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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To end friendship over friends affair with Married Man

57 replies

Chimcha · 17/04/2018 10:08

To cut a long story short very close friend of over 20 years recently (6mths ago) came out of a messy divorce, and almost immediately starting seeing a married man she works with. I don't know man or his wife. I hear A LOT about exciting etc this relationship is, the great sex, the gifts, the getaways, no strings etc. I've tried talking to her many times about this being a rebound, likely to blow up in her face (esp given they work together), the dreadful impact on his wife and children, etc. I suppose I saw this initially as a sort of breakdown on her part, she is a needy individual and this seemed like the (very wrong) aftershock of her marriage breakdown. I have never once condoned the affair or encouraged it, but did want to support her to make the right decision and walk away from it. However I feel like it is now just too much, the conversation last night ended with me in an absolute rage, not at her just ranting to DH. She is basically now blaming the wife for her husband's affair. It started with 'they weren't happy, only stayed together for kids', but now it has turned into her seeing pictures of the wife (laughing at them quite openly) who apparently has let herself go since having kids, doesn't care about her appearance enough, always tired, works long hours etc. I'm at the end of my tether with friend. I know my anger comes from both my increasing outrage at her behaviour and partly from projecting and really feeling for the wife and children in this, as I, probably like a lot of other women, am just like the wife, tired from long days at work, work hard with DH, to provide for my family and children, and don't spend hours at the gym and salon each week keep myself perfect for DH (nor would he want me to tbh!). I try not to be a judgmental person but I know I am well and truly judging now and feel her moral values have slipped so far away from the person I have always loved as a friend that the friendship can't continue.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 17/04/2018 10:11

You can stop being friends with her.

SoupDragon · 17/04/2018 10:12

I would. I could not be friends with someone who was doing that.

DairyisClosed · 17/04/2018 10:14

She sounds like a horrible person. Was she always do nasty?

QueenofSerene · 17/04/2018 10:14

I’d end the friendship in a heartbeat. You want to be friends with people that bring something to the table, generally some kind of joy/enjoyment in their company, similar values and morals etc so why be friends with someone who pisses all over that? It’s no loss on your behalf.

cochineal7 · 17/04/2018 10:15

YANBU. I would withdraw from this friendship as well I think. It will all end badly, she may get hurt herself, but after having been so callous and cruel, not sure I could sympathise.

Eminado · 17/04/2018 10:15

You sound like a good person.

Step away from this friendship. If she asks, tell her why.

TeenyW123 · 17/04/2018 10:16

Have a read of the thread “ I just lost it with friend”.

It may help to clear your mind.

NurseButtercup · 17/04/2018 10:16

I try not to be a judgmental person but I know I am well and truly judging now and feel her moral values have slipped so far away from the person I have always loved as a friend that the friendship can't continue.

^this is enough reason to stop being her friend or perhaps distance yourself from her for a while.

Chimcha · 17/04/2018 10:17

No DairyisClosed she was nothing at all like this before, I've never seen this side of her character, and genuinely don't think it existed before. She has always been the kindest, most genuine person you could have hoped for - BUT she has been walked over a lot in her life by her family and ex-husband. It's like she went through so much pain her defense mechanism has become to be really selfish and only care about what she wants, when she wants it. I want to be a good friend, I know she is still reeling from the divorce, but I don't know where to go to with this now.

OP posts:
TheHulksPurplePants · 17/04/2018 10:17

YANBU. I couldn't be friends with someone that nasty. People change, she did, now it's time for you to move on.

PollyGasson24 · 17/04/2018 10:18

Your friend sounds nasty, I'd tell her exactly what I thought of her new behaviour and move on.

MrsDilber · 17/04/2018 10:18

I couldn't imagine falling out with my closest friends over anything, but I couldn't imagine them behaving this way. I'd let them know, obviously, it was wrong and give my opinion but I wouldn't fall out with them over it.

Her scoffing at his wife isn't a pleasant personality trait. He hasn't left her though, regardless, maybe he's using your friend.

PollyGasson24 · 17/04/2018 10:18

X post Smile

VladmirsPoutine · 17/04/2018 10:19

You don't need a reason to justify ending the friendship. That said, I think you are making it somewhat about yourself and high moral values.

You can quietly just end the friendship without lording your heroic moral values over everyone.

Chimcha · 17/04/2018 10:20

MrsDilber I would have said the exact same thing this time last year - this is a totally new set of characteristics for her.

OP posts:
Amonk3ysButler · 17/04/2018 10:21

You don't have to end a friendship over this. If you don't agree with her life choice, which in my opinion is also very wrong you can try to ask that she keeps that part of her life from you. I think it's disgusting that she mocks this woman while sleeping with her husband but it's her choice to do this. You don't have to be involved at all. Make it clear you don't agree and that hearing about it is damaging your friendship. Hopefully she will stop sharing it with you or she might end your friendship herself. If she keeps sharing/mocking this woman in front of you, then maybe end the friendship. I think if she can keep you out of it then at least you can be around when it all blows up in her face and she needs her friend. Sometimes we hold our friends to such a high standard we forget that they are human and make mistakes.

Viviennemary · 17/04/2018 10:25

I wouldn't end the friendship but I'd say I didn't want to hear anything about her affair as I disapproved. And then it would be up to her whether or not she wanted to continue being friends. And if she is annoying you then just see less of her.

Chimcha · 17/04/2018 10:26

Crickey VladmirsPoutine if 'don't sleep with other people's husbands and laugh at their wives whilst doing it is defined as 'high and heroic moral values', then the world really is going to the dogs!

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 17/04/2018 10:30

No but you know that. You are making this about yourself. People tend to just get on with things without making a song and dance about it. I wonder what you would have done if a bunch of internet randoms told you not to end the friendship. It's a bit of a pointless thread all round tbh. But you crack on.

Chimcha · 17/04/2018 10:30

Thanks, we have had discussions in the past where I've said I don't think she should discuss it with me if she doesn't want to hear my views on it. I think my next step is to perhaps say this more firmly. She is so caught up in it, the only way I can describe it is like, from my perspective, watching someone become addicted to drugs or something and it changes their personality.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 17/04/2018 10:33

I've a friend who's in a long-term affair with a married man. We had a conversation about it once, and I left it there.

I don't agree with the situation but she's still my friend, I don't want to set myself up as her moral judge and she's been there for me through thick & thin over the years. I've known her since primary school.

If you don't want to be her friend then don't OP, you can sever the friendship tell her why or not, as you choose. She has her life, you have yours.

MadMags · 17/04/2018 10:44

Vladimir, that can be said of literally every single thread on here.

Nobody needs the advice of randomers on the internet.

That said, OP you can end the friendship whenever you like, for whatever reason.

If you want to tell her why, you can say that you're uncomfortable with the choices she's making, but you know it's her decision so you'll always be there if she needs you, should things hit the fan, but at the moment you just want to keep your distance a bit.

Morphene · 17/04/2018 10:49

I don't tend to feel like the OW is to blame if they are single. I think men are adults and are the ones that need to take responsibility for their marriage vows.

I don't believe it is morally shady on her part, though it certainly is on the married man's part.

I personally couldn't find someone who was cheating on wife and family attractive but that's me.

I think it IS disgusting behaviour to laugh at the wife. She is totally innocent in this and I can't imagine being friends with someone who would find someone being cheated on funny.

FizzyGreenWater · 17/04/2018 10:49

Honestly, I would send her a message along the lines of your OP and say to her, while you are being this person - who I NEVER thought you would be - I cannot be in contact with you.

Maybe it will wake her up - and that would be good.

Maybe it won't, because she was always this selfish and horrible underneath, not just 'needy' - and that would be good to know too, because then you can walk away from her.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 17/04/2018 11:23

Wow judgemental much?