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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nursery not giving messages/letters to DD’s Dad.

52 replies

Emboo19 · 18/04/2018 20:26

Me and DD’s Dad aren’t together but we get on (mostly) and there’s never been any issues involving nursery. Until recently he wasn’t really collecting often, but they know him and he does pay half the fees.

Recently he’s started collecting DD from nursery a few nights a week, sometimes takes her and this week so far he’s taken and collected every day, as I’ve been really busy and he’s been helping me out.
Sorry if I’m rambling but trying to give all info so as not to drip feed.

So today nursery phoned me as they’d not seen me this week and wanted to pass on some information and let me know they had a lot of letters waiting for me to take home. I didn’t really think at the time as I was in the middle of something, but I text DD’s Dad and asked him to remember to pick up the letters when he collected DD.
He brought DD home and I asked about the letters and if they’d mentioned what they’d spoke to me about (moving rooms). He said he asked about the letters but they said they have to be given to me, didn’t mention her moving room at all. And now having spoken to him, this seems to be the case with everything. He’s never been given a letter, newsletter or any information other than she’s had a good day etc. They’ve never even sent any pictures home with him.

He’s on all the paperwork and he’s on DDs birth certificate which they saw when she started. He’s saying not to say anything about it but I really don’t think it’s on. So AIBU to say something to them or is it his issue and should I leave him to it.

OP posts:
AliTheMinx · 18/04/2018 20:28

I would definitely say something. That's really poor of them and you should be treated equally as parents.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 18/04/2018 20:29

Just to add, I’m generally very happy with the nursery and pleased with his DD is getting on there. But they have a whole policy on involving dads, do trips and stuff. But then don’t seem to involve him in the day to day or think he can make any decision regarding his DD.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emboo19 · 18/04/2018 20:30

How not his!

OP posts:
Original poster
Emboo19 · 18/04/2018 20:35

It is isn’t it Ali. I’m presuming it’s because we’re separated, they are so good with everything else though that I’m wondering if they got crossed wires or something in regards to his involvement in DDs life or if I’ve given the impression not to pass things on to him. I’m sure I haven’t though.

OP posts:
eurochick · 18/04/2018 20:38

Did you sign some long forgotten form about communication preferences?

TrudeauGirl · 18/04/2018 20:40

I would say something, that seems very unfair of them. As like you said hes very involved and they know who he is.

Tell them you're happy for the information to be passed on to him. (Even though you shouldn't have to tell them that in the first place)

Hope they listen Smile

TeenTimesTwo · 18/04/2018 20:42

I would think that maybe they have a policy of letters going to the primary carer in the case of separated parents, to ensure that the primary carer receives all information.

If you don't want/need this then you can probably ask them to give stuff to whichever of you collects (but then don't complain if you don't get all the info).

SunshineAfterRain · 18/04/2018 20:50

My ex and I have a child. He has minor involvent in her life.
They made me aware when I was registering her for school that he would be able to contact the school at any point to ask for an update in his dds learning etc as this is his right.-not that I objected.
He is her father and has as much right as I do to know our daughters progress.
I would have a chat with them and clarify things.
Very strange from a nursery.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 18/04/2018 20:51

I don’t think so eurochick but don’t want to go in saying something if I’m not 100% sure. He came to do paperwork though and it’s him who’s got the payments set up, my half gets paid by uni, he pays the other half. He’s got a log in for the online journal we can see what she’s been doing on. His name is on all the forms. I even get the termly bill/summary thing though which is odd as if the direct debit needs adjusting its him who’d have to do it.

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Original poster
Emboo19 · 18/04/2018 20:53

My mum worked in children’s centres and she said the same Sunshine. They are generally very good and professional though so I’m honestly quite shocked.

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Original poster
Emboo19 · 18/04/2018 20:56

Really not sure how to broach it if I do though Confused. I wonder if it’s better him going in and saying, can you please make sure I get the same letters etc as Emboo.

OP posts:
NailsNeedDoing · 18/04/2018 20:59

Don't be harsh on the nursery, a primary parent could just as easily complain if important information was given to the non resident parent if it wasn't passed on. They called you, so it sounds like they're being attentive and just trying to make sure you, as the main carer, have the information you need.

Ideally though, they should be producing letters or emails twice and sending it to both parents separately in cases where parents are separated. I had to persuade our pre school not to waste paper and print things twice for us as I got on well with my ex and always told him everything he needed to know, but the nursery staff aren't mind readers so can't be expected to know parents preferences on things like this unless they are specifically asked.

Mightymucks · 18/04/2018 21:19

I think it might be an issue with data protection if you haven’t given explicit permission for him to take the letters.

For example there might be things on there like your address or the name of the bank you use which they can’t hand over without written permission.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 18/04/2018 21:24

I think I’d think that Nails if it hadn’t been three days of him taking and collecting and no real information being passed to him. They phoned as they want dd to move rooms early, but she’s apparently already been visiting they just hadn’t said anything to him when he’s picked up. I don’t know what the letters are yet, so don’t know if there’s something on them that needs addressing or not. He said her keyworker never speaks to him though, just a quick she’s been fine, she’s eaten and that’s it. Where as with me she chats away.

I won’t be harsh though, I’m just finding it very odd as they do such a lot about promoting dad’s involvement, this seems to be in the opposite direction to their ethos.

OP posts:
Charmatt · 18/04/2018 21:27

There should be no issues. He has parental responsibility and shares care so he has every right to be informed. Let them know that he needs to be treated equally to you. If they object, ask to see their separated parents policy - I'll bet they don't have one because it would say the opposite to their current practice!
You have acted as an example of how separated parents should- for the best interests of your child. The nursery should be doing so as well. If any of our nurseries did that in our organisation we would view it with concern.

cate16 · 18/04/2018 21:28

Yes I agree with mightymucks, with the new GDPR coming in it's becoming a bit of nightmare for nurseries and pre-schools at the moment.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 18/04/2018 21:28

I could understand if it’s something like that Mightymucks and I don’t know what they are yet. But to not tell him about her moving rooms of to ever pass on a newsletter etc. It seems a bit odd.

Maybe I have accidentally ticked something to say not to and they think they’re doing as I wish.

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Mightymucks · 18/04/2018 21:32

I’ve looked up the relevant section of the data protection act on Thomson Reuters and it gives the following advice, that education providers:

Should be mindful to protect the private data of each parent from any other and avoid inadvertent disclosure (particularly as some parents will have been, or may be risk of being, a victim of domestic violence.

So they are following good practice unless you have given them written permission to share your data with him. Link here:

uk.practicallaw.thomsonreuters.com/5-386-2098?transitionType=Default&contextData=(sc.Default)&firstPage=true&bhcp=1

Judging from that I imagine their policy is based on legal advice and they’re not going to change it.

Mightymucks · 18/04/2018 21:34

If it has your address at the top that still counts as data and they can’t share it. You’ll either need to give them written permission to pass your data on to him, or you will need to ask them to produce duplicates of all letters so one is for you and one is for him.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 18/04/2018 21:36

I know when we were setting up our online journal passwords etc, they couldn’t give me his. But they told me at collection that they had it, but unfortunately couldn’t give it to me and I told him to call in for it. So I do get that, but I’m almost 100% sure one letter will be the termly newsletter and they can’t be any reson not to give him that, I’m guessing one might be about dd moving rooms and again no reson he can’t be given that. If there’s other confidential things I’d expect them to say to him, can you ask emboo to call in we need to give her something, like they did with me for him.

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Original poster
Emboo19 · 18/04/2018 21:39

The newsletters don’t have any personal information on, the same one goes out to all parents no name or address on.

I’d think they would Charmatt it’s a local authority nursery (not school based).

OP posts:
Mightymucks · 18/04/2018 21:49

I’m almost 100% sure one letter will be the termly newsletter and they can’t be any reson not to give him that

The thing is though, if the letters are being handed over by nursery assistants, they’re not going to know the ins and outs of the data protection act and which letters they can give and which they can’t. So the sensible thing would be to say in the case of separated parents, the data is only given to the specific addressee.

I can completely understand why they do this. There are some people it could genuinely put at risk and other people who are just totally anal about how their data is shared.

If a separated parent has complained to the Information Commissioners Office about them doing this before they’re just not going to change it.

It might be a pain in the bum for you, but they’re not going to change it and risk sanction.

Just write them a letter giving them permission to share all your data with him. Although if there are bits you want withheld I doubt they will agree to do it ad hoc.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 18/04/2018 21:59

But then shouldn’t they be giving him newsletters Mightymucks? He’s does actually pay her nursery place. And I still don’t see why he’s not being told about things when he collects her. They’ve asked me if I’m ok with her moving rooms early, but not him. And yes I’ve discussed it with him but I might not have done and if I hadn’t he wouldn’t even know, he could be going to collect her from the wrong room.

OP posts:
Thingsthatgo · 18/04/2018 22:07

When I filled in the forms for dd’s nursery they asked which parent/career was to be the main point of contact. I put me, and although I am married to Dd’s Father, the nursery ensure that all letters, updates etc come to me. I think it’s pretty sensible because dh would lose them
They will always, however, give him a brief sentence or two about how her day has been if he is collecting.

Mightymucks · 18/04/2018 22:15

But then shouldn’t they be giving him newsletters Mightymucks?

Yes. That is probably an oversight just having one of you on the list, or maybe they just give them to the RP because complaints about not receiving them from the NRP? If he requests to be added to the list I can’t see any reason why they should object. But letters with your name on them will only go to you.

I think part of the issue as well is that they wouldn’t be able to cope with ad hoc requests for different parents. For example Mrs A might object to photos being shared, Mrs B might object to her address being shared and Mrs C might insist her address and phone no are not shared but photos are okay. It would be a huge admin headache to do that and it would inevitably lead to cock ups.

But I can’t see why asking for a copy of the newsletter for him would be a problem.

It’s also worth considering that if they have these blanket policies it’s possible that there are children there who have specific safeguarding issues and a general ‘don’t give information to anyone but the mother’ avoids someone forgetting or being unaware and handing it over to the wrong person and putting people in danger.