To ask what's an adult problem that nobody prepared you for?

[Midge1978]

For me it's keeping the bathroom clean. I don't think I ever saw my mother clean hers but it was always immaculate and rosey smelling. I can't seem to keep on top of the mould monster in mine!

Dealing with DC attempted suicide/long term hospital admission/ongoing mental health problems over years. It's a black cloud over me that never goes away. I don't know whether he will pass any exams/hold down a job despite being one of the brightest kids in his year group at school.

That you always feel like an imposter/teenager. I see friends my age with high flying jobs and children and just feel amazed because I don't feel old enough for any of it and still feel like I'm winging it.

I'm lucky not to have dealt with bereavement yet but I dread when my grandparents or parents go. I'm 29 I have never dealt with grief, I wouldn't know how to cope.

That love, like everything, takes work. I believed fairytales, where love happened and everything was good. Love is a verb, you have to actively show and give love or it fades.

I remember as a kid being very analytical of adults. I didn't understand why my mum's pretty friend had worried an uglier, older man, or why people chose to live in an ugly house in a horrible neighbourhood or why they chose to do that boring job.

I realised as an adult that some people marry for money/security, that some people marry and fall out of love but don't leave, that people live where they can afford/close to family/close to a kid's school, that people do jobs to get buy/to earn money. That not everything is representative of someone's highest potential on this planet, just circumstances and choices.

How to change the windscreen wipers.
Laundry!!! I don’t know how on earth my mum did it, but all our washing was done, dry and put away every day like magic - but it just seems to multiply here!

That there's an undercurrent of cruelty to life that can't be photoshopped or filtered away.

That beauty, looks and the body for men and women wither.

That health, peaceful old age, love and a happy family are not guaranteed to anyone.

That things don't just happen for you because you are good. The horrible secret is that actually selfishness and a disdain for what other people think/feel gets many further.

My mum told me the story of just having had me in hospital and being next to a beautiful Indian woman who had just had her own baby. She had a scar down her cheek and told my mum that she was in an abusive arranged marriage. She was crying and told my mum that this was supposed to be the happiest day of her life, but now she knew she and her baby were truly stuck.

That good things don't always happen to good people.

That some people are truly evil to children, animals, women, men, there isn't always that 'natural kindness' that people are supposed to feel towards living things.

That illness is an insidious, slow decline that robs you of dignity, of hope, of courage, of looks, of hygiene, of independence.

That love is not forever as you lose people you love or they become unwell.

I try to find joy in the day to day now, I still comfort myself with TV shows and movies, I think we all do, but I know that life has a crueller edge and is unfair. I don't think there is much to perfectly presented life's - suffering is indiscriminate.

Also that some people are very lucky in life and will tell people things like, 'it will be okay' and 'just pick yourself up.' Easy to say when you don't have any real problems and things have happened effortlessly for you.

Also that mental illness can rob people of the best and physically healthiest years of their life. Spending time locked away because of anxiety/depression when you have no 'actual' issues - it's a cruel illness for many people.

Kids expect to be fed more than once a day. Every. Single. Day. Relentless!

Yes some people are very lucky in life. Great for them. But the ones who think this means life is easy for everyone and that others are just being lazy, really annoy me.
That bad things rarely seem to come in ones.

How tired I would be all the time.
How, as a woman returning to work post maternity, I would be expected to parent like I don't work* and work like I have no children.
(*Caveat - DH is an amazing Dad and partner and does more than his share of everything, it's more an external, societal expectation).
How keeping the house in a state that doesn't make us look feral is nearly a full time job all by itself.
How lonely I would still feel.

Death of a distant relative. My grandmother wanted to do the right thing but didn’t want to do the work because she wasn’t confident in dealing with people.
I took it over and buried the relative.
What shocked me was her (my grandmothers) brother’s instantly said “we don’t have any money to contribute and we won’t attend a funeral”.
Then when it emerged there was left over money and people were due a lump sum, they attended the internment!
I made sure there were funeral wreaths (made them myself). Relatives questioned how much they cost! (Made then myself, Lidl flowers and oasis wreath template from amazon)

Planning a funeral
Emptying a deceased persons home
Miscarriage
Falling in love with someone I shouldn’t
Making important decisions for my children that would affect them

All the bloody decision making and associated deliberations. From the millions of small stuff like meal planning and when to visit elderly relatives to the bigger ones like should we have another child. It makes my head hurt.

The grief of losing people around you, aunts, uncles, older cousins, all those who embodied your childhood, and the unadulterated fear of something awful befalling your children. No one told me the fear there is in being a parent.

that parents won't ever really butt out of your life

BlooperReal
I agree whole heartedly with you.
I'm a glass half empty sort of person so I'm constantly worried about them.

Children.

The crushing feeling of being ghosted by a friend you loved like a sister

That bad things happen to good people

That being in the boys club at work is way more important than doing the job well

That having children wrecks your body and your career

That the worst thing about having a child with SN is worrying about what will happen to him when I am gone. There is literally nobody else. His dad bailed, remarried and started a new family years ago. He is a vulnerable adult but not classed as sufficiently disabled to get support.

That some people get real gratification from long term emotional abuse and years of hidden affairs. That would be you then exH. Still don't understand why he couldn't just say he wanted a divorce and fuck off. I look back now and cringe at how he manipulated and ridiculed me from day 1 and I was too naive and stupid to see it.

@BartonHollow

Having a kid with special needs.

That being a 'good' girl doesn't pay. You have less fun, nobody admires you for it (quite the opposite), you miss out on a lot, and all that studying got you no further than the people who partied all night in their teens and twenties.

That being good at your job isn't nearly as important as sucking up to the boss.

The feeling of being completely alone and knowing that really, nobody gives a damn about you, when your second parent dies.

How difficult it is to find tradespeople you can trust and how much money you have to pay them.

Not being more confident than when you were five years old.

Probate and everything that comes before it 😥.

@SabineUndine

I totally also have good girl regret for the exact reasons you outline

@MrsWillGardner thank you

The heartbreak of a son who is living with acute depression and anxiety, to the extent he can’t manage his life. Fearing every day that this will be the day he takes his life. Feeling so isolated because no one understands the misery this inflicts on the whole family. The despair of knowing this will never change. Getting older and having to deal with him as though he were a child. Still doing everything for him, and wondering what will happen when we’re gone.
The disappointment as the loving family we were disintegrates under the strain of this and siblings no longer communicate
The absolute devastation of a parents death. You come to terms with it, but your world is never the same. Watching that parents life ebb away as they die in pain and humiliation.
The endless endless worry about your children as adults. It’s so much harder than when they’re little.
Agree about the good girl thing. I wish I’d had a lot more fun and been less afraid.
The tedium of life. The stress. The constant worry about money.
The importance of having a proper career.