To say "ENOUGH!"

[pigmcpigface]

Ladies, I think I might be on the verge of having a mini-rebellion.

For years, DH has signed us both up to a number of social events involving his friends and family. Despite the fact that these people don't give a flying fuck about me and would drop me like a stone if DH and I split, it has always been that the work of these events falls largely on my shoulders- the cleaning, the washing, the shopping, the organising and preparation of food and events - you name it.

The people involved, especially his family, just expect that all this will be done as a matter of course, because, well, I am the wife. We were recently at a family event, and BIL's partner and I had done literally 90% of the work. "We married well!" BIL said to DH. And the penny suddely dropped about the way that these expectations worked.

DH works more hours and earns more money than I do. He has a much better career. I am not doing as well, but I do have a job, and I'm trying to build a career outside of it also. I have ambitions that I desperately want to achieve. Each time he signs us up to something, it eats into the time and energy I have to do this. So as not to drip-feed, I also feel like there is an element of something a bit abusive about the expectation that I will do these things, because his parents behave pretty badly to me.

AIBU to say "Enough is enough!" I will continue to try to balance his hours/wage with mine by doing more than a 50% share of the housework, but if he wants to do these extra events, then it's up to him to take on 100% of the work associated therewith? He can also look after his own family cards and presents. I'm not going to remind him, nag him, or do that work for him any more. I realise this will make me persona non grata in his family, but I'm pretty much treated that way already, and at least with this decision I get my time back.

I've been partly inspired by this article:

caringlabor.wordpress.com/2010/09/15/silvia-federici-wages-against-housework/

which has given me a sudden rush of blood to the head.

AIBU to do this? Are there things I haven't considered?

mummy - that is seriously helpful, thank you. I've done some googling but failed to find anything on this. I think it's not about the stress in his daily life but about a pattern of reacting (or rather, not reacting) to conflict. His parents are real controlling bullies, and I think this goes back a loooooong way.

I don't know, but I think DH will read the letter, and he won't offer a counter or any kind of rebuttal. He will probably try to apologise, repeat back to me what I've said and to assure me that he will take measures to change things. He will probably also say he wants to 'treat' me, as if that could somehow make up for how things are. BUT if someone else asked him to repeat what I had said - for example, when BIL asks why I'm not attending the event for his friends next weekend - he'll give a skewed or strange version that will have wiped his responsibility. So it will become 'pig isn't happy about money being spent on other people, and she feels a bit pushed around by our parents, which isn't very nice for her'.

I think you're spot on in your assessment of how he'll respond. Which begs the question - what's the point?

If his parents are controlling bullies, he and bil and using you and sil as shields.

You can’t control what he tells bil. Don’t concern yourself with this.

If he can't stay awake for a debate then don't have one.

Just stop doing it, he may stay awake long enough to notice.

Ok, so you have reliably identified the approach that he will use to try to get you back in line. He will construct a narrative that makes you look bad to his family/friends.

So you must arm yourself against this - the most effective way is by NOT CARING.

Repeat to yourself:

"What these people think about me is none of my business"
"My real friends know what I am really like"
"It doesn't matter if not every one likes me".

Also, you have said yourself that his family already dislike/are mean to you - their good opinion is not really a loss, is it?

If there is a particular family member/friend who you do like and are close to, you can consider telling them the real story, but I think it is a waste of your effort to try to counteract the lies he will tell/get in front with your own version. Anyone who is close to you will probably get in touch with you to see what's up and you can give them a pithy summary like "I just wasn't in the mood to organise yet another party for DH. Anyway, how are you?"

Oh and I googled “instant fall asleep stress” to get the result.

I get the feeling DH and friends won't enjoy their weekend quite as much as usual.

I also suggest low to no contact with his parents, you really do not have to put up this bullshit. If she is horrible to you tell him you won't see them anymore.

You are an adult and can choose who you see.

I sent emails/texts argued till I was blue in the face and eventually I just did it - totally disengaged. It is most powerful to do it and attend events but sit and do nothing - when prompted just smile and say you're having a rest but I had to avoid events for a while.

He won't listen until you take action, and when you do you will be labelled a bitch. Just stop caring - it's so freeing :)

ARDwolves advice further back in the thread was absolutely brilliant!

I think he'll see that letter as waffle, TBH.

My BF does everything for everyone and never gets thanked, and I'm forever telling her (meanly!) that nobody expects me to do anything because they know I don't give a shit, and wouldn't do it. There's no point in 'cutting down' on the work, it has to be cut out completely so everyone accepts you're an unaccommodating bitch.

i like your letter. I would send it as it is

Being an unaccommodating bitch with a hint of lazy as hell is wonderful.

Celebrate every minute you are sitting there doing absolutely fuck all. Dont give your energy away, let others do the talking, the cleaning, be very good at resting.

Smile and drink wine and go to bed with a headache.

Press repeat with occasional sprinkling of reminders that this is something he chooses to do, and something you would rather not do.

Two wee comments OP (apart from the big one that this is totally the way to go, nice one):
You need a headline that he can fall back on as an explanation - one to replace the resentment that he has mentioned in the past. It shouldn't matter, but I think it might as time passes and you find yourself having to defend your position to friends.
Secondly, the reason you are calm is because this is absolutely the right thing for you to be doing - like you've fallen upon the answer.
Good luck!

I like your letter too.

Finish with I am not doing this anymore.

Then you inform SIL if your decision, then down tools either by not being there, and when you are, you are there as a guest (even in your own home) and not the host. Do not pour wine, carry coats or ask anyone if they need anything. Sit and drink wine and enjoy the evening as everyone does every single time. Congratulate Dh on his cooking and organising as you would anyone else.

Do not get drawn into arguements. Be esp alert around christmas.

Eg

Dh: what are we doing for christmas?
you: I don't know, haven't thought about it, I will leave it with you

dh: Its my mothers birthday
me: thats lovely, have you organised her card and present

dh: I thought we could do a nice dinner for her
me: I am sure she would love to try your cooking (again) let me know what you have organised and I will try and be there.

dh: My parents are upset they are never invited anymore
me: That is a shame, oh well, we all have busy lives I am sure they understand.

Dh: Whats for dinner?
me: I was going to ask you the very same question, its your turn tonight

"He will construct a narrative that makes you look bad to his family/friends."

You're spot on that this is what he is doing.

I don't know whether he realises fully that it is what he is doing.

Again, please bear in mind I'm not naive. I've been around my share of men who have lied and cheated.

However, I think in this case it's more complex than simple volition. I can't think of a clever way of explaining this, only a clumsy one. Bear with me.

I think we have a 'truth' in our house, which is an open acknowledgement that PIL are awful and that the family dynamic is not healthy. However, I think there are different 'truths' in BIL's house (where PIL are 'difficult but don't mean to be so, and the right thing to do is to humour them' and in PIL's house, where control and bullying are just how things are, and we are all about 10 in their mind). And DH doesn't 'export' our truth to these other environments. He tries to find a half-way house, some borderland where our truth and their truth can exist without conflict. Even if that means throwing me under the bus and accepting his parents speaking to me as you would to a recalcitrant dog. I think it is about conflict avoidance more than anything. But it's still not OK.

I think something similar is happening with work, incidentally. Work is another truth-regime (or several truth regimes) and sometimes these don't accord at home. He moves between these spheres, each of which has different rules and different truths, but instead of being himself in each of them, he tries to adapt to them. The trouble is that fairly often, I end up paying a high price for this either in terms of how I am viewed, or more directly in terms of losing out on opportunities.

Sorry, I agree with previous posters on the letter - its far too long for a proven non-listener to read and really take in.
I would instead write something like

"DH,

I have come to realise that my career, my landmark events and my priorities have been put on the back-burner for too long in favour of yours and your families. From now on, I will be refocusing my energy towards getting my own career and interests back on track so they are back on a par with yours.

This means that unfortunately I'll no longer have the spare time available to organise X and Y events, I'm sure the other people attending can easily pick these things up between them.

I have full confidence in your support and abilities to make whatever adjustments are necessary to help this happen so that we can move forwards with a much more equal and fulfilling work/home/life balance.

Love
Pig"

I'd say you're probably right with the idea of multiple truths - I think a lot of people get caught in that sort of web of appeasement - my DH did to a certain extent. It's great that you can understand it. But it doesn't mean that you have to put up with any of it, ever. You get that don't you?

When will you be giving it to him?

Spaghetti - I am beginning to get it. I think I get it completely, but I suspect it percolates down to levels of habit - in deed and thought - that I don't even realise exist and will take time to change. However, I do feel like this is a moment of change. I am NOT doing this type of organizing of parties, get-togethers, or family events any more. I am NOT being spoken to like a child by his parents any more either.

But it's more than this. I need some indication that he understands how I have felt about this, and I need the slippage around borders of these truth-worlds to stop. If he can't do that, then I am going to have to think seriously about whether we have a future together.

I already sent the re-written letter as an email! But thanks for your advice anyway, StormTreader - I'll bear it in mind for future interactions.

Well done on your decision! Hope you are brave enough to stick to your guns. It will probably make him think twice about having the events in the first place.

Some people are good at avoiding doing any work as they know that they will always be saddled with it later while others sits, lazy about and even critisize. I learnt it a bit late but better late that never. BUT, in my case DH backs me. I wouldn't put up with a DH who had no respect for me after he realised what's going on. Good luck!

I wouldn't get into the general gender inequality - he will just tune out and dismiss you. Keep it relevant to his behaviour specifically.

I disagree that he is constructing a narrative to make the OP look bad. I think he is constructing a narrative that he thinks will be socially acceptable to whoever he is with.

He thinks his friends will accept that his wife thinks they have been taking the piss a bit and has hence refused to come this time - he probably thinks they will accept this because they all know they have indeed been piss taking in the past.

With family he will make a story that will be acceptable to his brothers view of his parents...or even his parents view of themselves.

He is extremely conflict averse!

I actually don't think this is a massive problem.

The inlaws already treat the OP like shit - I don;t think it really matters what story they choose to tell themselves. They are irrelevant. Let DP keep his peace with his brother as long as he really understand deep down that it is a story and not the truth.

The friends, well they know they've been taking the piss...they don't know about the rest of the dynamic and they don't know about the shit inlaws. I don't think they need to. There is still plenty of space to come back to a situation where all the friends pitch in more in the future. Maybe the DP can get to a place where he tells them, I can't do this so often I need to find space/time/money to do more with my family (immediate, not shit inlaws), and take ownership of that decision rather than push it on the OP?

Sorry OP. See you've already sent it. My phone went glitchy and I didn't see your post.

I hear you re the habits - it's easy to get sucked in to a particular dynamic. My DH and I got to a similar crunch point (around slightly different issues) and he did start to get the message but then asked me to help him to overcome the issues he had. Now one of my main complaints was that I was expected to do everything for everyone, regardless of how exhausted I was (and I was exhausted) - yet, he still expected me to be the one to figure out how he could be a better husband. I was nearly sucked in for a minute, then I told him in no uncertain terms that if he felt he wasn't doing a good enough job he could figure out how to do things better because absolutely no fucker in the world had ever figured anything out for me! I had to resist, resist, resist his constant habitual attempts to get me to take back on the role of his caretaker. He eventually got it but boy was it bloody hard work. He's like a different person now.