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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I've fucked up with contact arrangements

59 replies

Ahhhfuckivefuckedup · 13/04/2018 21:18

My ex is father to my 2 youngest, I threw him out about 9 months ago when I found he had 2 dc he didn't tell me about and hadn't paid for or acknowledged (after us having a 5 year relationship).

He has blocked all avenues for me contacting him as he stole some things out of my house while seeing our dc (He is in homeless accommodation and I went out while he saw our dc in my house) and I called him out on it.

He then went to a solicitor (he is unemployed and gets legal aid, I work and do not) about contact.

I told his solicitor I didn't need to get representation I have no interest in stopping my ex seeing my dc he was the one who stopped contact. He told his solicitor he didn't wish to discuss money or items he stole from my house with me and felt it was a condition if seeing our dc. I said it absolutely wasn't.

Long story short we arranged the first contact through his solicitor. He was aggressive and defensive and shouted that he would not discuss money with me (I didn't ask) then at drop of I asked which of the dates I had given would he like to see our dc on and he said his solicitor would be in touch. I said that was stupid when he literally just have to say a day to me and we could arrange things ourselves he didn't need a solicitor as I wouldn't stop contact.

He walked off.

Cut to a few days later his solicitor sends a letter demanding that I provide nappies, cream, wipes and lunch when he has our dc.

I was pretty irritated by this considering he has provided diddly squat for 9 months for our dc and sent an email back saying I was unwilling to provide items he would have to do it himself as I pay for absolutely everything else.

10 minutes before contact this morning his solicitor emails to say that he wouldn't be here as he cannot afford to provide nappies etc.

I let my hot headed ego get in the way of what was best for my dc and I'm kicking myself but am unsure what I can do to redeem it.

I know I had a point (or did I?) but it was about me and not my dc and I feel like a real bitch.

Where do I go from here, offer more contact dates and say I'll provide everything? Wait for a response from the solicitor?

I have no clue what to do now or what's the best thing for my dc. Can someone help me see things more clearly from an outsiders view as I'm too (understandably) involved.

OP posts:
lattewith3shotsplease · 13/04/2018 22:18

OP,
On first reading this I was thinking "of course supply nappies"

Then I read he wants payment to look after his children

Keep your children away from this monster, and I never thought I'd ever say that about a Father.

Snowman123 · 13/04/2018 22:19

You sound totally reasonable.
Your expectation what he should provide nappies is normal. If he's such a great Dad, he would get himself a job and prioritise his kids nappies above his weed.
I would reply to the solicitor saying you didn't realise he had fallen on such hard times and that you will be happy to provide the nappies etc.
One day (and it may be in many years) your children will realise what a rotten parent he has been. Until then keep doing what you are doing, so they can never say it was you who prevented them seeing their Dad.
You sound like your doing a great job.

fourpawswhite · 13/04/2018 22:20

Op, no problem. The slab website is correct. Please see a solicitor. Don't be frightened by threats to take it to court. Any sheriff will not be impressed with such demands. They will take control and tell HIM what he has to do.

The law society of Scotland website has a search facility where you can search by area, then tick legal aid available.

lattewith3shotsplease · 13/04/2018 22:21

OP,

No Dad is better than a shit Dad. Flowers

UpstartCrow · 13/04/2018 22:22

You havent fucked up at all, and no, a shit dad is not better than no dad.

Do you have any evidence that he asked you to pay him for taking his own children on while you were in hospital?
Does your solicitor know about that, and that he may be smoking weed?
He has issues, and you might benefit from talking to someone like Women's Aid about spotting and dealing with controlling behaviour.

Hang in there. You're the one working 2 jobs and providing for your kids.

Ivorbig1 · 13/04/2018 22:22

Ignore me, I have no idea about legal aid in Scotland, my comment was on the assumption of you being in England. Sorry about that.

Quartz2208 · 13/04/2018 22:23

You did the right thing if he can’t provide a basic level of care but bringing stuff then it’s not a good environment

sockunicorn · 13/04/2018 22:23

If he has 2 kids he kept secret, was stealing from you (and wasnt sorry about it by the sounds of it) and cant even afford nappies I would not want my children near him to be honest. Better he leaves their life now (if he chooses to) rather than when theyre aware of whats going on and are 6/7. Plus what state is his house going to be in (when he gets one) if he cant afford nappies! I would worry having my children visit him.

Welshmaenad · 13/04/2018 22:26

Deny contact. Let him take you to court.

Contact the CMS about child support, even if they take £5 a week from his benefits it will cover a pack of nappies.

He sounds like an absolute waste of space.

Galaxy315 · 13/04/2018 22:26

simply ignore him.

PuntasticUsername · 13/04/2018 22:28

You've said you want your kids to have a good dad - and of course, all parents want that.

The trouble is that you can't make this excuse for a man into a good dad. It's not within your power. Whether you send nappies or you don't, doesn't change that fact. So don't beat yourself up about the nappies eh Sad

Original poster
Ahhhfuckivefuckedup · 13/04/2018 22:31

The onlything I would be worried about a court doing is saying that he has to have them every Saturday (or whatever) from x time until y time.

I simply cannot accommodate this unless he has somewhere to take them, which, at present he doesn't.

My shifts can be any time from 6am until 7pm 7 days a week and my total hours are around 35-50 per week so it's impossible to have a set day in my house to arrange contact.

I have evidence of him asking for money and evidence of him admitting taking items from my house and evidence of me messaging repeatedly asking when he would like to see our dc with no reply.

It would make my life so much easier of he pissed off. I'm doing it alone already and he's just adding to the stress, but I don't want my dc to know how shit he is. I'm still holding out hope he may grow to be a reasonable person.

OP posts:
CaledonianQueen · 13/04/2018 22:35

I would approach a solicitor and ask if you are entitled to legal aid as fourpaws has given fantastic advice above. This man has stolen from you and your children(which makes me think he may be looking for money for drugs), you have reason to believe he is also using drugs and he is volatile, abusive and aggressive! There is absolutely NO WAY that he should be given unsupervised contact with such young children. At 1 and 2 they are babies, vulnerable and unable to tell you if he takes them somewhere unsuitable or is abusive towards them! Your ex's continued aggressive and toxic behaviour means that he is more of a risk towards your children. He shows zero care for his other two children, which makes me wonder why he would adequately meet the needs of your children.

I know that you desperately want your dc to have an actively involved, loving Father. Unfortunately, they don't! Their Father is toxic and more likely to do them emotional damage than to provide the positive role model you dream of for them. Your babies have you! Your love, care, determination and desire for the best for them, is more than enough to cover up the lackings of their Father. Unfortunately, some men are only qualified to be sperm donors, they are too selfish to put the needs of their children first and they leave a succession of babies with different Mothers, providing nothing for their offspring in the process.

ReanimatedSGB · 13/04/2018 22:36

Please report his theft to the police if you haven't done so already. Then block and ignore him (while putting in a claim for maintenance.) It would be best all round if he does fuck off out of the DCs' lives while they are still too young to care. If he goes to court for contact it will be purely to mess you about, and if you have it on record that he stole your property and that's why you will not have him in your house, it would be useful - you may be able to insist that contact is supervised, in a contact centre, and if he starts acting like a prick in the contact centre, he won't get very far with making any further demands on you. They will also block him from having contact if he turns up stoned.

donners312 · 13/04/2018 22:37

NRTFT BUT you think it is in your DC benefit to see a Father who:-
A - can provide fuck all for them?
B - Is a thief

wouldn't they be better off without such a person?
why do you feel bad about this?

Ignore him and his stupid money grabbing solicitor they are scum too.

donners312 · 13/04/2018 22:38

also who cares what the court say - what are they really going to do? The can't make him an honest law abiding person ....

diddl · 13/04/2018 22:40

"No Dad is better than a shit Dad"

Absolutely agree.

"He told his solicitor he didn't wish to discuss money or items he stole from my house with me"

He has stolen from you-& therefore his kids??!!

DistanceCall · 13/04/2018 22:48

You are not using your children as a weapon against him. But he DEFINITELY is going to use them to get money out of you (or refuse to pay child maintenance).

I understand that you want to protect your children. In this case, from what you say, it sounds as if the best way to protect your chidren is not to play along with this fuckwit's games. If he pisses out of your lives, so much the better. You don't want to subject your children to his whims and moods hoping that he'll become a reasonable person.

Butterymuffin · 13/04/2018 22:53

He buys fags for himself rather than so much as a pack of nappies for his kids. You're not asking too much.

colditz · 13/04/2018 22:54

You can't make him be a decent dad, he's a piece of shit.

theeyeofthestormchaser · 13/04/2018 22:58

God, op, have a huge bunch of Flowers

Your ex is a shit dad. And a user. No dad would be better than h8m. Can’t afford nappies for his dc?? Wants money to look after his own dc? Tell him to fuck right off.

Get legal advice. But I don’t think your ex will be any sort of good dad to your dc. Protect them from him. And don’t play his games.

username182 · 13/04/2018 23:08

So let him piss off and make your life easier. He's a parasite.
Don't even worry about court he probably won't take it that far even without having to pay. He just wants a sob story, let him bloody have it, let him tell everyone you stopped him from his kids. You know that's not the case. Better to let him drop off now when they're little.
Send him one email with a choice of 2 times the kids will need xy z then ignore him.

username182 · 13/04/2018 23:11

I mean ignore him unless he answers with 'choice 1, will have the nappies, thanks see you then'

Walkingdeadfangirl · 14/04/2018 00:03

I dont understand why you would let this man spend 1 second with your children. Run Run Run.

What is the least worst option? a)knowing they have a shit dad or b)having to spend time with their shit dad?

ShinyShooney · 14/04/2018 00:22

I let my hot headed ego get in the way of what was best for my dc and I'm kicking myself but am unsure what I can do to redeem it.

Do you really think a relationship with this man is good for your DC?

-A man who denies his other children exist
-A man who stole from their family home
-A man who has to be paid to parent
-A homeless druggie
-Someone who cancels contact 10minutes beforehand

This is the type of person you should be fighting to keep your DC away from. Protect them!