To STILL be considered odd to keep my maiden name, even though it's 2018?

[jamoncrumpets]

I married DH in 2013. I kept my surname for a number of reasons: wasn't that enamoured of DH's, feminist reasons, I just really like my own surname.

Didn't make a deal out of it at all, but did mention to family and family-in-law that I'd be keeping my name. Kept the explanation brief 'I just like my name', and left it at that.

So why am I STILL receiving post from family addressed to 'Mrs DHSURNAME'?! Even from my own DF?!

Then today I was talking to one of my aunts and she was utterly shocked that I was happy to have a different surname to my DC 'But he's your SON, how can you not want the same name, you're a FAMILY?!' - tbh it never entered my head to care! I adore my DS, and my husband, and don't feel like our name is the vital thing that links us together.

AIBU to just be a little bit fed up of having to explain myself over and over again to people?! How can I politely tell these people to fuck off?

[PaulDacreRimsGeese]

It only causes confusion to people who are stupid.

[MartagonLilies]

I originally clicked on this thread, because I too have kept my maiden name, much to annoyance of certain IL's.
However, now I'm more concerned that I know I've read the thread before, or at least the first page. How can this be? Has it been temporarily removed for some reason, and then re added today?

[Strugglingtodomybest]

I found it much less confusing to not have two Mrs DH Surname in the village.

[jamoncrumpets]

Mart, no I definitely posted it today!

[Furano]

If I kept my maidan name, any children would be having my name.

[Limoncell0]

When my DH proposed, one of the things he said was he wanted to share his name with me. I can't imagine having a different name to my husband. To some people it's symbolic of the bond between you. Of course it stems from an era when men were considered head of the family, but these days he might want you to take his name more out of an instinct of responsibility for the family. It's not necessarily a negative thing - far better this than the non-committal mentality many men demonstrate towards their families. Some women understand this and don't feel at all demeaned by changing their name. It's of course, absolutely fine to not name change, but people shouldn't belittle those who do just because it means nothing to them.

[Mumto2two]

I don’t see it as a problem OP. My children don’t have my surmame, and I’m often asked why. And surely I must have problems travelling through passport control etc.. Which of course I don’t

[KennDodd]

but these days he might want you to take his name more out of an instinct of responsibility for the family. It's not necessarily a negative thing - far better this than the non-committal mentality many men demonstrate towards their families.

Well I am equally 'responsible for the family' with my husband, I didnt need him to save me. Your post belittles women impliying they are helpless little things who need a big strong man to look after them.

[PaulDacreRimsGeese]

Alternatively, one's husband could be committed whilst not espousing any entirely nonsensical ideas.

[Glitteryfrog]

I've kept my maiden name because I'm too lazy to do the admin which would be required to change it. and I can't get a google/outlook email with it

[LadyLoveYourWhat]

I can't imagine sharing my husband's name, @Limoncell0, it would feel very odd not to use my own, perfectly fine name. If anyone's desperate for a symbol of our bond we both wear a wedding ring but, to be honest, I think having an actual bond is much more important than a symbol.

[Limoncell0]

LadyLove - of course the actual bond is more important than the symbol, but still some people like the symbol nonetheless. Just as a wedding itself could be considered a symbol, or an engagement ring. All I'm saying is, it's absolutely fine if name-changing is not for you, but don't presume women who do change their names are somehow less enlightened because maybe you just don't understand in the way you think you do.
(Not you personally, just people in general)!

[Americantan]

I do believe women change their name exactly because they are less enlightened.

[Limoncell0]

Well that belief is very naive.

[derxa]

I changed my name when I got married but everyone here refuses to remember it and I'm usually called Derxa maiden name. That's because my birth family have been here for donkey's years. It's still part of the patriarchal society though because of the well knownness of my DF and DGF. Call yourself what you like. It would be even more radical if you chose a completely new surname. How about Ms Vileda-Supermop?

[reddressblueshoes]

Funnily enough his family get it right, mine are the ones who address me as 'Mrs Dh' on cards. Our baby will be born soon and will be Myname-Hisname, so I'm hoping that fact, and cards we send out about his birth etc will get the point across.

If we get cards to the Myname-HisName family, even better, as that's how we think of ourselves- on our own, we're the same individuals we always have been, together, we're this new little family unit. I actually much prefer the symbolism of that than the idea one of us joined the others family.

I thought I wouldn't mind a few people getting it wrong, but it actually bothered me more than I though - redress Hisname just isn't a person, and it turns out I feel absolutely no connection to it.

I do wish it was the norm for people to somehow announce what they're doing on Facebook, or formally after the wedding- I have some cousins who I'm pretty sure changed their names legally but not on Facebook, but I'm not sure- if I call them their original name, am I making a point/ignoring their wishes? (I am the family's vocal feminist) if I assume they've changed it, just not on Facebook, am I doing to them what other people have done to me? It would be a lot easier if the norm was to tell people- we got return address labels made for Christmas cards in the hope people would get the hint, but v few did.

[FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast]

you know what annoys me...diverting a bit from names but connected.

the lady in the local library here for example, who deals with council tax payments, always says in a really loud voice to the women ..
'IS THAT MISS MRS OR MS?'

in this day and age, is my marital status anyone's bloody business?
If i say 'MS' I am forced into making a political statement.

Men can just be MR all their lives , and so should women be ..

[MizCracker]

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast I know exactly what you mean. Except I always get asked "Is that Miss or Mrs?" and I have to say "Neither".

The pathetic thing is I sometimes make a joke about being "awkward" because I feel like I need to apologise for my choice to be Ms instead of just owning it

[Americantan]

Not at all limoncell0

As I’ve grown more enlightened myself, I’ve asked women I know who have in recent times taken their husbands name, why, and asked whether they feel they are perpetuating sexist traditions. The most common answer to the first question is “it’s a show of respect to my husband” and to the second “oh, I’ve never really thought of it like that”. I can live with the second answer much more easily than the first. It’s all about enlightenment, then choice as to whether to knowingly perpetuate sexist traditions, or bring about change.

[Americantan]

100% agree fourfried.

[FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast]

" I don't mind making a small political statement by saying Ms "

well nor do i really, I just dont like being forced into it...