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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask who makes the purchasing decisions in your household?

74 replies

AssignedPuuurfectAtBirth · 15/04/2018 12:12

Was interested to now who buys stuff in your house and whether it's still mainly women who make the purchasing decisions.

I do most of the food shopping

All of the research into purchasing decisions

All decisions about interiors

All the kid's clothing

Insurance etc

Pretty much everything, except -

My husband

  • researches cars and buys them (not v often obviously and I don't care about cars)
  • Buys his own clothes
  • Goes to the supermarket but generally just buys what I say we need
  • Also researches insurance etc
  • He will buy any of the above and will research it if I ask, but the mental workload tends to be mine
OP posts:
NewYearNewMe18 · 15/04/2018 12:14

I do. In my experience, men take a complete back seat and hand all finances and purchases to the women. Perhaps I'm just lucky to know very compliant men Grin

oh, he buys his own golf clubs, clothes and sports/lad holidays.

Mamabear1475 · 15/04/2018 12:16

I do. He just sorts the car

Gennz18 · 15/04/2018 12:17

Pretty much the same as you, plus I organise holidays, childcare, negotiate mortgages, any home maintenance/renovations/building projects etc. We both work full time, so it does mean I carry more of the mental load (although DH earns much more than me).

It does annoy me sometimes but ultimately I am a bit of a control freak so on balance I probably prefer making the decisions myself.

NewYearNewMe18 · 15/04/2018 12:17

BTW when people say 'mental load' I just read that 1950's style as there, there don't you worry your pretty little head about that and get the big strong man to do your thinking for you

I rather thought we'd moved on a little from that and women were now capable of thinking for themselves? apparently not.

findingmyfeet12 · 15/04/2018 12:21

We both do the grocery shopping although I decide what we need as I do most of the cooking. We just shop in whichever supermarket is nearest to us on our way home from work (we work all over the city).

We each buy our own clothes.

Dh sorts out phone contracts and utilities.

We buy household items together.

Gennz18 · 15/04/2018 12:23

Hmm newyear? It means being the inevitably female person who worries about annoying household admin like packing kid's lunches and organising doctor's appointments - on top of the normal shit that adults have to mentally manage.

gamerwidow · 15/04/2018 12:24

I do all the purchasing and finance decisions.
We have just inherited some money and DH wants a new car. I have left it to be his responsibility to sort out but I am finding it really hard to let him get on with it and not interfere.
We are also buying a new house which I will probably make all the purchasing decisions about. DH not interested in where we live unless I make a really outlandish choice.

Original poster
AssignedPuuurfectAtBirth · 15/04/2018 12:25

That's not at all what I meant by 'mental load NewYear

I meant that although my husband will do whatever I ask him to do, he doesn't initiate the decision making. The mental load is my organisation and organisational skills

OP posts:
adaline · 15/04/2018 12:26

It's about 50/50 here. We tend to food shop together but bills are sorted on a 50/50 basis really. I deal with my own, so does DP and then household ones we sort together as necessary.

AjasLipstick · 15/04/2018 12:28

We do everything together except for food shopping which either of us might do...it's not one or the other of us regularly.

If we need a new saucepan...as we did today, it was DH who chose that...he's more likely to enjoy the kitchen department than me. Similarly, I chose new glasses last week because I like that sort of thing.

KirstenRaymonde · 15/04/2018 12:28

@NewYearNewMe18 you don’t know what mental load means, have a google and learn. It’s - almost always - women who carry the burden of knowing everything about how the house and family are run, men sit around waiting to be given a task and that’s called ‘helping’.

I do most of the research and purchasing, but tbh it plays to my strengths. Big things like sofas we ultimately decide together, but I do all the food shopping, bill sorting etc.

Beyond11cisRetinol · 15/04/2018 12:33

Me. Cause I'm a control freak Grin
DH is generally good at sharing the mental load, but I'm still in charge of all purchasing - mainly as it's something I can do while sat down!

NewYearNewMe18 · 15/04/2018 12:36

@Kirsten I do know thank you - don't presume to tell me what I do or do not know. You may well be opting out of proactive parenting and need some hand holding in your relationship management and day to day living , some of us manage quite well to function, what with organising things.

Trinity66 · 15/04/2018 12:36

we both do really

KateGrey · 15/04/2018 12:36

OP isn’t suggesting she needs a man to do it all. What she said saying is she carries the burden of organising it all.

I have three kids (two have autism - one is very severely affected and only attends school three hours a day). I also work from home part time 15-20 hours a week. I carry 95% of the mental load. My husband keeps an eye on energy suppliers etc but the rest is left to me and really fucks me off. We’ve had the conversation a million times but still no matter what it falls to me. It’s making me highly resentful.

Skippetydoodah · 15/04/2018 12:38

I do mostly because a) I'm more organised and b) I enjoy it. We've not long moved house and when it comes to decorating etc I've done all the research, pulled together ideas and then presented them to him for us to make a decision together. He's interested in the eventual outcome but not in the hours of research to find the perfect cushion/colour/chair etc.

He does food shop but it's usually geared around a specific set of things we need for a particular meal / event or if we've run out of something - so he will buy washing up liquid if we've run out, but he wouldn't keep an eye out for offers to stock up so that we don't run out! Anything car/ garden / DIY related he deals with though.

No children here though so there is less of a 'load' I guess.

Mightywease · 15/04/2018 12:38

Food shopping - I do most of the cooking so decide what we are going to have and write out the shopping list but we both do the actually shopping, together or he does it on his own

Household items - joint decision, either one of may research depending on how few feel

Decorating - I'm more likely to decide on how things should look, colour schemes etc.. he's more likely to decide on tradespeople is we use them. However the biggest decisions i.e. when we have had the kitchen and bathroom redone, we made joint decisions

Holidays - similar to household though I'm more likely to chose the hotel but that's because I like doing stuff like that

Clothes - each buy our own and each buy things for our son

Bills - he deals with that as he is just better at it frankly

Birthdays - he does his family, I do mine!

So pretty 50-50 I'd say

Gennz18 · 15/04/2018 12:38

NewYear you're not making any sense

Turnocks34 · 15/04/2018 12:40

I buy everything, just say to my oh’ going to get this, what you think’

Andro · 15/04/2018 12:44

Grocery list - team effort, we all cook at least 1 meal and have responsibility for listing what is needed. Additionally, whoever is the first to realise that we need milk/egg.butter/etc lists it.

Insurances - each responsible for our own cars/motorbikes/life/critical illness, DH does house, I do dc's instruments.

Everything else is pretty even, big purchases are discussed but research tends to be done by whoever knows more about 'that area'.

Bambamber · 15/04/2018 12:46

We do food shopping and house bits together. I buy the clothes for our DD but he will buy something if he sees something he likes. He deals with all bills and sorts insurance. I book any holidays. Any big purchases we will always discuss

MeanTangerine · 15/04/2018 12:47

Germaine Greer wrote about this in The Whole Woman, published 1999. She argues (if I may paraphrase, probably inaccurately) that women are encouraged to view shopping as a leisure activity, and all of us are encouraged to think that shopping is a leisure activity for women.

Whereas in fact most of women's shopping is a fucking chore, tiring, routine and (before the advent of Internet shopping) resulting in carrying heavy bulky bags of groceries. By contrast, when men enter shops it is usually to buy themselves a treat. And if they want to have fun they play sport, computer games or go to the pub.

Yes, massive generalisation. (Please no one respond with "well my family isn't like that so that is obviously wrong blah blah blah". It is a generalisation and won't apply to everyone.) But looking around I tend to see more evidence in favour than not.

Original poster
AssignedPuuurfectAtBirth · 15/04/2018 12:47

NewYear

I don't really get what you are on about. I'm actually not slagging off my husband. He will do whatever task I ask him to. But I have to ask him to, unless it's bleeding obvious, such as running out of milk or the car not been taxed for a month.

OP posts:
Shenanagins · 15/04/2018 12:50

Both, we will both take the lead on various purchases, he’s equally as competent as I on running a household.

The exception being in that he will take the lead on tech purchases as he’s in this field and I have no interest.