To throw a BBQ today without the most basic and fundamental thing? (lighthearted)

[elfycat]

I've invited some friends and their children round.

I have:

Cleaned the BBQ, ordered charcoal, snipped bay leaves to add to the smoke.

Mowed the grass, blocked potential toddler escape routes, put tools away. Set up tables and chairs.

Filled the fridge with meat and salad. Roasted veg chopped, potato salad made.

Stocked up on condiments. Ketchup. mayo, relish, yellow mustard and those plastic cheese slices.

Have wine, beer, lager, mixers, non-alcoholic options. One drawer in freezer is filled with ice (and sorbet). I'm making Long Island Ice Tea, Woo Woo and Blue Lagoon cocktails in jugs. My drinks cabinet is... extensive.

But as I was washing up the BBQ tongs I realised that I am missing one vital part of the BBQ plan. Something so basic that it might all come to a grinding halt (even with all the booze). What is it?

You will need a man for one indispensable purpose, but he can be in electronic form, namely Dadrock. Impossible to stage a worthwhile BBQ without some of this key 20th century commodity.

I am very worried about the Long Island Iced Tea situation. Please do keep us updated #prayforsuffolkbbq

This has really made me laugh. My DH is useless in the kitchen but loves a BBQ. Would BBQ every bloody day. New Year's Day we had a BBQ. Bonfire night, Xmas eve. It's legendary. I might freak him out and tell him I'm doing one next weekend when he's away. I can see the twitching already

I wouldn't care if the meat AND BBQ were absent. That sounds fantastic. I want to come round yours to get rat-arsed.

But in all seriousness, OP, don't do it. It's too dangerous. Even if you could get a child of the male variety.

The alternative doesn't bear thinking about. But it will probably involve many ambulances, a bush fire and the national debt will go through the roof or something.

I'm pretty sure I heard every time a woman tries to cook meats outside an angel dies.

Clutching at straws here OP, but could you get your DP to direct you via Skype? I am worried about you.

A few days ago, my friend and I were barbecuing in her garden. Her neighbour popped round to see if we needed help as he was aware he DH was at work.

Don’t worry OP, the smell of the BBQ will send helpful men to offer their services!

You definitely don't need a man

When I was a teen, my dad would light the BBQ, start cooking and then get more and more drunk which meant I ended up taking over and cooking and serving the food.

Every time he would go on about how fantastic "his" BBQ and cooking was. Men

I haven't a clue how to bbq
because DH insisted on getting a fancy gas jobby, an old fashioned bbq and I would be fine. I would just cook in the kitchen and eat outside if it were me

BBQing without a male present is totally illegal. However, you may get away with it by having written permission from a menz, if you say it is a sort of social experiment?

Can I come along? I am well qualified to help being a single mum living in the southern hemisphere. In return for lighting and cooking, I'll accept a long Island tea...

I'm pretty sure I could grow a full beard damn you pcos by next weekend if you could postpone for a week?

Hand sanitizer gel is good for starting fires...

DH is away and I'm bbqing today. Maybe I should get 14 yr old ds to do it .

Found you a video man. Although he is far more safety conscious than your average man. Bucket of water indeed. Make sure the flammable liquid is somewhere safe with the lid on?!

realfood.tesco.com/videos-and-tips/how-to-start-a-charcoal-bbq.html

If you do use hand gel, it’s stronger than the stuff he is using, just use a bit.

#Thoughts and prayers for your iced tea.

I love how people are trying to help with genuine advice 😂.

I’m not sure if DH is actually a man at all because he seems to think I should do the BBQing 🤨.

WellThisIsShit OK, okay... Now I have your plan I feel I can go ahead with the BBQ. I'll try going it without the sausage down the groin, but if I hit any technical issues I can follow your instructions.

safariboot I have HP fruity. Does that count?

I only have DDs, though others of my friends have DSs. The eldest 'male' is 9 years old. He waver between being a fabulous-caller-of-999 in emergencies, to a complete idiot. I'll see what mood he's in today.

STILL NO LONG ISLAND ICED TEA

Sangria is ready though

ElfyCat - I've seen lady grip pens for sale on amazon (seriously go search if you haven't seen before, the reviews are hilarious) so perhaps there are lady BBQ's available to purchase in perhaps Argos for a quick purchase??

Ballpoint pens for her -
https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B004FTGJUW/ref=cmcrrarpmbbbdcrb_top?ie=UTF8

These saves my life, I have a proper job and everything now.

elfy, you cunning woman, you do realise that if you miss out the ‘sausage-down-the-groin’ bit of my plan, it’s essentially, drink shots?!

I feel I have to insist on the sausage bit, to make it a proper solution, but, it doesn’t have to be your groin, anyone else a good subject for the sausage?!

Say, someone who you like alot, but who has done you wrong years back, and you hold a grudge that you can’t possible admit to, and a sausage down the pants would pay back quite nicely?!

And of course you get the shots bit for yourself! Or for the bbq if you run out of hand sanitiser... but don’t get them mixed up as hand sanitiser would be sad to drink as you slosh the spirits into the coals!

The triple sec has arrived!

About to light the BBQ. You;ll probably hear about it on the news later, after I burn the town... or not if I fail to light it.

I am a bit . It's just started bucketing it down here and I am pondering putting the heating on.

Can you run out now and buy something like this to help you through?

Do wasn't about last year so I got the job 'how hard can it be?'
Well, it's not hard, it's just hot and boring and my guests were all having a lovely time at the other end of the garden whilst I ended up smelling of burnt stuff. Next time I'll just bung it all the oven...

OooOOOOoo MInaPaws

If I had that I might get away with more BBQs. Any man trying to interfere I can try to fool that there is a licence and I've passed the test.

The BBQ has smoke rising, I think that's a good sign.

((The 8 kids are driving us to drink, but that's no problemo))