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AIBU?

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Original poster

Being told to "fuck off" by a partner. Is it the end?

75 replies

Multidad · 15/04/2018 13:56

I'm not sure if this belongs in AIBU or not tbh, but I want to try and give the most balanced and unbiased side of the story. My wife and I have been together for nearly 7 years, DD is 16 months old, and she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. We have a pretty good relationship normally, but we have flareups like any other married couple. We have noticed that since our DD was about one year old that there been fractures in our relationship. About one month ago I was tired and stressed out after a week of work combined with not much sleep [for reasons I'm sure most parents can guess], We had a small row about tidying up, and I told her to "shut up" as a result of something she said. I am not going to try and justify telling her to shut up. I apologized for saying it, I felt extremely bad about it, I still feel guilty about it, she even told me that she wanted me to move out. But recently we have been getting on OK, and that row hasn't been mentioned since. That part of this post is not necessarily related to what happened about one hour ago, we were having a nice relaxing Sunday morning, I made breakfast and then we both did some tidying up and pottered around the house, our DD was happily playing with her toys, then I made a comment about my wife plucking her eyebrows, and this is exactly what I said to her: "Don't pluck your eyebrows in to oblivion". The reason I made this comment, was firstly because it was meant to be lighthearted and a bit jokey, but it was also because she had told me about one week ago that she had over plucked her eyebrows when she was a teenager, but she did not give the impression that she had any major hangups about her eyebrows. Her reaction to me telling her to not over pluck her eyebrows was "Fuck off."

I am angry, I do not feel being told to "Fuck off" was warranted, and I'm finding it extremely hard to forgive her and to feel that she really wants me around, given that she has already told me she would be happy for me to move out. I am seriously considering doing exactly that. AIBU?

OP posts:
TheStoic · 15/04/2018 13:59

She has already told me she would be happy for me to move out.

I’d be more concerned about this than about the Fuck Off. Seems pretty clear she doesn’t want you around.

poopsqueak · 15/04/2018 13:59

Don't insult your wife's looks?

Also, not he end of the world but I suppose if it's never been said before might have more of an impact.

Wouldn't be much of a 'thing' in my house but then again we don't argue THAT much. (although everyone argues, to an extent)

TERFragetteCity · 15/04/2018 14:00

You told her to shut up after she said something.

She told you to fuck off after you told her to stop doing something with her body.

Sounds like 6 of one, half a dozen of the other to me.

DaisyDoo80 · 15/04/2018 14:00

Tbh if my husband had told me what I wasn't to do with my own eyebrows I probably would have said the same.

I think you're over reacting and I think it was a pretty weird comment to make.

LimonViola · 15/04/2018 14:02

I don't think the very occasional 'oh fuck off' or 'shut up' is the end of the world in an otherwise great relationship, we'd never stray into calling each other names territory but I can think of a couple times when things have got heated and the above has been said. If it's a one off and is apologised for I think it's kinda petty to hold onto it and be unable to forgive.

But clearly that's not the actual issue, just a symptom on the surface. Your marriage is in serious trouble if she is happy for you to leave. I would be looking into couples counselling to discuss whether you're going to stay together and how to improve your relationship, or how to split as amicably as possible.

Canwejustrelaxnow · 15/04/2018 14:03

I dunno. Small kids can really put stress on a relationship.

We're a very sweary couple so we don't get too stressed about swear words per se. If I was feeling irritated and dh said to me what you said then he might get a fuck off from me. Of course I would be in the wrong and I would apologise. Always better to not make any personal comments IME.

PurpleDaisies · 15/04/2018 14:03

I wouldn’t have been happy about the eyebrow plucking comment.

This is a symptom, not the problem in your relationship. It sounds like things are badly wrong.

FreudianSlurp · 15/04/2018 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Serena1985 · 15/04/2018 14:05

I wouldn’t waste your time asking here.

Glumglowworm · 15/04/2018 14:05

One unkind comment isn’t worth throwing away a otherwise happy marriage

But if you’re both regularly sniping at each other, you want to leave, she wants you to leave, it doesn’t sound that happy.

NewYearNewMe18 · 15/04/2018 14:05

She doesn't want you around.

I'm going to give you the same advice I'd give any other poster - "get your ducks in a row" - will you be going for RP?

Buzzlightyearsbumchin · 15/04/2018 14:05

I use fuck off for - shut up - are you joking - no thank you I don't want to do that - goodbye - I don't believe you and many many other things.

It's not a big deal in my world so I think you're over reacting.

given that she has already told me she would be happy for me to move out this is what you need to focus on. Your wife isn't happy.

twizzlerite · 15/04/2018 14:05

@FreudianSlurp 😁👍

XiCi · 15/04/2018 14:06

I wouldn't bat an eyelid at either of the situations you describe tbh. I wouldn't call telling someone to shut up when you're tired and grumpy a 'fracture in the relationship'. Yes, I'd expect an apology but would then just forget all about it if all was normal in the relationship. Is there other stuff going on that is making this seem a bigger issue than it is

Merryoldgoat · 15/04/2018 14:06

Depends on tone imo.

I’m very sweary. If my DH said the eyebrow thing, I’d probably say ‘Fuck off!’ but it would be a joke and not an insult. That would be obvious to him too.

I have never seriously told him to fuck off and nor has told me to. That would be a problem. Maybe not ‘move out’ big initially, but I’d expect it only to ever happen once.

gillybeanz · 15/04/2018 14:06

A bit of an over reaction, not really worth a drama.
you need to talk though, not wanting you there is a pretty big statement and far worse than being told to fuck off, or shut up.

steppemum · 15/04/2018 14:07

Well, as a general rule neither dh nor I swear and nor do we use 'shut up' to each other or the kids.

But in our rows over the years we have been known to use both.
We've been together 19 years, 3 kids, good relationship and happy marriage, but at times when we have been veyr upset/angry over something we have broken our normal rules and said stuff we wouldn't normally, like shut up or fuck off.

It isn't the end of the relationship, but it is a wake up call to the other party that somewhere a line has been crossed, hence the upset and swearing etc.

You both sound fractious and tired and as if you are irritating each other. You need to address that, the basis of who you are as a couple. talk together and talk about how you are feeling.

throwcushions · 15/04/2018 14:07

We tell each other to shut up and fuck off all the time but we both know we don't meant it literally and it's mostly said in a jokey way. I suppose it depends on the context. If she said she wants you to move out and that wasn't said in anger or something she really apologised for later then it's not sounding good. Depends on how you usually communicate.

FASH84 · 15/04/2018 14:09

Yesterday DH has his hair cut at a new salon, came home and asked what I thought. I tried really hard to keep a straight face but I would be a terrible poker player. In the end I told him it looked like Johnny Bravo's hair. He told me to fuck off, we were both laughing about it. I don't think it's a major issue, depends how sweary you are, but if she's previously said she would be happy apart, that issue needs addressing

Being told to "fuck off" by a partner. Is it the end?
DragonMummy1418 · 15/04/2018 14:10

Wow you are REALLY over reacting.
Is this a reverse?
You need to be less sensitive. 🙄

Bluelady · 15/04/2018 14:11

Do people really get so bent out of shape about such trivia? We tell one another to fuck off in a lighthearted way all he time. We swear a lot generally.

steppemum · 15/04/2018 14:15

blue- I think the key point you said yourslef - in a lighthearted way.

if fuck off and shut up are part of your converstaion, used as joke, etc then fine.

But if they aren't and it is said in anger, then yes it is a moment to stop and think about communication

blackteasplease · 15/04/2018 14:16

I don't think either the shut up or fuck off were that big a deal, unless one of you was yelling in the others face or saying it in a threatening way.

But I agree with all that this is all a symptom.of.general unhappiness. Something you can work on though?

christinarossetti · 15/04/2018 14:17

Does you partner offer you unsolicited feedback on your appearance or personal grooming habits at all?

blackteasplease · 15/04/2018 14:18

Not ideal obviously but would be worse if your child was a bit older. Alot comes down to the way something is said and the circumstances.

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