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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely mortified

64 replies

Jordan4531 · 16/04/2018 14:58

My husband hurt me on Saturday and trashed our house, my 7 year old has gone to school and told her teacher what happened. I don't blame her at all. I've already involved the police and social services have called and are all satisfied that this was an isolated incident and that I've told my husband to stay away till her gets help with his anger/depression and stress. But now I've had the headteacher on the phone to me to ask about it all and make sure we are ok which I know is lovely but now that means all of her teachers now know and I can't face them. She said it during a group activity which means her class mates will have heard and will tell their parents which means they will know and I live in a tiny village. Everyone knows everyone and everyone gossips. How am I meant to face going out, taking her to school, her karate lessons, playgroup with my youngest? I've had to get my MIL to collect my eldest as in just can't face her teachers now.

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 16/04/2018 15:44

you're doing great so far OP, well done.

Keep doing what you're doing, be there for your DC and try and confide in a close friend/family member. People surprise you in these situations and are there for you in ways you never would’ve imagined. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Strugglingtodomybest · 16/04/2018 15:45

You are such a strong woman, many don't call the police or chuck out their partners after the first time. You've absolutely done the right thing here and anyone who gossips about you should be ashamed of themselves.
I know it's easier said than done (I live in a small village too), but get out there with your head held high. Make eye contact and do not be ashamed, it's not your fault.

frasier · 16/04/2018 15:45

You are the role model for your little girl. You have done exactly the right thing. It must be horrible and heartbreaking but now you have to take a deep breath and show her that she's got a strong mum who can hold her head up in the village.

Believe me, the teachers would have heard similar and worse before and as a pp said, some people will have been through it. You would be surprised, even in a small place.

FrenchJunebug · 16/04/2018 15:47

I am sure they do not pity you. They are just concerned.

somersetsoul · 16/04/2018 15:50

Everyone will rally round to help you and support you and dd. Don't feel ashamed at all. They've all been trained in how to deal with these circumstances and I'm very sure they have had to before. Confidentiality means they can't discuss it with others anyway.

💐 for you. Keep being strong x

bigbluebus · 16/04/2018 16:00

So sorry you're going through this.
You live in a village - yes some will talk about you others will gossip but they will very quickly get bored and move onto something/someone else.
Try not to hide away. Go out and hold your head up high - you've done nothing wrong. If you hide away they are more likely to invent further details to explain why you are not out and about.

frasier · 16/04/2018 16:10

It sounds counterintuitive but the more you are out there, the less any gossip is associated with you. People who have only half heard something will dismiss it or forget it.

XJerseyGirlX · 16/04/2018 16:14

I don't think people will think bad of you because you have thrown him out and told him to seek help.

I think they would think bad of you if you allow your daughter to be around this man and witness this kind of damaging behaviour

You've done the right thing, so did your daughter

OnTheRise · 16/04/2018 16:24

You've been really brave in making him leave; you've done all the right things. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. He's the one who has been abusive, not you.

Please don't feel bad about this. If people are kind to you, let them. They're doing it because they recognise that you've been treated badly and they want to do what little they can to make amends. You could find out you have more friends than you realised.

Hold your head high. Ask a few people round for a cup of tea, and have a nice time. All will be well.

CheeseyToast · 16/04/2018 16:39

You are probably still in shock, and have a lot whirling around in your head.

Try not to let other people be your focus; what matters is that you and your daughter are safe and are able to take time to come to terms with what has happened.

Do you have good friends and family to support you?

I get the impression that the plan is for your husband to return once he's signed up for some sort of help; is that right or have I misinterpreted?

I went through an incident some years back and social services contacted school. I was mortified but actually school was very supportive. At first I felt like everyone knew but in time realised they didn't. And I also realised that the school deals with all kinds of stuff and that people have short memories. It's a lot to get your head around.

BottleBeach · 16/04/2018 17:15

If, as you believe, all those teachers and parents now know what happened, I guarantee you that at least one of them will have experienced, or be experiencing, something similar behind closed doors. By responding as you have done, setting a good example to your daughter and keeping her safe, you may well have inspired someone else to do the same.

If my DS was in your DD’s class, I would feel nothing but admiration and respect for you right now Flowers

Korg · 16/04/2018 17:24

Chin up, and any time you feel yourself blushing or ashamed, listen for the cheering. That’s us, in the background.Flowers

Serialweightwatcher · 16/04/2018 17:26

People will feel bad for you and want to help you more than likely - as for your 7 year old, it must have scared her a lot and she probably doesn't want to upset you but needed to speak to someone - she did the right thing and you need to accept help if it's offered

SilverySurfer · 16/04/2018 17:26

I'm so dreadfully sorry OP, and hope you and your DC are ok.

You must be feeling like hell but please don't waste a minute feeling mortified - that should be what your 'D'H is feeling. Hold your head up high - you have done nothing wrong.

Wishing you all the very best Flowers

Flatwhite32 · 16/04/2018 17:39

@Jordan4531 oh you poor thing. I am a primary teacher, and I can reassure you that many of us deal with incidents like this a lot. I have even been on a child protection panel in my career, and liaise with social workers when needed. We are here to support you, not pity you. I promise. X

blackteasplease · 16/04/2018 17:41

I know how you feel. Not quite as bad but my ea stbxh has caused me to feel so much shame over how it's affected my dd and the school knowing and being involved.

Have had to really swallow my pride about the whole thing. Pps are right though - nothing for you to be ashamed of!

Jozxyqk · 16/04/2018 18:01

If my DD had said this to me about the parent of someone in her class, I would think: well done that woman (or man) for having boundaries & sticking up for themselves & their child. It is not you, in this situation, that is the pitiful one. You sound like an excellent role model for your DD, and I bet a lot of the people who hear what has happened, think so too.

Wolfiefan · 16/04/2018 18:04

My husband's not an abuser? He is if he hurt you. Please don't seek to justify or make excuses for his behaviour. There are none.

2andcountingtodate · 16/04/2018 19:21

Its good she felt able to say it and even better that you made him leave. Now if she is ever unlucky enough to have a partner who tries to abuse her, she has seen the best thing to do.

Certcert · 16/04/2018 19:56

What an awful situation. Ignore the gossips, they'll have something else to gossip about next week.

Go out with your head high. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You did the right thing and you and your daughter are safe Flowers

AnneTwackie · 16/04/2018 19:56

As a teacher i’d say don’t be embarrassed about the teachers knowing, all they’ll feel is concern for you and Dd as long as you’re keeping them in the loop. If you withdraw that’s when they’ll worry. If it were me i’d get back in there as soon as possible with your head held high, ask for a quiet word and thank her for her sensitive response, if there was one, tell her you’re glad dd felt able to talk to someone and tell her she’s welcome to get in touch if she ever has any concerns. Well done on keeping yourself and your daughter safe and raising a little girl who’s not afraid to speak out!

AnneTwackie · 16/04/2018 19:58

They are part of your support network too!

Slyvestersmouth · 16/04/2018 20:06

I know everyone has already said this, but you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. He does. Not you. I understand why you feel the way you do, but honestly if you'd heard that about another mother at the school, you wouldn't think badly of her would you? Of course not.

And trust me, I grew up in a household with abuse, and was always told never to tell anyone our family business. That kind of attitude I think is really harmful, so to me it's great your dd wasn't afraid to talk about it. You sound like a fantastic and caring mum and a strong person. I'm sorry he did this to you. Flowers

Flexoset · 16/04/2018 20:06

I really think you should be proud of yourself, because your daughter feels safe enough to talk about this and knows it's not some terrible secret or something to be ashamed of. So many poor kids might not feel secure enough to do that.

You have obviously been doing the right thing and I think everyone is going to respect that.

April229 · 16/04/2018 20:16

OP hold your head up and be proud of how you have handled this. You have done what loads of the other mums would like to think they would do if their partner did this.

Note also, however small that village is there at least one child being abused and more dv than you know about which the victims are too scared to share.

But you should t say he’s not an abuser, he hurt you. You can say he doesn’t have a history of abusing you and that this was the first time if that’s the case, but as of Saturday he became and abuser.