AIBU to wonder why retired parents live in big houses and don't help family?

[Dojos]

Not judging the choice but i can't help finding it odd that you can have two sets off grandparents living in and owning several properties and adult children both in full
Time work struggling to make ends meet.

Bright enough and big hearted enough to know inheritance is a gift not a right, and rightly so. I'm just curious how parents can sleep In 5 bedroom homes they don't need at night whilst their good steady grown up kids struggle a whole Gang into a 2 or 3 bed semi.

I guess that applies further - why do the elderly generation not downside and keep the lifecycle of a family home going?

Remember that we have decided if I lose capacity to the extent I’m drooling into my bib I will choose euthanasia.
Honestly have done the research.
Be very careful bluelady. Some care agencies and homes will charge the earth, they know we baby boomers have wealth.

*snewname
That wasn’t my experience as far as my fil careers were concerned. They were very good, ceratly more than 20 mins although I acknowledge I’ve seen worse!
Remember costs for care vary, it’s cheaper in the north. I wonder if that’s related to the wealth tied up in the local houses 😕

You won't be able to choose euthanasia. Dignitas won't euthanise people without capacity.

My parents were getting the amount of care you describe for a year before they went into the care home, it was when that became untenable that we moved them. Yes, it was luxurious because that's what they could afford and what they deserved. I don't regret a penny of it. I'm very glad I'm in my position, not yours.

dignitas won't euthanise people without capacity

That’s why the Advance directive. Currently discussing this with my GP.
As I said it’s your choice, and if you/ they had the money I am glad for you but you seem mightily offended by my choices?
We want the little flame of money my DH and I have worked up in our lives to stay in the family. We get great joy from visiting our children in their homes and we are glad they have benefitted from our financial input now, when they need it.
Many older people are much worse off than either of us. A solution that is fair and equitable has to be found as the demographic bulge that is us baby boomers ages. I don’t like the current solutions that are being proposed and I’m taking steps to mitigate the impact for my family.

You misunderstand me, that's the trouble with the bloody internet!

I'm not offended in the least by your choices, I don't know you, what you've chosen means nothing to me. I do think you've made yourselves very vulnerable and your decisions will come back to bite you. I also think you've been quite unfair to your children but that's your business and theirs. I don't think they have any notion of what they've signed up to if everything goes tits up. Having been the only child of two people in their late 90s, one with dementia, I'm very clear eyed about it and don't want to put my son and stepchildren through that. To me, freeing them from that responsibility is worth more to them than any amount of money.

I see my duty as ensuring ds reaches adulthood as a confident individual who can stand on his own two feet (as my parents did for my db and me).

He is 17 now and will be going to Uni in September. We will help him with student loans etc (in Scotland, so it's worth him taking out the loan as they aren't charged the silly interest rates that are charged in England, plus he doesn't gave to pay fees) and make sure he is not short.

After he graduates, he may well end up back at home for a short period I hope not - but I hope he'll have found a decent job and won't need to (the Uni he goes to has a good record for positive destinations, as does the specific subject he will be studying).

When I graduated, I got no help from my parents (even though they could have afforded it) - nor did I expect it. Admittedly, I studied in an era of free university education and student grants (although I only got the minimum grant, but my parents always made it up to the full amount expected) - but it was also the era of ultra high interest rates (base rates were 12+%). Rented initially and bought my first house flat in 1985 for c£25,000 (one bed flat in Hotchin) and was then moved North by my company a year or so later and had to sell it, buying a wee cottage in Bolton for c£35,000, with a mortgage of £30,000. Iirc, my monthly payments were in excess of £300/month - which was a heck of a proportion of my take home pay (I can remember when standard income tax was 27% - which actually I didn't mind as I saw that as a price worth paying for decent public services). I also rarely went out to pubs/night clubs and had to cut back holidays for a few years (even though I was relatively well paid). There were weeks when I only had £10 to spend on food Fortunately (or not, depending on your viewpoint ), it was the era before mobile phones let alone smartphones so at least I didn't have that expense

I very much supported my parents being "SKIN" parents ("Spending the Kids Inheritance Now"), as they went off on various exotic holidays after they retired early . Sadly, my mum had a bad accident on one of those (activity based) holidays from which she never fully recovered and died a few years later But my dad is still travelling regularly and has a new (actually old - they'd known each other at Uni) lady friend which I think is brilliant. I wouldn't expect him to give up any part of his income or assets to help us - he's already (with my mum) given me the biggest gift of a great upbringing.

I'd hate to think that my dad might think I was judging him for still living in a nice house and not helping us out more Ditto with ds: I hope he never complains that we are not downsizing so that he can then buy a house without saving for it himself. I doubt he will, as he's told us he "never wants us to sell the house as he loves it so much" (4 bedroom conversion, it half of a much larger house, with a large garden - over 3 floors so not actually that suitable for if/when dh and I become infirm in many years to come ).

And, of course, if we die before our dotage, it's win/win for them - they get the money and the freedom!

bluelady.
Exactly. I am lucky and very blessed. We both are from the sounds of things.
I hope that I die a brilliant death falling off my stilettos slightly tipsy after a good night out. ✌️

Sounds good to me! I'm quite hoping to die laughing with a glass of fizz n my hand!

My parents downsized 2 years ago because they could no longer cope with the huge garden. It's been on balance a good thing for them but it hasn't made any financial difference to me or DB - nor should it. I know that they have made provisions for us in there will but if there should be nothing left due to care costs or whatever, so be it. They gave me a safe and contented childhood to the best of their abilities and that is all anyone can expect from their parents.

I very much supported my parents being "SKIN" parents ("Spending the Kids Inheritance Now"), as they went off on various exotic holidays after they retired early

Actually this BB attitude really pisses me off (and I've heard it from my parent's friends, they all think it's hilarious). They benefitted from the leg up their parents scrimped and saved to give to them but there's no sense of responsibility in that (very fortunate) generation. I don't think they should give us money before death and I'm not counting on an inheritance (although I suspect DH and I will inherit considerably more than average at some point so we are very lucky) but there's something very wrong in the system if a significant proportion of a generation don't think ahead to when they will need full time care and don't give a damn about passing on their good fortune to the next generation. My parent's generation retired at 55-65, I'm assuming I'll retire at 70+ and despite paying considerably more money into a pension for longer I'll have less money in retirement.

We probably won't help out our children much after they've graduated while we are still alive but I have been making investment choices that means there should be money to pass on after our death. And I can't imagine saying to the kids 'ha, we're spending it all now'.

It's a joke, ffs. I don't think it's unreasonable for people to have a few holidays in their retirement. My parents had lots and I encouraged them to do it. I wish they'd spent more while they were well enough to enjoy it. None of us have a right to our parents' money, it's theirs to spend - or not - as they wish.

"but there's something very wrong in the system if a significant proportion of a generation don't think ahead to when they will need full time care and don't give a damn about passing on their good fortune to the next generation"

Given the OP's "complaint", that's a contradictory statement. If they spend their money while alive by downsizing and/or giving their money to their offspring in order that their "good steady" offspring don't have to struggle in houses that are "too small", then they won't have the assets to pay for full time care if they subsequently need it in their old age

In my dad's case, if he needed care (he's 81 now and very healthy - but comes from a long-lived family), he has a healthy pension - which he spent many years paying significant AVCs into - with which to pay for nursing care (either live-in or in a home) - and he also has the asset of his home, which can and will be used if necessary (ie db and I aren't waiting around for him to die so that we can get our hands on it as part of our inheritance).

I want him to enjoy life at the moment - he worked bloody hard for it. I fully hope expect him to live another 20 years (his aunt lived to 102 - his mum only died younger because of the harder environment in which she'd lived)

He has done (and reviews regularly) lots of financial planning to ensure that no burden falls on to either of his children.

He understands the costs of nursing homes and the need for a good one, as my mum spent her last 2 years in a home because of the dementia brought on by her accident - it's not something we would wish on our worst enemy Not because of the care she received - which was excellent - but because of the horrible type of dementia ( not Alzheimer's) she developed He doesn't want to go through that himself and if he thought that there were a risk of it, would take himself off to Dignitas while he was still mentally competent.

FWIW, he had to pay his own way through Uni (paying the international fees and not getting a grant), as we came to the UK to escape apartheid in order for him to study. (My mum was able to get a grant/fees paid a few years later when she went to Uni after my db went to school and we'd been in the country for long enough by then).

Old people don't - or shouldn't - stop living because they are old. They have every right to enjoy life. I'm glad my dad still is - it would've been so easy for him to stop after mum's accident, especially as they'd been planning so many years of adventures ahead of them. He earned that right from a lifetime of working hard and setting a good example - both in his employment and as a parent. He may or may not (depending on future medical/care needs) leave db and me an inheritance - but he's already given us the most valuable inheritance: our upbringing and his love Kitsch but true

How much is dignjtas?

About 10 grand I think.

I have researched Dignitas. It is a little less than £10K but I have put aside £10K to cover it.
I had wanted to build on the family money but my ACs would not co-operate so there is nothing I can do. Unfortunately this in turn will mean that the money is not passed down to their children. My ACs cant not see that laws have to be complied with. Legislation did not allow for what they wanted.
I feel sad that I can not help them. I don't give in to demands especially not connected to emotional blackmail. I feel sorry that they are having some struggles, however on the other hand I do not think that the people who built up the family property and money would be pleased at what my ACs have done and are doing.
I have no option but to SKI (spend kind's inheritance), later pay for my own care, and eventually pay for Dignitas. My ACs have already shown that they will take advantage of an elderly person (relative) with cash/property.

stillme
That’s awful to be in that situation.
Miss them out and leave straight to GC in trust?

Lovely post prettybird.

What are AC’s?

Adult children.

I guessed at ‘awful children’

My parents decided to downsize. Completely their choice. I would never ever have expected it from them, let alone demanded a share of the money they got. They sold the large house we grew up in and moved into a smaller one they inherited. They themselves wanted to give me and DB quite a significant amount of money, and it is due to them we were able to buy our lovely little house. I'm extremely thankful!

Actually one of the reasons DP said they wanted to do this was that they said they had themselves had a lot of support - both financiel and otherwise - as young adults. They were given a plot of land for free. They were helped with their first home purchase. So it's not ALWAYS the case that in previous generations people weren't helped by their parents and families.

Sorry showing my age & awareness of jargon, what’s a millennial?

Just to agree with Prozac, my recollection of my parents and aunts / uncles, was that they had a lot of help from their parents. The door was always open to pretty much anyone in fact.

To negate how hard life was when the baby boomers were doing it, the parenting malarkey that is, they had neighbours and communities and a totally different standard of living. You had social clubs where a community would mix and various events like bingo / crown green bowling / dodgy discos & bands.

I would say existence now can be very solitary, as families would live close together as prices afforded that luxury. Where your only hope now is if you have perhaps a rental opportunity.

Some Grandparents ideas of being Grandparents has changed. I honestly recall never going a week without a sleepover at a Grandparents with siblings & possibly cousins too, so parents could let their hair down. If you weren’t sleeping there you were there for tea.

I agree with you Mrs. My PIL live 10 mins away and they have never looked after my DC. But they had loads of help from their own parents and neighbours bringing up their own kids.

I work a 40 hour week plus I work at weekends, Saturday making things for my market stall and Sunday at the market. So I am basically working 7 days a week with no help and I STILL can’t afford a mortgage.

It’s bloody hard.