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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Larger person on the train

79 replies

mellowyellow2018 · 14/04/2018 14:48

I got in the train the other day and sat down in the only seat left next to a lady. It was pretty squashed so I sat on the edge of the seat (I could only get one bum cheek on the seat) so it wasn’t very comfortable but at least I was sat down as I’ve got a bad back (currently having physio so it’s sore)

She looked visibly worried but I just started reading my book and forgot about it until a stop before mine she said ‘I’m so so sorry, I’m very overweight and I need to ask you to move so I can get up, this is just the worst for my anxiety to ask you.’

I said of cause (I would of anyway) and said not to worry and the seats are cramped and too small (they really are)!

Should I have not sat down in the first place? I honestly felt awful that I had made her feel uncomfortable. Other people chose to stand instead of taking that seat...

I feel terrible that some people who are larger must feel this way. I don’t think seats on public transport give enough room

OP posts:
missbonita · 14/04/2018 15:48

People who are overweight become defensive and paranoid because they face verbal abuse about the space they take up all the time. My BF has been pushed, shoved, squashed, told she is 'disgusting' etc in front of me. She's also been accused of having BO (she is always the most wonderful smelling person anywhere, ever). People are cruel and the poor lady you sat next to will have been reassured by your kindness. Of course you should sit down.

Chanelprincess · 14/04/2018 15:55

Pushing past someone to get out instead of asking them politely to stand up is very rude. I can't believe anyone would be very pleased to have another person's backside in their face - I certainly wouldn't. The lady did to the correct thing, irrespective of her size.

TeasndToast · 14/04/2018 15:57

I went to see Mickey Flamnigan at Wembley recently. A lady sat next to me but really, she ended up sitting ‘on’ me. It was painful. The seats were too small to accommodate very overweight people so her legs and sides just crushed me as she encroached on my seat.

I didn’t dare tell her as what could she do? It wasn’t her fault. I didn’t want to embarrass or upset her. But I couldn’t sit through the whole thing I was so uncomfortable so I left about 20 minutes early when I really couldn’t take any more.

I shouldn’t miss out on a seat I paid for and she shouldn’t be squashed into a seat she can’t fit into and hide away from the world because she isn’t a size 10.

Places should accommodate bigger people. They are not going away and it just makes life miserable for everyone by not catering for them.

JacquesHammer · 14/04/2018 15:58

I really think her anxiety is making her overthink.

I wouldn’t think twice about anyone - whatever their size - saying “excuse me, it’s my stop” and me getting up. Isn’t that what happens on every train journey ever?!

OP you absolutely did nothing wrong

MillieMoosMam · 14/04/2018 16:01

Ajas - I totally agree that voicing an opinion should be allowed, always-

But surely EVERY thread made is to get a reaction and a response - positive or negative - !? And who can possibly police what is bullshit or not if even THIS is getting called out by the 'you have to adhere to.....' lot? This isn't an offensive thread - its just a question that could (possibly) spark a debate....but you cant second guess that!! And anyway who says that's ever a bad thing!?

BuffyBee · 14/04/2018 16:06

Anyway, I was sat next to a bigger lady taking up some of my seat space on an early morning flight.
I woke up with a start and a snort and realised I was clutching her lovely soft upper arm like a pillow and drooling on her.
I apologised while wiping drool off her and saying she should have given me a nudge, she was lovely and said it's fine you were so peaceful I didn't want to wake you. I apologised again and said I hoped I hadn't been snoring as a joke and she said, "No, no, you were fine.
A couple across the aisle looked at me smiling and eye rolling he said, "Yes you were, you drowned out the engine noise" then all the seats round me burst out laughing.
Me and the woman had a laugh but I was bright red!

morningconstitutional2017 · 14/04/2018 16:12

It sounds like you were both reasonable. It must have taken quite a bit of courage for her use public transport at all, considering how ghastly a small minority can be. Don't worry yourself.

taytotayto111 · 14/04/2018 16:12

Listen, I can see it from both sides. I’ve been a size 28 in the past. On public transport no one used to sit next to me and it upset me a lot. I felt like a leper. Now I’m much slimmer but still big (size 18), and I’d definitely sit next to an overweight person. It was and is still my fault I’m not size 12 and I never expected special treatment. I’m very honest about my weigh problem. I’d have said the same, believe me she will have been mortified you were only just able to sit down. You did the right thing, honest you did. Xx

SirGawain · 14/04/2018 16:28

She was polite to you and you were polite to her, that's just as it should be. There is no need to be concerned, you were both respectful of each others feelings.

gillybeanz · 14/04/2018 16:37

You paid for a seat and I take it that she did too.
She didn't pay for 2 seats so you sat in a seat you were entitled to.
There really is no problem here.

wendiwoowho · 14/04/2018 16:38

Sometimes when people sit next to me on the bus, when I'm getting off they just swing their legs round into the aisle instead of standing up to the side, which makes me feel really uncomfortable going past them to get off, perhaps she just wanted to make sure you stood up instead of doing this?

She, and yourself, seemed super polite, I don't think she had an issue with you sitting down next to her though.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 14/04/2018 16:41

I hate it when people don't stand to let you out... I don't want to stick my bum in someone's face!

Lizzie48 · 14/04/2018 17:04

@AjasLipstick But if you think an OP is bull shitting why don't you just report them? Then MNHQ investigate and take the thread down if appropriate. A lot of threads are deleted.

No one can ever know for sure whether an OP is telling the truth anyway, it's a pointless discussion.

happypoobum · 14/04/2018 17:11

OP I think it is really sweet that you are so worried but honestly, this is about this lady and her issues. You didn't do anything wrong at all and you sound lovely.

Original poster
mellowyellow2018 · 14/04/2018 17:18

happypoobum thank you.

perhaps I come across as over sensitive but she was so sad! It may have been a small nothing encounter but it’s just stuck with me. Thanks for all your replies

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 14/04/2018 17:23

Millie
Some people create threads to set off a bomb to get everyone fighting. Certain subjects will induce anger and division. This one is potentially about fat shaming (but isn’t imo) and there have been very blatant threads asking “AIBU to think all fat people have no self control, should just go on a diet and stop wasting nhs money.” Others about the housing situation Eg “AIBU To think all baby boomers are greedy, stopping the younger generation from getting on the property ladder and should downsize when their children have flown the nest”.

Some people get suspicious or upset when such topics are discussed even for innocent reasons. Hence the comments on this thread.

The rules are there for a reason. It isn’t just about following the rules for the sake of it. Had a whole bunch of troll hunters shouted the op down on this thread for example, it probably would have chased her away. So therefore troll hunting isn’t allowed. It’s to protect everyone really. However, no system is perfect and sometimes threads stay up when perhaps they shouldn’t and others are taken down for no real reason that I can understand.

Original poster
mellowyellow2018 · 14/04/2018 17:27

I’m not a troll!

I’m just trying to point out that no one should feel bad when they are trying to go about their daily lives.

I can’t imagine how that poor woman feels every day x

OP posts:
Basta · 14/04/2018 17:30

You were perfectly polite - but you don't have to be a martyr about the situation.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/04/2018 17:34

mellow
I wasn’t talking about you so I hope your comment wasn’t in relation to me. I was explaining why troll hunting etc isn’t allowed. I already commented upthread. I believe you and it sounds as if you have a big heart.

Bolokov · 14/04/2018 17:42

You were both polite and behaved well nothing to worry about here.

Aridane · 14/04/2018 17:43

OP - it’s not all about you!

Aridane · 14/04/2018 17:43

I mean, it was nothing to do with you

amymel2016 · 14/04/2018 17:48

Speaking as a larger person I would rather someone had tried to squeeze next to me rather than be sat on my own sticking out like a sore thumb. I wouldn't worry about it Smile

He11y · 14/04/2018 17:48

The lady is obviously very self-conscious and anxious about her weight and I’m guessing she was partly saying about moving but partly apologising (in her own way) for taking up so much space. You handled it very well and there’s no need to worry about it any more - all you need to do in these situations is act politely and sensitively and you did both.

hungryhippo90 · 14/04/2018 18:00

oh bless you for worrying, but (as a rather large person myself!) id say please dont worry. you paid for a seat, so sit in one if its spare. She would have been horrified, but these situations do give us opportunities to realise the affect that the excess weight is having on our lives.