to have a similar relationship with her g/f - but she is a totally different person.

I then got the whole “it’s because I’m gay” which it is not.

There are some bloody strange ideas on here sometimes ! Of course you can't just change your budget without warning. IF dd is an adult she will understand that. Also, just because your DH wants to be a fuckwit and send maintenance to DD, it is not the right and legal way.

Maintenance is for the PARENT, to cover the costs of bringing up the child. That includes the cost of housing (rent and mortgage are payable a month in advance and are not paid weekly ! ) the cost of electricity, heating, phones WiFi , food , clothing and personal items for dd. It is NOT her personal money.

CM is payable until the child leaves school or non advanced education. So still due to you. The fact that DD has handed it over to you without question previously, has meant that you haven't had to go to the CMS to force him to pay YOU . That doesn't make it right though.

Once a child leaves full time non advanced education and either goes to work and Uni - then formal CM ends unless there is a court order to extend it. If at this point, the DF wishes to pay his child some money then it's his choice to do so and her choice to pass it on.

Which is an awful lot to write about money, when I know that's not your concern OP, just winds me up with comments like ' of course she doesn't pay you if she moves out without notice'. I really do think that some people have no idea what 'living on the breadline means'. It doesn't mean ' oh bother , I'll have to dip into savings' . It means not being able to pay the rent, buy food, pay utilities that house her stuff and provide a home for her to return to.

How long has she been in a relationship with her girlfriend. I am unsure if you are talking about gf as in romantic relationship, or gf as in school friend who's a girl. I Assume the former. ? Is this a first relationship? Is the gf older ?

Hmmmm, I'm wondering about the gf, it sounds like you haven't been given the opportunity to get to know her.

It seems strange that a previously good relationship between you and dd has deteriorated so rapidly over this situation. Perhaps there is an element of control from gf in distancing you from dd. If this is the case and I sincerely hope I'm wrong then anything other than you being bright and breezy and fully accommodating on Wednesday will play right into her (gf) hands.

The 'its because I'm gay' and the fb post come across as a little childish and dramatic.

fontofnoknowledge

Thank you!!

StellaHeyStella

Yes - I am uneasy about it.

It’s a girlfriend as in romantic and I know the family through a past relationship (of mine) and there was coercive control and domestic abuse which the g/f witnessed.

DD has fallen out with her best friend (who didn’t like the girlfriend) and has rarely seen any of her other friends recently which does raise the red flags for me a little...

If it was me I would apologise for not taking you dd's wishes onto accoint
My ds is doing A-levels this year and I canimagine how stressed everyone is.
Her exams are coming up in the next 3-4 weeks max and in 2 months time it will be over. She can then do whathever she wants.
It.may well.be stress your dd is under what caused all of that.
Remind yoir dd that if she doesn't sit her exams now she would have to pay for.resittong them in the future.
This is all she has to concentrate on between now and 23/06.

Oh dear I hope for your dds sake that her gf isn’t controlling her.

I think she is manipulative at best.

She may only just be an adult but assuming she's 18 she is an adult and you need to treat her like one, even if you don't agree with her decisions.

Could you suggest she still applies for a deferred place at uni with a view to travelling as a gap year? She doesn't have to take the place when it comes to it but it keeps her options open.

At a few points in my life I've ended up being pressured into a decision I didn't really want by my mother (choice of A levels and choice of uni) and both times I ended up unhappy with the choice and changing to what I actually wanted to do with a great deal of hassle to get it sorted because I was unhappy. If she ends up going to uni in September when it's not what she wants right now she's much less likely to stick at it.

I totally understand her not wanting to go to Uni in September, it’s just the while moving in with another family absolutely immediately when we haven’t had a huge row and I haven’t kicked her out - it concerns me and it concerns me the other Mum seems to have encouraged her rather than suggesting she stays here at least until she has done her exams.

Forget texting and facebook and all the rest, as your dd may be consulting the gf on how to reply. Phone your daughter. Keep phoning until she answers. Arrange to meet for coffee/ lunch/dinner and have an adult conversation. Wherever she decides to live try to persuade her that going travelling for a year with great A levels and the option to apply for uni/ a deferred place is a better option than bunking off and moving in with her girlfriend. Don't get into an argument about the money. In fact don't let her provoke you into an argument about anything at all. It doesn't matter if she doesn't apply for uni this year. her decision. She can apply next year, go through clearing, apply in 3 years time, whatever. But if she doesn't focus on getting those A levels she will regret it forever. Accept that she will live with the gf after exams. accept they are going travelling/ are in love/ are forever. If the relationship is unhealthy it will probably unravel. But get her through those A levels, and preferably back home for the next 3 months so you can support her. Oh and tell her you miss her!

When I see her on Weds I am going to talk to her about coming home until she has finished her exams as I really want her to be able to focus on them.

I have told her I miss her - I do, I have seen her once in two weeks which is just weird.

Fingers crossed it all goes well Wednesday.

Jesus.. what an awful situation OP... I'd leave her be for the time being.. ignore Facebook and say no more.. the girlfriend and her Mother will be relishing making you public enemy number one... so don't feed the beast..

I hope she can finance this 'travelling' trip.. does she have a job.. or will her Father fund it... I hope she doesn't regret dropping out of Uni...

I think your daughter needs to read up on abusive relationships. I find everything about the situation alarming.
Is there any LGTBQA info you can find about it so she’ll find it more relatable?
I lost my DSis in a DV situation, if you find it alarming, trust your gut instinct.

I don’t know if I am reacting because I know the girls Dad and I helped one of his partners escape the situation.

It is unheard for DD and I not to see each other and DDs best friend also says she is manipulative.

The ‘is it because I’m gay’ thing is juvenile, manipulative and a teensy bit offensive to parents of kids who’s parents haven’t supported them because of their sexuality. Smack that one down with ‘don’t be so offensive.’

From a formerly arseholey teenager who threw similar strops...

Go and speak to the school. I can’t imahine a kid doing a levels with a place at uni doesn’t respect her teachers. Sometimes it’s easier to hear it from someone else when you’re desperately trying to rebel ;)

Don’t take the ‘unconditional love’ thing to heart. Unconditional love for your child is not the same as blindly letting them do as they want.

How is this being financed?

When you speak to DD I’d voice your concerns- then tell her to do as she pleases, but she always has a home.

Then I would contact her dad (even if you haven’t spoken for years) and say that X is planning on binning her A levels and uni so you’d like child support to be formalised and it paid to you. CS is to provide for your child: a home, clothes, food etc. she hasn’t formally moved out. Plus she pays the money to you so I assume you give her an allowance? So you’d still be maintaining her home for her.

God, I don’t envy you, but sometimes the best thing you can do to a stripy kid is to give them their own way and see how they really like it. No nipping in for dinner uninvited, or turning up with washing, raiding the fridge. You wanted it? You got it.

What happens she is living with gf and they argue?

Be the stable place to return to but don’t be a pushover to facilitate what you don’t support.