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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be absolutely mortified

64 replies

Jordan4531 · 16/04/2018 14:58

My husband hurt me on Saturday and trashed our house, my 7 year old has gone to school and told her teacher what happened. I don't blame her at all. I've already involved the police and social services have called and are all satisfied that this was an isolated incident and that I've told my husband to stay away till her gets help with his anger/depression and stress. But now I've had the headteacher on the phone to me to ask about it all and make sure we are ok which I know is lovely but now that means all of her teachers now know and I can't face them. She said it during a group activity which means her class mates will have heard and will tell their parents which means they will know and I live in a tiny village. Everyone knows everyone and everyone gossips. How am I meant to face going out, taking her to school, her karate lessons, playgroup with my youngest? I've had to get my MIL to collect my eldest as in just can't face her teachers now.

OP posts:
Goodasgoldilox · 16/04/2018 20:39

Well done on bringing up your daughter to have boundaries in exactly the right place.

You have shown her that no-one has the right to abuse another person and that what happened is a matter that she need not feel any shame or embarrassment about (and so can freely tell anyone she wants to).

Talking about it as she has might well liberate others in her school. Secret abuse is much more common than you'd think - even in the 'nicest' of villages.

Now, can you get her to help you feel the same way?

Pigflewpast · 16/04/2018 20:41

OP you HAVE to hold your head high for your daughter. You and she have both been amazingly strong to this point. If you hide away now it's the opposite message to her. You've got through the worst, the abuse, the police, social services, the school, so now stay strong and walk into the playground for your daughter, how ever hard it is, you have to, and you Can do it, you've showed that by your actions to now.
I totally understand how hard it is, my dd went to a village school, but you are strong and you can do it

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 16/04/2018 20:47

OP, I've been through something very similar and the school were amazing - does yours have a pastoral support person who can give your daughter some one on one time? That really helped my DC to have half an hour each week to talk to someone who they didn't have to worry about upsetting, and who was removed from their home life.

You've done the right thing, as scared and vulnerable as you feel right now. You've been incredibly brave, but you're going to have to keep that up now for a while until things settle back down. The thing to remember is that your daughter needs you to be there, be reliable, to keep soldiering on for her. She must feel very unsettled, but seeing you being there at the school gates every day will help her. You'll always put her first - you've shown that - and you have to back it up not just with what you say, but what you do. You must be an incredibly strong woman to have phoned the Police first time this happened - most women don't.

If possible, could you ask the officer dealing with your case to put you in touch with a local domestic violence charity? They can offer counselling, practical support, even just someone to hand you tissues when you need to sob for an hour or two.

I promise you it will pass, all of this. And most people won't gossip or pity you. They might share the story, but people can be so incredibly kind when you don't expect them to be. Sending you huge hugs - I've been exactly where you are now, and it is so hard. But if I got through it, so can you (doesn't mean I didn't cry my own bodyweight of tears at times though, and wail 'I can't do this!' quite a lot).

Jordan4531 · 16/04/2018 20:48

Thank you everyone. You're right, as of Saturday he became an abuser. He does acknowledge his behaviour and is seeking help and knows until he has done that there is no contact other than text or phone which from myself has been blunt.
My daughter is an amazingly out going child, my youngest is also fine luckily. The thing that worries me the worst is when my eldest goes to her biological father's house on Wednesday and repeats what she did to the teacher. Naturally he is allowed to be concerned and voice those concerns but I know that's not what will happen. I'm just a wreck if I'm honest, I'm alone on a night which scares me and just lost as to what to do i.e. day to day activities...
Thank you all so much for your kind words and for giving my head a good wobble, I won't be a victim in denial of what happened and I won't make excuses or down play the event. I know much worse could have happened and does to others but what happened to me and my girls is enough for me to put my foot down and be strong, even if it kills me

OP posts:
BottleBeach · 16/04/2018 21:09

If at all possible, I would recommend for you to let your daughter’s father know what happened before he sees her on Wednesday.

He doesn’t need to know all the details, but I’m sure he would rather hear it from you and know straight away that you have taken action to protect her, rather than be caught off guard by her telling him, and her being exposed to his understandable worry/anger.

RandomWordsStuckTogether · 16/04/2018 21:17

You never know, you might have inspired a couple of others to kick their abusive husbands out too.

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 16/04/2018 21:23

My Ex was abusive to me. The police were involved after the most significant incident but I didn't take it further. He was depressed and stressed and I was worried about him self-harming.

He did something similar a few months later (after we'd split up) to one of his female friends and was arrested, charged and convicted. He escaped going to prison but was tagged and there were loads of conditions set.

I do feel he got away with what he did to me. I think I could have easily got him sent to prison because he did far worse things to me than his female friend. There is no real acknowledgement of what he did to me. It's all played down. I think if I had acted then his female friend would not have been at risk. But I'm mostly happy with how I dealt with it all.

At the time I felt very paranoid and took innocent remarks the wrong way. I assumed everyone knew and was talking about it. I was shocked to find out recently that a friend who supported me at the time and was a huge gossip had not told any of our friends. I was talking about the support I got to someone else and they had no idea. For me it was a huge event but most people had their own things going on or forgot very quickly. There was a fire and then someone cheated and got their car vandalised. It quickly became old news.

lunar1 · 16/04/2018 21:27

Please tell your ex before she goes there. Otherwise she is going to see his immediate reaction to a violent man in his daughters home. He needs the chance to get the full story so he can process it before he sees her.

I know it's hard and I'm so sorry you are going through this.

WellThisIsShit · 17/04/2018 02:34
Flowers
Mightymucks · 17/04/2018 07:22

I wouldn’t pity you. I would pity you if you’d done nothing and let him stay. But you didn’t, I would admire you for doing the right thing. It’s not an easy thing to do, what you have done.

BottleBeach · 19/04/2018 11:40

I hope it all went ok with your DD’s visit last night OP.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 19/04/2018 19:35

I wouldn't pity you. I would be very glad you were okay and admire you for kicking the fucker out and protecting your child.

bonnyshide · 19/04/2018 20:18

I would also find you inspirational for kicking him out, you'd have my respect. Not pity. I would be supportive but also respect your privacy.

leighdinglady · 19/04/2018 20:24

Turn that 'pity' in to admiration by getting out and about and holding your head high. Make them say 'wow, what an amazing woman! Look how great she's handling this and looking after DC!'

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