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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nursery not giving messages/letters to DD’s Dad.

52 replies

Emboo19 · 18/04/2018 20:26

Me and DD’s Dad aren’t together but we get on (mostly) and there’s never been any issues involving nursery. Until recently he wasn’t really collecting often, but they know him and he does pay half the fees.

Recently he’s started collecting DD from nursery a few nights a week, sometimes takes her and this week so far he’s taken and collected every day, as I’ve been really busy and he’s been helping me out.
Sorry if I’m rambling but trying to give all info so as not to drip feed.

So today nursery phoned me as they’d not seen me this week and wanted to pass on some information and let me know they had a lot of letters waiting for me to take home. I didn’t really think at the time as I was in the middle of something, but I text DD’s Dad and asked him to remember to pick up the letters when he collected DD.
He brought DD home and I asked about the letters and if they’d mentioned what they’d spoke to me about (moving rooms). He said he asked about the letters but they said they have to be given to me, didn’t mention her moving room at all. And now having spoken to him, this seems to be the case with everything. He’s never been given a letter, newsletter or any information other than she’s had a good day etc. They’ve never even sent any pictures home with him.

He’s on all the paperwork and he’s on DDs birth certificate which they saw when she started. He’s saying not to say anything about it but I really don’t think it’s on. So AIBU to say something to them or is it his issue and should I leave him to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emboo19 · 19/04/2018 09:29

I dropped off this morning and was given the letters, nothing with my name and address on. Newsletter, welcome to next room letter, training dates for this term and the payment letter (which he pays). DD’s keyworker was on a late do I just said to the other staff member that I was ok with her dad being given letters/messages etc. She said “oh ok, I’ll let Jane know” (Jane DD’s keyworker not her real name).

I said we’ll both pick up today so might have a chat then if we can.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emboo19 · 19/04/2018 09:30

I’m really worrying now I’ve said or ticked something that makes them think they can’t though. She seemed a bit shocked this morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emboo19 · 19/04/2018 19:00

Well, rather odd and I’m not sure what I think about it really. Spoke to DD’s keyworker at pick up time and just said DDs Dad will be coming more often now and so it’s absolutely fine to give him any letters and information she’d usually give me. She was a bit rude really, firstly asked if we’re back together as he’s been collecting and bringing DD and apparently DD (18 months) says ‘daddy sleeps at her house’ she said this kinda laughing and it was all a bit odd. Then said, she usually gives letters to mums as dads often lose them and then parents complain they don’t know what’s going on and in regards to her changing rooms she said, she didn’t think he’d be bothered but the manager had said to talk to me as I might be fussy (actually using the word fussy).

I love the nursery and have had no issue with her keyworker at all until now, she’s generally very lovely and dd likes her. But I
was really Shock and didn’t really say much back to her.
Ex is very much, just leave it and don’t say anything else. But I’m tempted to speak to the manager as I just don’t think she was professional at all.

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 19/04/2018 19:33

Yes, speak to the manager!

cansu · 19/04/2018 19:44

The nursery have no way of knowing whether you make decisions together or whether you normally have an acrimonious relationship. If they give him letters and messages when he does not normally do picks ups and then he does not pass this on you would no doubt be complaining about this.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 19/04/2018 20:22

But if we didn’t get on and neither of us pass info to the other, surely as her father he still has a right to know what’s going on. So they should still tell him, even if that means telling us both separately. That’s actually my biggest issue cansu he’s her father and he’s not been treated the same as me her mother.
Maybe I’m overthinking because it’s been a issue for us and he’s really stepped up and is actually parenting and I think this feels like he’s not seen to be as important as me.

OP posts:
cansu · 19/04/2018 20:30

If you are the primary carer and do most of the pick up and drop offs then they will give info to you, at least the day to day stuff. You say yourself that it is only very recently that he has been picking up regularly to help out. Most schools contact the resident parent with day to day stuff and will post or email newsletters, parents evening letters etc to the non resident parent on request. Just ask if they can do this so he is in the loop or update him yourself.

MollyDaydream · 19/04/2018 20:34

Definitely go and speak to the manager.

sunnyjune · 19/04/2018 23:24

Just read through your thread and you definitely need to have a chat with the manager.
Explain (politely) what you mentioned to the key worker that it's absolutely fine for letters etc to go home with dad as he is just as much a part of DD's life as you are, bla bla.

And just mention that you thought her responses were a little off. Not giving letters to dads because they usually lose them is obviously a massive generalisation to make!

I'd definitely raise it though just make sure you're polite about it and see what the manager says. They will appreciate the feedback and it makes things easier for you at home

Slievenamon · 19/04/2018 23:41

They’ve asked me if I’m ok with her moving rooms early, but not him. And yes I’ve discussed it with him but I might not have done and if I hadn’t he wouldn’t even know, he could be going to collect her from the wrong room

so you expect them to have the same conversations twice? And what if you give two different answers?

umpireStrikesBack · 20/04/2018 04:15

You should speak to them OP.

It's everyday misandry.

Graphista · 20/04/2018 04:33

That is appalling. Sexism against men doesn't help anybody. He has parental responsibility, and acts responsibly by the sound of things, he pays half the fees it really wouldn't be hard for them to give you BOTH all relevant info and paperwork.

I'm sure a suitably knowledgeable mner will correct me if I'm wrong but I think legally that would all apply even IF you didn't get along. Because that's his child too.

Totally unacceptable actions and attitude.

Definitely speak to manager. Request that he receive all the same info you do, and honestly in your position I'd be asking why they think that's acceptable policy/attitude.

In addition - wtf business is it of a nursery worker if you get back with him or not? That question alone would have had me pointedly saying

"Excuse me? Did you really just ask that?!"

Sleephead1 · 20/04/2018 05:54

I think it might just be the case that they are trying to make sure you get all the information due to them having you as primary carer as sometimes separated parents wouldn't pass the info on. My friends ex works away so very ocasionaly picks child up he was given the information and then doesn't pass it on. He didn't tell my friend when the activity day was on he just went and didn't give her the opportunity to go as well. He also didn't give her the form for nativity play but was away when it was on so she managed to get the tickets. I think you could again that you are happy for any information to be given to him if he picks up.

insancerre · 20/04/2018 06:25

Graphista
Information like that is hugely important for childcarers to know. From a safeguarding point of view, it's important to know who lives with children in their houses, or even which house the child lives in.
Also, it really does help with getting to know the child and their family if the sort of relationship is developed where these sorts of things can comfortably be discussed

Graphista · 20/04/2018 06:57

Insancerre I know that argument and mostly agree BUT it's still for the parents to decide IF they wish to tell the nursery and in this context it makes no sense. Because if they WERE back together why would op need to ensure dad was getting the info separate to her? No I think the nursery worker here was panicking and deflecting.

Whether the parents are together or not dad has just as much right to that info as mum.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 20/04/2018 07:43

I do get that insancerre and is obviously tell them any important changes. But the way she asked made me feel like if I’d said yes it would have been a bad thing. I don’t know just got a odd feeling about it and the fact she said DD said he sleeps makes me think she’s asking her. DD wouldn’t just say that, but she might say “daddy sleep my house” If someone says “does daddy sleep at your house”.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emboo19 · 20/04/2018 07:44

I’d not is!

OP posts:
oobeedoiwannabelikeyou · 20/04/2018 08:38

Wow just read through this now.
I'm a nursery practitioner and your DD's key worker was completely unprofessional.
Yes there are some mums who say "Dad is terrible with letters, please give them to me"
There's also been a fair few mums saying "can you please give to Dad as I'll lose it"
Until we're told that we hand to whichever parent collects!!
Whether you or DD's dad are together or not you should be treated as equal parents.
I'm actually really angry for you, who the hell does she think she is?
I would contact the manager and ask who your child's new key worker will be when she moves rooms? I would say you'd like a meeting with the new key worker to go over some points due to the complete lack of respect for Dad from the previous key worker. I would also add that it's not appropriate to call parents "fussy"
I would also state that if there's any changes in your DD's life at home you'll inform them and that they don't need to rudely ask.
I would also add that you know your DD and she doesn't have the language comprehension to offer "Daddy sleeps at mine" and even if she did he could've napped on the sofa whilst you were late home.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 20/04/2018 16:45

Thank you @oobeedoiwannabelikeyou the manager wasn’t in today but I briefly spoke to the room leader and she was very apologetic. DD’s keyworker is moving rooms too, so that was the main reason for moving DD and a few others early, I’m not really sure though, we had a look at the next room today it’s 2-3’s and very busy, DD is quite forward but she’s quite small for her age and looked tiny compared to the others in that room.
In regards to what DD said I just don’t think she would, although she speaks well for her age I don’t think she’d think to say that. She usually says “my daddy go work” or my daddy go swimming” etc. I honestly don’t think she thinks about where he goes to sleep and even if she did say it, she spends some nights with him at his house, which to her is also her home.

I’m a bit Angry at the fussy comment too, although the room leader assured me the manager would not have said that. My mum worked in children’s centres so I like to think I’m pretty relaxed and I’ve never complained about anything.

OP posts:
MollyDaydream · 20/04/2018 19:26

Your 18 month old should not be moving into a 2 year old room, I would be very 'fussy' about that!

Original poster
Emboo19 · 20/04/2018 20:17

I’m thinking that now Molly. Ex is actually calling round tonight so we can discuss it, but he definitely thinks she’s too little after seeing the other room, I’m not so sure as I do think she’s been getting a bit bored in with the babies.
I’m not keen on how they’ve been visiting her before even speaking to one of us first either though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emboo19 · 21/04/2018 11:37

I’ve also realised after talking to ex last night, that when he’s put things on DD’s online learning journal the keyworker hasn’t approved any of them. So I haven’t known he’s done it, but he’s put on things when he took her away and days out etc and even just her playing at his house. My posts get approved and she always likes them too, but not his.

I just don’t know what herproblem is! Going to ask for a meeting for the both of us with the manager on Monday though and can hopefully sort this and DD moving rooms, as I’ve got concerns about that too.

OP posts:
TrudeauGirl · 21/04/2018 15:32

My posts get approved and she always likes them too, but not his

That's not good, I can see why you're annoyed by this, I certainly would be. A meeting is a very good idea.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 21/04/2018 17:44

It’s all very odd Trudeau and I don’t think it’s nursery policy at all. Its just like she just doesn’t like him very much!

But like I say, I’ve always got on really well with her and no problems until now.

OP posts:
oobeedoiwannabelikeyou · 13/05/2018 17:43

@Emboo19
Did you get this resolved?