Being told to "fuck off" by a partner. Is it the end?

[Multidad]

I'm not sure if this belongs in AIBU or not tbh, but I want to try and give the most balanced and unbiased side of the story. My wife and I have been together for nearly 7 years, DD is 16 months old, and she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. We have a pretty good relationship normally, but we have flareups like any other married couple. We have noticed that since our DD was about one year old that there been fractures in our relationship. About one month ago I was tired and stressed out after a week of work combined with not much sleep [for reasons I'm sure most parents can guess], We had a small row about tidying up, and I told her to "shut up" as a result of something she said. I am not going to try and justify telling her to shut up. I apologized for saying it, I felt extremely bad about it, I still feel guilty about it, she even told me that she wanted me to move out. But recently we have been getting on OK, and that row hasn't been mentioned since. That part of this post is not necessarily related to what happened about one hour ago, we were having a nice relaxing Sunday morning, I made breakfast and then we both did some tidying up and pottered around the house, our DD was happily playing with her toys, then I made a comment about my wife plucking her eyebrows, and this is exactly what I said to her: "Don't pluck your eyebrows in to oblivion". The reason I made this comment, was firstly because it was meant to be lighthearted and a bit jokey, but it was also because she had told me about one week ago that she had over plucked her eyebrows when she was a teenager, but she did not give the impression that she had any major hangups about her eyebrows. Her reaction to me telling her to not over pluck her eyebrows was "Fuck off."

I am angry, I do not feel being told to "Fuck off" was warranted, and I'm finding it extremely hard to forgive her and to feel that she really wants me around, given that she has already told me she would be happy for me to move out. I am seriously considering doing exactly that. AIBU?

OP,
The strain caused by children,noise,broken sleep etc can cause a lot of relationships to have issues.

Sleep deprivation is the worst thing ever.....I think this could be the cause of the silly arguments.

You both need a good unbroken sleep and to talk....easier said than done, with children.

Thanks for the replies everyone, quite a mixed bag of responses. To the people who are telling me to not be so sensitive, I should say that we do not have the kind of relationship where we say 'fuck off' To each other in a jokey way. This could be because she is American, and Americans do not have the same swearing culture as us Brits. I'm pretty sure that if we were both British, we would both be telling each other to fuck off on a regular basis, And having a merry old laugh about it it's along the way, but different cultures and all that.. Anyway, I'm not really seeking relationship advice, I'm just trying to gauge whether my own reaction is unreasonable or not from a bunch of strangers.

I think in 7 years together, if that's all there is you're doing okay - people say things because they're tired, stressed and fed up and it doesn't mean you hate each other, it means you're knackered ... try to have some quality time together says she and enjoy each others company

You must both be the most civilised people in the universe

"I said 'shut up', she said 'fuck off', we may split up as a result.

Is this a wind-up?

I am not surprised she told you to f* off, stop commenting on her looks. Maybe you crossed a boundary and she reacted badly. You sound annoying.

If you care for her, sit her down and talk to her. You are not going to help very much by simply judging her first on her looks and grooming technique and secondly her use of language. Stop judging and start being kind and see if she is any different.

I hardly ever argue with my husband, but yes we have told each other to "fuck off" or "shut up" a few times. If he told me what to do with my eyebrows, he'd prob get same response as you did. We have been married 20 years.
The wanting to leave part sounds like something isn't working, and you both sound tired and frustrated with each other.
Can you get someone to babysit your DC and go out for dinner/drinks and talk to each other, or just try and recapture you both as a couple, rather than just parents? Or a night away, sans DC.?
Or if this isn't possible, put DC to bed, cook her a nice meal, bottle of wine etc.

People often say things impulsively. I wouldn't get too upset by it.

We don't have a sweaty relationship either, but have obviously sworn before. Maybe it is not her use of language but the anger behind it?

Do you sense she has truly had enough?

If she's already told you she'd be happy for you to move out, then the 'fuck off' is really just emphasising her point.

It does seem like an over reaction tbf

to think you're going to break up after the words "fuck off" are said I mean

It sounds like both of you need to learn to laugh more. It helps to diffuse situations like that and prevent them from becoming major issues.

We don't have a sweaty relationship either,

I would NEVER tell my partner to fuck off.

I told DH to fuck off last night. He spent 12.30-at 1am crashing around after a night out when I'm knackered and have DS and visiting DM to look after today. However, we are largely very happy, so it doesn't matter he won't remember it.
It sounds like it is a serious thing for your DW to say it, especially in light of the "move out" comment.
Toddlerhood is a tough age. It sounds like you need to make time for a proper talk.

OK if you are unhappy you don't have to justify it by pinning it on the fuck f comment or by asking foe our approval. Yes I know that it's what this forum does but your feelings are valid for what they are. Speaking to your dp about it first of all would help I think.

I've told my dp to fuck off before during an argument. No it's not great and I'm not proud of it but I apologised and we moved on. If he'd wanted to break up with me over it I'd be wondering what else was wrong in the relationship.

It's about context as well, if you're repeatedly being told to fuck off then that's obviously a problem but as a one off no I don't think it's worth breaking up over.

trinity

Oh how I wish!

I saw a couple this morning having an argy, and a baby crying made me wince was involved. Well, she was having a rant and dad was happy to take crying baby to soothe and let mum get on with letting off steam.

By the time I'd deposited the bags in my boot and returned the trolley, they were walking hand in hand, smiling and laughing. Baby had settled down too and was gorgeous!

That's life with a baby/small child.

I think 'Move out' is worse then 'Fuck off'

I also agree that being told to move out was probably worse than being sworn at. Sounds like you both need to sit down and talk about things.

You state you don't want relationship advice from a bunch of stangers, but there is clearly more to this. When your wife said she would like you to move out, was it said in the heat of an argument? If not, did you discuss why she said she felt like this? If I had a 16 month old, I would expect my partner to be making sure she is safe / playing with her, not watching me pluck my eyebrows and passing comment (that would be because I would be plucking my eyebrows in the bathroom and would want to concentrate, which I couldn't do with a toddler under my feet).

I dont see any difference between shut up and fuck off (and neither would i have taken kindly to your joke)

This is about your entire relationship and not one shut up or one fuck off. Seeking advice on that alone (on AIBU of all places for goodness sake) makes me wonder you aren't seeing the bigger picture here. You have a small child and a lot to lose if you don't work together to re-connect this relationship. Starting with talking to her; not to us. If you needed to vent about that hurtful comment, then I understand. But now try and think why the both of you are being short with each other (FWIW many of us went through that patch with young kids)