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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think passport control need a re-think

85 replies

SchoolGateBeta · 19/04/2018 15:39

Over how they treat and speak to unmarried mothers going through passport control with their kids with the father's surname - without the dad. Can they not put both parent's full names on the child's passport?

I have a certain amount of unresolved issues over my name not being given to child and also to not being ever asked to marry. And to be lectured and questioned at passport control adds oil to that particular water, there was no respect given and it seemed acceptable to presume I'm people trafficing and I just had to take how they spoke to me as I thought they could detain me if I say 'please don't lecture me'. Ok I know now have to carry birth certificate when I travel to prove I'm not smuggling children which seems a risk of losing further important documents and upsets me that some common sense, a solution or more tact could be saught.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 19/04/2018 15:50

I'm married and use my own name. Same issue. Particularly as I was for years a different nationality to DD. Luckily she is my mini-me and I always carry a letter from DH.

But it is annoying. This is one of the reasons I cannot understand giving a child a fathers name before marriage.

FissionChips · 19/04/2018 15:54

It’s traditional and sensible for the child to have the mothers name if parents are not married, why didn’t you just do that?

drspouse · 19/04/2018 15:56

adds oil to that particular water

You may mean rubbing salt into the wound, as pouring oil on troubled waters is supposed to calm them.

I gave my DCs (who are adopted, so no chance of being recognised as related) my last name as their middle name. But I also always carry a letter from DH if travelling without him. I appreciate that might be hard if you are estranged from the DCs' father.

Nicknacky · 19/04/2018 15:58

I think you are so sensitive to the issue that them asking any sort of question has made you feel lectured to.

frankchickens · 19/04/2018 15:58

YANBU Everyone and everything about passport control needs a kick up the arse.

theCrossing · 19/04/2018 16:00

"adds oil to that particular water,"

Well that's good.

Original poster
SchoolGateBeta · 19/04/2018 16:03

Partly because I wasn't good at standing up for myself, I had labour trauma, was completely depleted and tired and just felt guilty by saying it means alot to me as I knew it meant alot to dp too. So I put my wants aside, there just wasn't space for that particular conversation, I agreed to what was expected. And years later I'm getting teary after walking away from passport control because I was too weak to stand up for myself - to dp that is.

OP posts:
metalmum15 · 19/04/2018 16:04

Maybe it just depends on who you get at passport control. Both my dds were scrutinised recently, and asked their full name and date of birth. This was as we checked in baggage, and also before we got on the plane. They have the same surname as dh and I, and we were both there. The only thing I can think of is that both girls passports are brand new, having been renewed on the same date last month. Or maybe they just look dodgy!

Original poster
SchoolGateBeta · 19/04/2018 16:10

Thanks to frankchickens! a. for not pointing out my mix up with terms. And b. for not assuming it's all down to my sensitivity. Yes, I'm sensitive but yes, they speke to me badly. Both can be true!

And surely some solutions could be thought about as parents shouldn't be lectured at passport control or they need to be clear about whether parents can travel with their kids if they have different surnames - or what they need to bring needs to be stated.

OP posts:
FissionChips · 19/04/2018 16:13

Gosh, that sounds a horrible time you had post birth then Flowers

A sibling of mine works in passport control, I can confirm they do be dickheads Grin

Original poster
SchoolGateBeta · 19/04/2018 16:13

Is it clear that I need to carry a birth certificate with me? Is this the law? I've never been told this by a company when booking flights. Or do I not need to. I think there needs to be clarity. I don't think that's unreasonable.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 19/04/2018 16:15

www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad birth certificate and letter of permission from anyone else with parental responsibility. It's not just about different surnames, it applies to anyone travelling alone with a child

drspouse · 19/04/2018 16:18

It's not just about different surnames, it applies to anyone travelling alone with a child

Actually that's true - now I come to think of it - my DF was taking my DN somewhere and stupidly said NO when passport control asked if he was her father (they DO share a surname).
They had to rebook their flight.

PeanutButterSquash · 19/04/2018 16:18

Its done at random..
My children all have my name, but ex wife never had an issue with passport control. I however have been questioned at passport control.
Its to ensure you're not kidnapping your child.

akkakk · 19/04/2018 16:18

both parents could have a right to take a child away, so either parent's name may not match...

look at it from the passport control perspective - there has been an increase in parents whisking children out of the country - in many countries, you need the other parent's permission if travelling on your own with your children, even if all names match... if Brown - adult turns up with 3 little Jones sproglets, then how is anyone to know that they are related...?

there is an option on British passports to add 'also known as' which is used for example with those who have dual nationality where the other nationality uses a different name (e.g. arabic / oriental / latin countries) - so arguably you could get a passport for each sproglet as xxx Jones also known as xxx Brown - might help

Igneococcus · 19/04/2018 16:21

I'm going to travel with only dd later this year for the first time and I'm going to take a birth certificate along, just in case. Until now we always travelled as a family when we travelled with the children.
In our case, the dc have their fathers last name but my nationality. Actually they have one of his nationalities too but that one requires a visa for travelling in Europe.

megletthesecond · 19/04/2018 16:21

Yanbu.
Same here school. XP wouldn't let the dc's have my surname or double barrel it. I was being screamed at a week post EMCS and in no state to stand my ground. Although I can't afford to take the dc's abroad so never needed to test passport control anyway.

squarecorners · 19/04/2018 16:24

My son went on holiday with my mum recently and she said she had no issues taking him out of the country but coming back was a nightmare! So that's not at all reassuring. I had to give her all sorts of paperwork, including full birth cert - I have no idea when the passport office has those details of both parents names and passport no's that the information can't just be recorded on a child's passport.

Notthecarwashagain · 19/04/2018 16:28

I've been a bit worried about this too. My passport is currently in my married name, and the same as DS'. When it runs out I'm going to have it renewed in my maiden name (divorced) meaning we'll have different surnames. Last year when I came back from Crete with DS he was asked if I was his mum- DS looked at me really closely, as if he'd never seen me before, before saying yes (sn) which might be a concern in the future!

Italwaysworksitselfout · 19/04/2018 16:30

We are going abroad for a family holiday in July and Ds is having to take every bit of paperwork for gs as they have different surnames. I have been told to take my marriage cert and birth cert so there can be a link back to me as my ds was formerly known as another surname at birth (his father's but was changed to mine). Its making me really nervous 😕

Original poster
SchoolGateBeta · 19/04/2018 16:45

Just to stress this was returning to the Uk not leaving it. And the woman at passport control wasn't asking if I had permission from the father but if I was the parent and how could I prove it. Obviously aside from genes as we look really similar. I would have minded less if she'd asked questions but she kept going on about me having a different surname.
I just think either make this known if it's a legal requirment. Do an ad campaign. Don't let parents leave the country without a birth cert. If this is genuinly out of protection then why upon re-entering? And if genuine why not detain me until they speak to dp? Ovbiously that would have been horrible but made sense. As it was just giving random lectures and questioning is a power trip - I believe.

OP posts:
Wintertime4 · 19/04/2018 16:46

It’s ridiculous. I have the same surname as my kids, however one is a different nationality. I take my step kids on flights often. My DP has a different surname. Neither of us have ever been asked.

However the fact that you have a different surname should never be a reason! Either they have one system for all, I.e. check anyone randomly. Or sort out consent with passports with a flag for risk cases. Silly system!

SaintEyning · 19/04/2018 16:51

I started out being annoyed and snippy with them but now I just take a photocopy of the BC in a plastic wallet and that has been fine. I have it ready at the desk when we come back to the UK and we buzz through. Easier to just swallow it than get a lecture and a leaflet about child trafficking every few months... DS is a ringer for me but we always get asked as we go to some odd places.

kikibo · 19/04/2018 17:00

Over the Channel it's not at all common for women to have the same name as their children. I'd look pretty surprised if they thought I was people smuggling.

Then again they thought I had a vastly outdated id card because it was issued abroad, so I wouldn't be surprised of their utter ignorance.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 19/04/2018 17:04

It's not just unmarried parents. My dd who kept her maiden name has to produce her dcs' birth certificates if travelling without her Dh. TBH she doesn't see it as a big deal.
Personally I'd rather they make these checks than make it relatively easy for a parent to abduct a child.