Feel so guilty (working mum)

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My dd is a very young 12. I work 40hr week over four days plus study. DP is self employed and sometimes able to work from home.

So over Easter I've had my two days off and that's it. The rest of the time dd effectively home alone. (Dp around but working in workshop at bottom of garden).

There was the opportunity to send dd to an activity at her school but we didn't in the end as she had a cold and the activity was sports based. She is usually active but not sporty iyswim. It would have felt like extended pe lessons! So we kept her home.

So the poor kid has been stuck home on her phone/ Xbox.

Yesterday she says was the best day of the holiday as I was able to take her out for the day. That she hated being stuck indoors and lonely.

I feel SHIT!!! I love my job but it's full on, stressful and notoriously low paid. My dp lost money/time because he was having to be home for dd and he potentially earns double my wage if not more. He isn't able to meet this potential as since I've been working the childcare is well and truly his responsibility. He is fine with this but his clients not so much despite his earning potential he is probably not achieving minimum wage so I'm the main earner.

My job has saved my mental health and I love it but I feel it is wrong for me to do this. My dd misses me. Dp says he will not even try to work through holidays again as dd so unhappy but losing his earnings has such an impact.

I'm so worried about the summer holidays.

If I quit my job there is no going back to this field. I'll be walking away from the qualification as this really was the last opportunity to do it.

How do people manage - I have no family support. My mother could help but she is old and not in good health (Long story) she would benefit from spending time.with dd but isn't interested. She lives around the corner and knew dd home alone but didn't even visit. I would never expect childcare but even asking dd round for an hour would have broken up her days.

I feel so selfish

I think this age is a very vulnerable age and all the way up to around 16 years.

Although I hear you when you talk about your need to work for your mental health, your dd mental health is important too. And it is too long to live a 12 year old day in and day out on their own.

From now on you probably know you need to plan the holidays far more carefully.

You are taking two weeks off can your dh not take alternative weeks so she has someone with her for three weeks or even four?

It is not ideal, but far better to split your leave than to leave her on her own.

You are right about the camps they are aimed at younger children, however the tennis ones are for older children. There are also some amazing art courses and workshops you could research. Horse riding and sailing courses all attract older children.

Arrange a few sleepovers with her friends. What about a sleepover with your mother? She might be ill and infirm but would appreciate the company no doubt.

Your dh could take her for days out and maybe on top of your two week holiday you could take a few extra days leave (make up some reason)

Six weeks isn't long if you plan well

Namechange - simply because he wasn't able to put the hours in as he normally would and distracted etc so yes he was earning but it wasn't the mist efficient of times.

It wasn't helped by the fact that dd was under the weather.

You don’t need to feel guilty, because your dh has said he is going to organise things differently next holidays (fab to see an equal partnership, where he is doing what you would if you could).

She will learn to fill her time a bit, and she will grow up fast.

OP, you can't be fired for requesting parental leave, and your employer can't legally deny it. They can only delay when you take it.

Does she not want to go out with friends or stay over at friends if they are further away? At 12/13 or so most DC are wanting to do their own thing (and care more about mum/dad giving them a lift!) Why does she have no "local" friends?

There are sailing courses I think although dd never been it might be worth a look. Won't that be £££? Horse riding ok but usually school hours and means dp would need to drive her and would cut into his day too much which depending on his work commitments at the time may be prohibitive (this would be DD'S choice though I'm sure).

She did do a drama thing a few years back that runs only for two weeks of holiday but that is two weeks covered. So will contact those.

I thought it would get easier

Yes am very lucky that DP has the flexibility and willingness to step up. It jyst didn't work as we would have hoped.

What about your 2 weeks off, DP the same and maybe a camp for final 2 weeks?

I know DP earning, but if you were prepared to take parental leave then surely you/he could manage a couple of weeks unpaid (maybe he could work evenings/weekend if job allows)?

My DS (13) alternates time with grandma- he is too old to go there for days & days of childcare, but goes the odd day, they do cooking I.e he makes lunch for everyone or brings home a dish he's made for tea. He helps his dad at work on occasional days, DH is self employed. He stays in and plays on Xbox, sleepovers with friends, has done a football camp, also golf / tennis camp. I take a couple of odd days, we go to cinema / bowling etc.
It's a common enough issue, dint wuit work over it. You just need to plan for your dd a bit better, give her a couple of 'tasks' too if she is responsible enough.

We’ve organised our summer leave the same way for years.

Although the difference for us is dh finishes by 2pm and I wfh 2 days, in office 3 days.

Friends/family/home alone 1 week (which I repay when I’m off). I take 3 weeks leave, dh takes 2 weeks leave (overlap for 1 week). Then one week holiday club. It took a while to find the right holiday club, but they are now 13 and 15 and really enjoyed last year as there were quite a few of them from their sports club go together.

Mix and match and home alone is fine just not all in one batch. HTH.

I think perhaps your best key is to get more organised? I live in London where we are lucky enough to have lots of holiday club options - do you have any others? Lots of drama and art and science clubs run? Or team up with some other parents and share it out, eg your kid has friends one day and then vice-versa. But lots of working parents have this reality you know - job satisfaction is important to me too, as is seeing my adult friends, and I like the money too - everything is a trade off in life...

OP have you looked at the residential courses offered by the company that runs Camp Beaumont? There may be one in your region? Or PGL as PP suggest They're not solely sports based but obviously do include activities. My DS is now 12 and does attend CB day camps and they're not obligated to join in anything they don't want to, but at least have company for the day.

Ideas for next holidays, Could you afford a UK based PGL trip? www.pgl.co.uk My DC had one of those and absolutely loved it. This might not be doable this year for her but maybe next year. She gets an activity based holiday for as long as you choose and you get the same time off from feeling guilty.

Try to organise a mix of activities for her for the summer. Maybe a few days here and there where she is at an activity and a few where he has alone time.

Get your DP to sort some 'work' she can do with him. It could be dull things like cleaning kit in the workshop with him or sorting boxes so shes occupied and not alone. Pretty normal for kids to work in parents business in the holidays. Talk with your DP if there is anything she could help out with and if he does deliveries or supply runs etc he needs to make a point of taking her.

see if you can get your rota a good few weeks in advance so the days off you do have you can book things to do.

cinema and shopping is an easy one!

but more adventures further afield see if your boss can put your days off together. Eg if you have 2 days off a week ask if you can have them back to back end of one week start of next so you could have a mini holiday. You're not taking time off just managing it in a different way. I used to do this with my boss and he was good about it as long as he had a lot of notice and oft this meant I had to work 10 days straight to get those days together but it was worth it.

camps.kingswood.co.uk/

Have a look at ATE superweeks, they are fairly reasonably priced and my daughter has absolutely adored going on them. I wish I’d discovered them earlier.

The life-saver for me when my children were that age was horse-riding. They went to classes, which was great, but the real winner was that they made friends their own age, and volunteered at the stables. Lots of mucking out, chatting in the communal kitchen over cups of tea, it's outdoorsy and physical. Riding stables can't function without the army of young girls (mostly) who do a lot of the work for free, and if you're lucky it keeps the kids on the straight and narrow through the teen years, and saves on expensive designer gear 😜

Are there any other courses for girls her age in the area? It's a good way to make friends. Cycling? Martial arts? Youth orchestra, brass band, anything at all where she'd meet other youngsters and build a social life?

Would one of her friend’s parents agree to friend staying for a week while DH is in the workshop?

And you’d be home at night, too.

Were there no other holiday club (non-school) options? To be honest, imho 12 isn't that young. By that age I was starting to meet up with friends for the afternoon, having sleepovers, going to the cinema or shopping in town or whatever in the holidays not sitting on my Xbox or phone. My mum was a single parent and worked full time though.

This might be a bit of a wild card, but is it possible for her to have a pet? It would keep her company and give her something to do, perhaps chickens?

Do you live in a rural area and too far away from dd's friends for her to see them much in the holidays? Even if she only has a few friends from school and not a big group there's nothing wrong with that, I preferred having just a few good friends myself at that age. Could you try to get to know the parents a bit so for future holidays you can arrange some days for her to hang out with her friends at yours or theirs? Find out from the parents when they're around over the summer holidays and get some days with friends booked in? We're in Kent and there are a lot of holidays schemes that run for older kids, not all sporty. Art, forest school, performing arts etc, maybe try and sign up to something with a friend in the summer holidays?

I don’t quite get why your dh hasn’t done more with her?

I try and take one or two special days off every holiday to do something nice to make it memorable.

Otherwise, agree most parents organise a series of play dates as that really helps.

I’m going to go against the grain here and whilst I don’t want to be mean to you I think you need to step up. It is not okay. You’re not getting rid tkme back and nor is you ur daughter. If you want to have a decent relationship with her in years to come then risk upsetting your employer and not her. You can find a way to make this work, there are holiday clubs and groups you can organise for summer. You could take two weeks off and so could her father.

DD was home alone as soon as she started secondary school. She does have an older brother but he will doing his own thing. We got Netflix for the first summer holidays so she caught up with the boxed sets that her friends had been talking about. Each year gets easier as they grow up.

I'm confused about no local friends though. At secondary they get used to getting buses so DD could still meet up in the town where they go to school. Are there no buses near you? Or could your DH drop her off then get back to work?

Do not quit work.

1. your daughter enjoyed the day because it was a novelty. If you had tried to take her out every day of the holidays, she would likely have felt very differently.
2. she is on the cusp of being much more independent/not wanting to do much with her parents.
3. it is good for her to entertain herself sometimes. She could plan an activity she would enjoy and you could encourage this (baking a cake, having a go at making dinner, planning a walk for the weekend)
4. your partner is able to do more to engage her too. It is not all on you.

Re summer holidays, there are theatre and music activities in most towns. www.summer-schools.info/performing-arts/
Or science camp
www.richereducation.co.uk/product/stem-summer-camp-week-1/
A week pony camp at an equestrian centre?

Sleepover with friends ? She goes to a friend for two days at some point and you have the friend back in return at some point? Other parents might be equally keen to set that up.

It does sound like you and your DH need to chat more because you’re regarding this as your problem to solve but at the moment, he is not earning and not making your dd happy.

Wouldn’t it be better if he stepped up his work and you saved to pay for a nice holiday club for the next holiday, and you book a few days off?

I always forget to plan but all the good clubs round here get booked up, and if you request summer holiday now it won’t be a surprise