I think I've fucked up with contact arrangements

[Ahhhfuckivefuckedup]

My ex is father to my 2 youngest, I threw him out about 9 months ago when I found he had 2 dc he didn't tell me about and hadn't paid for or acknowledged (after us having a 5 year relationship).

He has blocked all avenues for me contacting him as he stole some things out of my house while seeing our dc (He is in homeless accommodation and I went out while he saw our dc in my house) and I called him out on it.

He then went to a solicitor (he is unemployed and gets legal aid, I work and do not) about contact.

I told his solicitor I didn't need to get representation I have no interest in stopping my ex seeing my dc he was the one who stopped contact. He told his solicitor he didn't wish to discuss money or items he stole from my house with me and felt it was a condition if seeing our dc. I said it absolutely wasn't.

Long story short we arranged the first contact through his solicitor. He was aggressive and defensive and shouted that he would not discuss money with me (I didn't ask) then at drop of I asked which of the dates I had given would he like to see our dc on and he said his solicitor would be in touch. I said that was stupid when he literally just have to say a day to me and we could arrange things ourselves he didn't need a solicitor as I wouldn't stop contact.

He walked off.

Cut to a few days later his solicitor sends a letter demanding that I provide nappies, cream, wipes and lunch when he has our dc.

I was pretty irritated by this considering he has provided diddly squat for 9 months for our dc and sent an email back saying I was unwilling to provide items he would have to do it himself as I pay for absolutely everything else.

10 minutes before contact this morning his solicitor emails to say that he wouldn't be here as he cannot afford to provide nappies etc.

I let my hot headed ego get in the way of what was best for my dc and I'm kicking myself but am unsure what I can do to redeem it.

I know I had a point (or did I?) but it was about me and not my dc and I feel like a real bitch.

Where do I go from here, offer more contact dates and say I'll provide everything? Wait for a response from the solicitor?

I have no clue what to do now or what's the best thing for my dc. Can someone help me see things more clearly from an outsiders view as I'm too (understandably) involved.

Didn't want to read and run but firstly you absolutely should not provide everything that would set a dangerous precedent further down the line as he would argue you used to do it and now wont.

Secondly get legal advice if he's unwilling to see his children because you wont provide nappies and cream he sure as hell ain't going to provide child support without a fight.

Does he get legal aid? I thought that was only for domestic violence she it came to family cases?

I don't think you have screwed this up. He would let you go on providing everything for evermore probably. He is likely just using it as an excuse anyway. Probably best you find out now what his intentions are - dc in nappies sound young enough for it not to be that big a deal if he can't be bothered to see them. (Though tough on you). You probably already have with regard his older dc realistically.

I'd just sit back and see what he does next who,st making your own plans not to be reliant on him in anyway.

I also thought legal aid was for cases of domestic violence and only if not working, so on benefits.

I feel like it's pety not to. If he doesn't have them they will be here using nappies and eating anyway so I'm not losing anything really. On the other hand I feel that the least he can do is provide a few nappies for his dc they didn't even have Christmas or birthday presents from him.

They are 1 and 2 so really little and they don't really care either way, they barely know him actually. I just don't want to start using my kids as a weapon against him and I'm very conscious that I may be doing that by not providing these things.

I also don't want my dc to be a dirty little secret like his other 2 were, I so want them to have a decent dad and feel I've fucked that up too.

He definitely gets legal aid I had some papers through stating his intent on them and the letters say something about legal aid on the top. I didn't think he would be entitled either but I'm not exactly sure of the rules.

I'm not reliant on him at all. A few months ago I had to go into hospital for a small operation and he demanded money to babysit his kids or he wouldn't do it. I paid someone else instead.

He isn't working. We are in Scotland if that makes a difference.

He couldn't say I was violent to him and get legal aid without me being aware could he?

Get legal advise

Write this all down

You only need to make the children available for access - you did this - he refused based on finances.

You didn't prevent him seeing the kids he did that.

It's not unreasonable for you to expect him to provide a few basics

(Wanted paying for babysitting parenting his own children

Hmm, I used to provide a full change bag when xH had DC2 when he was little. XH earned more than me, but had daytime contact only, so I had everything anyway and change bag was always full.

But I don’t think that is the point. The point is the threatening manner in which you have been treated, and are still being treated. It is this you responded to, NOT the request for provisions for DC. You have been stolen from, shouted at, threatened and had aggressive legal correspondence. That is not how you want to be treated.

Wait for a response from his solicitor. Log everything which happens. You did not obstruct contact. There was no reason he could not have turned up and just asked for a nappy and said it would be a short trip to the park as that was what he could afford.

This is how he wants to play and will continue to play. You do everything, upto and including paying him to look after his own kids or he doesn't see them.
I would sack him off now to be honest whilst the children are still babies who by your own admission hardly know him.
He's been no father to his other two and doesn't look like he's changing.

I say this as someone who has gone way over and above to maintain contact between my ds and his father, including sending food at times.
All this nonsense with solicitors is a hassle you don't need with two babies to raise is a hassle and a drain you don't need. Seems like him seeing them will be more trouble than its worth.
Is he wanting to have contact at your house?
Have you got other support nearby?

Legal Aid can also be given if the other parent has abused the child in question. (I know this first hand unfortunately). Absolutely NOT accusing you of such a thing OP, just correcting PP

I can't afford legal advice unfortunately so I'm having to go it alone here. I have 2 jobs, childcare to pay, other dc to support and am barely making ends meet as it is.

He is managing to smoke, started smoking weed from what I hear, and also has expensive items from my house that he could sell to afford nappies but he hasn't.

I have offered daytime contact just now as his accommodation isn't suitable for children and said I will revise it when he gets a house. He has also said that because I can't offer him a set contact day I'm being awkward but I work shifts in both jobs and have to be here for pick up and drop off of our dc so I'm really not being awkward, I'm offering between 2 and 3 days and times per week that fit around my shifts. I've actually offered more hours than I get to see my dc for between my jobs and everything else.

Maybe I'm not being quite as selfish as I thought I was then.

Thanks, it's good to hear other opinions.

Also, nappies are £2.10 per PACK from Aldi! Is he really that hard up? Unemployment benefits would easily cover £2.10! And if he can't afford nappies then how is he going to manage when Contact becomes longer and they become older and start to need/want more?

He wants to take our dc out to the park for hours at a time since I refuse to let him in my house after stealing from me. This will change when he gets a house.

I have no support here at all. I have a few friends and the childcare I have in place for my dc but that's it really.

I have a feeling he will eventually just piss off and leave my dc like he did with the other 2 I found out about. I keep swaying between thinking that will be a good thing and a bad thing.

Just deny contact. He clearly can't provide for them! Sounds like he'll soon lose interest then the children will be upset.

Just cut your losses!

People on the dole manage to buy nappies. Providing him with everything needed to parent his own dc is enabling him to be a lazy sponging fucker imo.

Legal Aid can also be given if theotherparent has abused the child in question.

There has been nothing like this in the paperwork or any hint I abused him. Would I know about if if he had made accusations to get legal aid?

I have no idea why he is so hard up he can't afford a fiver for nappies and wipes, he certainly managed to get new clothes and shoes and continues to smoke. I guess his priorities are clear here.

You're not being selfish. You're actually being really nice to him.

Stop being nice to him.

I dont have a clue about legal aid in UK but I would suggest talking to a women's' charity or shelter. They can often offer really good advice and people/organisations that can help.

Scottish solicitor here.

Legal aid is different here. It is financial assessment only. Two types, advice and assistance for trying to resolve matters out with court. That looks at income and dependents in household and capital. Then court which looks at income and outgoing And dependents and capital.

Book to see a solicitor for a free meeting. Look on Scottish legal aid board website. There is an eligibility calculator there, if income low and two children you are very likely to get legal aid.

For court legal aid the legal aid board look at the merits of the case, but as I say that is not restricted to only domestic abuse cases as per England.

I’d usually advocate to try and encourage contact in any way you can, but in this scenario I’d say cut contact. I think he’s just playing a bit of a power game with you - if he actually wanted to see his children he’d buy some fucking nappies.

You did nothing wrong, are they really benefitting from a dad who can’t spare £5 for nappies and a loft of bread.

Is this mediation? I would be inclined to agree to send you dc with items he needs but only for a set amount of time. I think if it did go to court it would look much better on you if you agreed to provide the items for a set period of time, say 3-6 months to allow your DC time with their DF and give their dad time to get back on his feet and provide for his dc.

I cant see how you're being selfish at all - he should pay maintenance before he 'demands' to see them a set time and day etc.
I would just let him walk out of their lives rather than fuck them up by letting them down and showing them where they are on his priority list.

your wish for him to be a good dad isn’t dependent on you providing nappies, it’s about him wanting to spend time with his kids no matter what it takes. Clearly he is as good a father as he has always been. See what he does next, don’t run rings trying to appease him, he clearly is more interested in stressing you out then seeing the kids.

You're not the one who has fucked up. I've never needed a solicitor for anything so maybe I'm naive but I can't get my head around the idea of a professional solicitor sending an email saying their client won't see his child because he won't buy nappies!

fourpawswhite that is so helpful thank you. I was worrying he had said all sorts of things about me to get legal aid. I just went o to the site and it seems I may qualify for legal aid. Another site I was on said I wouldn't.

I asked for mediation as I didn't want to send 10 emails for each lot of contact when all he had to do was say which day he could pick the dc up on. He wants court ordered contact though which I simply can't do until he gets a house to take them to. It's such a mess.

He is just stressing me out, he is more interested in telling people he has had to get a solicitor involved than seeing our dc.

I just want to do right by my dc though. Is a shit dad better than no dad? I just don't know.

This was the email(with identifying bits taken out)