To be furious DH has started smoking again

[catweasel44]

He gave up 9 years ago. Occasionally he might have one if he was away etc but on the whole was fine.

He's been through quite a stressful time over the last 3 or 4 months and has started smoking again.

The DC don't know but they're not stupid.

I'm furious.

He stinks
He's tetchy because he can't have a cigarette because the DC are around
It costs a fortune
I don't want him to die

He keeps saying he'll stop but a week later I catch him stinking of fags again.

smoking is vile. Leave.

@SoapOnARoap
Literally one of the funniest things I’ve read.

drinking as a crutch would be more of a worry to me than smoking. he thinks you are being petty because you used to be able to have sex with a smoker, he doesn't understand that your nose isn't used to it now after such a long break.

at the end of the day you can't make someone change their behaviour so I'm not sure what you can do about it. I hope the stressful time sorts itself out soon xx

It would be a deal breaker for me. Don’t know what you find funny, sameold. I grew up with a smoking parent who only gave up for the sake of their own health. I hated it then and hate it now.

@SabineUndine
It was a bit dramatic. He hasn’t been smoking 60 a day for 40 years
He’s going through a very stressful time, and compassion and help will work better than leaving him.

From the other side, I used to smoke and after quitting for a couple of years i ended up having a couple after DH and I had a massive row over something. It was a slippery slope then and I was smoking again.

My DH never made any comment about it other than saying if I decided I wanted to quit again he’d support me however he could. After a few months I’d had enough and was really gutted I’d given in and quit again. That was 3 years ago now and I’ve stayed away from them.

You don’t have to be happy about it and you are absolutely right not to have sex if you don’t want to and that’s a consequence of his actions that he has to accept if he continues to smoke, but maybe back off a little and don’t hound him over it and it might be more successful.

Whatever you decide though, while it may be his choice to smoke, it isn’t his choice how it makes you feel and whether you can live with it, it is totally your right not to put up with it if you don’t want to.

In my experience, backing off and cutting the person some slack does not work, albeit it seems like the right thing to do.

They won't stop, they 'benefit' from you being off their case and they can carry on with their smoking/drinking/whatever nasty habit they have.

There needs to be some 'impact and consequences' given to them, so that if it genuinely feels like a dealbreaker or something that could drive a wedge between you, being crystal clear about it sooner rather than later could make them see the effect of their habit on people other than themselves.

The unfair part is that family members are impacted most, not the person themselves. Smoking and drinking are expensive 'empty' costs direct from the family budget, the only person getting anything from it is the user, and the health risks could deprive the family of that person.

nannyOgg so would you break up a marriage just because your husband smoked cigarettes?

Maybe if you take a step back you could talk calmly about the stress he has been under and what else he could do to cope with it.
He probably hates himself for it.
I totally understand why you are angry but I'm not sure going postal at him will help the situation.

OP, are you saying that neither of you have personal spends?
It's not coming out of the family budget if he's using his own personal allowance.

As for dying, he could die any minute from a myriad of possibilities.
I'd be more concerned about the effects on his physical health and hygiene which will in turn affect his role/relationships and interaction with family.

How many does he smoke a day ?

Of course he can spend money on what he likes.

It's the smell and the tetchiness that is the main issue - and what will happen if the kids find out.

He's probably only smoking a couple a day. I don't know about when he's at work.

Same argument again. He tries to get all frisky after a lovely Friday night but he stinks.

Now he's sulking again.

I was a big smoker.
IT WILL KILL HIM
Apart from the money and smell, it’s total shite

You are dealing with a drug addict.
He’s going to get arsey with you cos of cravings
The only answer is for him to realise he’s being a dick,
Vape? Nicolette?

jamoncrumoets
You poor thing. I hope he's not doing it around you and isn't doing It in your home. Print off a leaflet about the links between smoking and SIDS and make him read it.

nannyOgg so would you break up a marriage just because your husband smoked cigarettes? hmm

It would make me find him less attractive. They stink and smokers clothes always stink too. I also would be unimpressed for my kids' sake. Chikdren of smokers are far more likely to smoke themselves. So I personally would consider ending my marriage but would try everything else first.

Aw, is he stressed?

Both my DH's parents died of lung cancer. That's pretty stressful too.

I had an ex who quit dramatically and it involved a lot of energy and babysitting on my part because he found it really difficult. He was smoke free for a year then low and behold he started again. I felt betrayed (even though he had not betrayed me,) all that time and effort and talking through it all, for him to just pick up a fag and carry on.

I realise it’s not logical but YANBU

God, I’ve been there. Both my and my H used to smoke and gave up when I got pregnant.

He started smoking again a few years ago but only did it at work and hid it from me for a year. Apart from the lying (a while other story) I was annoyed because

• I didn’t want my children around smoking or have it as an example
• I didn’t want to kiss a smoker
• it’s horrifically expensive
• and the worst of all...smoking takes precedence over everything - long car journeys needing extra steps to smoke, H being outside having a fag when I need help with bedtime/homework/whatever. The list goes on and on.

Whatever anyone else says about stress (which smoking does NOT help with) smokers are addicts and show selfish behaviour because of that addiction.

We both gave up by reading the Allen Carr book - he read it again and gave up again, thank god.

Your H seems to want to smoke and have everyone be ok with it. I’m totally with you. It’s horrible.

YANBU

It impacts you and your family. When a person gets married and has children they give up the right to do whatever they feel like without regards for how it impacts the family.

Your finances, your sex life, your likelihood of growing old alone, etc etc etc!!! All big things impacting you! So yes, you get a say in his smoking and drinking.

I hope he quits soon.

I’d be furious.

As a smoker- back off. The more you nag at him the more stressed out he becomes and the more reason you give him to feed his habit if that's why he's doing it.

Your DC are nothing to do with it. He's the parent, not them. My youngest doesn't like me doing it but I dont do it in front of her, I'm not forcing it down her throat and it isn't her money so therefore it's none of her business. He's an adult and can make his own decisions.

I may take to eating raw garlic every night before bed.

'smoking takes precedence over everything - long car journeys needing extra steps to smoke, H being outside having a fag when I need help with bedtime/homework/whatever. The list goes on and on'

^^This is a really good point that smokers in particular often neglect or are in denial of. All the accommodations they expect people to make.
My MIL has chosen her smoking over more regular contact with her grandchildren. She adores them. If that isn't the behaviour of a pitiable addict, I don't know what is. But all addicts retain ultimate self-respöonsibility.

This would be a dealbreaker for me too. Horrific, anachronistic, ragingly self-indulgent habit. Still far too accepted in society at large. How on earth, as a parent, do you want to have the moral authority to stop your children taking it up if you do it yourself? Children of smokers are much, much more likely to becoem smokers themselves.

And I'm an ex-smoker. But I gave up long before I had children. For a while (post-children) I went through a phase of having about one a year at a (child-free) party or conference, until I realised that that, while unlikely to have particular impact, was actually pretty stupid too.

Practical step - would he try e-cigs as a halfway house?

To those who say it’s nothing to do with you or the kids: Wrong. Kids whose parents smoke are 3 x more likely to smoke themselves later, reducing their life expectancy by over ten years. Yes it’s a free will issue, but it’s one where you need to factor in some very nasty effect it has on others around you.

AmberNectarine That’s awful. You have no idea what stress he may be under and besides, it’s all relative. I’m sorry that you have lost people due to lung cancer but that isn’t a reason to state his stress is nothing because to him it obviously is if he has started smoking again.

I stopped when pregnant and kept off them, then my second was born with lots of difficulties so I started again. Once things got easier I stopped again but nagging wouldn’t have helped at all. You are within your rights to say no to sex or to even end the relationship but nagging isn’t going to help anybody.