regarding splitting bills in household

[VeryAnonymousLady]

This is more looking for advice rather than ranting. I would like to hear what other people think of this before I have this conversation with my DP so Im not being unreasonable.

DP and I have a very happy relationship. I have three kids that live with me apart from access with their Dad. He lives with us in the same house (not their Dad...DP haha).

I have a minimal income plus maintenance for my kids. That's all grand. DP has completed his degree as a mature student but now has a job which pays peanuts but is in that field (I do mean peanuts). We all have to start somewhere, which I totally understand.

He commutes a total of 4 hours per day just to get to and from this job and it costs a fortune in petrol. Petrol eats up the vast majority of his pay, but hes truly dedicated to getting a career which will, in the end pay a lot more. He also has children and pays maintenance for them.

I needed to get control of my finances and start saving towards summer camps etc so have worked everything out and I am paying out £200 per week on all bills, rent, food etc. I know Im blessed in this market to have rent so cheap and I'm not complaining about that! DP puts £43 towards this each week.

Im converting euros to pounds here, so apologies.

My question is, am I being unreasonable for asking him to contribute more towards the household?

I appreciate that my kids are not his, and that there is no reason he should be obligated to support them. At the same time, I feel if you live as a family, then bills should be split. We have Netflix and Amazon but those were my choices and so I wouldnt ask him to shoulder that bill (those are not included in the 200).

I feel so mean because I know he is trying his best and gets paid rubbish money atm, but (maybe selfishly) I cant think of anyone who gets their rent, utilities, food, bins, washing, tv, broadband etc for fifty euros a week.

I feel like such a cow for posting this, but I cant support everyone with the money I have. We have a lovely relationship, I love his kids and he dotes on mine. I dont want to have this conversation with him but I am going to have to.

I would genuinely appreciate hearing what people think would be a fair amount to ask him for.

It sounds like you've both made choices (or things worked out so) you have very low incomes. Which is just OK because you have minimal expenses. But you both have children and need to make choices that prioritise money! What would happen if your landlord decided to sell or something?

Do you think your relationship is viable? If you begrudge buying a cake for his kids when he’s got no money and waiting to be paid then I can’t see how you can proceed. You acknowledge he is on a very low income but you must have known that when you decided to move him in. Either you want to build a life with this man and that means accepting his situation or you find somebody more solvent who can equitably contribute in the way you expect

If he doesn't really have disposable income where do you reckon he'll be able to give you the extra from?

Does him only paying 1/5 share of the bills cost you money? Is he eating lots of food you wouldn’t use otherwise etc? It sounds fair if you all live to a budget.

I think when you have low living costs you do worry about people taking advantage of it. Mine are £900 a month and My ex thought he would live with me and pay half my internet bill (£12.50 a month) and bring home some reduced food from the supermarkets at night! He was out 2 weeks later.

Have you lost the single person council tax discount ? Can you look on www.rightmove.com or similar to find out how much it is for a single person to rent a room in a shared house. I agree he is not paying you enough, because your water, electric would increase. Does the £50 include food. You and your family should be NO worse off for him living there.

Maybe you need to break down your costs more into household (rent, food, utilities - stuff all 5 of you use/benefit from) and individual (petrol if only your dp uses the car and no one else, sky tv if only your dp watches it)

The house hold stuff should be split 5 ways, with your dp paying for himself and you paying for you and your 3 dc

That being said, if I had kids and met some one and decided to move in with him, this all would have been discussed before we looked at moving in together. DH and I had that conversation when he asked me to move in with him - makes it a lot easier to know where you stand from the get go