my husband is being a dick

[TotHappy]

I've posted about my husband before. We're not really very compatible and have had a rocky 10 years of marriage, bit love things about each other as well and wanted to make it work. So we had lots of ups and downs.
I feel like I'm nearing the end of my tether now and as close as I've ever been to asking him to leave - the trouble is, i cant understand how he thinks he's eight and he can't understand how i think I'm right. Meaningful discussion is very difficult because we're both utterly frustrated and pissed off with the other so not really listening. Some perspective would be useful as he definitely thinks IABU.

The issue is he thinks I am controlling and I think he is disrespectful. This manifests in lots of ways but one example is the row that blew up yesterday. He had planned to go out with a friend straight from work, said he'd only be half an hour then home. Yesterday morning i asked when he planned to be home and he said he'd prob stay about an hour then come home. I clarified so will you be home for tea? And he said yes.
After work he popped home first to change car for bike, me and dd were in the garden, it was literally 5 mins, he gave us both a kiss and i asked again when to expect him... He said an hour, but as he was cycling it'd be a bit longer so again I clarified 'about half 7 then? We'll have dinner for then' and he agreed.
When there was no sign of him at 7.45 i rang and asked if he was on his,way, he said no but he'd leave in 10 mins, is that alright? I said we're hungry and he said start without me, i said can't you cone now and he said no so i said fine, see you soon. I wasn't happy but i wasn't going to make a massively big deal it of it.
He came home at 8.30, so we'd finished tea, i was playing with dd before bed. He came in and put her to bed, i put the TV on, was on my phone. I was pissed off with him so didn't say much but didn't blank him, just didn't feel like a conversation. So he watched TV, we each made a few comments, etc. Late in the eve he asked if i was ok, i said yeah, I'm alright, he asked a couple more times so i said yeah, I'm a bit mis but I'm alright. He said is it because i spent Friday evening out with mate and I said it's not because you went out no, it's because you changed three times the time you were coming home and then didn't even,stick to the last agreed, it's,a very long time for me with dd by myself from 6.30am.
He followed,me outside for a smoke and was obviously fuming and in a nutshell saying that he went out, plans changed, so fucking what? He would never care if i did that', he would be happy for me, and what could have been a nice evening for us is ruined by me 'aggressing' him. I dont think i was aggressive at all, i was clearly pissed off with him and not in a mood for talking which i know seems passive aggressive but i didn't want to talk because he'd been drinking and i knew it would turn to a row. Which it instantly did. He created a row instead of just letting me leave it to simmer down and get my shit together. I said i feel disrespected because he's saying his time and convenience is more important than mine, if i dont like it - 'so the fuck what?'
I went to bed, took the car keys with me as he has a history of drink driving, he asked if i had them and i said yes, he said why, i said to stop you driving, he was enraged but said he wanted something from the car. I said id get it, he insisted, i said he could have them if he brought them back after he'd got it, he eventually agreed to this and did so after another long rant about how I'm belittling him, im controlling, i have no right to put him n that position.
I found a text this morning sent at 1am reiterating all that about me being controlling, belittling, ruining the eve. I'm sick to death of this shit.
AIBU?

I think that if I were the OP I would have left DH's meal on the side for him to reheat when he came back and not tried to have tied him down for a set meal time. However maybe there was an underlying reason for wanting him back for the meal..ie. to stop him drinking more and coming back drunk and bad tempered. If he had a history of drinking too much I would not want him to go out all evening drinking with friends. You do not say how old DD is. If a very young child I can relate to the feeling of being desperate to have a break after a long time looking after them. Given that DH came back to change and take his bike anyway maybe he could have had supper at home first put DD to bed and then gone out.

The drink driving is the thing that would concern me. I think that needs to be addressed before anything else irrespective of whether you stay together or not.

If he rocked in at 3am ... BUT he was home at 8.30pm. You made him feel guilty with the silent treatment and followed up with treating him like a wayward teen by hding keys.

In future just don't cook for him if it annoys you that much.

When I read your first post I did think it was a bit much you asking him so many times what time he'd be home. I probably would have asked, "Will you be in for dinner with us or should we eat without you?". If he had said yes he would be in for dinner, I'd have rang/text when you and dd were hungry if he hadn't shown up to find out if he was nearly home or if his plans had changed. And then we'd have eaten without him and it wouldn't have been a big deal to me. But my dh rarely goes out whereas I get this impression that for you this is a more regular occurrence?

The drink driving thing is an issue on it's own and that would concern me a lot. And if he is going out all the time and you're left at home looking after your child with no adult company I understand why you'd be so pissed off about it. I personally wouldn't be happy with that at all.

I think merryoldgoat summed it up for me.
The relationship sounds strained and and like neither of you are getting anything from it.

I do agree with you about the time thing. It's not controlling to think when someone gives you x time to come home you'd expect them at that time. To the uber cool wives people who are clearly nonplussed by their partners giving them the run around with times, what if you were meeting for dinner at 7pm, and then by 7.30pm they said oh, my plans changed I'll be about 8pm? That's not ok so not sure why OPs DP is right tbh, just because OP was in their home? They had still agreed to eat a meal together and she had gone to the effort of cooking for him for a certain time as that is the time they had agreed.

Sorry but WTF.

OP said 'do you want dinner'. He could have said 'don't worry about me, not sure what time I'll be back so I can sort something when I get in'. Instead he has first said he will be back for dinner, then changed time of dinner, then said he will be late. Utterly rude. She is not his personal chef.

I'd be really pissed off if my OH did that to me just for a night out. If he had just said in the first place he wasn't sure when he'd be back it would not be an issue. It's the saying you will be back then just not turning up. Also if I am cooking for potential reheating I will make different things than if I am cooking knowing it needs eating NOW or it won't be as nice.

It isn't about not trusting him or anything, it's about him thinking he can swan in and out, use all joint resources as the most important person and treat OP like domestic staff.

Had this conversation with DH yesterday..

Me: "I'm going oyt straight from work next Friday."

DH: "What time will you be home?"

Me: "Dunno. Shall I get something in for your and DD's dinner that night or do you want to have a takeaway?"

End of...

In this situation you sound controlling and passive aggressive.

If my DH was in such a mood that he blanked me and needed to simmer down and get his shit together because I was late home for tea I would be very pissed off.

I've never had a coming home time since I was a teenager and I've been married more than 30 years.

What could your DH have done to make you happy yesterday? What could you have done to make your self happier yesterday?

In this instance it sounds as though you created the row and he may be as sick of this shit as you are. However as you've already said that you have stopped listening to each other. What is preventing you from leaving?

It sounds to me that neither of you are happy in the relationship. He loses his temper and you are passive aggressive. If it's not working then it may be better to just call it quits.
I have to admit I would get annoyed at being made to pin point an exact time. My dh does an activity every week on a specific night. I know that night that he won't be home at normal time and that sometimes it overruns so me and dd have tea and he sorts himself out when he gets home. It saves a lot of stress and discussion.

He was inconsiderate but you did create the argument.

If he came home at 1:00 am with no contact I would be more sympathetic.

How is it that we forget to be kind to the ones we love the most?

I would say your emotional needs are not being met in the relationship and as a result the pair of you have developed a dysfunctional way of communicating in which, yes, you do come across as controlling - but mainly because your DH is going out of his way to dodge the issue in the room.

As PP has said in a healthy relationship the conversation would have gone:
Him: I'm meeting a friend after work
You: What time will you be in?
Him: Not sure, probably quite late, don't worry about getting me any dinner. Don't wait up for me, promise I'll be quiet when I get back.

You would have been perfectly happy as you wouldn't be stressing about dinner etc and also, your emotional needs from being a mum stressed out being on your own all day, were fully met by him on all other days of the week.

The last bit is crucial - it doesn't sound like he does this at all, he gets to choose when he goes out at short notice, you have developed a feeling of being taken for granted and alone, you don't feel supported.

So when he does go out, you now come across as controlling - you ask him a load of questions about when he's coming back, he probably lies thinking it will make you happy to say 30 minutes when actually it just makes it worse as then the time keeps changing as it was never going to be 30 minutes, you ask even more questions, he feels even more controlled and the whole thing ends in either a row, sulking or both.

What do each of you do each day to make each other happy?

All I can say about this situation is yes, you are right, you are incompatible.

From either side of that situation I can’t see a problem. Irritation that he’s later than dinner - ok. But he’s totally ok with you eating without him and I’m not sure why you see to have so much angst about being with your daughter for an extra couple of hours? Go out on your own or with a friend another time so you’ve got some time out too.

I get where you’re coming from too.
It’s not that he’s out later, it’s just that you were expecting him to be home and have dinner. If he’d let you know, then you wouldn’t have had that expectation and you’d have managed your time differently.
Explain that to him.

It sounds like you both just need to communicate better. Was he a bit ‘worried’ about telling you he’d be late as he’d been out the night before?

You need to get on with your stuff regardless of his plans changing. As long as he’s fine with you going out late and he pulls his weight too, I think it’s ok to let it go from time to time.
People should be allowed to change plans, within reason, without having to be worried about their partners attitude.

It would be good if you could both talk about your expectations from each other and have more kindness and warmth in your relationship.

If the issue is you wanting a break too why didn't you go out at half 8 when he got home? Or go out tonight?
I wouldn't stay with anyone who kept asking me what time I'd be home. I'd find it really off putting and parent-like.
I wouldn't have an issue with it at all but I am a lone parent (although I have a boyfriend whom I see once a week).

Thanks for all the replies. Beeb reading them very stop start on between caring for dd. He's still furious with me today and that's making things difficult too. I can see a lot of you think i am controlling and unreasonable. It's true to say that this is an accumulation of lots of things and me generally feeling disregarded. The thing is i would like to be able to sit down and have a talk with emotions on the back burner about what we both want, because our expectations are so different and,yet i want us to have a life together that's amicable. I feel like when i try to talk about what i want he instantly shuts it down with 'You want to control me'. I dont know how to approach this.

Mmmm. Some people seem to use the word “controlling” far too easily. I see nothing wrong with keeping your partner informed of comings and goings. When one person likes to do whatever he/she wants and the other gets annoyed/upset because it puts them out, they are called “controlling”. I think if you have a set up where the woman cooks evening meal, looks after children, the man is f/t worker then you need to know when he’s back /if he’s eating. If plans change then nothing controlling about expecting a call “sorry, I won’t be back to eat, staying out later”. The OP just wanted to know when to cook the meal for, and presumably if he would be back to put DD to bed. Seems quite R to me. What I have done in this situation is to cook enough for 2, say when I will eat, and assume he won’t be back. Otherwise it DOES become a niggling thing.

Does he understand what being a part of a family means? That he has commitments and responsibilities?
He can’t not live as a single man because he isn’t one. Thats not being controlled.

You’re meant to be a team. You shouldn’t be feeling diregarded.

Someone posted on another thread that when they see 'controlling', they now see it as another word for 'nagging'.

It does sounds like you have a generally flaky partner (drink driving - WTF) who doesn't like being asked to do things.

In the 70s and 80s, the male get-out-of-jail-free card was to accuse their partner of nagging, as we all understood there was nothing worse than a nagging wife.

Times have moved on, nagging is seen as a gendered insult only applied to women, and the women nagging generally had good cause as their husbands did nowt round the house.

But the unengaged man still needs some way to articulate his pain in being asked to engage in family life - and 'controlling' - seems to be it. It's a much better word too, as everyone knows been controlling is awful and you can accuse both men and women of it so it's not sexist

Either he engages with you, by opening up to conversation or through marriage counselling, or you call it a day.

I meant he can’t live as a single man because he isn’t one.

I think things could improve with counselling. You both need a safe space to talk. As it stands you sound incompatible and although I’d say you are being passive aggressive and controlling I do think this comes as a result of being treated the way he is treating you. You are both unreasonable. If you love each other, counselling can work.

Have you or would he consider counselling with a mediator? In a relationship where communication has broken down any attempt at talking can feel like one person talking at another. If one of them feels criticised or controlled they will go straight on the defensive straight away and that is never going to have a good outcome.

An objective person can sometimes find some common ground to start the communication. Once resentment starts building in a relationship it becomes very destructive.

You both think you are right but neither of you has to be right, accepting the others needs and wishes doesn't mean you have to do all that they want but to move forward you need to reach a compromise.

Controlling - well children and family life require a certain amount of things in their environment to be controlled, the OP is the one taking the brunt of that responsibility "wife work" as it were, so yes she is being 'controlling' - it's called being a responsible parent as opposed to the DH who seems to think that he should be able to do as he will and that the world will accommodate him... A paid child minder would not be expected to put up with that level of discourteous crap - so why should OP?
Fwiw OP I don't think you were in the wrong - as for 'passive aggressive' you were attempting to hold your temper - would pp prefer she just screamed and shouted at him?

He followed,me outside for a smoke and was obviously fuming and in a nutshell saying that he went out, plans changed, so fucking what? He would never care if i did that', he would be happy for me, and what could have been a nice evening for us is ruined by me 'aggressing' him.
That's guilt talking. He knows he did wrong, but decided to convince himself that it was somehow your fault. My ex was fabulous at diverting everything so that in the end, whatever the issue, it was always my fault.

I get you OP. It's not the going out, it's not even being late, it's the unreliability. I too get very annoyed by it. What's the point of saying something if you don't stick to it? Don't build expectations and you don't get disappointment.

Op I have just read some of your previous threads.

There is one issue here. It’s the drink driving. You say that you used to do it on the past too, and I think that has somewhat desensitised you to how horrific it is.

Forget everything else. The issue is him drink driving.

You were both unreasonable. He's not a child, and should be able to go out and meet friends after a hard day at work without being given a grilling (in the same way, you should also be able to have time with friends while he looks after the kids).

However, he should have told you that he wasn't sure when he'd be home, and told you not to bother waiting for him for dinner.
You both sound selfish.

If he has a history of drink driving that suggests he is a selfish asshole who puts his needs above others and/ or has a history of drinking too much and making poor decisions.