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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say "ENOUGH!"

130 replies

pigmcpigface · 16/04/2018 11:19

Ladies, I think I might be on the verge of having a mini-rebellion.

For years, DH has signed us both up to a number of social events involving his friends and family. Despite the fact that these people don't give a flying fuck about me and would drop me like a stone if DH and I split, it has always been that the work of these events falls largely on my shoulders- the cleaning, the washing, the shopping, the organising and preparation of food and events - you name it.

The people involved, especially his family, just expect that all this will be done as a matter of course, because, well, I am the wife. We were recently at a family event, and BIL's partner and I had done literally 90% of the work. "We married well!" BIL said to DH. And the penny suddely dropped about the way that these expectations worked.

DH works more hours and earns more money than I do. He has a much better career. I am not doing as well, but I do have a job, and I'm trying to build a career outside of it also. I have ambitions that I desperately want to achieve. Each time he signs us up to something, it eats into the time and energy I have to do this. So as not to drip-feed, I also feel like there is an element of something a bit abusive about the expectation that I will do these things, because his parents behave pretty badly to me.

AIBU to say "Enough is enough!" I will continue to try to balance his hours/wage with mine by doing more than a 50% share of the housework, but if he wants to do these extra events, then it's up to him to take on 100% of the work associated therewith? He can also look after his own family cards and presents. I'm not going to remind him, nag him, or do that work for him any more. I realise this will make me persona non grata in his family, but I'm pretty much treated that way already, and at least with this decision I get my time back.

I've been partly inspired by this article:

caringlabor.wordpress.com/2010/09/15/silvia-federici-wages-against-housework/

which has given me a sudden rush of blood to the head.

AIBU to do this? Are there things I haven't considered?

OP posts:
Original poster
pigmcpigface · 16/04/2018 13:27

assburgers - It's difficult to explain. Generally he is caring and supportive. He does try to help out around the house outside of the long hours he has chosen to work, though this doesn't amount to anything like half the work. However, if he does do something unsupportive or unhelpful, he's slow to recognise the impact it has. As I said in my letter, when confronted with it he will tune out - to the point that he will fall asleep for a few seconds. It is REALLY odd. He is genuinely asleep, too. I think it must be some kind of cataplexy.

OP posts:
Spaghettijumper · 16/04/2018 13:27

YY trustybucket. If you're at the point where you have to write someone who supposedly loves you a letter in the hopes they'll stop wiping their feet on you, things are already very bad. That's not to say this isn't salvageable but I don't think trying to explain yourself is going to get you anywhere - you need to get far more serious than that and he needs a major wake up call.

iffyjiffybag · 16/04/2018 13:29

Don't write a long letter, OP, H will see you as confused and trying to justify your position. Make statements that are short, clear and non-negotiable.

Thank very, very clearly about what you want and do not waver. As pp have said H will bring out all his weapons but you must stand absolutely firm, or you will get nowhere and then the next time you stand up for yourself you won't be taken seriously by anyone.

OliviaStabler · 16/04/2018 13:29

I think you need to end with a far stronger statement. State what is going to happen now. He will dismiss the letter otherwise as you simply having a tantrum. Getting your feelings out without stating how things are going to change will not help I'm afraid.

I.e. 'I will no longer cook, clean, organise, shop, host or generally partake in ANY event with your family. And don't think you can sign me up for whatever you like to try and force me into it by embarrassing me into socially conforming. I will not do it. Invite people round and I will simply leave the house and have a day out or a night away. You have been warned.

echidna1 · 16/04/2018 13:31

IMHO this has escalated because his parents 'have never liked you' which has led to a degree of people pleasing; if you did above and beyond the call of duty for them, they would start to like you.......

Get ready to face them all down, especially him - have these answers ready (keep practising to a mate so you get your confidence) and don't engage in any conversation:

  1. Sorry you choose to feel that way (he will fight back)
  2. You are entitled to your opinion - it differs from mine
  3. I can see that you're not happy, but that's the way it's going to be from now on......

I fucking hate bullies Grin

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/04/2018 13:32

Idk if you’re kind of tongue in cheek about cataplexy or that he can’t control falling asleep. If he genuinely does have cataplexy, he should be checked out with an EEG.

problembottom · 16/04/2018 13:32

Good luck OP, you are 100% right to do this so stand firm. The only time DP ever tried it on was after he went away with a group of men on a work trip. They all thought it was scandalous I don’t “look after” him by buying his family’s cards and presents and cooking for them when they visit. I apparently compared very unfavourably with their wives. DP made the mistake of hopefully relaying this to me when he got home... not saying I was pissed off but I refused to so much as wash a pair of his pants for six months.

expatinscotland · 16/04/2018 13:33

'I feel fundamentally deprioritised, too. You have repeatedly found time, money and energy to celebrate your family's events - like your mother’s 70th birthday - but not my 40th. What is more, with finances being as they are, I've not only given up my birthday, but also the chance of a holiday, so you could celebrate with other people. I feel like I just don't matter. '

Jesus wept, he's quite the cunt. And you know, he's already shown you how he's going to handle it: by making you out to be the bad guy (she's pissy about getting no recognition). So let him! You're not angry because you're already past that point.

Since his family and friends don't give a fuck about you, they are no loss to your life at all.

Start living it for you, because he doesn't give a shit about you.

Original poster
pigmcpigface · 16/04/2018 13:33

echidna - I think I have gone way above and beyond the call of duty for them, and they still dislike me. I organised MIL's 70th birthday practically single-handedly, and when we got there she threw her arms around BIL's partner (male) and thanked him, while deliberately ignoring me. I think the opposite is true - the harder I try, the worst I am treated.

I have incorporated all of your suggestions and edits (which are actually remarkably consistent with each other) and sent the email!

OP posts:
Spaghettijumper · 16/04/2018 13:34

Cataplexy my arse. If he really did have cataplexy he'd be 'falling asleep' at work and around his friends but I bet everything I own that he doesn't. He 'falls asleep' because he knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on but he doesn't want to deal with you - you can just be ignored.

Original poster
pigmcpigface · 16/04/2018 13:36

mummy - not tongue in cheek. I'm going to insist he gets a checkup. I do believe that it's involuntary, and it only ever happens if he is confronted with something he should feel guilty about.

problembottom - good for you! Star Exemplary handling of an attempt to make you feel small via competitive comparison!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 16/04/2018 13:38

This is also why I think it's a bad idea for a woman who is on paid maternity leave to start taking over house and lifework 'because you're at home'. Your employer is paying for you to recover from childbirth and look after the baby, not to become a 1950s housewife. And to go back to work no matter what. 'But DH earns more', then he pays a higher proportion of the childcare fees.

He'll push back hard, because he's a bully who believes you are inferior to him.

MrsHathaway · 16/04/2018 13:39

I think the opposite is true - the harder I try, the worst I am treated.

Well then, after a few months of doing fuck all for them you'll be treated like a queen!

Hope things go well with DH. I'm glad the wise posters upthread have given you scripting for his inevitable rebuttals.

Original poster
pigmcpigface · 16/04/2018 13:40

spaghetti - I honestly think it's real. Don't get me wrong, I know guys who would pull a stunt like that! I'm not naive. But I genuinely think he can't stay awake. I have given him hell for falling asleep in the past, when I've felt like it was a combination of rude and utterly dismissive and he's been genuinely upset.

It may not be cataplexy - I am not a medic and I have no expertise in sleep disorders - it could be some other psychological symptom. It is odd, really odd.

OP posts:
FullMetalRabbit · 16/04/2018 13:41

This is the bit that sticks out most to me

I feel like I just don't matter

it sums the whole letter up succinctly

expatinscotland · 16/04/2018 13:43

'spaghetti - I honestly think it's real. Don't get me wrong, I know guys who would pull a stunt like that! I'm not naive. But I genuinely think he can't stay awake. I have given him hell for falling asleep in the past, when I've felt like it was a combination of rude and utterly dismissive and he's been genuinely upset. '

And this is exactly how you fell into this trap to begin with. STOP insisting he see a GP, get checked out, etc. It's obviously not effecting him enough to see to it. He is an adult. He can make his own GP appointment.

If you're going to say 'enough' then you need to mean it.

MirriVan · 16/04/2018 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rocketgirl22 · 16/04/2018 13:43

There is no written rule this has to be a bloodbath. You could do it gradually, gently but absolutely firm.

For instance you absolutely do not organise anything (unless you want to) and when he finally gets around to it, tell him you are busy that he will need to organise and cook this time. No cleaning or washing done by you. He will do it, realise how hard it is and will not be so keen next time. Be gracious and welcoming when his family and friends are at your home, but don't lift a finger. Retire to bed and thank him for a great night.

He will at some point get annoyed that you can gone awol. Simply confirm that you have your new business to focus on and have no time to socialise and organise things, if he has the time - fantastic but you are no longer able to host.

Draw up a rota for housework and stick to dividing up the cooking. There is likely to be resistance but you get this right and you will have a truly equal partnership, one that makes both of you happy and not just him.

dont facilitate anymore

TempusEejit · 16/04/2018 13:45

I agree with MrsHathatway's edit. I took the same approach myself recently when composong an email that I knew the recipient would strongly disagree with - I wrote out everything I wanted to say including the emotion, then trimmed it down to facts only. The problem with including emotion/detailed justifications is that you are inviting a point-by-point rebuttal of your situation.

Another thing, as and when you do face the fallout DO NOT get drawn into further justifying yourself. Ignore any attempts to engage in a debate and simply restate your position. It's really hard to do because it's so tempting to think "if I can just make this excellent point then they might get it" but the truth is they're not actually interested in hearing you - at that point they will only be transmit mode not receive. The above advice was given to me by an excellent counsellor whom I go and see, his favourite saying for situations such as these is "I have made my decision, your choice is whether you want to do this the easy way or the hard way." I followed his approach and whilst I found it unnerving stepping back emotionally (I do love to get my point across!) I got the result I needed much faster than on previous occasions which had resulted in numerous emails pinging backwards and forwards.

Trinity66 · 16/04/2018 13:45

It’s too long. Now time to shorten it. He probably won’t get past the first paragraph, which is not what you want as he’ll see it as a criticism and bin it off. Good to get your feelings out though.

I disagree I think it's perfect, very well written

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/04/2018 13:47

Article about instantly falling asleep when stressed. If you have a look, I’m sure you’ll find some other stuff. So maybe he’s not making it up. However, perhaps he’s very stressed Day to day. www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/12/why-some-people-respond-to-stress-by-falling-asleep/282422/

Spaghettijumper · 16/04/2018 13:50

He's very upset about it? Poor baby, being so upset about being a total dickhead. I notice he hasn't actually done anything about it though, has he? It's again falling to you to 'insist' on him going to the GP.

echidna1 · 16/04/2018 13:51

pigmcpigface - all the more reason to stop. They didn't appreciated all that you have done so far and your H will soon find out too. Hurrah!

theymademejoin · 16/04/2018 13:54

You are not at all U to pull back on the extra events. However, I don't understand why you feel you need to do more housework just because he earns more than you. ( I will continue to try to balance his hours/wage with mine by doing more than a 50% share of the housework ).

Fair enough to compensate for the difference in working hours but you should be sharing the load during your non-work hours.

SilverBirchTree · 16/04/2018 13:55

Good luck OP

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