I’ve just lost it with my best friend

[Maybellissimo]

My sister is staying with me at the moment due to her dh being an utterly disgusting, lying, cheating, sex pervert pig. I posted about the whole sorry affair on relationships. Anyway my tolerance is low right now and I’ve just lost my shit with my best friend of 20 years. She has been sleeping with this married guy for six months (she’s married too) and he is clearly using her for sex and treating her terribly but she keeps going back for more. She came over today crying about how hurt she is as he is ignoring her currently and I went batshit, called her a selfish bastard and asked her to leave. I don’t want to see her again. His wife is pregnant with their third child and I can’t associate myself with someone who has the morals of a fucking sewer rat.

Last year I had a month where a lot of truly shit things happened. During that month, a friend who has a loooooooong history of being a snarky, negative jerk sent me a message that typically tried to take the shine off the one good thing that had happened to me.

Because this friend could also be kind and funny and we had a long friendship, I would usually ignore her snarky, back-bitey comments and just privately roll my eyes. But in this instance, like you, I had zero tolerance for bullshit and told her to fuck right off if she couldn't refrain from trying to rain on my parade.

She was quite put out and accused me of taking my bad month out on her. Which, to be fair, had I not already been at the end of my tether, I probably would have just ignored her. I said maybe my tolerance was at zero, but I was sick of her negativity and bitchiness.

A year on, I happened to think of her the other day, and had zero regret about telling her to fuck off, as I have not needed to carry the emotional weight of her self-centred negativity and bitchiness once since then.

There is no rule that says you have to put up with people who start acting in a selfish and horrible way just because you've been friends for a long time. Presumably you would know if there were circumstances that made her behaviour more understandable (eg a controlling/abusive husband, she's trying to save up for a divorce, husband also cheating, etc etc). So give yourself a pat on the back for cutting her off like a gangrenous toe.

Shamelessly - that sounds just like my dreadful ex friend

We all judge each other. All the time.

It’s how society functions.

Anyone who says they never judge is lying.

Anyone who says “you have no right to judge” is an idiot.

Just wait until the affair becomes public, she’ll be on the receiving end of huge amounts of criticism.

He’s married man with a pregnant wife. All his family and friends will hate her.

She’s a married woman. Her DH, all his family and friends will hate her.

Her own family and friends will be deeply disappointed in her and critical of her behaviour. She may lose lots of her friends if they chose to support her DH.

If she thinks this is judgement she is in no way prepared for the weight of the world soon to come crashing down.

OP,
I remember your thread about your poor DS.

Totally understand where you are coming from.

Your Ds comes first

YANBU and good on you for telling her the truth.

Both she and the other man have the "morals" of sewer rats and don't deserve a single piece of sympathy when things aren't plain sailing.

To be honest I would have dumped her a long time ago she deserves no sympathy what she's doing is reprehensible and idgaf if that's judgy I couldn't continue a close friendship with someone doing that as I'd have lost all respect for them

Exactly. I had a married relative who had an affair, and walked out on his wife and children to be with the other woman (relationship later broke up).

Relative and I used to be quite close, but I was/am so disgusted with him that I cut him off immediately. On the plus side, I found a new friend in his ex-wife as we went from being friendly-relatives-by-marriage, to actual friends. Meanwhile, I heard through the grapevine that relative is "disappointed" that most of the extended family (still) won't talk to him. Loser!

I don't like judgemental people. If you've never made a mistake or hurt someone then judge away. I'm not perfect so I don't judge people

FFS, you're judging the OP.

Everybody judges - and you're as bad as the rest of us, who at least openly admit we do it.

All these “Non-judgemental” MNers... I wonder if they blithely swish through life happily remaining friends with people who lie and cheat and hurt others? Are they just doormats who can’t speak out for what’s right?

I wonder how far that non judgement goes?

If it’s ok for your friend to sleep with someone else’s DH, is it still ok for your friend to sleep with your best friend’s DH, or your sisters? What about your own DH? What about your Dad? (Probably not huh?)

I’m not perfect either but I expect my family and friends to pull me up when I let them or myself down.

My friends would be absolutely horrified if I cheated on DH.

Exactly - why is 'not judging' somehow better than not intentionally hurting someone?

Do not waste a further iota of your energy on your hopefully ex best friend. Block her number.
You do not need toxic people in your life.
We need more people like you, OP who call people out on shit behaviour

Let’s hope all these posters who are so non judgemental and condem it in others don’t one day wake up to find their partner has cheated.

Wonder how ‘non judgemental’ they will be feeling then?

OP has every right to look at a situation and decide for herself what is right and what is wrong. It’s what society needs to function.

" You have no right to judge me you know what a shit time I’ve been having I can’t believe you aren’t supporting me’ "

Support her to do what-screw a married man??

If she can't deal with him treating her like shit-she should dump him!

Well done op, that can't have been easy. I too get fed up hearing the same old shite on mumsnet about how only the man should be blamed....yes, hd should be blamed but so too should the woman knowingly sleeping with him and not giving a shit about the wife at home.

"I wonder if they blithely swish through life happily remaining friends with people who lie and cheat and hurt others? Are they just doormats who can’t speak out for what’s right?

I wonder how far that non judgement goes? "

Honestly, it depends so much on circumstances. All affairs are wrong, of course, but a woman who is beaten or emotionally abused by her husband and who has an affair, or someone who has a mental health or personality disorder problem, is in a rather different place to a woman who is just selfish and uncommitted. In many cases there are complexities, grey areas, or extenuating circumstances that mean the wrong-doing isn't as clear-cut as all that. I've never had an affair personally, but I have supported friends through them and in each case I've felt simultaneously angry and frustrated with the person for their actions, but also full of pity for the issues they had, and concern for their future. In a way, that is what love is - choosing to support someone you care about because you care about them. (Emphasis on the 'choice' - if someone has changed and become an arsehole, that support can be legitimately withdrawn too! This is not a criticism of the OP - it is a matter of personal choice!)

I do think the man in question is more to blame, too, because he owes his wife more. To cheat on your wife is not just to lie and deceive and commit adultery - it is talso o break a promise. That promise does not exist for the other woman. It makes a difference. So much of the time, you see the cheated-on party rationalise staying with a liar and a cheat by hating the OW, when really they are manufacturing a kind of cognitive dissonance for themselves that then allows them to stay with the party who has truly wrong them.

*truly wronged them