my husband is being a dick

[TotHappy]

I've posted about my husband before. We're not really very compatible and have had a rocky 10 years of marriage, bit love things about each other as well and wanted to make it work. So we had lots of ups and downs.
I feel like I'm nearing the end of my tether now and as close as I've ever been to asking him to leave - the trouble is, i cant understand how he thinks he's eight and he can't understand how i think I'm right. Meaningful discussion is very difficult because we're both utterly frustrated and pissed off with the other so not really listening. Some perspective would be useful as he definitely thinks IABU.

The issue is he thinks I am controlling and I think he is disrespectful. This manifests in lots of ways but one example is the row that blew up yesterday. He had planned to go out with a friend straight from work, said he'd only be half an hour then home. Yesterday morning i asked when he planned to be home and he said he'd prob stay about an hour then come home. I clarified so will you be home for tea? And he said yes.
After work he popped home first to change car for bike, me and dd were in the garden, it was literally 5 mins, he gave us both a kiss and i asked again when to expect him... He said an hour, but as he was cycling it'd be a bit longer so again I clarified 'about half 7 then? We'll have dinner for then' and he agreed.
When there was no sign of him at 7.45 i rang and asked if he was on his,way, he said no but he'd leave in 10 mins, is that alright? I said we're hungry and he said start without me, i said can't you cone now and he said no so i said fine, see you soon. I wasn't happy but i wasn't going to make a massively big deal it of it.
He came home at 8.30, so we'd finished tea, i was playing with dd before bed. He came in and put her to bed, i put the TV on, was on my phone. I was pissed off with him so didn't say much but didn't blank him, just didn't feel like a conversation. So he watched TV, we each made a few comments, etc. Late in the eve he asked if i was ok, i said yeah, I'm alright, he asked a couple more times so i said yeah, I'm a bit mis but I'm alright. He said is it because i spent Friday evening out with mate and I said it's not because you went out no, it's because you changed three times the time you were coming home and then didn't even,stick to the last agreed, it's,a very long time for me with dd by myself from 6.30am.
He followed,me outside for a smoke and was obviously fuming and in a nutshell saying that he went out, plans changed, so fucking what? He would never care if i did that', he would be happy for me, and what could have been a nice evening for us is ruined by me 'aggressing' him. I dont think i was aggressive at all, i was clearly pissed off with him and not in a mood for talking which i know seems passive aggressive but i didn't want to talk because he'd been drinking and i knew it would turn to a row. Which it instantly did. He created a row instead of just letting me leave it to simmer down and get my shit together. I said i feel disrespected because he's saying his time and convenience is more important than mine, if i dont like it - 'so the fuck what?'
I went to bed, took the car keys with me as he has a history of drink driving, he asked if i had them and i said yes, he said why, i said to stop you driving, he was enraged but said he wanted something from the car. I said id get it, he insisted, i said he could have them if he brought them back after he'd got it, he eventually agreed to this and did so after another long rant about how I'm belittling him, im controlling, i have no right to put him n that position.
I found a text this morning sent at 1am reiterating all that about me being controlling, belittling, ruining the eve. I'm sick to death of this shit.
AIBU?

I have no idea where everyone is getting the controlling part from, surely it's good manners to turn up at the time agreed? I would hate to be waiting in someone in a restaurant at 7.30, for them to show up an hour later without telling you they were running late. HE was the one who said 7.30 initially, why can't he give a realistic time or text to tell her of the lateness? Of course he may just have said 7.30 to not have a row with OP before going out, but that comes from the breakdown in the communication between them. I hate it when people say they will do something, but end up not doing it or doing it badly.

OP I wish I had advice, I'm going through something similar with my partner, we can't talk to each other without griping and it's horrible. I get the going quiet on him when annoyed, it's not the right thing to do but when you don't want to talk to someone because it will just end in a pointless row what else is there? I'm trying to see if we can start counselling, but at the same time I'm trying to put things in place so I'm in a position to leave with young kids in case the counselling doesn't work out. Maybe try the same?

This is no way to live your ONLY LIFE. You are both unreasonable for staying together and being miserable. Move on and enjoy your life.

Well its fine that in theory he wouldn’t mind if you flexed your plans too, but in practice it seems like that wouldn’t work because you are left holding the baby and don’t know what he is doing.

You are walking on eggshells around his drinking too. Doesn’t sound great, and the inherent anxiety of this would make me controlling probably.

Maybe experiment - what actually happens if YOU don’t stick to plans, don’t chase him about times, don’t save him dinner, go and have a long bath instead of ‘chatting’ nicely when he gets home drunk. If he is totally laid back with this, and respectful to you, then maybe he has a point. If he is petty, aggressive, or critical, or of life starts going tits up because you are not managing everything, then you have a point.

YANBU. You didn't 'ruin the evening'. You didn't do anything except get upset at his lack of consideration.

So he's allowed to upset you, but you're not allowed to get upset with him because it will spoil his mood?

I'd be annoyed at someone saying they'll be home for dinner and then not being. Just tell me you're not likely to be home, or you'll sort out your own food. Don't make me prepare extra, then delay our own meal while we're waiting for you. It's rude.

Yes, both are true. He makes stupid decisions when drunk. He knows they're wrong but will rarely apologise as often it makes him feel uncomfortable.

After my other thread, i have tried to be clearer re the drink driving. I have told him it's not something i can live with. I have called the police when he drove out drunk once, but they didn't catch him. Last week i had the calmest discussion so far, when i just said, this is what i want out of life, do you want it too or not? Because i dont feel like spending the next 50 years making each other unhappy. He said he knows drink driving is wrong, it's just poor impulse control - when he wants something, he just rationalises all the reasons why it's fine. But he said he would stop doing it. So last night, when i said i didn't want him to have the keys, he said that he'd said he'd stop so i should trust him. Trouble is, as i said, that he's broken his word on this in the past so like it or not, I dont trust him, much as I'd like to.

If he can’t control himself enough not to drive when he’s drunk, he shouldn’t drink.

Sorry, got distracted half way through writing that. First sentence was @thethoughtfox.
We have been to counselling, stopped about 3 months ago, i thought we had resolved some things and sorted a way of communicating better but seems not. Maybe need to go back. We've finally got to the point today where we agreed to have a talk Sunday evening and try to actually think about what we want to say first and listen to each other.

@downwiththatsortofthing it's horrible isnt it. I dont want to leave, but am thinking about it. I want to make it worse but just hate living like this.

• work not worse

I'd be inclined to say that you sound cool controlling. Dh probably is so used to it that he was initially trying to appease you-I won't be long etc. If you were more relaxed about things he may have been more honest/upfront in the first place. I get annoyed if I'm continually being pinned down to a time and actually may rebel against. Fair enough with the car keys though.

So drink driving would be a deal breaker for me but going by the info in the original OP - I wouldn’t pick a night DH was going out after work to make him anything special for his dinner, he could have left overs from what I made for myself if he wanted or a pizza from the oven.

To me this comes down to whether he takes the piss and is out all the time. If not then treat him like an adult and not a child with a curfew. Or if he treats his home like a hotel tackle how often he is out and his contributions to family life.

I used to get pissed off at my DH for not coming home from pub with mates when he said he would (and I had dinner waiting) when our kids were young. It felt like I wasn't important to him, and also I was lonely because I didn't get to go out with any others adults (I'd moved areas and haven't made any friends).

Once the kids started school, I made friends at the school gates and then would go out on occasion. I relaxed a bit about DH not being back on time from the pub, took control a bit more and said "have a lovely time, dinner will be in the fridge when you get home". I expected the same support (i.e. him looking after the kids, bathing putting to bed, dinner cooked and in fridge) when I went out.

So, do you go out of an evening OP and is he supportive?

I expect he feels the pressure from you to be at home with you and DD, but once down the pub relaxing with mates, after a few drinks he feels it won't matter so much if he's a bit late etc.

The drink-driving IMO is non-negotiable. No driving if drinking.

He is a selfish alcoholic, no wonder you are concerned about his time home when he sometimes drink drives. You did sound controlling to me at first but now i wonder...do you feel anxious or walking on egg shells when you know he is out for a drink?

I think coming home at 8.30pm is reasonable, and that he probably shouldn't be pinned down to a precise time. But it does sound as if the reason you're trying to control him is because you're anxious about other things - maybe the drink driving, maybe other stuff too. I sympathise with this, as I have behaved similarly with my DH because I fear he will drink too much (when he does, he's fantastically witty and entertaining with everyone else, then comes home and is foul to me). We have had endless rows about it and I don't like the behaviour it provokes in me - controlling - or the resentfulness that subsequently provokes in him.

I have tried to talk to him about the underlying issue and we have made some progress. He now understands how anxious it makes me feel and that to some extent he has a problem with drink. But I would strongly advise that the only way to talk to your DH about it is the next day or even the day after, when all the heat has been taken out of the situation. If you feel he doesn't respect you, you both need to talk about what you both need to feel listened to and valued in the marriage. It has to be a two-way process.

Thanks, cinnamontoast, that's what i wanted to do i.e. Not talk about it last night, and he has now agreed to talk tomorrow evening.

Thanks all for the advice and thoughts. It is hard to just up and leave when you know you are behaving badly and therefore have hopes that things could change but on the other hand hard to resolve anything once you've let that resentment grow. The pattern of him behaving thoughtlessly, so me trying to control him so it doesn't happen again, so him flexing his liberty a bit more, etc is very hard to break out of. I think the best thing i can do is to lay it on the line about the things he could do that would make me feel secure, supported and respected and then (assuming he listens) somehow do whatever i can to avoid trying to control his response? So tell him how to love me' and then just let him choose to love me or not? And then I'll have my answer.

It's difficult to separate the wood from the trees sometimes. I know the things we have rows about aren't necessarily the things that really matter, they're just the triggers.

I wouldn’t lay it on the line. I would open a dialogue where you are both able to say what you need - not just you.

Just read the whole thread again seeking pearls of wisdom. Thank you @AnnaMagnani and @LiveLifeWithPassion especially, your responses were especially thought -provoking and helpful. Also really comforting to hear from posters that they are going through similar cyclical rowing - not that I wish this on anyone but I want to believe that our marriage is not alone in having really, really shit times. I live in hope that we will all get a happy outcome.

See! I can type a proper post with punctuation and paragraphs and everything once my toddler's gone to bed!

Yes, cinnamon, you're right. I struggle to imagine him sting anything other than 'I want you to stop controlling me' but I will try to keep an open mind and be receptive.

Do you feel you have to control his life because he is irresponsible and selfish, and someone needs to? It sounds like it.

I feel for you. Objectively it is not at all reasonable to control when someone comes home if you yourself have the same freedoms. I.e., can go out and sleep it off in the am while partner does the parenting shift. If not, .... well, no wonder you are pissed off. I would be too.

Drink driving is a huge NO and for me would bw grounds for divorce.

If anyone is 'controlling' it is the DP.

He controlled the op's expectations by saying he will do one thing, then doing something different.

He controlled how she spent her evening by leaving her expecting he would be home for dinner, leaving her hanging.

He controlled her option to make a plan to go out, meet a friend, going for a walk, etc, by saying he would be home to spend the evening with her. It's no good saying 'but why didn't you go out at 8.30?' - it's no bloody good then because the op is at a loose end.

No wonder the op was repeatedly asking him to stick to his promise to be home at a particular time: it is because she has NO control and he knows full well he has the balance of power.

It wouldn't surprise me at all if he punishes her for her 'controlling' by ignoring her texts in the future and staying out later.

I'm an adult....... My DH does not tell me when to be home, and I also don't tell him.

Gosh you are so dreadfully codependent with this man op. Do you realise that? Every post drips with it. Have you ever been to an Al Anon meeting?

Seriously there is only one problem here - it's that you are a classic codependent to an alcoholic.

Stop trying to force this guy to be the person you wish you'd actually married. do you understand that you married a whole person? Like - he existed before you knew him. You can't "manage" him into being a decent partner. You aren't God, you aren't that powerful.

Can you imagine how peaceful it would be if you could just allow folk to be who they are, without your intervention?

If you were married to someone who naturally just was the kind of person with whom you naturally clicked, where everything just came together naturally?

Why have you chosen this torturous marriage? Why did you choose a partner who doesn't show even the basics of what you want in a partner? These are sincere questions.

What would it take for you to just gracefully step back and allow this relationship to end?

Honestly you are just fundamentally not compatible. Life is too short for all this - you need to be with someone that you connect with.

I understand both sides (aside from the drink driving), but it’s not going to get better. You think he’s immature and he thinks you belittle him, those feelings of resentment you both had won’t go away unfortunately.

YANBU

Like PP have pointed out, you are actually being controlled by him as his behaviour is massively impacting your life and what you do.

Going out on a Friday night and frequently changing the time you are due to return is going to really mess up the schedule of anyone waiting at home for you. That's just common sense. You were stuck at home looking after DD whilst he was out enjoying himself and he didn't even have the courtesy to give you a realistic time of when he would be home so you could plan around it.

The car keys issue also sounds

I think he needs to grow up and start acting like part of a family with responsibilities. Part of this is being more organised and communicating better to help family life run more smoothly. He is forcing you into a position where you are constantly picking up the slack for him and it will become tiresome and boring unless he steps up.

He was never going to go out for half an hour was he??

Don't be a martyr, waiting for him to mess you about, so that you can blame him for your unhappiness. (Just make dinner for you and DD. DH can come back at his convenience and sort his own food.)
The bigger picture you paint is of an unpleasant relationship - on both sides. You need to actively make changes to your own life to make it what you want. Speak to DH when you are both calm and sober. Don't just live your life letting him annoy you, so you can feel hard done by.