Feel so guilty (working mum)

[LEMtheoriginal]

My dd is a very young 12. I work 40hr week over four days plus study. DP is self employed and sometimes able to work from home.

So over Easter I've had my two days off and that's it. The rest of the time dd effectively home alone. (Dp around but working in workshop at bottom of garden).

There was the opportunity to send dd to an activity at her school but we didn't in the end as she had a cold and the activity was sports based. She is usually active but not sporty iyswim. It would have felt like extended pe lessons! So we kept her home.

So the poor kid has been stuck home on her phone/ Xbox.

Yesterday she says was the best day of the holiday as I was able to take her out for the day. That she hated being stuck indoors and lonely.

I feel SHIT!!! I love my job but it's full on, stressful and notoriously low paid. My dp lost money/time because he was having to be home for dd and he potentially earns double my wage if not more. He isn't able to meet this potential as since I've been working the childcare is well and truly his responsibility. He is fine with this but his clients not so much despite his earning potential he is probably not achieving minimum wage so I'm the main earner.

My job has saved my mental health and I love it but I feel it is wrong for me to do this. My dd misses me. Dp says he will not even try to work through holidays again as dd so unhappy but losing his earnings has such an impact.

I'm so worried about the summer holidays.

If I quit my job there is no going back to this field. I'll be walking away from the qualification as this really was the last opportunity to do it.

How do people manage - I have no family support. My mother could help but she is old and not in good health (Long story) she would benefit from spending time.with dd but isn't interested. She lives around the corner and knew dd home alone but didn't even visit. I would never expect childcare but even asking dd round for an hour would have broken up her days.

I feel so selfish

I think you just need to expect that financially covering for the holidays is expensive. So if you can't get much time off then don't feel guilty that your DP has to take time off - you're bith parents after all and this should only be for a couple of years longer.

I'd encourage her to take up some more hobbies at school to try and build some friendships though. It's lovely that she gets so much out of spending time with you but at that age they should be starting to transition over to wanting to spend time with her friends.

Don't give up your job if you're enjoying it, but do make sure you explore every avenue to get school holidays time off. There's always something to feel guilty about. We went skiing with DS and had a great time, but he spent most of the trip looking wistfully at the school ski trips and I wished I'd tried to encourage him more to go on the school trip with his pals.

I think you're taking too much of this guilt onto yourself actually. She's had a low key holidays because of a lot of circumstantial stuff - she's an awkward age, she was ill, she had no friends nearby. Change any one of those things and her holidays would have been different - don't take the blame entirely onto your work. It's also OK for kids to have a boring time sometimes. My mum didn't drive and dad worked long hours. We never went anywhere in the school holidays and never expected to either. Expectations are so high these days, everyone expects us to entertain the kids constantly. It's OK not to do that!

So, sure make some plans for the long summer holidays, but go easy on yourself.

You both will need to find a club for her. My ds who is only six has spent every single day at holiday club. I felt so guilty but it was just how it had to be this time around. He enjoys the clubs and Has had a good time though.

If sports is the only thing going it is better to do that for a week or two than sit indoors in front of the screen. Maybe she will make some new friends that way too?

I have a DD who is the same age as OP's. Whilst I'm able to take some annual leave over holidays, more often than not DD is not particularly interested in doing things with me.
For most of her holidays she either organised things with friends, met up with local children (not particularly friends other than when she wants to hang out in the holidays), or just went to places where she was likely to meet others that she knew (again, not particularly friends).

By age 12, I really think the onus is on the DC's to make the effort to organise their free time - parents only getting involved if lifts are required or you're arranging some mutual "childcare" set up.

If DD's friends were all away this holiday, that presumably means they'll be at home for the next holiday?

how does she want to spend her holidays?

She wants to spend them with us. She is very sensitive and most likely on the spectrum although we haven't investigated a diagnosis.

She certainly isn't at the stage where she can just go off to another town/city with her friends. Local town is fine but where her school is in the nearby city her friends are spread wide. I think friendships are the main issue for her. She was due to spend time with a friend on Thursday but they cancelled.

Dd does understand re work etc but I just feel sorry for her.

It does suck Lem, no chance for you to bank overtime hours for extra holiday at all?

It might be good for her if you sat and had a chat about her building up her play dates if that’s possible

Your dd is old enough to organise her own time. This holiday she was bored, but is also too old for childcare. So give her the calendar for whitsun and the summer holidays, marked with your weeks off, her dad's availability and suggest she makes a plan. (Make it clear that 6 weeks glued to her xbox is not a plan). What would she like to do? Can she invite friends over? If she's an outdoors type do you live somewhere where she can set off out for the day with a couple of friends, a map and a mobile?

Enlist grandma. My dd (11) has had good days with her gran because my mother insists she arrives with a project or somewhere she wants to visit. So they do things like a day learning to make a dress, and a day trip out.

Are there any holiday clubs locally you could get her into. We have quite a few here run by the local council. My DD 11 rides so she has spent most of the Easter holidays at the local stables- they do a Pony loan week. We have drama clubs, sports clubs and youth club type groups near here. Some are quite pricey but maybe she could just do a few days each week to break it up.? My DS 13 hasn't done much either and I felt bad as I needed to leave him in alone to go and help my elderly parents. But he was quite happy sleeping till lunchtime every day. He met friends a few days but the weather has been rubbish here so he was happy enough to just stay in and watch Netflix. I think when they get older they are just happy to laze about and not be at school Xxx

So, again, she was unlucky really. If she'd have been 100% well she could have had a go at the sports camp. She could have also had a day with a friend. Those 2 things falling through were nothing to do with your work. Give her a hug, sympathise with her and try and make a plan together for the next holiday.

Are putting OP's child in summer camps all summer long the advice she has been given on here?

There hasn't been much emotional support for what she has expressed she is feeling.

OP it's not an easy situation.

Can you pay an older responsible teen to be around for some of the day?

It's a tricky age - can be left for abit but my dd of same age would struggle with days at a time. Too old for traditional childcare too young for total independence

Don't think "summer clubs all summer long" is the answer...just to say it can be a tricky age when the kids are older and have their own ideas about what they would like to do but with 2 working parents and no local support the school holidays can be hard to cover and most families I know do use the clubs for a week or so and some of them are really good and the kids enjoy them. Even at the older age they can be tailored more for their interests, e.g drama or riding. I definitely also feel the guilt OP so you are not alone. My parents were both teachers so were always around in the holidays but it's not the same for us. My husband gets only 4 weeks a year and must take them at certain times as his company shuts down and I have had to buy extra weeks but still not enough to cover full summer . I think if you talk to her and make a bit of a plan for the summer it might help you feel a bit more positive 💐💐💐