I think I've fucked up with contact arrangements

[Ahhhfuckivefuckedup]

My ex is father to my 2 youngest, I threw him out about 9 months ago when I found he had 2 dc he didn't tell me about and hadn't paid for or acknowledged (after us having a 5 year relationship).

He has blocked all avenues for me contacting him as he stole some things out of my house while seeing our dc (He is in homeless accommodation and I went out while he saw our dc in my house) and I called him out on it.

He then went to a solicitor (he is unemployed and gets legal aid, I work and do not) about contact.

I told his solicitor I didn't need to get representation I have no interest in stopping my ex seeing my dc he was the one who stopped contact. He told his solicitor he didn't wish to discuss money or items he stole from my house with me and felt it was a condition if seeing our dc. I said it absolutely wasn't.

Long story short we arranged the first contact through his solicitor. He was aggressive and defensive and shouted that he would not discuss money with me (I didn't ask) then at drop of I asked which of the dates I had given would he like to see our dc on and he said his solicitor would be in touch. I said that was stupid when he literally just have to say a day to me and we could arrange things ourselves he didn't need a solicitor as I wouldn't stop contact.

He walked off.

Cut to a few days later his solicitor sends a letter demanding that I provide nappies, cream, wipes and lunch when he has our dc.

I was pretty irritated by this considering he has provided diddly squat for 9 months for our dc and sent an email back saying I was unwilling to provide items he would have to do it himself as I pay for absolutely everything else.

10 minutes before contact this morning his solicitor emails to say that he wouldn't be here as he cannot afford to provide nappies etc.

I let my hot headed ego get in the way of what was best for my dc and I'm kicking myself but am unsure what I can do to redeem it.

I know I had a point (or did I?) but it was about me and not my dc and I feel like a real bitch.

Where do I go from here, offer more contact dates and say I'll provide everything? Wait for a response from the solicitor?

I have no clue what to do now or what's the best thing for my dc. Can someone help me see things more clearly from an outsiders view as I'm too (understandably) involved.

This man will piss you and the children around forever if you allow him to. Cut your losses now, while the children are young and not damaged by his behaviour.
Block him and move on with your life with your children. He's in no position to be calling the shots at all. Take the legal advice, and if he gets as far as asking for contact through the courts, make a good case that it should be supervised at a contact centre.

I don't think he will take it through the courts- he sounds as though he doesn't really want contact with his children, but wants you to be the one to tell him he can't have it, thus absolving himself of any guilt and blame.

Honestly, do not engage any further. He wants to tell the world what a good dad he is, he has a lawyer!!! Whooppee freakin dooo. His actions tell you all you need to know.

I read that message as "I'm getting paid to send you this message, so I'm sending it." I don't see that it has any legal status.

I also suspect it means "I've told him he's an idiot, but he's ignored me"

I got all sorts of bizarre letters from my ex's solicitors, they pretty much have to act on their clients' behalf. He wasnt a drug user but was an arse. I went to court, it was a couple of stressful years but worked out brilliantly for me its not always awful. DD sees her dad and being court ordered he cant mess with it.

Your children are very small, I would put off (without full-on denying him) access for as long as possible. You could stop contact and instruct a solicitor and see if they will make a referral to a contact center citing that he has an inappropriate home and that the children need to rebuild their relationship with him as they are very young and haven't seen him in X amount of months. Whilst waiting for the referral you haven't officially stopped contact. Alternatively, keep suggesting days that are suitable for you, go to soft play areas and tell him you'll be there from X - Y time if he wants to see them, if he doesn't turn up the children can play and wont know any different if he does take a book and sit and have a coffee in peace etc.

Dads who want to see their children will make the effort for them, turn up to see them and provide for them. From what you have described he will give up the fight fairly quickly when he realizes he won't get any money from you. Don't provide anything for him, I went down that road and stuff just used to go missing. If I sent DD in nice clothes she would come home with pen and food stains all over her. Don't transport the children to him either as that will become the norm and you will be expected to continue doing it.

Do all of your communication in a written format, keep a diary, screenshot and email yourself text messages so you have a stored record if he gets nasty.

If a man won't even buy basics for his child then he's not a worthy Father OP.

You'd do no wrong to ditch him completely.

OP, just let him bugger off into the sunset.

My father left when I was four and I am quite unscathed, whereas my older brother and sister did suffer. Your children won't know any different.

With your ex's mentality, heaven knows how he would look after them when they are with him, would he feed them properly or feed them junk? Would he let them watch inappropriate videos or play inappropriate video games?

People with good fathers are really lucky, but better

They are 1 and 2 so really little and they don't really care either way, they barely know him actually. I just don't want to start using my kids as a weapon against him and I'm very conscious that I may be doing that by not providing these things.

You aren't using your kids as weapons, using them as weapons would be not allowing him to see them - you are more than happy to do that. HE is using them as weapons, he is stealing from you and refusing to see them unless you agree to not say anything about it, or the lack of child support.

I also don't want my dc to be a dirty little secret like his other 2 were, I so want them to have a decent dad and feel I've fucked that up too.
He isn't a decent dad. He's proved it with the others and you bowing to his demands is not going to turn him into one. It won't be long until he's expecting you to pay for all the activities etc.

He is an adult and he is responsible for his relationship with his children. You can facilitate it but should not be bending over backwards to give him everything he asks for

Christ, no advice op, but I just wanted to say how appalling he sounds. Where do these men get off? [anger]

Concealing the existence of other dc. Getting a solicitor to ask you to provide nappies and cream, stealing from you, cancelling at the last minute, not providing money.

So he has already shown himself to be: a liar, a cheat, a thief and a wastrel.

You have done nothing wrong

This situation is all about your ex being able to tell himself you prevented him from seeing his dc...
He is playing a game - let him get on with it

I would email the solicitor back stating

It’s a shame that Nr x did make provision for these inexpensive items as he was well aware before hand they would be needed.

Hopefully next contact arrangement won’t be cancelled.

That puts the spotlight back in his court as the message from you is future contact is expected... makes it difficult for him