Straight talking people are just rude?

[triggeredhappy]

I know a few people who pride themselves for being direct or "straight talkers", they like to "tell it how it is", but many of them are not well liked. Obviously, they say they don't care about that. I think they can be quite rude and abrupt.
One colleague gets lots of complaints because of the way she speaks to people. But to be fair she is quite good at her job in the way that she gets what she wants, but people do the work begrudgingly. She has since left and there is talk of her coming back to do a maternity cover, everyone is terrified!
Personally, I'm only direct when I need to be, most of the time, I think diplomacy is more effective in the long run when working with people? Or do I risk being a bit of a doormat? People don't drop everything to do what I want but I think I have a better relationship with people?
What do others think?

The rule of thumb in my experience is how they view themselves. If they pride themselves on being straight talkers they're almost always rude twats with no social skills who absolutely cannot take any straight talk back. OTOH I do know a lot of people who are able to be honest and straightforward while still bearing in mind the effect their words may be having, and tempering it with a bit of diplomacy and sensitivity. They tend to think of it more as 'people skills'.

Your colleague sounds awful.

I’m very direct. People know if they ask me a question I will answer it honestly.

I call a spade a spade as they say.

I’d never ever humiliate someone though by commenting upon their appearance.

I also wish everyone was as direct as me! I find is very reassuring when I meet astraugh talker! Bizarre

A straight talker **

I've found that the people who say they "tell it like it is" are usually just rude, and use it as an excuse to make bitchy comments. And as pp said they can't usually take anything critical back at all.

I'd imagine those who describe themselves as "straight talkers" are the same.

But I think actual straight talking could be a good thing - not commenting on everything that comes to mind, or being rude, but not puss footing around either.

Telling it like it is doesn’t have to include rude comments about appearance or what people eat.

Compare:

"This job you did is shamefully bad. Explain yourself."

"I'm disappointed with this job. I know you can do better than this, your standard is usually high. What happened?"

they like to "tell it how it is"

No

They like to tell it how THEY see it

That is NOT necessarily how it actually is

I also liked straight talking people - I find the whole guessing what someone really means is tiring. Just because someone is straight talking does not mean they are rude. There are of course people who are just rude but I think that's a different thing.

Those that announce, a la Big Brother contestants, “If I don’t like someone, I tell them” are twats.

They pretend it’s some sort of straight talking honesty thing but really they just want to be abusive bullies and can’t help themselves.

When did it become acceptable to go around telling people, unprovoked, you don’t like them? Never!

I think it can also be a cultural thing too - in some cultures talking straight is just how they are, much to the bewilderment of other cultures that employ a great deal more of diplomacy in their interaction with others.

I think there is a fine line between rude and straight-talking.

Straight-talking about a project or other functional issue is great. Cuts right through the waffle.

Straight-talking about someone's personal appearance, character, abilities or relationship is not so great.

Blunt people seem to assume that things said without malicious intent can never hurt anyone's feelings, and even if they do then it's not the straight-talker's fault. It's unpleasant to not even consider someone's potential reaction. Not everything needs to be said out loud.

she sounds rude

pointing out zits is just rude.

if someone says "I'm not sure when the report is due" and it's on the wall calendar, I do understand saying "er, look on the calendar?"

but you don't point out zits, tell someone they will get fat

the worst person I ever worked with described herself as direct, but actually she was shouty and swore a lot. I think I'm direct. If someone is waffling in a meeting, I want to say "more matter, with less art?" Obviously I don't, but I do say "Could you try to summarise please" in a crisp tone.

I think there's a world of difference, not a fine line.

There's being a straight talker who doesn't announce it to all and sundry. They are most usually not rude. Then there are those who proudly proclaim it to all. They are most likely obnoxious, rude and stubborn. They are the sort who would argue the toss over a used Kleenex, even more so if they know they're in the wrong.

People who pride themselves on 'telling it like it is' often have another word for others who do the same thing......rudeness.

I worked with a woman like that. She had no problem telling you she didn't like your dress, your hair, your car, the way you did XYZ. But if someone 'told it like it was' to her, she was straight into management in floods of tears about how 'mean' people were to her.

Very interesting. I think there is such a fine line between someone who really is assertive and someone who says things without considerations. My colleague is blunt with every aspect.
I used to have a friend who I invited to my wedding, she just told me she didn't want to come! She is another who "tell it straight " and we are no longer friends

I think straight talking, when it comes from a place of love and compassion, is fine.

I think we can all work out what place the straight talker is coming from.

I also think - as I said before - that anyone 'telling it like it IS' is NOT coming from a place of love/compassion

Straight talking is giving a direct and concise answer to a question, or stating facts. The latter really pisses off crap managers.

It is not offering unasked for opinions on appearance. If someone asks ' how does this look?' Then answer truthfully, but otherwise belt up. Babble about appearance is really tedious anywa y.

OP "I used to have a friend who I invited to my wedding, she just told me she didn't want to come! "

that's interesting. What was her reason? I'm seriously thinking of being honest about opting out of a party and saying "I just can't cope and won't enjoy it" - also 3 hour round trip, but if it's going to be taken that badly it's easier to lie.

sorry, that is a diversion from your colleague but I'm interested because it's a dilemma I have too. I no longer go to the really huge events - like 100 people at a wedding - because I will need about 2 days to recover from all the sensory overload.

Lying is really not always a bad thing. And given that every last one of us lies when it suits us, I'm not a fan of people who are rude under the guise of not wanting to lie.

If the wedding is of a close friend, someone you are supposed to care about, I'd say suck it up. Even if it takes a couple of days to recover, 48 hours of your life for someone you claim to love is not a big deal. If you're not that close to the person, just make something up. Say you've already got a commitment, or can't afford the travel, or something.

Either way, you're not going. So if the only difference in outcome is whether or not the bride has hurt feelings on her wedding day, just lie.

All these posters who find straight-talking colleagues so refreshing, would you be equally happy to have your own short-comings pointed out in public by, say, your neighbour's straight-talking teenager?

I think it is very naïve not to recognise that any speech act takes place in a whole setting of unspoken power-relationships, that it matters who says what to whom. That a piece of straight-talking which is part of e.g. an appraisal or an evaluation of a specific task by the person whose job it is to do so is very different from an uncalled-for piece of straight-talking from somebody outside of their remit.

Also that any negative straight-talking is going to be taken in the whole context of how that person usually speaks: are they equally ready when it comes to praising colleagues and admitting their own short-comings, or is straight-talking another way of saying "I'm too lazy to bother to point out your contributions, but always happy to point out your faults"?

@PoorYorick, interesting, thanks.

I might need to alter my idea of "close to" - (I'm talking about my introversion and mental health on another thread). I haven't seen this person for 2 years. I should just lie shouldn't I?

sorry for derail OP - as you were.

If it's going to make you actually unwell, and you're not close to her (I can't say whether not seeing her for two years means anything - I have some very dear friends I've not seen for ages because we have young families and live far away, but I still love them deeply), then by all means decline the invitation. But yes, just lie about it. Say you're away, or you have another commitment. You might even be able to get away with saying just, "I'm really sorry, I can't make it. Please have a wonderful day and I will send a gift."

But if you tell her, "I can't come to your wedding because it will make me mentally ill, it'll take me days to recover, I really hate those things"....well it may be true, but what's to be gained from it?

Just tell a white lie. Outcome's exactly the same except that she doesn't have hurt feelings or have to know that her wedding, to which she'd like you to come, would be a hell for you. As my grandmother would say, she doesn't need to know.

@PoorYorick - it's not a wedding, it's her birthday that she has each year at her home.

what's to be gained is I can't cope with going out so much anymore so people will know for future. We're talking about this in the pub so if you want to chat more do join us there

OP again sorry. Also to cory - all of that is different than "you have a zit" which is just rude, no one should say that to anyone at work or anywhere really!

Well that makes it easier still. Just say you're very sorry but you're not free, and send a gift and card.

You are right, these people are rude and insolent, not straight talking at all, they lack any intelligence to behave in a rational and diplomatic way.