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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to going to DH family functions anymore?

59 replies

K1092902 · 14/04/2018 23:23

Because I really cant deal with his sister anymore?

Shes 33. Single mum of 3, oldest being 17, all by different dads (relevant not judgy pants). She has a bad cocaine addiction- says she wants to stop and will have "just one last night" and it just carries on and carries on. She has now got DNiece hooked on it too. She has to be the victim in everything.

Goes from one disasterous relationship to another- the longest she has held down a partner for is about 6 months and has been this way hwe whole life. Sometimes she pushes them away with her meedy attitude/temprement and some of them are just plain dickheads.

She is in a lot of debt- MIL and DH have just had to pay off about 3.5k in rent arrears. We had no idea it was going on until the courts wrote to her and said she would be evicted in 30 days if she didn't cough up basically.

She is constantly bleeding ILs and DH dry- she will be on the phone at least twice a week to DH asking for money. He has finally learnt to put his foot down but honestly think we could of put a deposit on a house he has sent that much of the course of our relationship.

We have tried telling ILs to stop giving her money and babysit for her so she can spend her money buying cocaine and getting off her tits. What concerns us though- is that she will do it in the house when the kids are about (17, 4 and 13 months).

She has to constantly play the victim- think how hard I have it as a single mum, if you stub your toe and your toe hurts she has a sore foot, constantly has a drama (which she usually causes) etc.

Its draining for me. Ive been with DH 10 years and nothing has changed.

AIBU to finally say I never want to see her again and not attend family events if she is doing so?

OP posts:
SunnyCoco · 15/04/2018 07:58

Please do report to NSPCC or SS
Completely understand about difficult family dynamics and politics but ultimately the safety of a baby has to come first

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 15/04/2018 08:03

I’m sorry but there comes a point where you will have the ask yourself what’s worse- your in laws not speaking to you or something terrible happening to one of those children. It’s not just having the cocaine around, it’s having the dodgy people sil buys it from in and out of the house!

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 15/04/2018 08:05

believeitornot I think it was relevant to create the whole picture. Obviously someone having children by different fathers generally doesn’t mean anything, but I do think in this case, with the other information, it is necessary so not to drip feed. Everyone would of asked about the father situation.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 15/04/2018 08:06

And social services don’t just take the children into care. Their first point of action is to work with the mother.

Playdow · 15/04/2018 08:07

I feel you, my sister in law is a bitch too. In fact, the women in my husbands family are a bunch of bitches. They slag off all the other women married to the men of the family, the outsiders to me, so heaven knows what they say about me, but as a result I told DH me or the kids will no longer be attending family events.

Nanna50 · 15/04/2018 08:12

Risk does not just arise from access to drugs or unknown adults in the home, it also arises from the neglect and the long term affect this can have on the children.

Social Services can remove a child immediately if there is serious risk but care is a last resort and working with the family to protect the children is the priority.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 15/04/2018 08:16

frankly it depends on your area and social worker.
It varies wildly.

MrsBertBibby · 15/04/2018 08:19

Social Services can remove a child immediately

No, they can't. No one but a police officer can "take" children. And that's for an extremely limited period whilst Social Services get their shit together.

Social Services can apply to the court for in interim care order, which may include removal and placement in foster care. The decision is made by the Court. They don't have to do as SS ask. The parents and the child are legally represented at that hearing.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 15/04/2018 08:22

well some of them think they can, Mrs Bibby.

DoctorWhatTheFuck · 15/04/2018 08:24

They should get her housing benefits paid directly to the Landlord. Call Shelter about this. The rent arrears are the biggest drain to your in laws so by doing this the biggest leak is plugged.

FASH84 · 15/04/2018 08:24

I agree with those saying contact children's services, having worked with addicts, victims and children I have seen the damage this home environment causes, what's next for DN? Criminal convictions? Substance linked aggression? Also who are they getting the drugs from? Those contacts aren't usually the nicest people and will have a different response to the landlord if she runs up debt with them. I'd she having other drug users in the house? What risk do they pose? If you do know any of the fathers could you contact them so they at least know of the situation? Also children's services work to support the family staying together wherever possible, care is a last resort and usually a lengthy process with child in need and child protection plans prior to that being instigated, asking with drug testing and rehab support in these circumstances. This isn't about financial burden and going to functions it's about risk of serious harm to three vulnerable children.

FASH84 · 15/04/2018 08:26

@MrsBibby I work in the sector and you're right. The image of the child snatching social worker really doesn't help!

OnTheRise · 15/04/2018 08:27

I'd report her to social services without a pause. So what if everyone knows it was you! Those children are in danger. They need help and support and it doesn't look like they'll get it from their own parents or grandparents.

If it does have a negative impact on your relationship with your husband then he needs to sort out his priorities. He should be putting the children first, not worrying about what people might think.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 15/04/2018 08:28

to be honest if you care about the children then do it.
Imagine being raised by a coke head mother...
Do they have new shoes and stuff or does she spend all her money on cocaine?

LexieLulu · 15/04/2018 08:35

Social services! 100%. If anything make up a little lie about your relation to her (be a neighbour or something).

The kids need to be looked after

ZenNudist · 15/04/2018 08:40

Be brave. Phone SS for the sake of the kids.

OR very brave. Talk to her and warn her that if she doesnt enter rehab and quit you will report her. Tell 17yo neice too she needs to quit so yoinger dc dont get taken into care. Harsh but they need motivation.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 15/04/2018 08:41

anyway they wouldnt tell her who contacted them, you can make it quite anonymous. Just she might have a good guess from what you say.
meh who cares, the rest of her family are just facilitating it, i think she needs to know that cocaine addiction and children just dont go together,

Nanna50 · 15/04/2018 08:44

Ok sorry if I gave the impression that a SW could come in and take your child, like a kiddy snatcher.

They would need to follow procedure but they can arrange for the child to be taken into care immediately, even if it is temporary, and then they get their shit together in time for the court to make an order. I also work in the sector and it happens.

I said if there was serious risk. However the second part of my sentence said that care was a last resort and working with the family is a priority. I agree that it also depends on the SW and sometimes their manager.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/04/2018 08:45

Zen
Problem with giving an ultimatum is the family may cover for her.... including her dh.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/04/2018 08:47

Believeitornot
I also think it’s relevant. It sounds as if the mother has probably chosen dead beat fathers, who have nothing to do with the children, which could have been a line of protection for them.

MetalMidget · 15/04/2018 08:50

You've got to let social services know. Those poor children. :(

LizzieDarcy1907 · 15/04/2018 09:06

You can stop attending family events, no one can stop you. But you can't stop her family including your DH from enabling her. Her poor kids Sad. How does she function if she's on cocaine 24/7? As for worrying about reporting her, she could point the finger at anyone - neighbour, school etc.

Uniglo18 · 15/04/2018 09:10

If you don't call social services then in 10-15 years time the children will be following in their mother's footsteps. The eldest already has, how is she going to fund her habit? Prostitution? The cycle has to be broken and the family isn't helping by giving cash and looking the other way.

MrsBertBibby · 15/04/2018 09:12

but they can arrange for the child to be taken into care immediately, even if it is temporary, and then they get their shit together in time for the court to make an order. I also work in the sector and it happens.

Once again, no, they can't. A social worker has no more power to take a child away from its parent than does the neighbourhood dog walker.

They have to get a Court order first.

What they can do is bully or cajole parents to agree (section 20) to temporary accommodation.

What often happens is that the police use their emergency powers, and hand the child to SS who the have to get an interim care order before the police power expires.

Social workers who take children without lawful authority tend to cause their department heads to get hauled into the High Court on a Wardship action, and their local authority to get sued into next week.

Original poster
K1092902 · 15/04/2018 09:22

Thank you for the advice everyone. I need to have a talk with DH today and decide what to do.

OP posts: