To ask if DS's friend as autism?

[TryingNotToPutMyFootInIt]

Name change in case outing.

DS has relatively recently made friends with a new boy in his class at school (they are 8, Y3). The boys have a lot of similar interests (unusual ones for boys their age) which they have bonded over. On the one hand i am over the moon that he finally had a friend he doesn't have to prented to like football for etc but on the other DS's behaviour has started to mimic the friend's in a bad way.

I have seen this boy have 'meltdowns' - unable to cope with seemingly everyday things, shouting, banging walls, running a sort of inner monologue out loud about how unfair if all is etc etc. and DS is now doing the same.

I know the mum to say hi to, to have a brief playground chat with. we have been chatting more since the boys have become friends. She has never said that her son is autistic but i want to have a conversation with her to establish the facts so i can find a way to deal with DS's behaviour.

To be clear, whether he is or isnt autistic will have no impact on their friendship, i have no intention of stopping them being friends or trying to put DS off the boy. Basically i really want to say to DS 'your friend has reasons he acts the way he does, you have no good reason to act out like this'.

So WIBU to speak with the mum? I'm really struggling with this swing in DS's behaviour and I dont know how else to move forward as nothing seems to be working.

It's a tricky one because I suppose ordinarily if 'tom' was having meltdowns and your son wasn't copying you wouldn't bat an eyelid. The fact your ds is copying makes you involved in a way.

i don't see the secrecy surrounding a diagnosis as though it's something to be ashamed of. I think if a child's friend can understand the behaviour by being informed of the reasons behind it they can accept it and help their friend better.

I have 2 friends with dc with asd and both are open about this as they want others who know their dc to understand better but not everyone will be. And if he doesn't have asd the mum may well be relieved to hear another mothers child is doing the same and she isn't the only one trying to deal with the behaviour!

I think you have both boys best interests at heart and I think the other mother will be happy she has your support regardless. She could well be worrying about the friendship lasting so I do think it would be good to speak to her.

One thing to remember is that child copy behaviour to test boundaries. Your ds doesn't need to use the same behaviour as his friend, but may be doing to see what reaction he gets.

You don't need to know what his friend does what he does. Simply say "friend has his reasons for acting the way he does, you don't need to do that and it is hugely disrespectful to friend to mimic his distress"

you need to help him by showing another way to express his feelings please don't. If friend is indeed ASD (or anything else, for that matter) chances are they might be in some type of therapy to help him dela with his emotions. Your son trying to show him other ways to express his feelings could be hugely confusing for friend.

@NotTakenUsername I am glad I am not the only who thought that of 8.16 post!

@TryingNotToPutMyFootInIt - you're not trying very hard. Your post of 08.16 is very judgemental.

differentname how is it judgemental? Me saying my parenting style is different does not mean i'm judging her parenting style. it just means they are different, simple as. In context, that reply was in relation to how i'd feel about how she handles her son if he was NT rather than having any form of SN. I fully accept that with an autistic child who is having a meltdown the way you deal/diffuse is very different. my post of 8.16 is merely to clarify that i choose to parent a NT child differently to her if indeed her child is NT. no judgement, just statement of fact.

No worries . Perhaps I’m not explaining myself well so I’ll try again.

My friend, who I talked about upthread is pretty strict with her ds and they clash easily because of it. She’s asked for input from me and other parents as we all do. Every time she works with him, not against him, setting clear boundaries but respecting his, life runs far smoother. He’s her youngest child and the most difficult to parent. She has a friend with a more challenging child and she gave her some very good advice. She’s now starting to see the benefit of parenting her ds differently. I hope you get some good tips from your friend too.

don't talk to the mum - talk to the school.

don't talk to the mum - talk to the school.

About whether Tom has a medical condition? They won’t say anything. It’s absolutely not their place.

mummyof i see what you mean. i like to think i'm not so blinkered as to ignore DS's needs and yes of course, there needs to be some flexibility in methods of parenting to suit each child's need but i would expect these still to generally sit within the same rough style of parenting. Like i said, this is more about a sudden change in his reactions since becoming friends with Tom which clearly resemble how Tom reacts rather than anything else. Generally DS is a good kid, just deaf to all attempts to get him to do anything and then its all 'not fair'! I'm sure he'll come through it in the end.

Whether or not this child has ASD or not has absolutely nothing to do with you and I would find it quite rude if you wanted to “discuss” my child’s behaviour with me. Leave poor Tom alone it’s not his fault he is the way he is if he does have ASD and it certainly isn’t his Mums. Frankly not your business

Just read 8.16.Seems like you think you are the better parent than your friend? No one wants to “accept” a kid shouting but just because you “tell them it’s not appropriate” doesn’t mean they know it isn’t appropriate. Not everybody has the same level of understanding. What isn’t appropriate is for someone to keep having a go at them without first trying to understand if they actually know what the hell you are talking about

i wouldnt necessariy ask, but id assume the other kid probably was on the spectrum, and then just carry on as normal.

Theres not actually anything you could do with the information anyway if youre not planning on stopping them being friends

Concentrate on parenting your own child rather than judging others.

Another friends ds is always saying things are not fair whilst doing the Kevin and Perry floppy arm thing infront of his body. I do have to conceal my inward sniggers. The thing about being a kid is being dissatisfied with certain aspects of life a fair amount of time especially if they don’t enjoy school or homework. Although looking back, often people see life as a child being the best bit, I think for some it can also be frustrating and even humiliating. And sometimes being a kid can be really tough even with engaged parents, which you definitely sound like you are.

As a thought, do you think that your ds could be acting this way because he is telling you he wants to be parented more like his friends mum? I’m not saying in a conscious way nor because he wants to get away with misbehaving. It’s really difficult to tell from the snapshot you’re giving so I could be way off the mark. He could also be trying to understand why he is doing the same thing as his friend and getting different results - ie different parenting.

I am a relatvely strict parent, i expect a good level of behaviour and i have no time for attachment parenting styles

i will never be the parent who has a child yell and scream in their face and then be nicey nicey about it, it is not appropriate and they need to know that

She ignores the behaviour and focuses on calming him. I feel addressing the behaviour is vital

I don't see why you can't just tell him to behave hi self. His friend's reasons for behaving that way are irrelevant.

You don’t need to know.
But you do need to set clear boundaries with your child and also give the friendship some space.
It isn’t acceptable for your child to shout and get in a temper and he shouldn’t be copying poor behaviour. It doesn’t matter if the other child has a diagnosis for something.

You'd get short shrift from me if you asked me about my children's autism tbh. Your problem is your son behaving in a way you don't want him to so you need to address that. Whether he is copying Tom or whether he is doing it for another reason doesn't alter your need to address it. Parents parent differently, I'm one of the uber calm ones it's just my nature it doesn't mean I'm lax or ineffective it does mean though that I'm not going to put on a display of parenting or discipline to appease others who do things differently.