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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Larger person on the train

79 replies

mellowyellow2018 · 14/04/2018 14:48

I got in the train the other day and sat down in the only seat left next to a lady. It was pretty squashed so I sat on the edge of the seat (I could only get one bum cheek on the seat) so it wasn’t very comfortable but at least I was sat down as I’ve got a bad back (currently having physio so it’s sore)

She looked visibly worried but I just started reading my book and forgot about it until a stop before mine she said ‘I’m so so sorry, I’m very overweight and I need to ask you to move so I can get up, this is just the worst for my anxiety to ask you.’

I said of cause (I would of anyway) and said not to worry and the seats are cramped and too small (they really are)!

Should I have not sat down in the first place? I honestly felt awful that I had made her feel uncomfortable. Other people chose to stand instead of taking that seat...

I feel terrible that some people who are larger must feel this way. I don’t think seats on public transport give enough room

OP posts:
Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 14/04/2018 14:50

Why do you think she should have had two seats?

PinkCalluna · 14/04/2018 14:51

I think it was fine to sit down if the train was full.

It sounds like you and the lady were both very polite to each other - don’t over think it.

Poor lady.

Monkeypuzzle32 · 14/04/2018 14:51

she could have sat on the outer seat instead of the inner

SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 14/04/2018 14:52

Ofcourse you should have sat down. You didn't make her feel uncomfortable. She felt uncomfortable because she was fat.

Original poster
mellowyellow2018 · 14/04/2018 14:53

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar I think I made her feel bad by sitting half on the seat, she must have realised that I couldn’t sit properly. I find this happens quite a bit to be honest but it’s the fact that she was so apologetic. Made me question if I should not sit next to larger people who take up two seats.

I must add I think the seats are too cramped in the first place so anyone who’s not tiny is squashed!

OP posts:
Glumglowworm · 14/04/2018 14:55

Do skinny people really squeeze out? Surely it’s normal to stand to let others out regardless of size of either person? Certainly on the commuter trains I travel on youd be giving someone a lap dance if you tried to squeeze past them

Yanbu to sit in a seat. Both of you were polite. I’m not sure why you’ve started the thread tbh

sonjadog · 14/04/2018 14:55

I don´t see the problem. I think it is better that you sat there than everyone standing up because she took up two seats. That really would be drawing attention to her size.

MillieMoosMam · 14/04/2018 14:56

I'd think she'd probably felt worse over the other people choosing not to take the seat -

Original poster
mellowyellow2018 · 14/04/2018 14:57

Glumglowworm I get the train every day and this happens a lot!

I don’t want to spend my days making other people feel shitty

OP posts:
DanceDisaster · 14/04/2018 14:57

Poor woman, but of course ywnbu the sit next to her. It sounds like you were polite to each other. Was she just moving to leave the train? Not because you sat beside her?

Motoko · 14/04/2018 14:59

Well, you needed to sit down because of your back, so yes, you should have sat down.

Part of her anxiety is probably due to the worry of the reaction she'd get when asking you to stand up. She might have experienced abuse before. But you were polite to her, and tried to make her feel better by saying that the seats were too small, so don't worry about it.

Original poster
mellowyellow2018 · 14/04/2018 15:01

Okay thanks! I think I’m overthinking this - it’s just she sounded so sad and vulnerable. I just felt horrible that I may have been the cause

OP posts:
MCSpammer · 14/04/2018 15:01

It's an awful issue for very overweight people. A member of my family gets up at 5.30am so that she can get public transport with less people to tut at her. She's at work at least an hour before she needs to be. I feel sorry for her. I know she could 'do something about it' but really at her size it's become an impossible psychological hurdle.

BuntyII · 14/04/2018 15:02

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KurriKurri · 14/04/2018 15:08

Was she getting up so she could get off the train - if so I would have got up for her whatever size she was. I certainly don;t think you were rude, it sounds as if she is rather anxious about her size - maybe someone has said something nasty to her in the past to make her feel bad.

I was on a train recently and had to ask to swap with someone on the outer seat because I have restless legs and if I sit cramped in one postion they start really hurting and twitching. If I'm on the outside I can stretch them out. I just ask people if they mind swapping and it is fine.

I've also often had thin people ver occupying the psace because they have a laptop plus other stuff (Had a man next to me the other day who had laptop open, sketch pad, drawing equipment and he was sitting sideways - he was thin as a rake but took up loads of room)

Anyway - she sounds self conscious which is sad, and you sound pleasant and polite. if someone is larger they take up more room that's just fact - no point saying 'why should she have two seats' - she can't change her size overnight, she needs the room she needs. And i don;t think anyone should be made to feel bad or embarrassed about their weight.

Most overweight people are fully aware they are overweight, and I imagine most would prefer not to be, but it's not something you can fix quickly or easily.

Original poster
mellowyellow2018 · 14/04/2018 15:08

BuntyII It absolutely did happen!

OP posts:
Chrys2017 · 14/04/2018 15:09

I don't know why she didn't just say, "Excuse me, I'm getting off here".

Original poster
mellowyellow2018 · 14/04/2018 15:10

Chrys2017 I know I was really shocked at her honesty - that’s why I thought I had upset her and was in the wrong?

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 14/04/2018 15:13

I find this happens quite a bit to be honest

Then why bother posting about it? If it's something you've encountered on a regular basis, you should be proficient at coping with it.

You either want

A: To be told how inclusive and sensitive you are for not calling out the fat person for taking up all the space

B: To start an argument about how fat people shouldn't take all the space up.

There is no reason for this OP otherwise.

He11y · 14/04/2018 15:13

Can anyone get out of a window seat without the person in the outside seat moving? Everyone has to ask the other person to move don’t they? Or have I got the seat situation wrong?

Original poster
mellowyellow2018 · 14/04/2018 15:14

He11y Yes that’s why I said in the post I would have moved anyway!

OP posts:
Original poster
mellowyellow2018 · 14/04/2018 15:15

AjasLipstick I never had a person react the way she did. She looked like she was about to start crying

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 14/04/2018 15:16

So? What do you want? Unless she's on here and can say "I was just so moved that you deigned to sit by me"

Lizzie48 · 14/04/2018 15:17

I don't see why you think it didn't happen, it happens a lot. It happens a lot on journeys by aeroplane too. I remember a journey next to a very big man, on an 8 hour flight. I had less than half a seat to sit on, it was so uncomfortable.

BuntyII · 14/04/2018 15:17

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