Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel so guilty (working mum)

62 replies

LEMtheoriginal · 14/04/2018 07:22

My dd is a very young 12. I work 40hr week over four days plus study. DP is self employed and sometimes able to work from home.

So over Easter I've had my two days off and that's it. The rest of the time dd effectively home alone. (Dp around but working in workshop at bottom of garden).

There was the opportunity to send dd to an activity at her school but we didn't in the end as she had a cold and the activity was sports based. She is usually active but not sporty iyswim. It would have felt like extended pe lessons! So we kept her home.

So the poor kid has been stuck home on her phone/ Xbox.

Yesterday she says was the best day of the holiday as I was able to take her out for the day. That she hated being stuck indoors and lonely.

I feel SHIT!!! I love my job but it's full on, stressful and notoriously low paid. My dp lost money/time because he was having to be home for dd and he potentially earns double my wage if not more. He isn't able to meet this potential as since I've been working the childcare is well and truly his responsibility. He is fine with this but his clients not so much Hmm despite his earning potential he is probably not achieving minimum wage so I'm the main earner.

My job has saved my mental health and I love it but I feel it is wrong for me to do this. My dd misses me. Dp says he will not even try to work through holidays again as dd so unhappy but losing his earnings has such an impact.

I'm so worried about the summer holidays.

If I quit my job there is no going back to this field. I'll be walking away from the qualification as this really was the last opportunity to do it.

How do people manage - I have no family support. My mother could help but she is old and not in good health (Long story) she would benefit from spending time.with dd but isn't interested. She lives around the corner and knew dd home alone but didn't even visit. I would never expect childcare but even asking dd round for an hour would have broken up her days.

I feel so selfish

OP posts:
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 14/04/2018 07:28

You don’t need to quit. Could you have taken a couple of afternoons off?

NapQueen · 14/04/2018 07:28

What is your annual leave entitlement? Is there an option to buy more?

Are your work able to accommodate a flexible working request?

Tbh its probably only another year or two before she will happily entertain herself in the holidays on days out and about with friends so stopping work altogether for a short time seems a waste.

And at least dp isnt going to work holidays again so he can entertain her in the meantime. Or split the holidays so he can work ft for 3 weeks of the summer; you take a different two weeks off then a summer camp for one week.

BugPlaster · 14/04/2018 07:28

The solution has to work for all of you. Can you do overtime every week before the summer and 1 less day each week in the summer? Book each holiday week with set activities for Dd: seeing a friend, going to a club, something she enjoys at home, visiting her grandmother (as you say, it's to break up her time so don't be too proud).

scurryfunge · 14/04/2018 07:29

Try to book a few days annual leave for the holidays. At 12 she can organise a few things herself. Why can't she meet up with friends?

Justanotherzombie · 14/04/2018 07:32

Don’t quit! She’ll be grown and not need company in the same way very very soon.

Lesson learned. You need to arrange activities and maybe a couple of days at friends/family houses for her. Also organise your days off so you can be there as much as possible without pissing work off.

bimbobaggins · 14/04/2018 07:34

If you can afford it take an extra couple of days unpaid or buy more annoying leave.
To be honest in another year or two you’ll probably find you won’t see much of her over the holidays. I’ve been off this week with my ds and I’d have been better at work as out with friends and xboxing.

Drycleanonly7 · 14/04/2018 07:34

Could your DP have taken her out over the break instead of working in the garden etc or arranged play dates for her? Why was she stuck indoors?

MrPerkinsisaprick · 14/04/2018 07:36

She's 12 and doesn't need you home every day in the holidays. She said it was a great day going out with you because it was a special treat. She wouldn't have seen it as that if you were at home all holiday taking her out every day.

Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 14/04/2018 07:37

Funny you should mention that - buying mote time. However I mentioned this to my line manager and was told in no uncertain terms that it wouldn't be worth it as there are too many folk off in school holidays as it is. We can only accommodate a limited number of people off at one time. I looked at the summer holiday Rota and there is no availability. I do have two weeks leave booked for that time.

I'm competing with other parents and trainees who all want school holiday times and it's very much a lottery.

It doesn't help that my hours are so long so they day completely gone before I'm home.

That is the frustration. A few years and she won't need me home.

OP posts:
Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 14/04/2018 07:39

Dry clean - he was able to take her for the odd hour. Her friends were all away (she doesn't have many locally) . He was busy trying to earn money Hmm

OP posts:
PumpkinPie2016 · 14/04/2018 07:39

You're not selfish - you are working to provide for your family. I also note that you say your job has helped your mental health - if you weren't working you would feel worse and perhaps not up for going places with your daughter.

I was often home on my own from 12 (with my younger sister) as my parents had to work and I know many of my friends were in the same boat so I am sure your daughter isn't the only one.

Can she invite a friend round for some of the days? Is she able to go into town/swimming/cinema with a friend? That way it will break up the hols for her.

It's hard but unfortunately, kids have to realise that sometimes parents have to work.

SingleAgainThen · 14/04/2018 07:40

My son is 11 & generally fends for himself in the holidays as I work ft self employed & can’t afford to take time off.

He tends to go round to friend’s houses or meet ups at the local skate park. I’ve also offered to organise friends to come round to ours for sleepovers so he’s not bored / lonely.

He seems pretty content most of the time.

Tired12345 · 14/04/2018 07:41

If you can afford to have you looked into unpaid parental leave? www.gov.uk/parental-leave
As I understand it your employer can't refuse your request only defer it - although appreciate might not make you popular.

Teateaandmoretea · 14/04/2018 07:45

Parental leave is the answer. It is unpaid but in comparison to quitting seems potentially a more sensible solution....

Teateaandmoretea · 14/04/2018 07:46

It's never made me unpopular as far as I'm aware.....

mindutopia · 14/04/2018 07:47

Please don’t feel guilty. When I was that age, my mum was a single parent and working full time plus occasional part time work plus commuting 3 hours a day (every day, there was no working from home in the 90s). She left me to entertain myself for school holidays and it was fine. I didn’t need days out and entertainment. I enjoyed walking to see friends, reading, watching tv, etc. and we did more things on weekends when she was home.

I agree make a plan for what she can do each week, maybe meeting up with a friend one or two days (likely other parents would be happy to help coordinate), then she could do some days at home by herself or with your dh working from home (my dh can get about a mornings work done even with our 5 year old around) and then one of you takes some time off other days. But please don’t feel guilty. She can entertain herself and as long as she’s safe one of you doesn’t need to be right next to her the whole time. Maybe just ask how she wants to spend her days over summer and put some concrete plans in place?

Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 14/04/2018 07:48

Tired I think that would make me unemployed rather than unpopular.

Dd really doesn't have many friends and they are not local so that isn't an option.

Looking to the summer holidays - I have two weeks booked. So I need to find something for the other four weeks.

Any suggestions for where I can look for stuff for her that she will enjoy? Most of the summer camps are based around sport and dd doesn't really enjoy it. She is very outdoorsy so a forest school might be good. We are in the south east.

Seems that most options aimed at primary aged children.

OP posts:
Grobagsforever · 14/04/2018 07:48

I'm confused-was DP working or not? Why is his earning potential being restricted if he is working all the time from his workshop?

Don't feel guilty. You're setting her the valuable example of financial independence

Lonecatwithkitten · 14/04/2018 07:52

Lots of the post-16 theatre schools run summer courses in my area, typically a show in a week type scenario.
DD since she was 11 has had a mix of that some staying home and some going to friends. As a single parent my options were very limited and now I have a DP he will get a break in August and is now she is 14 will be taking her for driving lessons at an airfield then. However, due to his Industry Easter, May Half term, July and October Half term are really busy for him. When I was similar age my Mum was working in the farm office and my dad was out on the farm and if we were not visiting friends we slept late, walked the dogs or read a book.

InDubiousBattle · 14/04/2018 07:52

Why the Hmm face when your dh says he's trying to earn some money'? Do you feel he could be doing morewith her during holidays etc?

NapQueen · 14/04/2018 07:53

A week away at PGL?

Fuckitletshavevino · 14/04/2018 07:55

Op I know how you feel. I couldn’t get any A/L for the Easter hols so my 7yo has spent most of it at his dads. He has still got to go out and enjoy himself but he really wants to go for a day out with me. I had a driving assessment on Thursday so I can start driving the work vans rather than work on foot and my son was so excited because he thought it meant I would finish work earlier and he would be able to spend more time with me. Unfortunately that isn’t the case. I too only have 2 weeks leave for the summer hols. Just make the most of the days you do have off Flowers

Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 14/04/2018 07:56

Grobags - yes he was working but he was restricted in terms of hours he could put in as I'm out of the house for 11 hours and he can't leave dd to completely fend for herself.

Banking hours by working my day off has potential but again we are restricted on holiday allocation due to the nature of the job.

I think I just need to get more organised in terms of finding dd something she will enjoy over the summer. So any ideas for that would be great

OP posts:
toolazytothinkofausername · 14/04/2018 07:57

She is in secondary school. Next holidays she needs to either have a friend come over to chill (leave her with streaming service/DVDs with plenty of junk food), or meet a friend somewhere (shops/cinema). You have nothing to feel guilty about!

Namechange128 · 14/04/2018 07:58

I'm a bit confused about your DP - you said he was losing money, but also working on the workshop. If he was actually working then he surely wasn't losing money - or if he wasn't working but using the time to get stuff done at home then he should be spending more time with her?