To think you should never criticise your child's personality or looks?

[OutofSyncGirl]

Either to them or to anyone else?

I think you can say to a child that their behaviour was wrong but not they are a bad / horrible / irritating / selfish etc person.

Someone said to me the other day that their teenage daughters legs have become fat because she eats too much and I also think this is wrong!

I've never been overweight but my mum used to criticise my body when I was a teenager and it did a lot of damage.

Depends.

My eldest child is a sulky little beast out in public, it used to drive me mad because he’s a lovely kid at home. I took a photo of
Him One day pouting in a shop .. it totally worked. He was unaware. And I just said to him “this is what people see when you’re out and about” and left that with him.

It sounds mean but I had to get through to him. But No, I never criticise My kids or their characteristics. We think the world of them and they know it

It depends in what context it’s said. It can be a minefield. One the one hand it would not be good for anorexia to then set in but also it’s important to maintain a healthy weight. The daughter may not realise that she has put weight on: gentle hints and suggestions may be more beneficial. Someone can be a healthy weight with bigger legs though ...

Why does it matter if your child looks sulky though?

Well, the little comments that both my mum and dad (who were divorced) said about me or to me when I was a child/teenager have stuck with me forever and really affected the way that I view myself as an adult. I don't even know if either of them would remember the comments - for what it's worth I wasn't overweight or anything just a bit plain and dorky when compared to my 3 sisters. I still think I'm plain.

So when it comes to my own two daughters I make sure they NEVER hear anything negative regarding their looks - and in my eyes they are both completely beautiful anyway.

Calling out bad behaviour is different - it's easier for them to change.

I wouldn't criticise their looks in any way I don't think(my dc are perfect and gorgeous anyway, obviously! ) but I think if a character trait led to unpleasant behaviour or rudeness I think I would. I might call out selfishness for example. Or greed or arrogance or a short temper. I think I'm a better person for knowing some of my faults and your own are sometimes hard to see.

Why does it matter if your child looks sulky though?

Because it’s not very socially aware to stand around pouting. If an adult did it it’d be weird so best to crack that habit I’d imagine.

Never criticise something they can't change. (Their height, shape, colouring, features, inheritied disabilities such as dyspraxia etc.)

Never criticise anything that's your job as a parent to help them sort out (eg if they don't bathe often enough/clean their teeth/overeat/under-exercise.)

But having spent my DCs entire childhood building up their self esteem so they're not the quivering self loathing wreck I was as a child, I discover I overdid it and DS1 was coming across as very arrogant. I had to tackle that quite forcefully and definitely hurt his feelings on a number of occasions, but I'd rather say something than keep quiet and let him gain a reputation for arrogance.

It all depends.

You should never criticise anything they arent really responsible for no. And I agree you should always say 'you are BEING selfish right now' and never 'you ARE selfish'

Kids really take stuff on board in a deep way that you might not realise. I have a very vivid memory of my father calling me selfish at a young age and it struck me so much that I really went right the other way to my detriment. It led to a lot of self hatred, low self esteem and lack of boundaries with people. Because I really sincerely believed deep down that I was selfish for even being alive.

Im sure my dad did not mean any harm but you do have to be careful how you word things to children.... it was the context of it in that my mothers family were Catholic and I spent a lot of time with them..... meaning that my dads words just stuck with me massively and damaged me.

Perhaps ive not explained that well.... but my point is children can be incredibly sensitive and take things on board in a big way which effect them throughout their lives... so comments that seem throwaway to an adult can become something that defines them even if it were completely not intended to be malicious... so be careful what you say!!!

Even if you as parent say "Stop being so selfish!" (which implies they have full control, they'll come back later and say "But you always undermine me by saying I'm selfish!"

I just think kids hear you wrong no matter how what is said.

Last night my teenager STANK. Needed a shower. It was a good thing I told him. Probably tipping towards YABU.

Oh I feel bad now. My ds (16) has grown his hair and refuses to get it trimmed. It looks really mullety and straggly and it hangs in curtains round his face. Should I not tell him that it doesn’t suit him and looks very scruffy? I don’t want to hurt him or damage his self esteem but it does look very shit! I really don’t know how to handle it, he refuses to even brush it!

struckbylightning id personally leave that one. Clearly he likes it for some reason. Did you not like anything completely ridiculous when a teen? I used to wear black lipstick for a couple of years and I looked demented. Just let him get on with it... at some point he will realise himself. Its never nice to hear put downs from your own parents even if they were somewhat merited.

@Struckbylightning I think it's fine to tell him to wash it - I always tell DC to wash their hair or bathe, as teen boys would forget too often. I'm blunt about smell - it's not fair on other people to have to smell dirty hair. But the style...I think unless he's trying to get a Saturday job or going for work experience where his appearance matters, it might be somehting he just has to do.

If he ever mopes about wanting a girlfriend or a job or anything else where appearance counts you could offer to pay for him to get his hair cut in case that would make a difference.

I can't think why this would be an absolute rule. Since when did it become so taboo to express criticism in any form?

My mother used to do this. She said I was stupid, fat, that kind if thing. It was unpleasant but it didn't really affect me.

My dm compared me in public to a cousin I rarely see. People were commenting on how alike we look and dm commented 'but she's the pretty version' or words to that effect. She prob can't even remember saying it but it has definitely affected me. Teenage girls are sensitive.

"Never criticise anything that's your job as a parent to help them sort out (eg if they don't bathe often enough/clean their teeth/overeat/under-exercise.)"

You can't "help" a teen into the shower.

When my oldest got to the age of needing to wash properly every day and use deodorant (but couldn't be arsed) I did try the nice soft approach, but eventually it did become necessary to tell her outright that she smelt and to insist that she put more effort into it.

Rather me than the school bully. It was very noticeable.

My mum STILL does this. One of my children needs braces and my mum said to her, ‘yes, you don’t want teeth like your mother’. Thanks for that

If it's something that they're going to be picked on without intervention, such as hygiene yes, it's your job to say something constructive.

Better me pointing out that my son was looking utterly miserable than him getting the "chin up" comments, or people gravitating towards his SEEMINGLY much sunnier dispositioned sibling, which was really affecting him. He was unaware of the Fuck Off vibes he was giving.

I suffer from bitchy resting face and I have to work on not looking sullen myself. Many people have taken against me from the off even though I'm utterly delightful!

Ok I’ll wait till he’s trying to pull then. Though I may still leave a brush lying about from time to time...

I think the word never is too absolute.

Sometimes a gentle criticism is needed, but it depends how and when you do it. A bit of humour, or a helpful offer to remedy the problem (chewing gum for instance, for smelly breath), and always done quietly so that only the person concerned can hear.

Mind you, I'm not one for harsh criticism generally- I would never sya to anyone, for instance, that their outfit looked horrible- I would always be as diplomatic as possible: "it's not my cup of tea" or "It's not as flattering as it could be", perhaps.

PPs are right- what you say as a parent can haunt your children for years. I still remember my mother telling me I looked ridiculous with a high ponytail - in front of her friends .And just at Christmas she told my brother, in whose house she was a guest and in front of us all - that he was fat. He's 53. And was still hurt and embarrassed by it.

(She got cross with me though because I loudly said it was inappropriate and rude )

It depends. I don't criticise the things they can't change, but i would tell them if they were being annoying/selfish/miserable/ nasty.
I also tell them if i think they are getting a bit chubby after lazy school holidays. I am preparing to be shot down by MN for that last sentence! Surely it's our job as parents to tell them, otherwise someone else will, maybe in not such a nice way! Kids are very egocentric and need to be made aware of these things.

I remember my dad having a campaign against what he called my 'frozen face' when I was in new situations. Thank goodness he did or I would have been much less successful at job interviews and have fewer friends!

I also remember my mum telling me that she thought I was selfish as a teenager. Shocked the hell out of me. But did me good in the long run!

As long as it is measured and balanced with lots of praise, I think criticism is a part of parenting. That said, I wouldn't criticise a child who either couldn't do anything to fix the problem or who needed building up because they were struggling at school or being bullied, for example.

Personal remarks are bang out of order to anyone.
If you want your kids to loose weight go about it intelligently, not in a way that is going to have negative repercussions.

Ohyesiam- What, like giving them smaller portions and healthier snacks? And you think they are so stupid that they won't notice why things have changed? Credit them with some intelligence please!
I don't want my children growing up to be arrogant, self-centered adults who think they are untouchable. This will happen if they are never criticised. I can't be doing with all this fake 'well done', 'aren't you clever' nonsense. How will they have any sense of reality if everything they do is 'wonderful'?
Rant over!