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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely mortified

64 replies

Jordan4531 · 16/04/2018 14:58

My husband hurt me on Saturday and trashed our house, my 7 year old has gone to school and told her teacher what happened. I don't blame her at all. I've already involved the police and social services have called and are all satisfied that this was an isolated incident and that I've told my husband to stay away till her gets help with his anger/depression and stress. But now I've had the headteacher on the phone to me to ask about it all and make sure we are ok which I know is lovely but now that means all of her teachers now know and I can't face them. She said it during a group activity which means her class mates will have heard and will tell their parents which means they will know and I live in a tiny village. Everyone knows everyone and everyone gossips. How am I meant to face going out, taking her to school, her karate lessons, playgroup with my youngest? I've had to get my MIL to collect my eldest as in just can't face her teachers now.

OP posts:
SinkGirl · 16/04/2018 15:00

You’re the victim here. You don’t need to be ashamed, he does. If anyone feels anything but sympathy for you, they’re not worth worrying about.

Original poster
Jordan4531 · 16/04/2018 15:01

I don't think I can handle people's pity, that's the problem people looking at me with pity. Pity is such an ugly thing.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/04/2018 15:02

You put your big girl pants on and get out and about. Hiding won't solve anything and will just make everything drag out.

You have no reason to be ashamed - he does.

So march out there with your head held high and go and collect your DC.

DameLillyTillicut · 16/04/2018 15:04

How am I meant to face going out, taking her to school, her karate lessons, playgroup with my youngest?

You hold your head high and you keep going. You've done nothing wrong. You've done what you can to protect your family. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of FlowersFlowers

Littleredboat · 16/04/2018 15:04

What you perceive as pity may be kindness. Give people a chance.

Your daughter has done you a favour. Also, be glad she has great teachers and good boundaries, and bravery.

I’m very sorry for the weekend you’ve had. I hope the bastard never gets the chance to upset or hurt either of you again.

Callamia · 16/04/2018 15:05

I would feel bad for you, what happened sounds horrible.

But I’d also respect you for your response. Chucking him out and looking after your children like you are is something I’d find admirable.

I might offer to help out if you need it, but I wouldn’t be doing it out of pity - just sisterly solidarity. You’ve no shame here - it’s all his.

user1471501171 · 16/04/2018 15:05

You have nothing to be ashamed of.
I understand you would prefer not to have your private life public knowledge. But maybe in such a small close knit community you might find some real and valuable support.
It could even work as a security measure if your ex husband kicks off again.
Well done for kicking the bastard to the kerb.

Theknacktoflying · 16/04/2018 15:06

It is a good thing that the school knows and will deal with it professionally.
You did nothing wrong ...
Give your dd a cuddle and she hasn’t done the wrong thing and good for her

Catspaws · 16/04/2018 15:07

If I head this I wouldn't pity you, I would admire you.

BeyondThePage · 16/04/2018 15:08

I bet there will be very little pity felt, compared to the amount of empathy and support. They are different.

AssassinatedBeauty · 16/04/2018 15:08

Sympathy and kindness is not the same a pity. If they know the whole story then they almost likely will respect you for how you've dealt with it.

DevilsDoorbell · 16/04/2018 15:08

Not your shame.

You have done nothing wrong, he is the one who should be ashamed.

QueenOfAccidentalDeathStares · 16/04/2018 15:10

shoulders down, chin up, head held high.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 16/04/2018 15:12

I bet some will be in awe that you have taken control and thrown him out. Not all their marriages will be rosey.

ReggaetonLente · 16/04/2018 15:13

God, why do women always seem to bear the pain caused by men’s shitty behaviour.

It might feel like pity but it’s probably sympathy/kindness. Some of these women could have been through similar themselves.

Original poster
Jordan4531 · 16/04/2018 15:13

I understand my girl did the right thing, im more worried that shes more bothered about it than she let on, she always acts like shes ok but i do try to get her to talk. LIke I said I've had the police go and speak with him and reported it but not pressed charges as this was an isolated incident and told him to seek professional help which he is doing. Yes very normally a lovely man and I know domestic abusers can be that way but he's not an abuser this was the only time anything like this has happened and he's acknowledged his behaviour and actively sought to rectify and help himself.
Where I live people aren't generally supportive of one and other unless friends, people constantly gossip and slag each other off, I just can't be bothered with that

OP posts:
Original poster
Jordan4531 · 16/04/2018 15:16

We've been together for nearly 10 years, I honestly believe there was an underlying reason for his reaction to an argument and have told him to get help or he's never getting through this door again

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 16/04/2018 15:17

You're not the one who has anything to be ashamed of. Your brute of a husband is and please don't use his depression as an excuse. We've all got our personal demons.
However most of us do not lash out at those around us.

KarmaStar · 16/04/2018 15:18

Please don't feel ashamed,you won't be the only victim of domestic abuse in your village,it won't be pity it will be empathy and a hand hold of you needed it.
Stay strong and don't let him back home.🌹

AssassinatedBeauty · 16/04/2018 15:19

You can rise above any immature behaviour, you don't need to acknowledge it or respond. Do the school run and be brisk and breezy, have a stock response ready for anyone that directly asks you about it and soon there will be something else along to occupy any gossips.

Original poster
Jordan4531 · 16/04/2018 15:20

@awwlookatmybabyspider I know it's no excuse, I'm just saying that I've told him he needs to get help for what I know he has but has never sought help for. I've told him and all officials that we live the same life, the same stresses but you don't see me being a dick like he did. I know he has no excuse and I won't be forgiving him for any of it

OP posts:
Original poster
Jordan4531 · 16/04/2018 15:26

Thank you everyone

OP posts:
Somewhereovertherainbow13 · 16/04/2018 15:35

You’ve nothing to be ashamed of and actually it’s a positive thing that your daughter is that comfortable with her teacher.

I’m not sure if it’s common practise everywhere but in my experience if there is a dv incident at a house with children the school are informed anyway.

Hope you are both ok x x

Juells · 16/04/2018 15:44

I think it's helpful when abuse isn't hidden away. I met a woman at the school gate whom I hardly knew, and said to her "My god, what happened your eye?" thinking she'd fallen over or something, and she said "My husband punched me". I reeled in shock, but realised she was absolutely right. Victims feeling the shame allows abusers to keep up the pretence in public that they're lovely people.

SomeKnobend · 16/04/2018 15:44

He was a shit and you kicked him out. If anything they'll be thinking bloody good on you. Keep your head up and be proud.