Straight talking people are just rude?

[triggeredhappy]

I know a few people who pride themselves for being direct or "straight talkers", they like to "tell it how it is", but many of them are not well liked. Obviously, they say they don't care about that. I think they can be quite rude and abrupt.
One colleague gets lots of complaints because of the way she speaks to people. But to be fair she is quite good at her job in the way that she gets what she wants, but people do the work begrudgingly. She has since left and there is talk of her coming back to do a maternity cover, everyone is terrified!
Personally, I'm only direct when I need to be, most of the time, I think diplomacy is more effective in the long run when working with people? Or do I risk being a bit of a doormat? People don't drop everything to do what I want but I think I have a better relationship with people?
What do others think?

Any thoughts on whether perhaps they are Aspergers?

@Jon66 ooh it took three whole pages before the “oh they’re being a dick, maybe they’re autistic” post

OP I wouldn’t class the examples you’ve given as straight talking, I’d class them as flat out rude.

I’m a straight talker, I never make personal comments or be blunt when it’s not needed or asked for. I do however, not take any bullshit from anyone. Making personal comments or being overly blunt is just nasty.

And I’m autistic, so just to let people know we’re not all the dicks MN seems to think we are.

I'm no expert, so someone correct me if I'm wrong. I've personally never known a person with Asperger's to describe themselves as 'straight talking', before or after diagnosis. They don't really think much about the concept. If someone described themselves as a straight talker, I would take that as a strong sign that they probably don't have Asperger's.

But as I said, I am definitely no expert, so I'm keen to hear from anyone who knows more about it.

Well there you go, I cross posted with someone with autism who does describe themselves as a straight talker :D But who also makes a point of not being rude or giving such 'straight talk' unsolicited.

See my above post although describe myself as autistic, not an Aspie (personal choice I guess rather than any reason)

I find I can cope more easily with people who are straight talkers because there aren’t nuances or things to decipher, interpret or work out. But then I think my definition of straight talking is very different to OPs. And I can’t speak for everyone with Aspergers or autism.

Just to clarify...when I said 'they don't think much about the concept', I was talking about the people with Asperger's whom I know. None of them would give the idea much thought. That obviously doesn't mean no person with Asperger's would, just explaining where my (potentially very misguided) worldview comes from.

@PoorYorick xpost! Yes absolutely, to me straight talking is just that. The examples on this thread are rude, nasty and in some cases deliberately cruel. Which is awful.

I find I can cope more easily with people who are straight talkers because there aren’t nuances or things to decipher, interpret or work out.

Yes, that's very interesting. A good friend's sister has Asperger's and I have learned to be more direct with her than I might be with other people because she wouldn't pick up on the nuances otherwise. So while to my friend I might say, "I prefer the red dress", to her sister I'd say, "The blue dress doesn't suit you, the red one looks much better." Which isn't rude (I think!), but less room for misinterpretation.

I think the solicitation of the comment is important. You could expect your boss, in a 121, to be direct with you if there are problems with your performance (one would hope they wouldn't be rude or dickish about it though, and try to exercise some diplomacy). But if you just walk into a room and someone takes it upon themselves to make a nasty remark about your clothes or hair, then assuming you don't have one of those close, wind-up relationships, it's just horrid.

It definitely depends on the circumstances and I am very direct when the situation calls for it. When I was at work for example, in my line of work it was better to be direct when I needed something from another team or colleague. We were all direct with one another and it worked. Also, if someone asks me for my opinion, I will be truthful.

Where people sometimes cross the line from being direct into being aggressive or bullying, is when they pick on someone else and tell them all the things they don’t like about them, seemingly out of the blue. That isn’t direct, that is cruel.

Yes, that's very interesting. A good friend's sister has Asperger's and I have learned to be more direct with her than I might be with other people because she wouldn't pick up on the nuances otherwise. So while to my friend I might say, "I prefer the red dress", to her sister I'd say, "The blue dress doesn't suit you, the red one looks much better." Which isn't rude (I think!), but less room for misinterpretation.

I wish more people spoke like that! Equivocal or ambiguous answers/questions/conversations are mentally exhausting for me and I find it really difficult to understand what people mean. Then I feel like a twat for asking.

My brother has Asperger's, though I don't know how typical he is. He always says what he believes to be true, but, because he has learned that some subjects are touchy, he takes great care to be tactful as well. He doesn't always manage it, but he tries his best. (Will not readily forget the time I was trying on some new piece of clothing to show our dm, jokingly asked 'Does my bum look big in this?' and heard a voice saying 'I'm terribly sorry, but yes, it does a bit.' Because if he hadn't have said anything I'd have gone out with my bum looking big, right?! )

So IME, Asperger's may lead to straight talking - but not to deliberate unkindness. That is just someone being an arse.

@Spudlet your brother sounds proper lovely.

Ah the people in my examples don't have autism that I know of.
Someone once described her as "she doesn't suffer fools" which is quite offensive to anyone she has ever dealt with!?

@SpringNowPlease2018 the friend didn't really give a reason, I was just talking about invitations and said, "I'll be sending them out soon, I hope you can make it!" She said "no thanks. But I don't think I'll come". Awkward.
No explanation but I thought we were good friends and clearly she didn't? It was more that, she didn't spare my feelings.

And to answer a PP - terrified she might come back might be a bit of a hyperbole but people don't want her back. Can't relax when she is around.

I agree that being direct and being rude are two different things and can sometimes be confused (not only by the people on the receiving end, but also by the people dishing it out). There can be a fine line. Talk to her the way she talks to you, she'll either appreciate it or be taken aback by it. If she complains, just tell her you talk the way she does. Maybe she's being rude without realising it and if you give her some of her own medicine, it might open her eyes to how others perceive her.

People who pride themselves on being straight talkers are usually rude. Same category as people who wear their hearts on their sleeves in my book. Annoying.

OP "I used to have a friend who I invited to my wedding, she just told me she didn't want to come! "

Sounds a bit like Phoebe Bouffay. "I wish I could but I don't want to."

Wasn't particularly winsome when Phoebe said it either.

Your colleague is not a straight talker, she’s just rude. Someone said upthread that with straight talkers you don’t have to guess what they mean but it seems to me like your colleague relies a lot on the idea that everyone sees the world she does.

• She assumes that people will agree that skin color is your colleagues most defining characteristic.

• She assumes that you don’t eat healthily at other times or that you don’t know your own metabolism.

• She assumes that she’s qualified to judge whether she’s better at your job than you are.

Those are all just opinions. Not facts.

I blame the rise of reality tv for popularity of people thinking 'telling it like it is' is a good character trait.
It's great on tv because it creates drama but in real life it's just rude. You can be direct without being rude and sometimes things just don't need to be said.

I like honest people, I don't like people who claim to just be brutally honest people who in reality are just rude twats, attempting to excuse their twattery as just telling it like it is.

My first experience with the latter was as a child, it was my much older cousin's girlfriend. She didn't like being told by an 11 year old that she wasn't brutally honest, she was just rude. My response to her excusing being rude to me one time too many and claiming I shouldn't be upset because she's just a brutally honest person. Fuck that.

Rude, and most of all - unnecessary. In few situation is is appropriate to be as blunt as what You've described! I work with someone similar, in hospitality who I've seen her talk to customers sometimes and I'm like wtf how embarrassing, because it's not outright rude but it's definitely an air of "I don't give a fuck what you think" and a lack of empathy or approachability is a horrible trait.

No straight talking people are not rude. They can choose to act rudely as can any other person,

As a manager in a workplace one of my first lessons learned was the importance of talking straight.... closely followed by the second lesson which was to get rid of straight talkers.

All of the people I've known who pride themselves on "telling like it is" just use it as an excuse to be nasty and expect no comeback because that's "just how they are". Horrible.

We have a young straight talking colleague in our office. To be honest I find her exhausting sometimes and woe betide anyone who is straight talking back to her- she can’t handle it at all. She announced her resignation last week and I cheered with delight internally.