To be upset at family

[FedUpMumma]

NC as outing.

Last year my DH, DS and I went on holiday with my mum, stepdad, brother and dad. (My Mum and Dad are still good friends)

My mother and I had a petty argument about money towards the end of this holiday where she said some things that were so nasty and untrue that it damaged our relationship beyond repair and it's only since Christmas that we have been on speaking terms again.

Fast forward to now... my mother, stepdad, Dad and brother have gone on holiday again to the same place.

Aibu to feel really upset.
I would never have wanted to go on holiday with them again but It feels like they're having fun as their happy little family and I am being punished when I was the one who was hurt and did nothing wrong!

Well if you didn't want to go with them anyway, I can't see a problem? Tbh if I was your mum, I would probably realise that you wouldn't want to go after what happened last time.

Can you say what the argument was about?

Yeah, I think you’re being silly.

If your mum organised it then it’s up to her who she asks. And if you wouldn’t have gone anyway, it’s not a punishment!

Maybe they thought it was easier to go without you especially if the money argument was about holiday money?

The argument was because DH and I scrimped and saved and took plenty of money on holiday so we ate out every night and bought our DS some clothes that weren't very cheap.

She thought we should be sharing our money and saw us as a cash cow because we took a lot of money but didn't realise how long we saved for! (we had offered various things which were turned down)

My mum and stepdad were abroad for 4.5 months whilst we only went for the week, it's not our responsibility to fund them when they had spent too much.

I know it's up to my mother who she goes on holiday with but when she goes with ALL my family and doesn't even mention it to me until a couple of days before they are going, it feels a bit shit.

I understand the OP, it’s family and we’re conditioned. I used to feel rotten when my (very mean) mother would see my sister even though I didn’t want to see her! I think it’s something to do with mourning the relationship that should have been rather than the one we have.

Be kind to yourself OP. You wouldn’t have gone anyway and your brother (unmarried? no partner) won’t be going on holiday with them forever.

It was probably arranged while you weren’t even on speaking terms though?

Tbh I would be a bit miffed if someone I went away with created such an inequality as it makes it uncomfy for all. I think on the whole on a group holiday spends wise it has to be aimed towards those with the least available money as much as possible.

I really don't think you are being unreasonable I am sure you would not have gone but it is your close family and it would have been nice to have been asked. You only had the fall out with your mum so a bit mean of the others to leave you out

I would never have wanted to go on holiday with them again but It feels like they're having fun as their happy little family and I am being punished when I was the one who was hurt and did nothing wrong!

So basically you don't want to go but you don't want them to go either? Thats a little childish.

Supercali - yes that sounds about right.

Sirzy - I would have agreed with that if we had all just gone for one week but we were looking forward to a much needed break from very stressful jobs and didn't want to be cooking in the apartment and eating in.
My mother was there for 4.5 months so had plenty of time to enjoy meals out. (They spent a lot quite quickly and found themselves having to reign it in halfway through)

I think that’s a bit shitty of them actually and I’d feel hurt too. Would it have killed them to vary things this year in the spirit of not rubbing salt in wounds?

YANBU OP.

But did you make it clear to them that was your plan before you went?

Why aren't you upset with your dad too.... he's going again!?

Sirzy by your logic thought everyone should have just gone for a week, as the OP couldn’t have afforded to go for longer. So the inequality was already there.

RunMummy - oh believe me I am upset at my dad, especially as he hid it from me.
That relationship is not good either.

Hang on, so your family was in an apartment for 4.5 months - I'm going to guess that it was a warmer part of Europe than here, maybe Spain or Greece (i.e. inexpensive restaurant culture). You turned up for a week, and every night you went out (I'm inferring here) without your family, just with your kids, for dinner? And you don't think that's rude? For how many of these meals did you host your parents (I wouldn't expect you to pay for brother/SB)? Were people invited along and declined every single night for a week?

Did you pay for separate accomadation?

astounded - we ate in for 2 nights as they wanted.
One night was my mums birthday which we had a big meal out.
2 other nights we all ate out.
There was only 2 other days that we went out on our own for a meal but they expected us to stay in with them.

Did they pay for the holiday? Maybe they expected a few dinners out as a thank you?

RunMummy - yes we had our own apartment, as did my dad.
My brother stayed with my mother in her apartment.
They were all in the same complex so only a couple of minutes walk apart.

She thought we should be sharing our money and saw us as a cash cow

If this is really true she sounds dreadful.

Though I agree with Sirzy to an extent that if you are on holiday together its not quite in the spirit of it if one group are out for posh meals and the others are in eating toast.

I would never have wanted to go on holiday with them again

So what's the problem? Are they not ever allowed to go on holiday again?

There was only 2 other days that we went out on our own for a meal but they expected us to stay in with them. That's not so bad at all then - they are being v unreasonable, and I'm not surprised you're hurt. It's not rational to be upset that they didn't invite you when you wouldn't go in a million years, but it's completely normal, if you see what I mean!