To ask what's an adult problem that nobody prepared you for?

[Midge1978]

For me it's keeping the bathroom clean. I don't think I ever saw my mother clean hers but it was always immaculate and rosey smelling. I can't seem to keep on top of the mould monster in mine!

I learnt very early on from parents who were by turns chaotic, neglectful, selfish, incompetent, borderline aggressive/abusive and careless of their children to be wary, distrustful, defensive, alert, resilient, hard working and ambitious. It has stood me in good stead and I did not have any great shocks as an adult that I couldn’t deal with. I expected life to be awful and it has actually not been so bad. My greatest nightmare would be not having any money.

What domestic abuse looks like and how to get out of an abusive relationship.

The amount of bloody admin involved in just living!

I have an admin-heavy job with lots of online stuff. I get home and find I have to spend another hour or two online organising e.g. Water rates payment, doctor's appt, optician's appt, Holiday insurance, pressies for family party, delivery of logs, dishwasher engineer, car service, blah, blah, blah. It's relentless and I hate it.

I think Richard Curtis films have a lot to answer for here. Coming into early adulthood watching Four Weddings and a Funeral, Love Actually and Notting Hill and thinking that this was what life was actually like.

There would be ups and downs, but amazing relationships, so much laughter and picture perfect winter scenes and it would all come together in the end.

So much sadness on this thread. I wish comfort and strength to all of you.

Clean with paper. Use mould cleaner( e. g. Tesco) spray once, wipe off with disposable cloth, spray again. Job done until next week/month/year. For tiles, one has to remove grout/cover, fill/cover with anti-mould grout/cover.

Domestic abuse may start with put downs, derogatory remarks, belittling, then lead to pushiness, demands, prohibitions, etc. In could go on to violence, enslaving, etc. See Citizens Advice Bureau for solutions like evidence gathering, self-assertion, peer action, court procedures, etc.

Little I think a hell of a lot of fiction is thoroughly misleading. I used to enjoy Joana Trollope because her books dealt with things not being 'happy ever after' all the time.

Tidy as your go along or as soon as possible after. Leave things as good as or better than you found them. Keep notes on your phone/pad on what to buy/check/compare/do/test/tidy. Schedule them daily/weekly/monthly/yearly, do them, reschedule for next time then delete them for this time.

Starting early menopause when you have a 3 year old. Just when you begin to feel yourself, you get these terrible symptoms like anger and low moods, all while trying to bring up two young children. It is just unfair.

Cleaning a car inside and out, putting petrol in and all those other little checks. No-one in our family had a car so these things never ever entered my mind.

Plus of course, all the other 'grown up' things like sorting out insurance each year, checking the bank statement, reading the meters.

General property maintenance - I thought my parents would repaint things for fun/a change. I miss being in a stone Scottish tenement where I didn't have to deal with painting the outside. Also the dust! Spent 8 years in top floor flats in my 20's - very little dust. Now in a house and dust builds up sooo quickly and repainting even though last done 7 years ago.

Have to admit to a radiator fail (years ago) when turned it too much, key popped out and water/steam pishing out. Oops!

Having to plan for power of attorney/executor for wills etc. Having to think about future care for parents and extended family.

to count my blessings as life can change in an instant.

i try and remember that when having a "low" day - i have nothing to be miserable about. especially after reading this thread in full, i am so sorry for all that so many of you are going through.

but it is just all so relentless and boring.

i too am a product of the 90s education system

• work hard, get As, go to uni = a great career, money, life. At 48 I am still trying to work out what it is i should do.

That you actually can't be selfish, even just a little bit. I am always being told that sometimes it's ok to be a little selfish like buying a winter coat for yourself, or treating urself to a new bra because it's stabbing u in the boob before buying the kids more clothes, or going for a night out once in a blue moon because if u hear "mummy I need a drink, mummy I need a wee, mummy, mummy, mummy" 1 more time u might scream. But actually in reality, u do these things and are judged if not criticised for being selfish!

That my parents (all parents?) lied, I am not successful/rich/etc, it does not all work out in the end, and I AM NOT a princess who will always be rescued by the knight in shining armour.

That dust is not something you can wipe away with a bit of polish and all is good, it is the enemy and battles will be fought daily for the rest of your life.
x

But more importantly, that what should be the most easiest thing in the world (like getting a prescription for my dd) is actually a 7 month battle which ends everytime with me losing my shit at the GP surgery for them to sort it out because as her mother every1 else blames u for the lack of said prescription.
x

I learnt very early on from parents who were by turns chaotic, neglectful, selfish, incompetent, borderline aggressive/abusive and careless of their children to be wary, distrustful, defensive, alert, resilient, hard working and ambitious. It has stood me in good stead and I did not have any great shocks as an adult that I couldn’t deal with. I expected life to be awful and it has actually not been so bad

I agree with this. Although I suffered terribly with depression when I had my own children and had to face the fact that my own childhood was wrong.

My greatest nightmare would be the death of one of my children. They are my rock and my world.

My father (who had somehow managed to keep secret the fact that he had advanced lung cancer) collapsing at the top of the stairs and having a spontaneous lung evacuation. He was dead in seconds. I, fortunately, somehow went onto auto-pilot, ringing for a doctor to certify his death, ringing the undertaker, cleaning the body and making it presentable......and then when it was all over I simply gathered a bucket of hot, soapy water, rubber gloves and a scrubbing brush and set about clearing up the shambles covering the carpets and walls.

Talk about being in a daze!

Office politics

When you realise how much your parents actually did for you when you have kids of your own you appreciate everything so much more. It’s hard knowing what to do when you have no idea really!

That bullying doesn't stop when you leave school.
That being clever and hard-working isn't enough.
That you can't "do anything you want to do" like the teachers told you.

That when you buy your own flat you are never done with having to pay to repair things and redecorating to keep the place presentable.

The death of your mother and having a complete personality change afterwards into a shy and retiring character who is nervous in social situations.

You think you're invincible in your 20s and 30s and then as soon as you hit 40 your body starts to age slowly but surely.

Being expected to know what to do in every household emergency e.g our hot water tank on upstairs landing burst showering hot water everywhere and flooding upstairs and neither DH or I could find the stop cock to turn off the water, as it's location had been moved by a heating engineer 12 months earlier

That the menopause will make you a jibbering wreck unable to leave the house at time

That having children means you never have another tranquil moment in your life and it gets worse as they get older.

Wiping your own mothers bottom and she has no idea who you are.

Sockunicorn,
I'm really sorry to hear about your parents. That really sucks. I'm sending you love and light. X

That I would suffer years of (undiagnosed) pain from endometriosis and discovering I was infertile, the cost of IVF etc and its failure (but we did adopt so a happy ending ultimately).
That time is most definitely not a healer following the loss of parents and a sibling.
That workplace bullying is unquestionably a thing and that HR don’t necessarily care.
That working hard, accumulating loads of experience, being very competent at what you do, “going the extra mile” etc does not guarantee you a high salary or promotions.
That not having a degree would put such a limitation on my career opportunities.
That everything is so bloody expensive these days in comparison to earnings.
That I wouldn’t be able to afford foreign holidays.
That I would still be working this hard in my 50’s.

That I say phrases like “in my day….” and “when I was growing up…”
That I wouldn’t be able to keep up with technology. I still can’t operate the DVD player and have no idea what all those buttons do on the remote control.
That I would never be able to save enough to retire.
That the whirlwind of working, commuting, housework, cooking and responsibilities of being a homemaker, mum, wife, friend etc never ever stops.
That I would feel so inadequate that I cannot be everything to everyone, all of the time.

Hugs to all of the other posters on this thread struggling with your respective woes. Hopefully there is comfort in knowing you are not alone.