To say "ENOUGH!"

[pigmcpigface]

Ladies, I think I might be on the verge of having a mini-rebellion.

For years, DH has signed us both up to a number of social events involving his friends and family. Despite the fact that these people don't give a flying fuck about me and would drop me like a stone if DH and I split, it has always been that the work of these events falls largely on my shoulders- the cleaning, the washing, the shopping, the organising and preparation of food and events - you name it.

The people involved, especially his family, just expect that all this will be done as a matter of course, because, well, I am the wife. We were recently at a family event, and BIL's partner and I had done literally 90% of the work. "We married well!" BIL said to DH. And the penny suddely dropped about the way that these expectations worked.

DH works more hours and earns more money than I do. He has a much better career. I am not doing as well, but I do have a job, and I'm trying to build a career outside of it also. I have ambitions that I desperately want to achieve. Each time he signs us up to something, it eats into the time and energy I have to do this. So as not to drip-feed, I also feel like there is an element of something a bit abusive about the expectation that I will do these things, because his parents behave pretty badly to me.

AIBU to say "Enough is enough!" I will continue to try to balance his hours/wage with mine by doing more than a 50% share of the housework, but if he wants to do these extra events, then it's up to him to take on 100% of the work associated therewith? He can also look after his own family cards and presents. I'm not going to remind him, nag him, or do that work for him any more. I realise this will make me persona non grata in his family, but I'm pretty much treated that way already, and at least with this decision I get my time back.

I've been partly inspired by this article:

caringlabor.wordpress.com/2010/09/15/silvia-federici-wages-against-housework/

which has given me a sudden rush of blood to the head.

AIBU to do this? Are there things I haven't considered?

OP I wish you every success in sorting out your DH. His behaviour is unacceptable and he is really lucky you have done all the work up until now. It's time to put yourself first, not him or his bloody awful family.

Although your letter IS long, I think it's excellent and there's no duplication. Would it be worth trying to talk with him first then if he checks out of the conversation, just hand him the letter?

I 100% agree that you are not asking for his permission, you are TELLING him.

Very best of luck

Well done op. It’s good that you feel calm. It seems that you’ve made a rational and well thought decision rather than an impulsive one.

It doesn’t mean that your dh misses out on family gatherings.
We used to do a lot for family get togethers to and it got a bit much. Now, it’s totally normal for everyone to chip in for a take away or bring a dish.

I also know people who do a lot for their family and get no thanks or respect for it and in fact, they’re expected to do it and taken for granted. It’s so wrong. Glad you’re stopping.

I already sent the re-written letter as an email! But thanks for your advice anyway, StormTreader - I'll bear it in mind for future interactions.

Oh let us know if he replies. Good luck!

OP you don't need any indication that he understands how you feel about this. To seek his understanding is akin to seeking his permission to feel the way you do. All you need to do is plough on with your new stance regardless - it will be your actions not your words that will make him understand your new position. It'll then be up to him how he reacts to the new status quo.

OP, I’m surprised you’ve carried on doing this for so long. It’s out of order. And having to put up with his family who don’t like you and your DH who is treating you like dirt.

I personally would be questioning my relationship if I were you.

Ah you’re the ready meal poster! Hope your weekend wasn’t too dreadful.

You can write as many letters as you want, but the key thing is your actions.

You can write as many letters as you want, but the key thing is your actions.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

He has been probably built up the spheres of truth to cope with his bullying parents, where appeasement is second nature.

I would warn you that without him wanting to challenge and change this, then it will not happen.

All you can do is change the sphere you are in from unappreciated doormat to lazy bitch who doesn't give a damn and be comfortable in your new role as others look on in horror. You need to reclaim your truth and he will have to accept it (eventually)

Or carry on as your and get used to really starting to hate yourself. All self respect and self esteem a thing of the past.

I'm concerned about the 'lazy bitch' references. I get what posters are trying to say - that the OP shouldn't be concerned what others think - but at the same time she shouldn't feel that attitude is in any way warranted from anyone and especially not from her husband. Not being a doormat isn't about being a lazy bitch and far from being comfortable in that role she should take the attitude, IMO, that she absolutely isn't a lazy bitch and that no one has any right to think that of her.

It wouldn't he the worst thing in the world if you were direct with you ILs, thus removing his ability to portray you dishonestly.

sphagetti

Don't be concerned about the references, it is said in a lighthearted way and not in a serious way. It was a way to say to reinforce that her PIL etc can say what they like, but she still isn't budging one inch. I would have thought that was obvious

Let us know your DHs response.
I'm looking into my crystal ball and I see....
A lot of baffled and confused expressions.
He thought you didn't mind, or even enjoyed doing it.
Bewilderment as to why you feel this way.
A token gesture to make you feel valued.
A sad expression as he offers to cancel this weekend - but not an offer to step up and sort it out.
A few days of small additional effort.

And then - of course - a return to the status quo.....

Any response to your email yet?

Just coming in to give you all a quick update. Rather to my shock, DH cancelled all his meetings and came home from work on getting my email - highly unexpected knock on the door at about 3.

We are talking. He is concerned/upset/mortified. He agreed it was exploitative to expect me to arrange everything and that he would sort things out in future. We spoke a bit about inlaws, and agreed he will handle the work in future with me around only for parts of the day/as much social contact with them as I can manage. He agrees 100% that the way I'm spoken to is not on - he thinks his mother dislikes me and is trying to compete in some strange way by giving patronising advice or saying things that are undermining. I said that she doesn't have to like me, but I do expect to be treated with ordinary civility, and not spoken to like a child (and when I say 'like a child' I really do mean that she treats me like a 12 year old. It's very unsettling).

Getting to the heart of the issue of why he's struggling to listen to me/why he's not hearing what I say is proving more difficult. He honestly doesn't seem to know. He is suggesting counselling as a route forward to ensure that he 'hears' me properly, this may be a good plan.

We will keep talking. Thanks all for the advice and help. I am determined to make this a new start! I've had a lot of knockbacks over the last 10 years - 70% not my fault (health problems etc), 30% poor decisions for which I'm fully responsible - but I am determined to rebuild my life from here.

It's a good sign that he came home to talk. The cynic in me says please make sure the counselling actually happens - don't let it be one of those things he says he'll do but doesn't get around to.
Also be very aware of slipping back into your old role - it's not enough for him to say he'll do it, see if he actually does. This includes putying his mum back in her box when she is rude and not jyst throeing you under the bus.
You have to watch his actions more than his words. But yes, it is good that he cared enough to get home and talk to you.

I think that response is more than we expected. Fingers crossed it leads to real change.

That's really positive news pigmcpigface, I am pleased for you.

Agree get counselling booked sooner rather than later and do not re-pick up the arrangement for the cottage weekend, or indeed attend.

I'd be rather cautious about the ILs - sounds at the minute as if its convenient for both of you to blame ILs for everything when they're really just a symptom rather than the root cause.

I'd also insist that he arrange something just for you - including a gift - for your 40th birthday that was overlooked. If there is no money for that now, then tell him you need him to save up for it - just as you saved up money that ended up being used for his trip with his pals and his DMs birthday weekend away (sorry this was in previous thread for those who don't know back history).

I think you also need to remember this afternoon and remember you do have power and he doesn't want to lose you, so don't agree to do stuff you don't want to.

I don't think you should organise counselling or a weekend away or anything.

THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT is that you ALWAYS organise EVERYTHING so if he has any interest at all in tipping the scales anywhere near level then he'll engage his own initiative and do what he's promised.

If you help or remind, you're enabling the same shitty behaviour you've just called him out on.

OP, have you ever taken a look at the CaptainAwkward blog? I've found it really useful when dealing with difficult or demanding people: you might find it helpful too.

You deserve a years-long holiday after all you've done, you really do. I hope your husband starts pulling his weight now. And that you get the recognition you deserve.

No, I've never heard of Captain Awkward. I love me an advice column though so I will enjoy reading this!

And yes - or rather no - I am absolutely NOT organising anything to do with this. Ball is firmly in DH's court. I need time and energy to reclaim my time and energy. I suspect that it will be superficially easy to decide to plough my own furrow a bit more, but actually quite hard to notice all the times that I normally leap in to help others with theirs. I know it sounds strange, but I feel a bit lost with the enormity of my own destiny. It's actually psychologically easier for me to pour time and energy into others in the short term, though in the long term it makes me frustrated and miserable. So I am having to self-police a bit too.

DH is actually organising a nice meal for the two of us together too - spontaneously, his suggestion. I've asked him to do it after this weekend and after the first counselling session so we can use it as a marker of a new start.

I am definitely not going this weekend either. BIL's partner has been in touch with small talk, but is clearly actually checking I'm OK having heard I'm not going. That's nice of him. I feel cared for. He does an enormous amount of organising work for these weekends too, and is very much caught in the same dynamic of being hurt/upset by PIL. I think we probably need to build something of a united front.

I've been thinking about this recently - the fact that it requires energy to change direction or focus on your career etc.

Don't forget that you are also allowed time to chill. To just be. You don't have to devote every moment to either other peoples needs or your career....there is space for a third option!

The other thing is that although it is obvious that you were doing far too much for others, this isn't something you need to go cold turkey on. It maybe that you derive pleasure in the moment from helping others, and in smaller amounts that could be very good for you. It could give you the energy to spend time on your career development, as long as it isnt overwhelming as it has been.

You may have to go cold turkey with your DH, or it will not make the clear break needed to stop the behaviour continuing...and you'd be mad to do anything for inlaws! But friends and others, occasionally, could improve the amount of time and energy you have for future planning.

Maybe work out which jobs really are drudgery and which ones you get something from?

DH is actually organising a nice meal for the two of us together too - spontaneously, his suggestion. I've asked him to do it after this weekend and after the first counselling session so we can use it as a marker of a new start

It's good he came home to talk to you, but please don't let this be a nice dinner in a restaurant, followed by back to normal .........

And why wait? I suggest you say "Look I meant everything I said in my email. Our new start is from TODAY". Perhaps sit down together to make up a rota for who does what. If it's his turn to cook dinner, then don't come to the rescue if he "forgets".

morphene - I definitely am not going to stop doing everything for others (how would that even be possible?!) - I have my own friends and family! But I am going to divide labour in our household, so that DH deals with the stuff connected to his family. I'm not going to have him volunteering my labour in future - if he wants to do something with these people, he needs to organise it and do the heavy lifting. I am never again going to be placed in a position like his mother's 70th, where I've worked like hell to organise something for someone who is not only completely ungrateful but who treats me like crap. Her husband, or her sons need to step in, as competent adults.

This very much starts now allthegood. It's just that I don't want the meal marking the start to take place before this coming weekend, because this weekend away with schoolfriends is a kind of symbol of the problem between us. (As I said, I'm not going - this is unusual and will draw a strong boundary). Once it's out of the way I feel like we can regroup much more effectively. We have also agreed that, barring illness, we won't be seeing PIL until Christmas time.

That's cool pig. I'm sure you will get the balance right for you!

I didn't want you to through the baby out with the bath water as they say....