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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How much can I expect DH to do?

52 replies

MaryPoppinsBloomers · 22/04/2018 10:27

Irritated as spending Sunday morning tidying and cleaning again. I work full time, DH is shad to 1dc in school full time. Don't earn enough to employ a cleaner but enough to be comfortable. Although original idea was for him to return to work this hasn't happened and doesn't look like it will.

DH does ALL cooking, laundry, dishes and general day to day stuff. I do all of the shopping and take care of bills, planning etc.

Thing is my job involves working at home on top of full time hours so after dc goes to bed I work until LATE every night plus weekends. DH doesn't tidy or (deep) clean so any down time I might get is spent tackling the pig sty that the house is by Friday.

He gets far more down time than me but I am a workaholic so my AIBU is that should I be expecting him to do more in his extra down time or should I just suck this up? I know he already does a lot but I honestly think if roles were reversed I'd be expected to, and would, get more done. He has at least 5 hours a day during the week.

OP posts:

Kursk · 22/04/2018 12:32

Personally for me, the stay at home parent handles all household chores and child care.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 22/04/2018 12:35

What exactly isn't he doing? He does all the day to day stuff, cooking and laundry? What is all the other stuff you are having to do?

Somtamthai · 22/04/2018 12:45

Just recently my fiancé stopped working. Or DC is in school. So her job is essentially taking care of the house.

Money comes in. Bills are paid, money into savings, each of us get equal spends. And she cleans gets shopping etc. Well actually I still drive and go for the big shop.

Technically she said i wasn’t to do anything. But it doesn’t work like that I do a few bits.

We are considering homeschool for D.C. and if that happens housework will be split 50/50.

When she worked more hours I did the majority of house work. When we done about the same it was a 50/50 split. Except when either of us were ill.

I’d be furious if I was having to do lots of cleaning etc. SAHP = looking after kids. Kid in school means doing most of the housework.

NewYearNewMe18 · 22/04/2018 12:50

No full time working person should be expected to roll up sleeves and do housework when subsidising a SAHP. Peple forget the H in SAHP is for 'home' and part of the trade off is to maintain a decent home for partner and children, and yes, that includes laundry and ironing - because if you think your partner should go to work earning money, whilst looking like a crumpled bag of shite, to keep a roof over your head and food in your belly, frankly needs a reality check.

soap box rant

Mrsmadevans · 22/04/2018 12:56

Why doesn't he have a job now op? Only working gives you money , self esteem , routine, friendship, contact with others. It does most ppl the world of good. I think if he was working you wouldn't feel so irritated at having to do stuff in the house. Also you could then legitimately pay a cleaner , win win all round l would say

SilverBirchTree · 22/04/2018 13:06

I think you should have an equal amount of downtime. If he spent more time tidying and cleaning during the week, then you would have more downtime on the weekend.

I suggest:

Together you write a list of chores (hoovering, scrub shower, change bed sheets) etc include things he is already doing (he may be doing more than you realise!)
allocate how long they each take to complete, and how often you both agree they should be done.
document how you each spend your time for one week. Note working time, leisure time, family time, commuting etc.
Discuss what you find out! Fix any inequality.

And btw bloody good on you for being so dedicated to your students. You sound like a great teacher, I’m sure you are making a big difference to peoples lives.

But I’m still fascinated to know what he does with 5 spare hours a day...

NapQueen · 22/04/2018 13:11

A SAHP male or female with one school age child should be able to keep on top of all laundry, ensure the house is tidy and cleaned, that there is food in for dinner (and prepped if possible).

Once the WOHP returns one of them can cook and the other can do the dinner dishes.

At weekends share cooking and dishes but this should be all that needs doing.

NapQueen · 22/04/2018 13:12

Should add this would be term time only. Id expect some slacking in holidays due to days out / playdates /general entertaining of child.

GibbousMoon · 22/04/2018 13:13

What about telling DD that if she has all her toys put away on Sat morning you will do something or other she enjoys.

TeenyBird · 22/04/2018 13:19

If your child is in school there's no reason your DP shouldn't be doing more. But maybe he thinks he is doing enough and doesn't realise your resentment. I agree with some of the other posters, maybe a good chat would set things straight?

Coralcolouredchrome · 22/04/2018 13:20

I've worked P/T and F/T my OH had never helped with housework, in fact if my DS sees him wash a cup, he fetches me so I can watch a miracle in action.

NapQueen · 22/04/2018 13:26

You sound proud Coral

SilverBirchTree · 22/04/2018 13:32

@Coral Sorry to hear it. What are you going to do about it?

Bea1985 · 22/04/2018 13:59

This has nothing to do with the gender of the SAHP and everything to do with the age of the DC. Babies and pre school age DC - SAHP Should get some help evenings and weekends. DC and school means SAHP has bags of time and should do all housework, tidying, laundry, food shopping bills and if possible some food prep for dinner. They should be busy the whole time the DC is at school save the odd coffee / lunch break.

Sorry OP but your DP is taking the piss. You shouldn't be doing anything evenings / weekends, unless your standards are unnecessarily high.

Original poster

MaryPoppinsBloomers · 22/04/2018 16:00

Thanks for all of the replies.

SilverBirchTree we are both older parents and, whilst he is both intelligent and capable, DH has no formal qualifications. When he has gone for jobs he's been knocked back in favour of younger people. I think this has knocked his confidence (though he'd never admit it!) and there's also a strong possibility that after 8 years now he's a bit stuck in a rut. I've no issue with being the only earner and we do OK money wise.

sweeneytoddsrazor it's just the tidying and cleaning that doesn't get done. I know he does do a lot - I've said this - but none of the above getting done during the week means its a big job for me at the weekend.

GibbousMoon DC does put his stuff away sometimes, it's mostly the stuff that he will 'play with again tomorrow' that gets left but it gets left for days. You're right though, he should take on more responsibility for tidying up. He's still too young for the hoover though!

Ok, this post was me procrastinating from marking! Back to it!

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 22/04/2018 16:02

Your dp doesn't do a lot. He really doesn't. He does the bare minimum.

If he's intelligent why doesn't he get some qualifications now?

geekone · 22/04/2018 16:04

OP glad to hear it's not as bad as I imagined . I still think of you look at the vast majority of posts on the same thing on AIBU when the roles are reversed people are hard on the working DH not the SAHM

Inertia · 22/04/2018 16:09

He should be cleaning during his free time during the school day.

I would say the same to a woman ( and do the cleaning in our house as I work part time).

If you had pre-schoolers, or children with disabilities, then it would be understable that he couldn't clean while caring for them.

LannieDuck · 22/04/2018 16:24

One parent working FT, the other SAHP with one school-age child...

Regardless of genders, I would say the SAHP treats the hours of the school day like a job and 'works' those hours - shopping, washing, cleaning etc. Any chores left after that time are split.

But I can't imagine why there would be any chores left after that time - my cleaner can do the entire house in 4 hours, so can't your OH keep on top of general tidyness/cleaning with an hour a day? That still leaves at least 4 hours a day for the shopping/cooking etc.

HeebieJeebies456 · 22/04/2018 16:31

He needs to get a job.......not ALL jobs need formal qualifications or previous exp - cleaning, bar work, call centre, retail etc.

He could go on a study course full time to get qualifications/retrain....but i guess he has an excuse for that too.

He just doesn't want to work or be a team player, such lazy and unattractive behaviour

Coralcolouredchrome · 22/04/2018 16:37

Not proud NapQueen just resigned.

mintbiscuit · 22/04/2018 16:47

How are you planning to fund your retirement OP if DH doesn’t work? Or will you be funding that too?

Personally I think all SAHPs should at least work part time when DCs are school age. It’s the example you set to your DCs that you need to contribute financially to the household and your retirement. Male or female. (I’ll probably be flamed for that)

Moonandstars84 · 22/04/2018 17:48

Regardless of genders, I would say the SAHP treats the hours of the school day like a job and 'works' those hours - shopping, washing, cleaning etc. Any chores left after that time are split.

That is ideal in theory. However, in my case if I did this I wouldn't get any free time.
I do work part time btw and have more dc than op but as a virtual sahp my evenings are spent ferrying kids to activities, cooking dinner, washing up and do bedtime for the youngest
If I worked during school hours I would not get much free time.
Ok your dh is clearly not doing enough.

Moonandstars84 · 22/04/2018 17:51

I would love to be able to clean the whole house in 4 hours.
Too much clutter to do this. Working on it but dh keeps buying stuff.

LannieDuck · 22/04/2018 18:13

Moon Lol, yeah - I couldn't do the whole lot in 4 hours either.

But a hour a day to keep things under control should be doable?

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