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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

regarding splitting bills in household

56 replies

VeryAnonymousLady · 13/04/2018 18:54

This is more looking for advice rather than ranting. I would like to hear what other people think of this before I have this conversation with my DP so Im not being unreasonable. Blush

DP and I have a very happy relationship. I have three kids that live with me apart from access with their Dad. He lives with us in the same house (not their Dad...DP haha).

I have a minimal income plus maintenance for my kids. That's all grand. DP has completed his degree as a mature student but now has a job which pays peanuts but is in that field (I do mean peanuts). We all have to start somewhere, which I totally understand.

He commutes a total of 4 hours per day just to get to and from this job and it costs a fortune in petrol. Petrol eats up the vast majority of his pay, but hes truly dedicated to getting a career which will, in the end pay a lot more. He also has children and pays maintenance for them.

I needed to get control of my finances and start saving towards summer camps etc so have worked everything out and I am paying out £200 per week on all bills, rent, food etc. I know Im blessed in this market to have rent so cheap and I'm not complaining about that! DP puts £43 towards this each week.

Im converting euros to pounds here, so apologies.

My question is, am I being unreasonable for asking him to contribute more towards the household?

I appreciate that my kids are not his, and that there is no reason he should be obligated to support them. At the same time, I feel if you live as a family, then bills should be split. We have Netflix and Amazon but those were my choices and so I wouldnt ask him to shoulder that bill (those are not included in the 200).

I feel so mean because I know he is trying his best and gets paid rubbish money atm, but (maybe selfishly) I cant think of anyone who gets their rent, utilities, food, bins, washing, tv, broadband etc for fifty euros a week.

I feel like such a cow for posting this, but I cant support everyone with the money I have. We have a lovely relationship, I love his kids and he dotes on mine. I dont want to have this conversation with him but I am going to have to.

I would genuinely appreciate hearing what people think would be a fair amount to ask him for.

OP posts:
eggcellent · 13/04/2018 20:50

Sorry but I think that sounds pretty fair. He's paying just over 1/5 of the bills, in a housesehold of 5.

RepealRepealRepeal · 13/04/2018 21:00

My DC aren't biologically DP's but we split everything 50/50. I've never asked him, it's just how we are. My expenses are his and vice versa.

In your shoes, I think I'd have a chat with him about general expenses, upcoming expenses and see if anything can be cut back, or if he can contribute more, etc. He might not realize that you're feeling the pinch, or doing a load of mental financial math.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 13/04/2018 21:00

@TwoBlueFish my expenses were lower prior to his moving in. His kids stay every other weekend or so.

We are working towards a future together, which is why i support him: this is why I was asking for opinions. Definitely working towards the joint future, just a hiccup in the road!!

user1493413286 · 13/04/2018 21:03

If you two lived in a one or two bedroom place how much would he pay? I’d work that out and then ask him for it.

Deerdear · 13/04/2018 21:04

Goodness, if his kids stay every other weekend then of course he should be pitching in more! Bills will no doubt be higher

TheBlueDot · 13/04/2018 21:08

What position would you be in if he wasn’t there?

Would you be better off or worse off?

Slarti · 13/04/2018 21:09

The consensus seems to be that he is paying a fair share, but you appear to have latched on to @AhNowTed's replies calling him mean-spirited and saying he's robbing you. Perhaps you were just looking for validation of feelings you already had?

Since you are asking him to pay for more than 1/5th and you mention that you yourself only have a small income which is boosted by your your ex, could it be that you are the one not paying your fair share and are wanting these men to subsidise you?

BusterTheBulldog · 13/04/2018 21:16

bananas if it’s 20 a week extra that sounds fair enough to me. I guess though, if he’s not crap with money etc, and is genuinely a bit tight at the mo, he may want to pay more but just can’t. I think you need to get some it off your chest and speak to him though.

AhNowTed · 13/04/2018 21:18

@Slarti as I said earlier, my 19 year old student daughter's rent and food is £205 a week in shared accommodation.

This is an adult working man who's children stay over.

€50 is bugger all.

Slarti · 13/04/2018 21:21

Preumably, Ted, if your daughter shares with 5 people (for the sake of argument) the total rent is £1025? If not, one or more of her housemates is paying more or less than they should.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 13/04/2018 21:23

Oooof. Whoa there horsey! @Slarti. I have stated from the very beginning that he is not mean. Feel free to take a scroll back and see just how wrong you were.

Ive explained very clearly my mixed feelings towards this issue and right now, you just appear to be trying to be antagonistic. @AhNowTed (I don't mean to talk for you here, Ted) seems to understand the issues that are, at this point in Ireland.

I havent been rude to anyone, I have thanked them for their input- as that is what I was originally asking for, after all.

If you did take a leisurely scroll back through the replies, you will see clearly that I recognise the maths and am not seeking anyone to 'subisidise' me.

It was a genuine post looking for advice. Shame you had to make it smutty.

GabriellaMontez · 13/04/2018 21:24

50 euros a week?
Does that even cover his actual food? Maybe including a beer at the weekend?

Why isn't Netflix etc included? Is it only his choices that are family money?

TalkFastThinkSlow · 13/04/2018 21:26

As you are living together, as a family, you should be 100% transparent about finances.

If you're struggling, you need to tell him.

You both need to know the other ones income and outgoings, then you can talk about to split it fairly.

Although I agree with some that one fifth already sounds fair, but maybe aim for a third.

GabriellaMontez · 13/04/2018 21:28

And unless you have 3 hungry teenagers there's no way their food costs as much as him.

AhNowTed · 13/04/2018 21:29

@BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil I understand all too well. I'm an Irish ex-Pat and all mine and DH's family live there.

€50 wouldn't buy a round of drinks 😱

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 13/04/2018 21:29

@BusterTheBulldog thankyou, its a conversation that Ive just been putting off having. He works his arse off for terrible money, but had the balls to go back to college and get a new profession in order to do so. I think I'm just being a wuss by not having this conversation. Smile

WonderLime · 13/04/2018 21:36

I was also going to say that 3 children (presuming they are not teenagers) do not all count individually as an equal share to each adult. That’s a ridiculous argument.

If he is using more than E50 worth of food/utilities/leisure(Netflix, etc) let alone the rent, then he should pay a fairer share. I would imagine he eats at least E50 per week let alone everything else.

An extra E20 is perfectly reasonable to ask for, and if you intend to live in a family unit in the long term you will need to have that conversation to ensure as wages increases for each partner, each is contributing a proportionately fair amount (you will need to figure out what that is between you).

EenaMinaMoe · 13/04/2018 21:39

Well, I guess figure out what you want him to do and what's reasonable. If he doesn't have the money right now, due to this commute, what will you be asking? Would you want him to quit this job and get something closer? Would you want him to move out? If he genuinely has nothing left after petrol and maintenance then it doesn't really matter if he should be paying more. He can't unless something major changes.

GabriellaMontez · 13/04/2018 21:40

Does he know you're struggling?

Tell him. If he can help more but doesn't he's a shit.

Do you know what he earns?

Slarti · 13/04/2018 21:45

€50 wouldn't buy a round of drinks

It doesn't matter how many drinks it buys, it matters how much the bills are.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 13/04/2018 21:47

@AhNowTed you should see my ex's family. E50 wouldnt cover even part of a round. Its madness. My ex used to regularly spend 400-500 on a night out. When confronted with my 'what the actual fuck did you do last night [person who shall not be named]?' It was generally a sheepish grin, rolling over and saying 'we had jagerbombs on rounds...' Big eejit. Its a very good job our kids got his metabolism and my intellect. Other way round? Doesn't bear thinking about.

@TalkFastThinkSlow this is why I asked for opinions. We are transparent in our finances, I know he's not squandering money but I do think that there should be a little more towards the family unit. We spend E100 on shopping each week, so £87.

Hes not a twat. Hes actually lovely, and having read the responses I will have this conversation with him. I was genuinely just wondering if I was being unreasonable. I dont want to be one of those couples who fall out over finances because one party hasnt said something they feel resentful of and never said it.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 13/04/2018 21:52

Thankyou @WonderLime and @EenaminaMoe he went back to college to get a degree in finance and business. He constantly is looking for jobs closer to home, but this is the first rung on the ladder for him. As soon as anything comes up he applies but theres a dearth of relevant jobs nearby.

mrsm43s · 13/04/2018 22:01

Right, so either you are individuals, and he pays his share and you pay your share and your children's share which means 200pweek/5 - he should pay 40 per week. Plus he pays his 150 petrol on top as this is "his" expense. So, he pays 190 per week currently.

Or - you are a joint unit and should split all costs equally (including his petrol for getting to work) so costs are 200 per week plus 150 per week (petrol) =350 per week, divided by 2 and his share is 175 per week.

Either ALL costs must be joint or you each pay for your own. You can't expect him to share your costs (the children's share), but not expect to share his costs (the petrol to get him to work).

I'd leave it as is tbh. When you are ready to move to joint finances, all expenses go in the pot, and generally it's fairer to each have the same surplus left rather than each paying the same amount.

You are both lucky to be benefiting from such low living costs.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 13/04/2018 22:12

@mrsm43s I know we are so lucky- the housing crisis in Ireland is dire at the moment. I feel guilty actually complaining at all.

Thankyou for your reply, you are quite correct. I really do need to sit down and have a conversation with my DP and make the relevant points.

GabriellaMontez · 13/04/2018 22:31

Mrs I sort of agree. One or the other. But if they are including his expenses - petrol. Then children's expenses - not even mentioned here go in the joint pot too.