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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to going to DH family functions anymore?

59 replies

K1092902 · 14/04/2018 23:23

Because I really cant deal with his sister anymore?

Shes 33. Single mum of 3, oldest being 17, all by different dads (relevant not judgy pants). She has a bad cocaine addiction- says she wants to stop and will have "just one last night" and it just carries on and carries on. She has now got DNiece hooked on it too. She has to be the victim in everything.

Goes from one disasterous relationship to another- the longest she has held down a partner for is about 6 months and has been this way hwe whole life. Sometimes she pushes them away with her meedy attitude/temprement and some of them are just plain dickheads.

She is in a lot of debt- MIL and DH have just had to pay off about 3.5k in rent arrears. We had no idea it was going on until the courts wrote to her and said she would be evicted in 30 days if she didn't cough up basically.

She is constantly bleeding ILs and DH dry- she will be on the phone at least twice a week to DH asking for money. He has finally learnt to put his foot down but honestly think we could of put a deposit on a house he has sent that much of the course of our relationship.

We have tried telling ILs to stop giving her money and babysit for her so she can spend her money buying cocaine and getting off her tits. What concerns us though- is that she will do it in the house when the kids are about (17, 4 and 13 months).

She has to constantly play the victim- think how hard I have it as a single mum, if you stub your toe and your toe hurts she has a sore foot, constantly has a drama (which she usually causes) etc.

Its draining for me. Ive been with DH 10 years and nothing has changed.

AIBU to finally say I never want to see her again and not attend family events if she is doing so?

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 14/04/2018 23:28

if you don't go family functions you wont suffer her but your dh will still be giving money.

NotTakenUsername · 14/04/2018 23:28

Entirely reasonable. But will it cause an unnecessary rift between you and dh/oil?

Shizzlestix · 14/04/2018 23:30

Honestly, I’d be phoning social services and telling them the kids are at risk and tell all about her drug habit. She doesn’t deserve children. Is it her 17 year old she now has hooked on coke?

Original poster
K1092902 · 14/04/2018 23:51

DH wont send her cash anymore but may do the odd online shop for her for about £20 or help in a dire emergency (like paying off rent arrears but that money went direct to her landlord). ILs do however and must give her about £100 a week and now FIL is looking to retire its not something they can afford for much longer.

It has already caused a bit of a rift anyway. We rarely see her- we first met her youngest DC at Easter and I think her middle child was about 2.5 when we last saw them.

She plays the guilt card because she still lives down near London while me and DH and ILs have moved- we are closest in Manchester, ILs and DHs older sister live near Aberdeen. ILs therefore feel guilty and send her money to try and make up for it. I feel really sorry for them because DHs older sister (who im quite close to now) was the same a few years ago until she had her DD and without sounding gloaty or bitchy DH is the only one who has his head screwed on properly.

I would contact social services- but she would know it was me and I don't think ILs would forgive me and while DH would understand he is incredibly close to his Mum and Dad and wouldnt want to affect their relationship.

We have genuinley made an effort for years but all she is interested in is money.

DH and I have discussed DNiece coming to live with us if she wants when she is 18 to help her get on her feet but we have had a shitstorm of a year to be honest and have to consider DD, step DDs and our newborn GC too.

OP posts:
Lostinspaceoutatsea · 15/04/2018 00:02

I don't think being worried about her knowing you were the one that contacted SS would be the worst thing to happen.
If you don't and one of the younger children got hold of the drugs then what? Wouldn't you feel better if you helped those poor kids?
If it helps you can do it all anonymously

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 15/04/2018 00:03

I'm sorry but I would be reporting her, she has got a 17 year old daughter hooked on cocaine...every single member of your dh's family should be trying to find the children somewhere else to live ie: with one of them/family members as what would happen if she left it lying around and one of the little ones got hold of it had a overdose and caused serious damage or worse death, I wouldn't be assed about the ils falling out with me as them children need someone to stand up for them and to care for them, and letting her own daughter get addicted is disgraceful and her parents should be ashamed of her and disown her and look our for the little ones...sorry to be blunt op but you really do need to report her as this is a very dangerous drug and god knows what could happen or even dealers coming to the house? Sorry but report report report.

timeisnotaline · 15/04/2018 00:05

Those poor children are too young to be in the care of an unreliable addict. I’d have to do something I think- have a conversation with Dh and ask how much worse he would feel if he said don’t report and something awful happened to the baby or 4 yr old.

lalalalyra · 15/04/2018 00:11

help in a dire emergency (like paying off rent arrears but that money went direct to her landlord)

While she still knows she has that back up then she'll be spending her rent money on cocaine, so it is basically the same as giving her cash. She knows that your MIL and DH will never let her go homeless because of the children.

DancingLedge · 15/04/2018 00:11

Prioritise.
Don't think the in-laws would forgive you if you reported drugs around DC?
When your not planning to go to family functions any more anyway?

Why on earth is that a consideration, when according to you, children are at risk of harm?

BarbarianMum · 15/04/2018 00:12

Who cares if your in-laws get the hump? Are you seriously going to leave those children in that situation to avoid awkwardness? Shame in you and doubly so on your dh. Angry

OlennasWimple · 15/04/2018 00:20

Phone social services at 9am on Monday morning

There is no option to look the other way and pretend it's not happening

gillybeanz · 15/04/2018 00:30

I'm sorry but i'd be informing ss, your ils and your dh are supporting her habit and that's so sad.
her children deserve better and the older one needs help to get clean.
Pleas do the right thing, what if the little one is harmed because she is incapable of parenting properly.

Merryoldgoat · 15/04/2018 00:40

Social services without a doubt. I wouldn’t care if they knew it was me - knowingly leaving children in that situation is horrifically irresponsible.

I’d rather be ignored by a family who are enabling an addict than know I could help those children but be too scared to act.

She doesn’t deserve them and they sure as hell don’t deserve her dysfunction.

redshoeblueshoe · 15/04/2018 00:51

I rang SS to report someone for child neglect. This was over 20 years ago. They said I don't suppose you want to give us your name ?
I replied by telling them my name, and telling them they were free to tell her that I had informed them. The kids were removed within 24 hours.

Did I do the wrong thing ?
Did I hell.

Think of the consequences if you don't do it, not if you do.

Ractify · 15/04/2018 03:50

Think of the consequences if you don't do it, not if you do.

^ This, absolutely.....

ScruffbagsRUs · 15/04/2018 06:46

Sorry OP, but you need to step up and look after the health, safety and welfare of those children, and report your SIL to SS. This completely trumps your own, your DH's and your IL's feelings on the matter.

If your IL's want to fall out with you over doing the right thing for your SIL's DC, then let them get on with it. It's bloody childish to do so, and it's also obvious that they aren't interested in putting the DC's health and safety before their own feelings. By falling out with you over this, says that they're more concerned about their image to the outside world, than the welfare of your SIL's DC.

If they were concerned about the DC, then they would have done the decent thing and contacted SS themselves, to get help for the whole family.

Please just do the right thing OP, and give SS a call. Oh, and fuck what your IL's think of you. Your loyalty should be to the DC, not the feelings of the adults.

londonrach · 15/04/2018 07:08

Those poor children. Agree with everyone else you have a moral duty to report to ss to possibly save those childrens lives

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/04/2018 07:24

I do understand your fears about them finding out it was you. I don’t see how they could. They may be suspicious. But other people must have seen her or her dd high at some point. Is she in full time education? Speaking to her School would also be a good option. Or speaking to the schools of her younger siblings.

Personally I would go to the next function after you have spoken to the school or ss otherwise it will be more obvious it was you. I’d also want to go to support her children.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 15/04/2018 07:31

Those poor children. How can you be angry about money when she's destroying their lives?

Please report to SS.

Lacucuracha · 15/04/2018 07:31

Please don't prioritise your relationships with ILs over the welfare of a baby and a 4yo.

faeveren · 15/04/2018 07:50

You need to report her to SS, how can you not with a 4 year old and 13 month old living in a house with one, possibly two drug addicts (you said she had your DN hooked) The children are more important than your ILs.

I'm speaking from experience SIL alcoholic, MIL enabling her by financially subsidising her and looking after the children. My DH rang SS who visited and said there were no concerns and so he rang them again. SIL was very convincing with SWs but eventually the children were taken into foster care.

Yes the family blew up, DH feeling guilty, MIL & SIL blaming him and the children were extremely upset. SIL got the wake up call but also the help that she needed and eventually the children were returned 3 or 4 months later.

That was 2 years ago and SIL is still sober the children are doing so well. SIL has only recently started to speak to DH but he absolutely did the right thing for those children.

Thegreatestshowwomen · 15/04/2018 07:50

I reported my cousin Op, she suspects it’s me but can’t prove it. Other people with have seen this behaviour. Will you be able to forgive yourself if you don’t report and something happens like the toddler accidentally injesting the cocaine

NotTakenUsername · 15/04/2018 07:52

Op I think it’s very easy to give advice to do ‘the right thing’ when it is a hypothetical. You didn’t ask about reporting to SS and I understand why. Will the children be removed and placed with family or taken into care? Is care worse than a feckless mother? If you report and the family ‘close rank’ does this woman keep her kids AND you lose your husband and extended family?

I understand. It’s not as clean cut as some pp would like to believe.

So you are frustrated because she is bleeding your family’s resources. Understandable. I don’t see the benefit in avoiding her at family events apart from avoiding spending time with her. It doesn’t change anything or fix anything.

It does sound like if you put your foot down or make a stand then your relationships will suffer. No advice as such, just wanted to give you some support.

Believeitornot · 15/04/2018 07:57

Children having different fathers wasn’t relevant OP, not really.

Please talk to your DH about the impact of her behaviour on her DCs and get them help.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 15/04/2018 07:57

" I would contact social services- but she would know it was me "

i dont think that should be your priority here, what about the children?

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