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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much can I expect DH to do?

52 replies

MaryPoppinsBloomers · 22/04/2018 10:27

Irritated as spending Sunday morning tidying and cleaning again. I work full time, DH is shad to 1dc in school full time. Don't earn enough to employ a cleaner but enough to be comfortable. Although original idea was for him to return to work this hasn't happened and doesn't look like it will.

DH does ALL cooking, laundry, dishes and general day to day stuff. I do all of the shopping and take care of bills, planning etc.

Thing is my job involves working at home on top of full time hours so after dc goes to bed I work until LATE every night plus weekends. DH doesn't tidy or (deep) clean so any down time I might get is spent tackling the pig sty that the house is by Friday.

He gets far more down time than me but I am a workaholic so my AIBU is that should I be expecting him to do more in his extra down time or should I just suck this up? I know he already does a lot but I honestly think if roles were reversed I'd be expected to, and would, get more done. He has at least 5 hours a day during the week.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 22/04/2018 10:30

There is no way in this set up you should be doing anything around the house.
The sahp to one school age child has 6 hours every day to get everything done, including shopping, and still have far more down time than you.

Purplerain101 · 22/04/2018 10:31

I’d expect him to do more if it were me. 5 hours a day during the week is a lot of time so there’s no excuse for the house being a pig sty by the end of the week.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/04/2018 10:36

FWIW, I work part time for two school age dc. My 6 hours are split thus - 1.5 hours pt work/2 hours all house related stuff done/2.5 hours down time.
I get all house related stuff in those ten hours mon-fri so there's nothing left to do weekend or evening. I'm happy to for dh (wohp) to have far more down time than me at weekend as I've had loads in the week.
Your dh is taking the piss.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 22/04/2018 10:38

I'd expect to do nothing in the house in that situation but would heavily resent the set up and would be giving him the ultimatum if finding work or leaving. Can't abide laziness or people that just take.

BadlyParkedRangeRover · 22/04/2018 10:40

You really really shouldn't be doing much of anything round the house! Your DH is a lazy cunt.

geekone · 22/04/2018 10:45

Wow surprised at replies. Your replies would be different if you were a woman writing this from the perspective of the SAHP. If your house is clean and tidy but not clean enough for you then it's your prerogative to clean it. If you work as much as you say you do then your DH is essentially a single dad and how does your relationship work when you work all day and all evening and clean all weekend when you are not working? Your life work balance needs looking at. Either you don't delegate enough or your time management is awful. I never understand this of any parent. I have friends who's DHs work away or work long long hours and the kids don't even notice when they don't make it to school stuff or days out. It's sad and it makes no difference when it's flipped and you are a DM not a DF. Stop concentrating on the house and start concentrating on your family. Speak to your DH also and see if there is any part time work he would be interested in so you stop resenting him so much. I say this by the way as a working mother who travels and my DH also works but we ensure balance for the DS and each other.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsBloomers · 22/04/2018 10:49

Thanks for the replies - good to know I'm not BU! He's not very organised so I've suggested a rota before - I'm going to push this again. I feel like I'm training a puppy sometimes!!

OP posts:
lindyhopy · 22/04/2018 11:00

This set up is unfair, it would be different if the dc was young and he was doing the childcare but not with dc being at school. I think it's his responsibility to do everything around the house given your very long hours. I would say the same if gender roles were reversed too.

monkeysox · 22/04/2018 11:03

I'd bet op is a teacher

Original poster
MaryPoppinsBloomers · 22/04/2018 11:05

geekone thanks for an alternative perspective - why I love MN. We get family time everyday when I get home (3.30-5pm depending on day) until dc in bed around 8pm. That is sacred. I'm talking about personal down time just for me. It's my choice to work as hard as I do which is where the AIBU came from. It's also not a case of tidying & cleaning being to my standard - it's basic stuff like toys away and floors hovered.

Sorry if I wasn't clear - I have work to do at the weekend, I don't spend every waking hour working or cleaning - I'd just like more time to chill. We alternate weekend lies in and have family time then too.

My job is what it is. There are people who get by doing bare minimum but I can't/won't do that and DH respects that. I don't resent him at all just wanted to know if I'd be right to ask for more done around the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryPoppinsBloomers · 22/04/2018 11:07

monkeysox A* for you!! Doing this is actually giving me some down time while dc measures my 'big fat head' with a straw!!! DH up soon (we do love our lies in).

OP posts:
monkeysox · 22/04/2018 11:13

He needs to do more and or get a job

YouTheCat · 22/04/2018 11:16

If he's not going to do it then he needs to get paid work so you can afford a cleaner.

Adversecamber22 · 22/04/2018 11:21

I don't care if the SAHP is a man or woman unless there is some illness or disability to include in the equation then the SAHP should be doing almost everything. However there is the classic what is your standard? Mine are very high DH less so, I have only ever met one couple where the man had higher standards than the woman.

Why do you sort out the bills? Plus honestly until it's time to renew stuff and look for a better deal that really shouldn't take any time at all with online comparisons. Unless of course your constantly flying close to the edge money wise then a lot of headspace is required.

You admit to being a workaholic which is also a problem. I admire people, that work hard but you admit you have an issue, you get one life op.

Bojangles33 · 22/04/2018 11:24

Agree with @geekone Have a look at some other threads where the roles are reversed and people would say the working parent should still be doing their share of the housework and that if they want a cleaner house than the SAHP then that is up to them to do themselves/fund a cleaner.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsBloomers · 22/04/2018 11:37

Adversecamber22 my wage is the only money coming in so it makes more sense for me to deal with the finances. Money isn't tight but couldn't justify cleaner when it would take money away from being able to do things as a family.

Bojangles33 that's exactly why I'm asking for opinions on our set up specifically. It's more about fair share of downtime with my complete acceptance that I work too much/hard in terms of my job.

OP posts:
Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 22/04/2018 11:40

I would say you spending an hour or two spread out through the week is fair he should do the rest , this is what i expect from my dh who works and im the sahp although i do not have much time during the day , 30 mins when dd sleeps , i tell him if he sees something that needs doing just do it cleaning a toilet or a bit of washing up takes minutes

TipTopTat · 22/04/2018 11:44

You have a cocklodger of the highest order. He either cleans and maintains the house properly or goes and gets a fucking job. Why is that even a discussion? I couldn't be with someone who thought it was acceptable to bum around when the child was a school. He's not a 'kept man' he's a husband and a parent, he needs to act like one. Just like every other stay at home parent should be.

GirlsBlouse17 · 22/04/2018 11:49

He should definitely do the cleaning as well.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/04/2018 12:00

I disagree with the two posters who have said it would be different if the genders were reversed. The variable that makes a difference in similar threads is whether the children are pre school or school age.
I don't think I've ever seen anyone say a sahp of one school age child, with no mental health issues or disability, shouldn't be doing the housework.

ThePants999 · 22/04/2018 12:06

Fairness would suggest he should be working during your working hours - but just your "standard" ones. So he should be doing housework when the kid's at school. If the house couldn't be adequately cleaned and tidied in that amount of time then you'd be unreasonable to complain - but I'm pretty darn sure it could!

SilverBirchTree · 22/04/2018 12:12

What does he do with all his spare time OP?

blackteasplease · 22/04/2018 12:27

SAHP with kids at school should be doing almost everything. Especially the tidying and some deep cleaning. That's number 1 priority for his time during school day. Yes cooking and laundry are important too but shouldn't take up all his time.

blackteasplease · 22/04/2018 12:27

And yes I think it would be different if the kids were pre school especially babies. Then thsts a full time job in itself !

SilverBirchTree · 22/04/2018 12:30

He must be relatively young to have just decided he’s not going to work again. That puts a lot of pressure on a teachers salary.

Why isn’t he in work? Is he retraining for a different job?

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