To end friendship over friends affair with Married Man

[Chimcha]

To cut a long story short very close friend of over 20 years recently (6mths ago) came out of a messy divorce, and almost immediately starting seeing a married man she works with. I don't know man or his wife. I hear A LOT about exciting etc this relationship is, the great sex, the gifts, the getaways, no strings etc. I've tried talking to her many times about this being a rebound, likely to blow up in her face (esp given they work together), the dreadful impact on his wife and children, etc. I suppose I saw this initially as a sort of breakdown on her part, she is a needy individual and this seemed like the (very wrong) aftershock of her marriage breakdown. I have never once condoned the affair or encouraged it, but did want to support her to make the right decision and walk away from it. However I feel like it is now just too much, the conversation last night ended with me in an absolute rage, not at her just ranting to DH. She is basically now blaming the wife for her husband's affair. It started with 'they weren't happy, only stayed together for kids', but now it has turned into her seeing pictures of the wife (laughing at them quite openly) who apparently has let herself go since having kids, doesn't care about her appearance enough, always tired, works long hours etc. I'm at the end of my tether with friend. I know my anger comes from both my increasing outrage at her behaviour and partly from projecting and really feeling for the wife and children in this, as I, probably like a lot of other women, am just like the wife, tired from long days at work, work hard with DH, to provide for my family and children, and don't spend hours at the gym and salon each week keep myself perfect for DH (nor would he want me to tbh!). I try not to be a judgmental person but I know I am well and truly judging now and feel her moral values have slipped so far away from the person I have always loved as a friend that the friendship can't continue.

Both of them are not really friend material. Allcheaters are shallow obnoxious types looking out for themselves without genuine empathy. That's the married one and the knowing bit on the side. I realise a lot of people don't like that opinion, but why waste time on a "friend" with no depth of emotion?

There's enough blame to cover both parties in an affair. Just because you haven't made vows to the person's wife/husband doesn't mean it's not nasty (and yes, immoral) to engage emotionally/sexually with a person you know is already married/in a (supposedly) committed relationship. If you know someone's cheating, it's truly pathetic to be that person's "cheating partner".

And as for the friend in this situation, even if you ask her to stop gloating talking about that part of her life, I think the damage might already be done. You've seen what she's like, now. Maybe you can forget or manage to see past it-- or maybe not. Don't feel bad if you can't. Not all friendships last a lifetime.

for me I remembered how devastated I was to find that ex was cheating, this was someone who was supposed to love me, and who I had dc with and I was pregnant, to hear a friend who knew what had happened to me, and the impact this had one me and dc, talk so nastily about the wife made me so upset and sick, it bought back all my hurt. It is just so cruel to knowingly cause this pain to another person and rightly or wrongly I do judge them for making that choice

I wouldn't entertain her discussing it, I would also question a woman who thinks any excuse is valid, for a man to cheat on his wife.

You have two options, either say I don't want to hear about it anymore, or simply distance yourself till she's a tiny speck in the distance.

You sound like you feel to blame because you didn't have this stance from the off. Maybe you thought it'd be a short term fling, still very wrong, but it's her life.

Now you know every sordid detail and her excuses you've had enough. You knew it was wrong to begin with but possibly felt like a rabbit in headlights & wanted to be a good friend, especially after the divorce. Don't blame yourself, it's her who is doing this & feels it's justifiable.

Please don't blame yourself in any way.

Unless he's a serial cheater then something has broken down somewhere and they're both responsible for fixing it

That's BS, as I'm sure many of us can attest. Some ppl are just opportunists, as my dp was. I certainly couldn't 'fix' the fact that I was the same person he'd been with for 7 years, when he fancied something new and exciting on the side. Because that was his only excuse when the opportunity arose.

I was thinking about it recently and thinking how much of that must have come from guilt, shame and pain
Well there was a real easy way to stop feeling those emotions. Stop shagging someone else's dh. Pathetic.

maybe he's using your friend

There's no maybe about it.

Her laughing at the wife and no having the moral judgment to see that a man who ridicules his own wife behind her back is vile would be enough for me.

I would back off from the friendship. She isn't the good person you thought she was.

As a late addition, friend I had years ago slowly revealed how she enjoyed knowing she could take other peoples husbands if she wanted to. So overtly sexual to them and teasing. She had an abusive childhood and used sex for self worth and control, and had some awareness of what drove the behaviour.

I withdrew from the friendship as you just never knew what she was up to, or who she was having a fling with and any details made you complicit.

Some people are just too toxic to be around.