Being told to "fuck off" by a partner. Is it the end?

[Multidad]

I'm not sure if this belongs in AIBU or not tbh, but I want to try and give the most balanced and unbiased side of the story. My wife and I have been together for nearly 7 years, DD is 16 months old, and she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. We have a pretty good relationship normally, but we have flareups like any other married couple. We have noticed that since our DD was about one year old that there been fractures in our relationship. About one month ago I was tired and stressed out after a week of work combined with not much sleep [for reasons I'm sure most parents can guess], We had a small row about tidying up, and I told her to "shut up" as a result of something she said. I am not going to try and justify telling her to shut up. I apologized for saying it, I felt extremely bad about it, I still feel guilty about it, she even told me that she wanted me to move out. But recently we have been getting on OK, and that row hasn't been mentioned since. That part of this post is not necessarily related to what happened about one hour ago, we were having a nice relaxing Sunday morning, I made breakfast and then we both did some tidying up and pottered around the house, our DD was happily playing with her toys, then I made a comment about my wife plucking her eyebrows, and this is exactly what I said to her: "Don't pluck your eyebrows in to oblivion". The reason I made this comment, was firstly because it was meant to be lighthearted and a bit jokey, but it was also because she had told me about one week ago that she had over plucked her eyebrows when she was a teenager, but she did not give the impression that she had any major hangups about her eyebrows. Her reaction to me telling her to not over pluck her eyebrows was "Fuck off."

I am angry, I do not feel being told to "Fuck off" was warranted, and I'm finding it extremely hard to forgive her and to feel that she really wants me around, given that she has already told me she would be happy for me to move out. I am seriously considering doing exactly that. AIBU?

do you two not generally communicate with anyone else?
I'm trying to see how shut up and fuck off are genuinely seen as fractures and end of relationship type of stuff.

Me and my DH have said shut up, and fuck off to each other but we do communicate like a pair of teenage boys! But really these aren't "big" things.

Communicate differently with each other if you can't handle being told to shut up or fuck off... I've just looked over at DH and said, just shut up, he's started laughing and said, why? Hes now ready for a mumsnet story...

@MultiDad
We don't swear at each other either in our house so if what you described had happened in our house it would be pretty serious, because it's the emotion behind it. Therefore you're not BU in the way you feel.

However as other PPs have said, there's obviously something unresolved here if she said Fuck Off after your light-hearted comment. Perhaps you need to say sorry, you didn't mean to upset her, it was a lighthearted comment and ask if she is ok?

The eyebrow comment would have got a fuck off from me too, I'm afraid.

If you're not getting on brilliantly a comment about personal appearance probably would have stung more than you realised or intended.

I also agree with PPs that you cannot look at this exchange in isolation.

Shut up and fuck off would also be a big deal in my house. So to add to what I said to above, I do sympathise. But ask her why she reacted s strongly and apologise for telling her to shut up, and Shawshank said

Also agree with advice from Shawshanks on how to respond

"Anyway, I'm not really seeking relationship advice, I'm just trying to gauge whether my own reaction is unreasonable or not from a bunch of strangers."

Yes it is. Don't insult her personal grooming habits unless she actually smells.

And there will be a reason she has told you she doesn't care if you move out. You are dwelling on ENTIRELY the wrong thing

She’s obviously unhappy if she’s telling you to move out. Perhaps you are, too?

If DH ever tried to tell me what to do with my appearance, he’d be getting a fuck off and then some.

But he’d never do that. And he’d never be so sensitive, either.

He’d also never tell me to shut up unless it was in a jokey way.

I think you’re both stressed with a relatively young baby and are over-reacting to things. Don’t throw your family life away over a few cross words. Sit down and talk to your wife and try and work it out. Can anyone babysit whilst you have a bit of time together as a couple?

Perhaps you need to say sorry, you didn't mean to upset her, it was a lighthearted comment and ask if she is ok?

This.

A joke is only a joke if both people find it funny. You were taking the piss. I'd have told you to fuck off too.

And I can't believe that you are 'finding it hard to forgive her' when you started it!

I think only you know your boundaries. If being told to fuck off is overstepping those boundaries then you're not wrong to be upset. It's often said on here that you don't need an excuse to leave so if you're looking for one then stop and just separate.

I have my own boundaries, as does my DP. We discuss these and if one of us is doing something that causes the other upset we can and do discuss it. But for us being told to shut up or fuck off wouldn't be anything more than a bad argument. What the argument was about would be much bigger problem than the language used.

This incident happened an hour before he posted. I hope he's now talking and listening to her

If my DH tried to give me personal grooming tips when I was not in the best of moods, I’d probably tell him to fuck off too.

How ever does your poor dw manage to get dressed, make her own lunch or wipe her arse when she hasn’t got you there to offer her advice?

Let it go now, and in future keep your joke advice to yourself. I’m sure she is more than capable of doing her own eyebrows without your input.

Given she'd said to you recently about overplucking in the past I don't think your eyebrow comment warranted an out of character eff off.

You could both be starting on a slippery slope of speaking to each other like shit so do something about it now.

It doesn't need to be the end but you both need to talk. Find out what's changed, if there's love and respect still there and if you are both willing to fix it.

My DW is American and we tell each other to fuck off regularly (in jest), so I don’t know that it’s necessarily a cultural issue. I would never make any comment about her personal appearance/grooming though - that would be dickish. Sounds like you both need to cut each other some slack - those baby years can be tough and a lot of stuff is said that normally wouldn’t be.

I'd probably tell my DH to fuck off if he made comments about my appearance tbh. That said your relationship sounds pretty awful and toxic anyway.

I think you need to figure out why she wants you to fuck off. I am going to take a wild stab in the dark and guess that she does everything with the 16 month old and all the housework? But you feel like you're a great partner because you sometimes 'help' her clean the house and you even ask her what to do?

That's nothing compared to what my husband and I say to each other.

Ive said fuck off once in 13 years. We had a baby, I was at home with baby , sleep deprived and wiped out with no support from dh on the sleep front, and a few other things. I meant it and I wouldn’t have apologised, because I needed more from my dh for our relationship to work. I think only you can tell if this is representative of how your wife is feeling Overall or a random one off which should be apologIsed for.

I don't think swearing at someone in temper on a single occasion is reason to end an otherwise stable relationship, no. Sounds like there are other things ongoing.

i say shutup all the time and the occasional fuck off if im in a really bad mood

all forgotten straight away though-is there more to this than just telling someone to fuck off

Sorry but it sounds like your walking around on eggshells with each other. If a marriage ends because you say the words ‘shut up’ or ‘fuck off’ once then it’s not really the words that have broken the marriage- it’s something else bubbling underneath and the other person is looking for an excuse. FWIW if someone in RL told me they’d split their family unit and marriage because their DP had told them to shut up I’d either think they were not telling me the full story or they were absolutely bonkers.

op you started by saying: I'm not sure if this belongs in AIBU or not tbh, but I want to try and give the most balanced and unbiased side of the story.
think about it again did you really expect unbiased views - you probably got more than you gave -

ZOMBIE!