PIL are serious hoarders

[Hafa9141]

I am a very tidy person in general, mot necessarily as in everything has to be away and look pristine, BUT everything has a place and there is no junk in the house.
That being said, PIL are both over retirement age and are prolific hoarders (its a bit of a family joke that if you ever need something ask FIL first).
Their house is absolutely rammed with about 35 years of "keep that just in case" things and projects that were started but never finished.
Unfortunately they have 5 grown up kids and only 3 of them still communicate, but the other 2 have their eye on many things in the house (they have told us before what they plan to come and get once PIL are gone).
I know it may be morbid, but as an organisation freak I worry about what we will do when they actually go.
I have tried to encourage them to do some boot-sales with us, so at least they are making money of their collections and don't feel like they are losing out. They bring a massive camper van full of things, sell some of it (made about £200 last time we did one) but then take it all home and put it back.
AIBU when I say I have to sit on my hands at their house to stop me from tidying up?

Sorry with regards to 2 of the kids coming to get stuff, I am worried precious family heirlooms will be taken and sold on for cash as they have fallen out with PIL but still see £££ when they look at the house.

Good god your poor pil.

You all sound hideous

They don't sound like hoarders to me. From what you say, they're not hanging on to pure rubbish (empty food cartons, old newspapers etc), they come from a generation where stuff was more expensive and it made sense to keep things in case they came in useful. And they're willing to try to sell some of it.

"projects that were started but never finished" - getting rid of these is an admission that you won't finish. OK if you've lost interest completely, but if you haven't got round to it, getting rid is an admission "I haven't enough years left in my life to complete this" - so a subject that needs to be dealt with, if you deal with it, with utmost tact.

Who do you think the precious family heirlooms should go to then op? I wonder

At the moment we have an enormous problem with the amount of waste we generate. Some people have a horror of extra "junk" in their house; others have an equal horror of adding to landfill waste anything that still has some use left in it.

The two who have said they’ll take X and Y sound super grabby. Apart from that, can the other 3 children keep gently talking to them?

Do you know if they have written Wills? My DH’s GPs didn’t and I think, from conversations, that his parents haven’t either.

I’m thinking they could do this goes to number 1, these for 2 etc. Then if grabby relatives kick off you just say this is what PIL wanted and we are respecting their wishes.

I privately dread my PILS dying because they have 60 years worth of stuff, including everything DH told them he didn’t want when he left home, forty plus years ago. They’ve kept it because we might find it useful at some point.

@Mydoghatesthebath bit insulted that you're assuming I am interested. They actually have 2 daughters and 4 grand daughters (none of them are mine) who I'd like to make sure get their mothers jewellery rather than it ending up in a pawn shop. And don't say we are all hideous, I an the only one asking about this stuff as the others have no consideration for each other.
@AdoraBell that's what they are like, their youngest daughter is 37 and they still have her cabin bed! I think they have done wills but probably haven't updated them as certain things have gone one. The older 2 are ridiculous they use the front garden as a dumping ground and come round looking for things to pinch when they know MIL is home alone.

@MereDintofPandiculation it isn't about landfill and waste, they have a mountain of that in their front garden and garage. Its more like they think "we're going to get a log burner next year, I'll go and get some free logs I saw down the road and pile them up on the front garden" which is fine, but they don't cover them, haven't applied for a log burner survey and keep adding to the pile whenever they go to the park.

Good god your poor pil

You all sound hideous

You sound hideous actually. OP is asking for advice, she's concerned for her PIL and you jump in talking utter nonsense. Your reply is exactly what people are referring to when they say Mumsnet has changed and has turned really nasty.

Bluntly, it's none of your business. And never will be, they're not your parents and, even if they were, they can do what they like in their own home.

When they die, your husband and his siblings will do what everyone else does: hire a skip, throw all the rubbish away, take 102 bags to the charity shop and keep about 5% of what's left between them.

@Bluelady unfortunately it is my business as we are the only 2 in the family who live within 2 hours drive of them and the only ones they have told where specific items are in the house. We have been told we are responsible for their wills as we can be trusted to do things properly without squabbling.
The skip thing is highly likely, however I see it as more like 5/6 skips than just one.

Unless you're named as the executors of their wills, you're responsible for nothing. You may be or it could be someone else entirely.

While they have mental capacity, it's nobody's business but their own. I'm their generation and would take a very dim view of a daughter in law becoming over invested in my business. When the time comes to sort everything out, your husband may ask for your help but that isn't now.

Btw, you'd be amazed what a skip holds, I managed to get 50 years worth of accumulated stuff into one. The sorting is the worst bit, the chucking is easy.

As they have specially told you and DH that you are responsible for sorting the house and wills, I think it probably is reasonable for you and DH to have a conversation with them.

Given that two siblings have said that they plan to search the house and remove valuables once their parents are gone, there might need to be a tactful conversation about passing on anything with strong sentimental ties themselves. If you don’t stand to personally benefit (as with the jewellery) then you might be well placed to let pil know what has been said.

@Bluelady we are named executors, I forgot what the wording was for it 😂
They don't see me as over interested DIL we are closer than that so I think they will sense my genuine concern.
@Inertia I think they already know about their oldest 2 as they have been told by their eldest daughter about it and they have assured us that what's in the will is the important stuff, the rest they can fight over if they want.
I have had conversations with MIL about how fantastic the house would look if it was cleared out (also tried to convince them to sell things as they love to travel so could use it for that) and she said she's going to start sorting out stuff (8months ago) 😂 they would make a fortune on their record collections, artwork and beautiful furniture.

i think hafa sounds lovely and its good to plan ahead and raise this sort of thing before someone is on their death bed when its inappropriate and too late.

my mother gave me what she wanted me to have quite early on. then when my brother behaved appallingly after she died it didnt matter so much as i had the key sentimental things i really treasured.

so can you suggest they either give key sentimental things away, include in their wills or as a minimum write down key things they want to go to specific people.

my brother borrowed a load of money from my mum and she had left a note on this in her papework

Thank you @dreamingofsun I do mentioned to them sometimes oh wow isn't that lovely, are you giving that to.....? And sometimes they say yes definitely and sometimes they say they'll think about it.
I never push them or make them feel uncomfortable, just bite my tongue and hope nothing goes missing when the unfortunate happens.
MIL has beautiful Polish handmade jewellery and her GD has said "nanny can I keep this" and she's said "maybe when you're older" and told us its in her will. Just hope older 2 don't have a rummage and sell it off as soon as the house is empty.

Do you know what attachment is, OP? Do you think that they might actually like all their stuff?

do you know where they keep their wills? this could be a way to broach the subject. you could also say you have been reading some terrible stories on here about how families fall out (i no longer speak with my brother because of what happened ). And that as you are executor you want to make sure you carry out their wishes, so could you make a list with them of what they want to go to who?

@onalongsabbatical absolutely. There is stuff to be attached to such as photos etc. Then there is stuff like 5 bin bags of coat hangers in the small spare bedroom and a mouldy fish tank in the front garden. Hoarding isn't usually sentimental things.

Leave them alone, poor people, you can squabble over their things when they are no longer with you, OP.

But people get emotionally attached because of all sorts of old psychological reasons that you don't understand because you're not them. You do sound like you're too eager to get them to get rid of stuff they want to keep. Of course the fish tank and the hangers, but what about clothes a person no longer wears, books that have been read? Attitudes to this kind of stuff vary widely and one person's hoarding is another person's worldly possessions.

@dreamingofsun we know where the wills are yes and unfortunately they can't be bothered with the faffing that goes along with amending it with a solicitor.
But not to worry I have asked them to do a car boot sale next to my car this weekend and they said they will fill one of the vans up. Failed to mention FIL has 2 camper vans and an old car on the drive. And another camper van that they use and an estate car he uses for work 😂

If he's still working they could be in that house for another 30 years. Are you going to nag them for three decades?

@iffyjiffybag won't be any squabbling from me, I am trying to avoid that by sorting stuff with them now before further sibling relationships get ruined!
@onalongsabbatical I'm only eager for them to get rid of the stuff they have said "oh that's going to the tip" and dumped in the garden for 2 years or "I'm taking them to the charity shop to make space for my art studio" 6months ago. I would never make them get rid of anything they want to keep hold of. Just trying to motivate them to clear away the other stuff!

@Bluelady he is working but he is also 70 next year so I highly doubt they will be in that house another 30 years.
I won't be nagging them as that's not my style and I didn't ask whether I should carry on nagging them I asked AIBU for worrying about it!?