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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think if you want the legal protection of marriage then get married

947 replies

Sofabitch · 14/04/2018 12:19

I was listening to the radio this morning and they were talking about how widows allowance isn't paid to couples that weren't married, even if children are involved.

Aibu to think marriage is essentially the legal joining of people and if you want to be recognised legally and finacially then you should get married.

I guess the supreme court will ultimately decide if I am being unreasonable. But i can't help but think people dont realise the legal security marriage offers and they should.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 14/04/2018 16:37

Only if you perceive it.

PoorYorick · 14/04/2018 16:44

I do absolutely loathe the 'buy the cow for free' saying, and I absolutely agree that women's worth should not be bound up in whether or not they're married.

But I don't see marriage as patriarchal, or something I had to do to validate myself as a woman. I met the right man, I wanted children with him, I wasn't prepared to do that without this level of commitment. Luckily he felt the same.

I wouldn't deny myself the tangible benefits of marriage (for me, in my circumstances) just because of other people's associations. The entire legal system is rooted in feudalism and class division, if you're going to look at it that way.

BertrandRussell · 14/04/2018 16:45

"Only if you perceive it."

It's not a matter of perception- it is rooted in a patriarchal system. What is a matter of perception is whether that matter to you or not.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 14/04/2018 16:50

Reminds me of a lady I know who lived with her partner for over thirty years until he died. He left her virtually nothing in his will and the bulk of his £10m+ fortune to his estranged daughter. Can’t believe in all that time she never sorted it out. She wasn’t exactly after his money but he could have made sure she was secure. She was used to a nice house and a flash car and money in the bank and she had to leave the house as it was all in his name. Really sad.

DoctorWhatTheFuck · 14/04/2018 16:50

Or perhaps we could allow people to 'self declare' they are together?

You go to a registry office and declare you are together. You pay a fee of £94.

When you no longer want to be together you fill in an online form and pay a fee of £550.

Bluelady · 14/04/2018 16:52

Legal protection matters to me more than someone else's perception of the baggage marriage carries.

happypoobum · 14/04/2018 16:54

yanbu- I am shocked at the number of people who live in such a precarious position through their own volition.

BertrandRussell · 14/04/2018 17:01

Being unmarried does not necessarily mean precarious.

Slievenamon · 14/04/2018 17:02

Why should I be forced to get married to get my rights. We need equality

Nobody forces to you to anything, and they aren't your rights unless you get married.
Equality? Are you seriously complaining that the gays got more than you? Hmm

BertrandRussell · 14/04/2018 17:02

“Legal protection matters to me more than someone else's perception of the baggage marriage carries.”

Of course. I was explIning my position, not yours. But you can still have legal protections without marriage.

Slievenamon · 14/04/2018 17:03

It's not a matter of perception- it is rooted in a patriarchal system. What is a matter of perception is whether that matter to you or not

So are a lot of things but if you want to not gain legal rights and benefits because something used to be a way you don't like, then more fool you.

BertrandRussell · 14/04/2018 17:20

I feel quite secure. And it matters to me.

Oliversmumsarmy · 14/04/2018 17:24

*You go to a registry office and declare you are together. You pay a fee of £94.

When you no longer want to be together you fill in an online form and pay a fee of £550*

Cheapest divorce I have known was by friend who did virtually everything herself, represented herself etc her costs were £10,000.

I know no one ever who has just filled a form out to get a divorce

LoveInTokyo · 14/04/2018 17:26

“I feel quite secure.”

Well then for your sake I hope that your relationship works out and you don’t run into financial difficulties as a result of not being married, and that you don’t become one of the cautionary tales referred to in this thread.

Because there is a huge difference between feeling secure and actually being secure.

Confused
Slievenamon · 14/04/2018 17:27

Cheapest divorce I have known was by friend who did virtually everything herself, represented herself etc her costs were £10,000

For what? It doesn't have to cost anything like that, and if you do it all yourself who are you paying?

BertrandRussell · 14/04/2018 17:27

Hedged around with legal protections we are.

DoctorWhatTheFuck · 14/04/2018 17:28

The only costs come when the divorce is contested. In my line of work ( I won’t say- outing) I know of literally hundreds who have not paid more than the fees. You do not need a barrister/solicitor or even to go to court to get divorced.

KanielOutis · 14/04/2018 17:29

My divorce cost £550 (actually less because it was years ago). We split assets and that cost in terms of one pot becoming two, but there were no legal fees beyond the basic cost of a divorce.

LoveInTokyo · 14/04/2018 17:30

People have said this before, Bertrand, but it bears repeating.

It is not possible to replicate the same legal protections and advantages you get by being married without being married.

He’s named you the primary beneficiary in his will? Great. Terrific. Good for you. But he could revoke it tomorrow and leave everything to the Battersea Cats and Dogs Home if he wanted to.

DoctorWhatTheFuck · 14/04/2018 17:30

I’ve also found that people include in ‘the cost of divorce’ the cost of moving house, deposits etc. which they would still be paying if unmarried.

Figmentofmyimagination · 14/04/2018 17:31

When we finally have equal sharing of parenting, with both parties taking an equal long-term career and earnings hit as a consequence of having children, there will be no need for marriage, aside from the inheritance tax saving. However I suspect that day will never come.

DoctorWhatTheFuck · 14/04/2018 17:31

It is not possible to replicate the same legal protections and advantages you get by being married without being married

Also, only marriage can shelter you from inheritance tax.

pigsDOfly · 14/04/2018 17:34

I'm still not getting why people think they should have certain legal rights and obligations without having to sign the relevant legal documents.

If you want to get a mortgage to buy a house you have to sign certain forms, this protects the lender, and you as the borrower and also tells you and the lender the obligations they are obliged to fulfill under the law.

You can't stand in the solicitor's office stamping your foot saying 'I want to borrow the money but I don't want to enter into the agreement and sign the forms' - well you could but you wouldn't get your mortgage.

In the same way, if you don't want to enter into the legal contract of a marriage, you don't have to, absolutely no one is making you, but you can't then complaint when you don't have the same rights, or indeed the same obligations, as someone who has.

BertrandRussell · 14/04/2018 17:38

The reason that you have to jump through hoops to get a mortgage is to protect the interests of the organization lending the money.

Whose interests are protected by preventing unmarried couples having the protections married couples have? Or is it really just a case of dog in the manger?

Jaxhog · 14/04/2018 17:39

Marry, or don't marry. Your choice. But don't complain when you split up, and apologise to your kids for not securing THEIR future.