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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious DH has started smoking again

67 replies

catweasel44 · 15/04/2018 10:50

He gave up 9 years ago. Occasionally he might have one if he was away etc but on the whole was fine.

He's been through quite a stressful time over the last 3 or 4 months and has started smoking again.

The DC don't know but they're not stupid.

I'm furious.

He stinks
He's tetchy because he can't have a cigarette because the DC are around
It costs a fortune
I don't want him to die

He keeps saying he'll stop but a week later I catch him stinking of fags again.

OP posts:
Stirner · 15/04/2018 10:52

If he's been through a stressful time cut him some slack

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/04/2018 10:54

He's an adult. It's his decision. You're not his mum. Just keep encouraging him to quit, nicely.

Thespidersankles · 15/04/2018 10:55

I just started again after a stressful time in work. I only smoked in work and for 5 weeks but I am off them again due to a disgusting chest infection. Lesson learned

Original poster
catweasel44 · 15/04/2018 10:55

I think I'm frustrated because he's just making things harder for himself.

OP posts:
Guavaf1sh · 15/04/2018 10:58

If he’s stressed don’t add to it just leave it be for now

MsHopey · 15/04/2018 10:58

Your a family with family money I assume. It would piss me off that he was using family money on something unhealthy and expensive tbh.

TammySwansonTwo · 15/04/2018 11:00

Smoking has always been my crutch. I don’t drink or take drugs but stress tends to lead to me smoking again. I’d cut him some slack, you getting at him won’t help him quit.

jamoncrumpets · 15/04/2018 11:01

Mine too, and I'm due with DC2 in 8 weeks Confused

maxthemartian · 15/04/2018 11:01

I would hate this too and think YANBU. TH smoked heavily when we got together and quit a few years ago and hasn't had a single one since. If he started again I would be worried sick about his health, furious at the waste of money and revolted by the smell.

Original poster
catweasel44 · 15/04/2018 11:01

He drinks as a crutch too. Which worries me just as much if I'm honest.

OP posts:
BabyBooDue · 15/04/2018 11:01

I feel the same as you when my DH has started again @catweasel44 .

Also means the whole family get to go through the first hard month of him being irritable and grumpy as hell when he quits again. It's not fun for anyone.

Scoogle · 15/04/2018 11:02

I've just started smoking again very lightly after giving up over 12 years ago. Grim

advocatingmum · 15/04/2018 11:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ as requested by the OP.

TSSDNCOP · 15/04/2018 11:10

I gave up smoking 12 years ago and it’s only recently I’ve noticed that in certain circumstances I don’t resent not being able to have one.

So, if he’s been particularly stressed (known trigger) it’s disappointing but not really surprising he’s off the wagon again.

TBH (and I’m really trying to be kind) being nagged is not a particularly sucesssful way to stop anyone doing a thing. Just leave it a bit. Maybe say, look you know I hate it and I’m worried for your health; can you try really hard to knock it on the head again by [insert month/event/etc] and see if by then with less stress and ag he stops again.

Original poster
catweasel44 · 15/04/2018 11:10

They're 10 and 12. So really old enough to know what's going on.

OP posts:
Original poster
catweasel44 · 15/04/2018 11:16

It would be be so bad but I really don't want to have sex with him. His hair smells of smoke and even if he has a shower he smells wrong.

He says I'm being petty.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouser · 15/04/2018 11:18

I left a LTP when I found out he was lying to me about it. When I rasked him if he was smoking again (several times over a period of time) he kept saying the smell was from others in the office, work vehicle or at his club. Then I was there one night and people kept offering him cigarettes (it was a long time ago and people routinely did this at social events then), it was obvious he must have been smoking there. Eventually he admitted it, but it was the straw that broke the camels back, both the smoking and the lying. Fortunately we didn’t have kids.

Several years after that I got into a relationship with someone who had recently given up. Except he went back to it. I hated it. The smell, the constant popping out for a cigarette, needing one right before getting in my car, moaning he couldn’t have one in my car, lighting up the minute he got out...not wanting to fly long haul because he couldn’t smoke. It drove me batshit. It was a good part of why we split up, he was alcohol dependent too, getting worse & worse.

I cannot stand the smell and will not live with a smoker. If I was looking for a new partner I’d be very cautious about getting into a relationship an ex smoker again. I wouldn’t write if if entirely as my Dad went cold turkey years ago and never touched another one.

It’s hard when you’re in a long term relationship & have kids, but I think I’d still tell him it’s a deal breaker, either he stops or we separate. It’s not about being controlling someone else, they can do as they please, it’s about controlling what I am prepared to accept in my life and living with a smoker is a big fat no for me.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 15/04/2018 11:22

Petty?

What a twat.

It’s not petty to not want to have sex with someone who smells like a wet ashtray. Bleurgh.

Scoogle. STOP 😠. Stop while it’s ‘lightly’. You can do it 💐

daisychain01 · 15/04/2018 11:26

YANBU - just because you aren't "his mum" doesn't mean to say you shouldn't try to influence him to cope with his stress a different way. He has a family with you and DC, his obligation should be to think more responsibly about the known longer term health problems caused by smoking and alcohol.

Could he use exercise as a way to reduce his stress levels and give up the cigs and drink. If it's work related stress he may have dropped the exercise due to lack of time and needs to regain some work life balance.

eloisesparkle · 15/04/2018 11:43

How many is he smoking a day ?

specialsubject · 15/04/2018 12:11

Smokers reek to non smokers. Fact.

Most of us don't want to have sex with someone who stinks.

Drugs or sex. His choice. Plus all the other reasons he should not use drugs as a crutch.

Nanny0gg · 15/04/2018 12:19

He's an adult. It's his decision. You're not his mum

And it would be my decision as to whether I could put up with it.

And I couldn't.

sameoldsame · 15/04/2018 12:22

I started again after 10 years through stress
I didn’t want to, I hate it, I feel slightly stressed about my situation I want one immediately

I bought the Alan Carr book.
But I haven’t started it yet, I’m kind of hoping that my situation will ease and I won’t need them.
I would cut him some slack if he’s been through shit.
Ask him about it in a non confrontational way, why he thinks he needs it, how it helps him.
I doubt very much he wants to smoke or drink as a crutch (I did that too) it’s was a sign of real unhappiness in my case

SoapOnARoap · 15/04/2018 12:26

A lot of people wouldn’t be happy with being with a drug addict

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 15/04/2018 12:26

I’d hate it too, but I suppose as he was a smoker there always was a chance it’d rear up again.

He gave up once so should have the ability to give up again when he’s feeling calmer and less stressed. It probably wouldn’t be easy for him to give up right now so I’d leave it for a few weeks.

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