AIBU to wonder why retired parents live in big houses and don't help family?

[Dojos]

Not judging the choice but i can't help finding it odd that you can have two sets off grandparents living in and owning several properties and adult children both in full
Time work struggling to make ends meet.

Bright enough and big hearted enough to know inheritance is a gift not a right, and rightly so. I'm just curious how parents can sleep In 5 bedroom homes they don't need at night whilst their good steady grown up kids struggle a whole Gang into a 2 or 3 bed semi.

I guess that applies further - why do the elderly generation not downside and keep the lifecycle of a family home going?

Why should they downsize? It's the family home - and lots like to have the space for having their kids and grandkids to stay if they live further away.

MrsJackHackett, I'm a baby boomer, yes we had a totally different standard of living but personally none of the rest applies to me. My neighbours when my kids were growing up were a man in his 60s with his elderly mother and they were very quiet and withdrawn. The other side were probably the inspiration for The Adams Family and I never managed to get as much as Hello out of any of them. I've never played bingo/crown green bowls or even flat green bowls and I've never been to a disco in my life. No community centres or social clubs where I live but we do have a lovely community centre within walking distance which offers all sorts, pre school, pensioners lunches, snooker, slimming world, carpet bowls, don't think they do bingo.

I think lots of things aren't about then and now but just where you live and what is on offer locally, my current neighbours are far more friendly than the neighbours I had in the 70s and 80s.

On the other hand my GC have been with me for 11 days of the Easter holidays, staying over, I'm picking one up from school tonight and for the rest of the week. I'm booked for a week in the summer as the parents are having a week away.

Helping with childcare has always been normal in my family, my grand did it with us, my mum did it with my kids and I do it with my GC. Some families don't, some families never did.

TheMythicalChicken, In your case (10 mins away), that does seem a bit off. Unless they're ill? Even one day every now and again or even one weekend every 2/3 months would help a little. Not to be nosey and you probably enjoy it, but is there much money to be made at the market? When my dc were young I was a waitress in a posh restaurant in the evenings (when ex came home from work). I used to work 6 nights a week and the tips were as much as the wages. Over a number of years I managed to save for a (old) car, a couple of hols, extras.

Thanks Falmer. Nah, they're just really busy with their hobbies and I suspect they don't like me very much.

I hate doing the markets, but we need the money, unfortunately.

I think some people have an idealised view of what life for the current generation of "grandparents" was like . It certainly wasn't uniform across the country.

I'm 57, so technically could be a grandparent (but as ds is only 17, I hope I won't be for many many years ) and don't recognise that social club, bingo, crown bowls, dodgy discos and neighbours in and out of each other's houses description.

Even now, my dad wouldn't be interested in bingo or crown bowls (and nor would I shudders at the thought )

When I was growing up, we literally had no relatives within 12,000 miles. My parents had to sort out their own support structures. Most of their friends also worked: my mum, as a student, was heavily used during the summer holidays by her friends to help look after their kids while they worked.

My dad has a close and loving relationship with my ds, who he sees regularly. Even though he lives on the other side of the city, we have supper with him on a weekly basis and see him often. He put up db and his family while they were waiting to move abroad. He still puts db up regularly when db is back in the UK on business and the whole family when they come back to the UK on holiday.

But my dad has his own life and friends - as do we. Our lives don't revolve around each other - nor should they.

Although I'm not sure how grandparents are supposed to be able to have the grandchildren over to stay if they have down-sized in order to help their kids

Dh's mum has probably done more of these things: looked after his siblings' children (still looks after 1 nephew who is 10, even though she is 85) bought them cars and computers. Generally baled them out - and to a certain extent they came to expect it (well, one of them did ). Interestingly, she has never done that for dh (which is a cause for a small amount of resentment on his part) as "he didn't need it". Not because he "wanted" it - but because she never even thought to ask. To be fair on dh's mum, she probably doesn't/didn't think to ask as in her mind, she had "succeeded" with him, as he lived/lives in a larger house than she ever lived in, in a desirable area.

She has already downsized to a tiny wee garden flat and there will be almost no inheritance when she does die (which is, of course, fine as we're not already planning on spending her estate )

By "across the city", that still only means 25 minutes away - but we still see more of my dad than we see of dh's mum, who is only 10 minutes away in a large part because we both like him more

This is the problem with generalisations about “generational” things isn’t it? Of course the description of bowls and bingo is unrecognisable to most of us born after the war. It is as bonkers as saying that we all fought on the barricades in ‘68 or hung out in Biba or were out of our skulls on acid all the time. There was as much variety in the way people of our age lived as there is now.
We certainly didn’t live near our families, nor did any of our friends. We had moved away to university and into careers that needed mobility. We were not unusual, just typical of our particular peer group.
I think the use of generational to describe people is actually a process of “othering” like any other group label. It is ageist and sometimes seems to be bordering on gerontophobia.

My single mother bought us up in a council flat and she still lives in a council owned flat. There wasn’t a hope of her being able to afford her own and there wasn’t a hope of me or my sibling getting council flats of our own.

I worked really hard and got a mortgage with no family help and after several doer uppers I now live in a lovely albeit half finished house in London.

Not everyone has rich, propertied parents to fall back on and it’s possible to do just fine without that help. Of course it’s harder but it can still be done.

Yes I agree and think it's a bit odd too. My parents (who are in their 60s but still have to work) are selling their five bedroom house and lots of the people who have come to view their house are 60+ 'Smug Retireds' when really the house would be suited to a young family!

The whole 'they worked for it' line doesn't really work as you can work very hard for your whole life on a low-mid income and never be able to afford a large house. Most 'Smug Retireds' bought homes in their early/mid twenties with no hassle whilst a lots of thirty-somethings cannot afford their own homes these days. We might never retire whereas they obviously have.

Judge the choice if you like because it's a poor one- if you care about your kids then you help them when they need help!

It is a bit annoying for older people from poorer backgrounds to hear all this all the time. My parents put off children for 8 or 9 years after my married because they could not afford children until then. They both worked full time for nearly a decade to afford the one house they bought and then lived in until they died. Due to the collapse of the coal mines (where most of my relatives had worked) we all had to move hundreds of miles away from family to get jobs so had no help from parents with children - there were terrible recessions etc in the past (as indeed we often have now). It was certainly not easy particularly for women (although plenty of men died in work accidents - including my grandfather at the shipyard - he fell to his death).

Anyway we just need to try to make the best of it now and most parents try to help their children in a way that feels right for them and that family. I am happy to help when I can with buying a property. I would not help with most other stuff other than education. Others might be happy to help with cars and that kindo f things. We all have different priorities and plenty of older people hardly have enough to eat never mind help out relatives.

I just found the house this miorning that one grandfather was born in or rather a house on the same road ( I am looking into our family tree) which sells for £50k today, not that they were ever rich enough to buy of course. The had 10 children and only 5 were alive by 1911 ( and then that reduced down to only 4 by 1930) www.rightmove.co.uk/house-prices/detailMatching.html?prop=31848995&sale=76761477&country=england. He grew up to be blacksmith and it was his son who died at the shipyards leaving his young widow with a 6 month old baby - their only child; they were married for 15 months. She never married again.

Aylarose, do you have any idea how offensive "Smug Retireds" is?

Don't judge everyone with no clue as to their circumstances. I'm one of your "Smug Retireds". I bought my first house when I was 38.

The thing nobody advocating us all giving our money away is taking into account is that our kids can't have it all, as illustrated by my discussion with Nursy. If you have our money now, it won't be available to pay for our care if we need it. So the recipients of our generosity will either have to pay for that care or provide it. Unless they have no moral compass and throw us on the mercy of the state.

Smug retired? Nice.

Is there anything more repugnant than Grabby Adult Children ?

Aylarose, you sound like one of the typical "entitled generation". Bitter, jealous, offensive and a bit odd!

Xenia, what a sad story. The cottage looks cute but how did they fit all the children in (even when there was only 4, sadly) I wonder where/how they all slept?

Aylarose, to receive respect you need to give respect. Just a little tip from a non-smug retiree.

Sorry showing my age & awareness of jargon, what’s a millennial?

Someone who came of age in the new millenium so those aged between 18 and 38. Then it's Generation X born in the 60s and 70s. Before that the baby boomers.

Mythical

I totally get the same feeling, 2 GC's and never had any time with either of my parents. Actually I apologise, there was one occasion and I can't remember why, it was my eldest so I think I was pregnant at the time.

We visit, but they've never said to ex or I, oh you have a night out. Or have a night off. It's not that we needed one, it just would have been nice. I think in many ways it led to us being divorced as we were never alone.

My recollection is honestly being at one Grandparents or the other very frequently. The same Grandparents did the same for younger GC too, pre & after school care, nights out. Or a neighbour, relative would babysit.

I loved the expression, 'You enjoyed so you look after!' I want to scream both DC were from fertility tx so there wasn't much to enjoy. I didn't just look down my exes boxers and fall pregnant.

I think a big misconception is the idea we're wanting our parents to sell up and move to slums so we can get a naice house. It's just hard when you know at times in the past where you've been on the hard up, parents could have helped, but it is seen as character building. Some would merely just like some funds for a rainy day, or maybe a bit of help with something that needs doing around the house.

By all means spend every last penny of your money, take every penny of equity out of the house, you'll still find when you need your DC, they will move mountains to care for you. It's not all about money. It just stings a bit when you've been nice to your parents, you've gone out of your way. Nothing you ever do will please them, you get threads like this where 'some' people are seen as grabby as like a PP, they're moving, parents could move to help with childcare now, I'm sure if parents got ill the favour would be returned, but that's being grabby.

I still don't know what a millennial is.

I know quite a few people who through the years have had it harder than me. Their parents could have saved them a lot of stress by taking them in, but it was a straight no as the horror of having your GC around every day for a few months. It broke my heart for them.

Where one parent lives I think out of all the houses bar 1, there's either baby boomer couples, or baby boomer singles, in 3/4/5 bed houses.

In another street nearby there's perhaps 3 or 4 families out of 50+ houses.

If you bought a house before the boom you could get a 3 bed in 1998 for £28k. You could get a terrace for £18k. I worked with young men and women who's parents not only helped their kids get on the property ladder, but also renovate and but in decent glazing & heating. The same houses now are £125k for the 2 bed, about £80/90k for the terrace but in a grim area for the latter.

Yes you could say oh that's picking specific times, but that's how cheap houses were when I had my first mortgage.

What is even worse is this whole, well I would help out DC, but I worry about the in laws.

Or they have helped out and have it so a solicitor writes up an agreement so DP own so much of the contribution in case grabby IL's have their eyes set on that meagre portion.

If working both will pay equally, if SAHM or SAHD then they're giving up career to look after your darling GC. On one hand you absolutely hate the idea of working mothers, but at the same time they're lazy if they stay at home.

A bit like a PP who works 7 days a week, you can be a SAHP and do a craft or other hobby / interest that brings in money. Is it not criminal that PP works 7 days a week?

(Sorry Mythical just hope you down the extra 2 days out of love not necessity )

It's a joke, ffs. I don't think it's unreasonable for people to have a few holidays in their retirement.

I have no problem with people who can afford it having regular holidays. But the joke is not funny. When someone says that in front of their kids the best response they can expect is an eyeroll. If my Mum had ever made that joke in front of my grandfather he would have been absolutely horrified, he worked hard all his life to make her life easier and would expect her to do the same.

If you do think it's funny think about why? There's an acknowledgement in it that it's considered normal to support your children into adulthood and that most people want to be able to make their children's lives better than their own but there's that rebellious streak the babyboomers have always supposedly had (the generation that broke down social structures and discovered sex etc etc) where they say 'I'm going to do what I want and the hell with what society expects me to do!' It's suggesting that at 70+ you're still rebelling against your parent's values. Except they aren't around to hear it so your children have to instead.

I'm quite happy for anyone to have holidays in retirement, I do object to people who laugh about how they are richer than others.

There's so much bollocks there that I really don't know where to begin.

Since when did society expect retired people to hand their money over to their adult children? It wasn't expected of my parents' generation and they, quite rightly, didn't do it. I don't know anyone my age who was bankrolled by their parents. Not one.

And to use the word "expect" and then castigate an entire generation and write them off as reconstructed, hippy rebels - words fail me. It's not about laughing at people with less money, it's about spending your own money as you see fit.

There were times when I, as as single parent, could afford a pint of milk or a loaf of bread, not both. We got through, it would have been an admission of defeat to go whining to my parents, I wouldn't have done it. But now the next generation is "expecting" us to hand over our money and begrudging us a few holidays when we can finally afford them.

People like you, Count, give your generation its reputation for entitlement.

I don’t think anyone expects their parents to sell up and give them money. We do it because we want to. We hate to see them struggle and want them to have the same security of home ownership that we had.
My children didn’t feel entitled to money. They were surprised and grateful
We still are lucky enough to have 2 or 3 holidays a year but I wouldn’t choose them over they joy of big family occasions in our daughters houses where they are cooking for 16 instead of me

Nursy, read the post above mine. Expect appears about every other sentence.

I don't think that I would downsize necessarily but I do have an issue with couples "hogging" larger houses when we apparently have a housing shortage.

If you don't need a 5 bed house, and can't cope, why not move to somewhere smaller? I do however get the issue of trying to find something decent with 2 bedrooms when you want a decent amount of living space. My mum has a lovely 2 bed bungalow and the bedrooms are really big, but the rest of the living space is not very big. She's on her own so it only really matters if we/others visit but I can see the problem.

There needs to be more quality housing built, not really just with the elderly in mind, but for people who want low maintenance but decent living space.

And I do kind of get why you'd get annoyed if your parents were rattling around a million pound house that they couldn't really cope with and you were struggling to find expensive rent. I'd rather give my son the money for a house deposit than watch him subsidise landlords.