regarding splitting bills in household

[VeryAnonymousLady]

This is more looking for advice rather than ranting. I would like to hear what other people think of this before I have this conversation with my DP so Im not being unreasonable.

DP and I have a very happy relationship. I have three kids that live with me apart from access with their Dad. He lives with us in the same house (not their Dad...DP haha).

I have a minimal income plus maintenance for my kids. That's all grand. DP has completed his degree as a mature student but now has a job which pays peanuts but is in that field (I do mean peanuts). We all have to start somewhere, which I totally understand.

He commutes a total of 4 hours per day just to get to and from this job and it costs a fortune in petrol. Petrol eats up the vast majority of his pay, but hes truly dedicated to getting a career which will, in the end pay a lot more. He also has children and pays maintenance for them.

I needed to get control of my finances and start saving towards summer camps etc so have worked everything out and I am paying out £200 per week on all bills, rent, food etc. I know Im blessed in this market to have rent so cheap and I'm not complaining about that! DP puts £43 towards this each week.

Im converting euros to pounds here, so apologies.

My question is, am I being unreasonable for asking him to contribute more towards the household?

I appreciate that my kids are not his, and that there is no reason he should be obligated to support them. At the same time, I feel if you live as a family, then bills should be split. We have Netflix and Amazon but those were my choices and so I wouldnt ask him to shoulder that bill (those are not included in the 200).

I feel so mean because I know he is trying his best and gets paid rubbish money atm, but (maybe selfishly) I cant think of anyone who gets their rent, utilities, food, bins, washing, tv, broadband etc for fifty euros a week.

I feel like such a cow for posting this, but I cant support everyone with the money I have. We have a lovely relationship, I love his kids and he dotes on mine. I dont want to have this conversation with him but I am going to have to.

I would genuinely appreciate hearing what people think would be a fair amount to ask him for.

aaaaaand I didnt realise that post was so long!!

Well there are four of you and one of him. (You and the children's father should support your 3).
So £200÷5 =£40.

50 for yourself, 50 for DP and 100 for your 3 children, that seems pretty fair, no? Why would he pay more? It doesn't matter that it's cheap for him, it's also cheap for you, and if he wasn't there your bills wouldn't go down by more than 50 euro, would they?

So 200pw and 43pw = 12636 annual costs.

2527.20 is a fifth of this, he is a fifth of the household. He is paying 2236. So if you want to be persnikety about it yoh could ask him for another fiver a week?

Nonsense. I know of NO adult who lives for a poxy €50 a week.

My student daughter at uni pays £500 a month rent and we give her £80 a week for food and necessities. She's 19, not a grown working adult.

You're being massively taken advantage of OP.

After he's given you for house. Paid for his car and petrol. Paid maintenance and put money aside for his kids then how much does he have left?

In simple maths it is easy- this is why I was asking for opinions. We dont go out often (too knackered/kids etc) but there are things like the additional stuff on sky that he wants but no one else watches, when hes on a specific diet it boosts the food bill, always wants the fecking heating on ... I sound so miserly but Im truly not trying to be so.

Im just trying to balance everything. Thats why I asked was I being unreasonable because if the general consensus is 'youre being a twat' then I dont need to have this conversation with DP.

And now I really do sound like an idiot

Is he paying proportionatley towards the household? His fuel is a family cost so add that to what he pays you and thats his contribution. Is that the same sort of % as what he earns vs your wage?

How much does he have left each month after maintenance?

@AhNowTed thats the rhetoric that is in my mind- E50 is nothing (Anyone in Dublin would think theyd hit the jackpot if they could score that one!!)- but then I feel like a miserly cow when I break it down with maths. He's not taking advantage because I havent approached him about it. I seriously hate talking money.

@allthewaves probably about 200 for the month, if that.

I think the aim should be to have a similar amount of money left over to spend on yourselves after joint savings etc. If he is paying £43 that seems low but if he doesn't have much left after paying his maintenance and travel it might be fair enough.

My situation is a bit simpler as I don't receive any maintenance from DD1&2 Dad and my DH has no other children apart from our shared one, I am also the higher earner so possibly balances things out.

If DH wants something I wouldn't really use/want like amazon music or whatever he will pay for that outside of the general arrangement.

@NapQueen fuel costs him about 100-150 per week. I walk with the kids to school and to shops etc, so it really is about commuting to work. Asd a percentage it would come in at about 25-30% of our combined income.

As I said, hes worked so hard to come this far and job oppurtunities will come but like anything, he has to do the grunt work first.

Well he can either rent a pad near work and come home on weekends or you can all move closer to work or he can get a train.

There are options aren’t there?

My husband didnt live with me until we were married 3 years.

What do you want him to pay?

If he wasn't living with you and contributing the £43 per week would you be better off?

If he’s spending money on socialising for himself or frivolous items then he should pay more but if he simply doesn’t have it he doesn’t have it. Once his wages increase then you could ask for a greater contribution.

@gamerchick to rent near to his work, even with the park and ride system you'd be talking E900-1500 p/m plus I cant just uproot my kids from their school etc. I am so, so fortunate to have the rent that I have at the moment. Theres a lot of people that would sell their granny for what I have. We have talked about him leasing a room somewhere but where he could afford it would still cost an arm and a leg.

@BustertheBulldog I suppose maybe E20 more each week.

I actually hate talking about money, truly do. Thats why i created this thread- to see if Im being unreasonable or not!

I’m not clear what the issue is OP.

If you think at £43 pw, he’s not contributing enough then how much do you think he should be contributing?

Do you want to continue living together? If so, I don’t think it’s relevant that your rent is so low. If it was higher, he would have to pay higher too.

As pp have pointed out, you could ask for an extra fiver a week if you want it to be strictly split evenly.

"He's not taking advantage because I havent approached him about it. I seriously hate talking money."

Yes, he is. You shouldn't have to ask.

Absolutely nowhere else could he live for that pathetic amount.

You couldn't feed a couple of dogs for that money.

And this includes rent, heat, water, bins, insurance, TV, broadband... AND food!!!

Come on!

Well does he have much extra money to give you is the first question?

The second question is if he is putting up with such a long commute so that he can live with you? I imagine he might be better off financially just living near his workplace in somewhere cheap as he spends so much on fuel.

If you are living together as a family then i think it is fair to support him as best you can while his income is low in his new career. As his income improves, he can contribute more. However, it wouldn't be fair if he ends up with more money to spend on leisurely things than you do, so if he does, then he should contribute more

Thats why I asked for opinions @DeerDear and to be quite honest I'm not entirely clear myself. That may sound ridiculous, but I can see (using the maths) that it is fair. Then I compare all the little things that actually do add up to a lot and its not. On one hand, I dont expect him to pay for my children- on the other, we came as a package deal so to say. We arre a family, we all muck in together. Hes not frivolous, not a gambler, drinker or anything like that.

For instance, today is his son's birthday but he doesnt have money as wages havent been paid yet; so, I went and got cake, presents etc. Im not going to slap down a receipt and say 'here, give me half of that'. We're a family and thats what families do.

I suppose what I'm saying (albeit in a very long-winded way (sorry)) is that id like a bit more support financially towards the essentials.

@AhNowTed I think understands most where I'm coming from. It's a very small amount to be contributing for everything overall. Especially in Ireland at the moment, where there are literally no rental properties to be had on a minimal wage, and we did explore every option re. his work and commute. I'm betting youd be delighted to find someone whod feed and house your daughter for E50 a week Ted :P

This is why I asked for opinions... and I really do appreciate them, so thankyou to anyone who has answered.

((Changed my username back to my usual one as a) I'm crap with computers and kept getting confused on the settings. b) my DP is worse at computers and will never know. Just in case he does: I love you darling, and you have a fabulous arse.))

Bananas sharing your home with another adult should mean that you benefit as the regular bills get shared rather than you footing the lot.

You are no better off at all. You may as well be on your own with the kids.

He is mean-spirited at best, and robbing you blind at worst.

And Ireland I know is not cheap.

What were your expenses like before he moved in? If they’ve increased by more than the €40 something euros he pays now then he should probably contribute more. Where was he living before he moved in with you and how much was he paying then? If he has more left over each month than you have then he should probably pay more. Do his kids stay at yours at all? You’re basically enabling him to further his career, if your future with him is long term then really you’re working towards your joint future.

Thanks @AhNowTed I think this is what I was trying to get sorted in my head. Im not asking him to pay all the bills or even the majority, but if we are a family unit then you need to put a bit more forward.

He really doesnt have disposable income and is not mean at all. I dont think hes really thought about it tbh. Whereas when Im thinking about it but I havent told him yet.

I dont want to be one of those couples that says 'oh everything has to be split 50/50 and I'll get a receipt for that' (I have an ex to do that with hehehe) but I do need a bit more support from him and thats the conversation Ill have to have.

Thankyou to everyone who answered, I really appreciate your advice.

PS. @AhNowTed Ireland is expensive, but I know this great place in the south east for E50 a week including all the washing and broadband and dinners...hehehehe