To think you should never criticise your child's personality or looks?

[OutofSyncGirl]

Either to them or to anyone else?

I think you can say to a child that their behaviour was wrong but not they are a bad / horrible / irritating / selfish etc person.

Someone said to me the other day that their teenage daughters legs have become fat because she eats too much and I also think this is wrong!

I've never been overweight but my mum used to criticise my body when I was a teenager and it did a lot of damage.

My mother when I was 11 told me that I was a sad sack frump and she didn't like the person I was becoming. I was wearing my dressing gown and had taken too long to make her a cup of tea. Still half believe it 26 years later.

vampire that's awful

I think mean, personal criticisms attacks delivered with malice are not nice and can be damaging. However, I think it is equally damaging to ignore things that could have consequences for your child. This is a minefield when it comes to talking about weight but it is something that needs to be addressed in a kind and supportive way and not just ignored.

I have told my kids to clean the dirt off their faces or to go take a shower so they can smell fresh (as they were sweaty) Does that include criticizing their looks?
I helped my son tame his hair this morning. It was sticking up like a unicorn horn and didn't want him feeling self-conscious at (secondary) school.

My mum still dies this - criticises what I wear, and ignores it when I'm obviously looking quite nice (sometimes I make an effort and I know I'm ok!). I grew up thinking I had a fat bottom bc she told me I did. I know now I didn't. I had a lovely bottom and I wish I'd been able to dress to enjoy the fact. Grrrr.
Needless to say my approach with DD is different!

Many people have taken against me from the off even though I'm utterly delightful!

I know, same here! It's unfathomable

I think you are talking nonsense and this cotton wool type of mollycoddling children is not helpful.

We talk openly about our bodies, looks, personalities. Recognising we aren't perfect and that certain things you can't do anything about and other parts can be worked on.

I'm quite self depreciating about bits of my body that are great and bits, like my cankles - which are exactly like my mums, that I can't do anything about.

Ds1 and I were talking about skin and he is appreciative, that he doesn't really get spots, like his friends. Currently! And I explained that I was the same.

These things can be talked about.
I think you are doing the next generation a dis-service.

I agree. I think it would be soul destroying for them to hear from the one person who loves them unconditionally. Having said that my eldest was convinced he was the best singer in the world and started singing loudly in public thinking he'd be 'discovered'. He really can't sing and one day I very gently hinted at that fact when 'The voice' auditions were coming up. I still feel a bit bad but he's now very grateful!

I think it depends on context. Out of nowhere calling your child fat/horrible etc is just plain mean but if they come to you saying they think they are fat then you can talk about how s/he can change that as apposed to just agreeing and leaving them feeling bad. My DP calls his kids out when they are being selfish/mean to their little brother. They hate it but it stops them behaving that way.
I remember an occasion when me and DP had to go round to his ex's house to discuss some problems the kids were having. Younger child said he was anxious about his weight, thought he was fat. I laughed. Ex said i was immature for laughing. I said I wasn't laughing because its funny, I laughed because I find it strange and in fact ridiculous that he is even thinking this way especially using the word anxious, he's still growing for one and two there's not an inch of fat on him! i got a hug from him and that comment made him happier than sitting there being forced by his mum to explain why he though he was fat. That in my eyes was a horrible thing to do to a then 8yo boy and no one but me or his dad talked him up all night. Mum saying he's got issues left right and center and we, whilst respecting some points were valid, spent more of the evening saying well what about this etc. But he only remembers the bad things said about him not the good.

What's the difference between personality and attitude? Genuine question as you get some kids who are super outgoing that some might see as "confident" but others might see it as precocious or another who is maybe shy and withdrawn yet a teacher might say "refuses to engage"? My DS gets such a conflicting school report, I'm sure it literally is a clash of personalities.

I'm a fan of 'I don't like to see you act like that/say that/scowl like that - that's not the lovely XX I know.'

I actually think it's a parent's job to make a child aware if they have certain tendencies that add up to a character flaw, then help them correct it. So, if they are frequently very selfish or lazy, it's my view that it is absolutely fine (and in fact your job) to say "I've noticed this lazy/selfish behaviour before and I think you should do something about it before it becomes a habit." Etc.

I don't hold with this, "You are being selfish right now" business. If a person is frequently selfish, it's reasonable to call them selfish.

I've had to criticize them, but did it in private, and in a matter of fact way. It was embarrassing for both of us - but kids learn by example. You have to at least try to handle difficult conversations with good grace.

It really depends on alot of things. I wouldn't comment on my childrens looks or anything they can't help. But with my teens I will let them know if they smell or look a total mess because they haven't bothered brushing hair etc. I think they go through a phase around 11-13 where they think they are allergic to water and a hairbrush and a gentle nudge from mum is better than other kids talking behind their back.

Likewise, teenagers can be incredibly selfish at times. Purposely making everyone else late for something because they don't really want to go IS selfish and they'll be called out on it. Or doing something without considering the consequences to someone else, I will tell them how thoughtless that was and hopefully they will then turn into a well rounded adult.

I would never, however, critisise something beyond their control such as if they had a big nose, large thighs, spots or anyting else that they may feel conscious of.

trans I think showing him what he looked like was a brilliant idea, how is that horrible! I too have bitch resting face I never knew I wish dp had told me in the nice way! Blunt honest dd told me at five and I'm so grateful!!

oops, I've just told my teenage DS that he looked like he had put on a bit of weight and it would be good if he cut down on the rubbish he eats. I then added that I'd put on weight recently and needed to lose some too.

We say things as they are in our family, no need to beat around the bush. DS knows it's not a criticism, it's raising awareness. When my DH said that he thought I'd put on a bit of weight last week, I said he was right and I was working on it. Of course it depends on the tone and facial expressions, but I really don't get why people get so offended when they are told what is the truth.

I feel like I'm in a parallel universe.
When did you all become so twee?

What's so wrong about openly talking about the fact that someone may be inherently lazy? Like lazy is sdirty word?

now I am naturally lazy. I fight it. and talking to DS1 about you know trying to overcome that laziness and pushing yourself forward to achieve the best you can?

What's wrong with talking about bits of your body that you'd change given half a chance. I want Ds1 to accept that his body is his body and my quirky big bottom, large calves, kiss-curl hair, which he's inherited as opposed to all the much taller, much naturally skinnier boys in his year, who they presumably all compare, when getting changed for pe,? is just the way it is.

Ideally i wanted to be another 4 inches taller, and look like cindy Crawford. But I don't. And that's totally fine.

I agree oblomov, I think it's people who have not learned to be open about their weaknesses who end feeling self conscious about them. It was always important to me to bring up my kids to be realistic about who they were, be proud of what they should be proud of, but also not afraid to self judge themselves when they know they haven't given the best of themselves. It's also ok to accept not to be perfect.

Confidence grow from being happy with who you are and for that, you need to be realistic and open about who you are as a person.

But Oblomov, there's a difference between showing your DC how to accept their own imperfections and criticising those imperfections. Saying: I'm lazy by nature and you are too. We need to work hard to overcome that' is different from saying, 'You're so lazy, you'll never get anywhere.'
I'm fat. I'm one of the few women I know who is never offended if people call me fat. It's not rude. It's true. If I cared enough I'd starve myself thin. But my DSis is obese. She was called Miss Piggy by my dad thoughout her teenage years when she was slightly plump - way thinner than I am now. You can't discuss weight with my sis. It's a taboo subject. That's because she was criticised and humiliated.

DS2 has a physical problem that makes him slouch. I tell him to stand up straight all the time. But I never tell him it looks awful (it does) I just say I know he wants to keep toned and stretched and avoid painful physio.

It's all in how you approach it. It's not twee to be thoughtful and kind.

How old are your children OP?

Dd is 21 and I am constantly wondering why she needs to wear a crop top so short her breasts hang out of the bottom

I say 'I can see your tits' before she leaves the house 🤣

My children are 16, 14 and 9 (all girls) the boobs out of the bottom of crop top is like the inverted cleavage and seems to be all the rage

My mil was complaining because she'd bought my partners daughter who is 10 a top that was aged 13 and it was too tight... she then proceeded to complain about said top not fitting and she needed to do exercise to lose some of the meat in her arms. And then started comparing how big she is compared to other girls in her class all in front of her.... May I point out she's not a fat or overweight ten year old.... she takes after her mother and is just big built. I just thought it very inappropriate personally.

How awful

I agree with the majority of replies - that it depends on all sorts of things, so no, I don't think there is an absolute rule at all. Context is everything.

Honestly, I think some of you are projecting the toxic relationship you had with your family growing up onto your child.

So long as you are a generally loving kind parent with your child's best interests at heart what is wrong with telling your child they need a shower, or are getting spots because their diet is poor, or they are at risk of getting fat because they don't move enough. My daughter refused to tidy her room yesterday and was very rude to me. I told her she was rude. Better it's me, able to tell her she is lovely and that I love her than a stranger when she's in her 20's.

My friends daughter is very overweight. My friend is secretly tearing her hair out about it. She has actually said to me that she thinks her daughters character is at risk of anorexia. So she doesn't say anything to her about her poor food choices. It's such nonsense- her daughter would be much better off if her mum helped her set healthy boundaries and helped her conquer her emotional overeating.

In contrast I made pasta for dinner last night. My daughter had her portion and a small second helping and then asked if she could eat her brothers leftovers. I just said "no, you have had a big portion already, do you want a plum?" And changed the subject. It's a parallel universe where we don't assist our children in making good choices for fear of offending them.

Agree you don't tease them about their big nose (although thinking about it we tease my son about his big ears and he thinks it's funny). They are not that big though and if they were totally off the scale I probably wouldn't mention them.